Topic ID: 22253
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UNiiV3RSALWRiiT3R
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 Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:24 am Post subject: |
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| Really good. The only bad thing is that it took me 20 minutes to read this...break this up....good job anyways |
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GryphonFledgling
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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This was an intriguing first chapter. You use description very well.
However, in the first few paragraphs, you describe pain, but not the causer of it. In all honesty, my reaction to the pain was 'why should I care?' Yes, I feel sorry for them, but I wasn't really interested. Perhaps a small hint at the strangeness of the situation, where he doesn't know what is going on.
Also, it takes a while for the story to actually begin, because of the description. Then, when we actually meet the soldiers, we get very little description of them other than that they are wearing khaki uniform. Maybe you could up the description a little on the soldiers to meet with the rest of the story, identify them with simple physical characteristics.
Alternatively, you could tone down the description. You have so much of it that an entire story written that way would be stifling. However, after this chapter, to write the rest of the story less laden with description, would be out of balance. You need to find a middle ground. You have talent for description, you are just overusing it a little in this chapter.
Your dialogue was a little inconsistent. It was formal, then not. It read stiff and threw me out of the storyline. Amelia brings this up and has some tips, so I won't say any more.
Emotion, which BBB brought up, is a little lacking. You have the character swearing as they wonder what is going on, but other than that, there is little reaction. Sweating, dry mouth, trembling - all these are are characteristic of panicking. And I don't know about you, but if I were to find myself naked in the middle of nowhere, not knowing out I got there, I would be doing a bit of panicking.
Anyway, great story. Be proud of your description talent. *applause*
~GryphonFledgling |
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Louisa Clack
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 10:54 pm Post subject: Wow |
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Whoa, this is really really good. Strugglinh to criticise you. I would pay money to read this, try and get pulished!
Um, I think Leo needs to react to the situations around a little more, like how the other guys are talking about the girls, what does he think?
I really like your short paragraph break ups like teh what the hells, but I tnk they may fit in better with first person writing. Ever considered switching between the two? If done well, it can work really well.
Really really good, write more soon!!!
Louisa x |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏
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| Posted: Sat Mar 15, 2008 2:56 am Post subject: |
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So I promised, so I critique!
And do forgive me if I repeat what has been said before -- I have limited time online today, so I didn't read all the reviews you've gotten already.
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The pain displaced all else: the world was gone, sound was gone, his body was gone; all that remained was that terrible agony that devoured the soul.
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Agony that devoured the soul. Do I sense a drama king here, or do I sense a drama king here? I think I do.
... in any case, nice description. 
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Like a wounded beast, Leo tried to raise his head, but it got no further than an inch from the ground before dropping again. He tried to call for help, but his voice was coarse and weak from endless screaming. He tried to clutch at himself for some measure of reassurance, but his arms only twitched in pitiful frailty.
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Notice how the structuring of these three sentences is pretty much the same? What I mean is it goes like this: he tries to do something, but he can't. Each sentence has the word 'but' after a comma, and each time the sentence goes like this: Leo tries to do something, but he can't due to some physical issue.
You savvy? I kind of feel like I rambled a bit there.
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Nor was he in his house, nor any other building, rather, he lay sprawled outside, surrounded by swaying greenery and proud trees.
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I think this sentence might sound better as: Nor was he in his house, nor any other building -- rather, he lay sprawled outside, surrounded by sprawling greenery and proud trees.
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The sunlight, filtered through the bright canopy of leaves above, felt comfortingly warm against his skin, whilst the broken twigs and tiny flecks of dirt beneath him made him itch.
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I think 'filtered' should be 'filtering'? I'm not 100% sure, but... well, whatever.
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He wasn’t scared exactly, despite the circumstances, but he certainly felt uneasy.
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I think it might sound better as: He wasn't exactly scared, despite the circumstances, but he certainly felt uneasy.
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He swayed as he stood, like a half drunk teenager.
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I think 'half drunk' should be hyphenated.
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Falling to his knees amongst some of the softer plants, he plunged his cupped hands into the cold water, drew them out again and took a quick sip of the water as it leaked between his fingers.
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I think there should be a comma after 'again'...
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It was only then that he realised he was naked.
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Umm... like, wouldn't he have noticed that before? When he was walking over to the stream, I mean.
I think this should be in italics (Leo's thoughts) since the style of writing before was eloquent and... I don't know, but the swearing -- however mild -- seems out of place.
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His voice was surprisingly croaky, although given that he hadn’t been able to talk at all earlier perhaps he should have expected that. Presumably his voice was still healing.
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I think there should be a comma after 'earlier' and a comma after 'Presumably'.
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He looked up at the sky, where the sun burnt.
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'where the sun burnt' sounds kind of awkward, as if there should be more to the sentence. Maybe you should try: He looked up at the sky, where the sun burnt from a halo of fleecy white clouds.
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Sooner or later he’d come to a settlement, and from there he could … well, he could figure out what to do then once he got there.
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Priceless. 
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Moving at a fast pace, eager to return home, he followed the river, careful to avoid the dense clumps of weeds. The thorns some of the plants supported looked rather vicious, and Leo had no intention of getting any closer to them than was needed.
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I think you should put 'that' after 'thorns'.
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But regardless of how careful he was, there was no avoiding the fact that walking barefoot in woodland wasn’t an altogether smart idea.
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The part I underlined seems kinda weird. Maybe try: ... in woodland wasn't altogether a very smart idea.
Comma after 'Yes'?
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Not very many nit-picks, I'm afraid. You write very well and grammar is obviously not an issue.
Negatives first, though:
You have a basic personality fleshed out here; I get the impression that Leo is rather intelligent, cynical, and mostly practical. And that he watches TV. But I feel like you should go deeper, show us more of his thoughts. How did he feel about walking down a riverside, getting thorns stuck into his feet? How did he feel as he overheard the soldiers talking about... erm, naked ladies? Embarrassed? Indifferent? What impression did he get from them, based on what he heard from their conversation?
Also, this is borderline purple [prose] in some places. Example:
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Small, hard bits of dirt, broken twigs, jagged stones, and various other such nuisances plagued every few footsteps.
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I don't think it's necessary to use an adjective (or two, in the case of 'small, hard bits of dirt') to describe everything here. You use a lot of adjectives and I'd like to see more variety: metaphors, similes.
Anyway. There's something about waking up naked and lost -- at least, that scenario being the beginning of a novel, particularly a fantasy novel -- that seems kind of cliché. I feel like I've read it before, or watched it, but I can't seem to put a finger on it... but oh well; it's just one cliché, surely you can get away with that.
As for the positives, everything else besides what I mentioned is great! The pacing is steady and your plot is interesting. Usually, I hate reading long stories on the computer, but this was really gripping so I didn't mind. As much. =P
Yeah.. um, that concludes my marvelous critique.  PM me if you have any questions/comments!
- Camille xx
PS. Lemme know if you post chapter two, I wanna read it!  |
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Memento Mori
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| Posted: Tue Mar 18, 2008 11:36 pm Post subject: |
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It's really good.
I'd read the next chapter if I find it, definitely. I found it amusing.
If it wasn't supposed to be amusing then your story gave off the wrong mood. |
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Absynthe
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| Posted: Wed Mar 19, 2008 5:27 pm Post subject: coolieo |
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| hey!! i really like your story!!! its a little strange but good. I personally liked your descriptions, while sombody said otherwise. keep it up, thought i should say that you should kinda slow it down and put some emotions in.I noticed in the verry begining, for some reason i didnt like the way you described pain, it sounded more emo than it should XD. But otherwise, good work!! |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 9:23 pm Post subject: |
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You really hooked me with this peice never once did I wonder if it was any longer I loved it. You do everything exellent trickling the details in the only bother in Leo in kinda 2D in fact the soldiers were more realistic than him. It's an intresting premise. I can't wait to read more, I could read chapter two if i wish. You never bored the description was vibrant and alive. It didn't at all weigh this down.
Overall: Jono, no excuses I want you to post more and more and more. This is seriously amazing god. DON'T FORGET: POST MORE! WRITE MORE! That's how much I love it. I'm talking in caps. *stars*
Good luck
VSN |
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JennyK
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| Posted: Fri May 09, 2008 12:50 am Post subject: |
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You are very descriptive, in a good way. Reading that I could picture the setting and feeling. I do think Leo's calmness as a little unrealistic. I would think if someone were to wake up naked in the woods they would be very panicked. I think the conversation the soldiers were having seemed realistic. Soldiers talk about things other than battle.
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| Now that the mysterious pain was completely gone, he noted that his mind was strangely clear, although he was all but unable to move. Paralysed like this, Leo could only delve deeper into his own imagination, and hope that someone would arrive, preferably soon, to help. |
I think that was written just as someone would feel and think in that situation. I think your wording and descriptions make the reader really feel what Leo feels. |
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nilou-and-amani
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 9:23 am Post subject: |
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I really love how you catch the audience's attention in the beginning. The descriptions in the first couple of paragraphs were perfect- right amount, right tone right everything. But after that it drags a little and the description that first attracted the audience's attention starts to bore them.
I suggest you just tone it down a little. For example, the paragragh about the weeds and the thorns by the river. All that description was unnecessary.
Just remember that every line you write needs to link back to the main idea, a few descrptions here and there make it intersseting, but too much description just makes the reader put the book down.
Other than than i really like it. keep writing!!
Hope this helped.Just pm me if you need anything.
Nilou |
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Ravenous
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| Posted: Sun May 11, 2008 11:27 pm Post subject: |
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Like that other person said, where's the pain coming from? Besides that, your description of the pain was beautiful . . . yes, I said it. There were a few grammatical errors: missed punctuation, fragments, etc. But, I think they've been pointed out already. The story itself was interesting . . . I found myself wondering if he's going to become a soldier himself.
That whole thing about Barbara was hilarious! Keep it up. I'm guessing that since I'm new to critiquing other poeple's stuff, there's not much pessimism I can offer, but don't worry. I'll be just like the rest of you in no time. |
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find_the_reason
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| Posted: Fri Jun 13, 2008 8:22 am Post subject: |
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| I really liked this piece, the main character is more of a narrator than actually involved in the story in my opinion but hell your the author and you can write it exactly as you want to, as long as its good. And this was great!! ^_^ Hooray to you!!!!!!! |
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