Topic ID: 18128
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berrylique
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300 Points
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 Posted: Mon Aug 13, 2007 9:37 am Post subject: |
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it doesn't seem to have a plot, like a real story. i think your style of writing is still OK, but you need to use a wider range of emotions. Basically, I think is quite good. Keep up the work!  |
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lyrical_sunshine
δυναμις
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350 Points
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| Posted: Mon Sep 17, 2007 12:53 am Post subject: |
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just one thing more to say...
when do we get more? |
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moosiegirl
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Country: some elegant Masquerade lost in the ruins of time...
229 Points
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| Posted: Sat Sep 22, 2007 12:10 am Post subject: |
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| This would be a pretty good piece. You just need to get more descriptive words and get rid of all the grammer mistakes and voila! You suddenly have the next Harry Potter |
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Kaida_Wynd
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189 Points
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| Posted: Thu Sep 27, 2007 12:27 am Post subject: yes |
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| I liked this very much, but i do not like the use of "Rosie" repeatedly in the beginning few paragraphs. The plot was original, but not bad in the way you described it, and i really can't wait to read more. |
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TheRainFalls
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300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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It's quite good! JK Rowlibng finished Deathly Hallows far too quickly, so I'm suprised there isn't anymore fanfics...
It's good, except... more description would be quite nice
Maybe try finding random objects and write a long decription about them... that's what gets me into the descriptive mood. |
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Laura_Jane
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 10:25 pm Post subject: |
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| I thought that was excellent..i loved how Albus seemed to calm about draco's son, and i thought the description of rose was really thoughful:), Are you going to continue with it? |
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lakegirls
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| Posted: Tue Jan 29, 2008 7:37 pm Post subject: |
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Hi,
Reading this made me feel sad, since Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows was the last book. No offense but I hate when people write other endings for stories. I do agree though that J.K didn't write a enough for the ending though. i think the reason being so other people can write endings but it makes me upset because we don't know what J.K would have written. Also a point on this...
“Cousin! There you are!” Albus exclaimed entering the cabin
I think it's kind of weird how he said "Cousin" instead of just saying her name. Not many people do that, and I'm sorry if that offends you, but this is just my personal view |
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Loyal Ninjavamp
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it so far, but there isn't much plot yet. You said that this wasn't even a whole chapter. Does that mean you are planning on writing more? |
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Louisa Clack
Junior Writer
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Country: England
300 Points
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:37 pm Post subject: Hmm |
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Err.
I'm not sure about this.
Whr's it going?
Careful, you repeat yourself.
And..
Rosie wouldn't show her magic to muggles, so she wouldnt be unaccpted for that reason..?? |
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budding writer
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341 Points
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| Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 6:52 am Post subject: |
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heythere, this is the first time that i am seeing your work cause i am new. i love harry potter and doing this story with the epilogue was brilliant. please write what else happens. look for these though :
- firstly, scorpio is scorpious
- secondly, no offense but this chapter seems unfinished and toooo short to be a chapter.
- thirdly now, is supposed to be know
a few other mistakes but since you were writing it in the class you may have felt distracted. anyway keep writing i want to see where this story goes.  |
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![All There Is [Edited 8/30/08]](images/featured/5.jpg)
