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Vernon
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 Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 6:07 pm Post subject: The Voyager: From Death to Life |
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[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag]
Last edited by Vernon on Sat Jul 19, 2008 4:00 pm; edited 5 times in total |
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sugargrazed
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 2:01 am Post subject: |
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The first stanza starts beautifully, and I love the contrast of a lily representing purity floating down the Styx. However, I have to be harsh about the forth line and say that unless you were born in the eighteenth century, don’t use words like “reacheth”. It will draw attention from the singularity of the opening image, and often comes across as pretentious. Also the final line of the stanza seems awkward compared to the shorter lines that come before and after.
The first thing I have to say about the second stanza is avoid unnecessary apostrophes: “see’s” can just be “sees”, just as “seethe’s” is “seethes”. Also, I think lines 3 – 4 “Trace of splendour hides / Within the body neglected” could just as easily by written “Within the neglected body / A trace of splendour hide”. The twisted syntax is unnecessary, and has the same effect as using “reacheth”. Other than that, the stanza works extremely well, and I like the way you’re building meaning and suspense by giving the lily, which has so far been hiding and buffeted in the current, an unexpected temper.
The ending of the third stanza seems a little odd, especially with the parenthesis, which doesn’t really seem necessary to me, but aside from that and a couple of typos (“wondrous” and “receive”) it flows well, and has a wonderful sense of hope.
Sorry for going on like that…hope my ramblings are helpful in someway. Oh, and given the choices of imagery and title, I’d interpret it as a journey from youth to adulthood. But that’s quite a wild guess ^^ |
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Elizabeth
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Sat Feb 02, 2008 11:08 am Post subject: |
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Wow, Vernon. Can I just say that that was a really beautiful poem? Seriously. I love the imagery. A few things I think could use tweaking:
Firstly, I agree with sugargrazed about the "reacheth" and 18th century syntax. It's unnecessary and draws attention to the words/lines which makes the poem awkward to read. Regarding the line "Alone a lily floats" -- might read better as "A lone lily floats". Make the most of that alliteration and tidy up the flow.
I don't think "clutching unto itself" seems quite...completed somehow. It lacks force. What does it clutch unto itself? Either be specific here or rearrange this line to something smoother - perhaps, "It appears to weep,/folding into itself" makes better sense. Make sure you complete your thoughts - "Trace of splendour hides" should be "A trace of splendor" or "Traces of splendor". It helps to give the poem clarity. "See's" should be "sees". You need some punctuation at the end of that line too - "Charon himself sees the bloom;/his gaze averts". "Seethe's" should be "seethes". Not sure why we are switching back to the lily here? You might want to indicate the switch to make it a little less abrupt.
I love the last stanza; can't really find anything to change there 
Overall, an awesome poem. You should write more 
Cheers,
~bubbles |
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Kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 12:08 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Vernon, sorry it's taken so long to get back to you. Like I said in chat, this is very beautiful and I love the imagery you've used but I think the flow could be improved. Here's a line by line and I'll see if I can give you some general advice too -
Flowing down the River Styx, [I think this opening could be stronger. Flowing doesn't give a real sense of the action. For example, cruising would suggest a lighter, more pleasant atmosphere while plunging is more negative. I'd suggest using either 'plunging down' or 'cruising up' depending on what sort of effect you want.]
between Hades and life.
A lone lily floats. Hands [I think this is a strange place to have the line break. I'd suggest either 'A lone lily floats./Hands of the Damned reach hungrily/' or maybe 'A lone lily floats./Hands of the Damned/reach hungrily./' Good use of capitalisation by the way. Maybe 'eagerly' instead of hungrily?]
of the Damned reach hungrily--
trying to consume the blossom.
Still the frail petals stand resolute,
avoiding the horrendous riptides and [Maybe 'ravenous riptides' just for the sake of alliteration?]
cruel currents.
[In general, I think the first stanza is well written and I like the metaphor of the lily but try to choose stronger words to build a firmer image.]
It appears to weep,
clutching into itself, folding. [Maybe a semi colon rather than a comma before folding? And you could even place it on a line of its own.]
Traces of splendour hides [Should be 'Trace of splendour hides...' or preferably 'Traces of splendour hide...']
within the neglected body.
Charon himself sees the bloom [Instead of using 'himself' to draw attention to Charon's status, you could have 'Charon sees the bloom -/His gaze averts...']
his gaze averts and
the ferryman vanishes in
the mist. Our delicate voyager
ignored. Within the beauty,
a temper seethes. Still the
dew falls. [I'd suggest having 'falls' on a line of its own.]
[Again, the imagery is lovely but I think you need to go back and check your line breaks in this stanza, especially towards the end. Read it to see where you pause naturally and think carefully about where you change action, what will look good and what flows best.]
Still, the lonely lily floats
towards --a better life, better days.
To no longer receive blithe concern
but to be admired and adored.
The undertow grips helpless and [This is awkward and doesn't quite read right. I think what you're trying to say is that the untertow can't drag the lily back so maybe 'Futile is the grip of the undertow and...']
spectres of the Styx soon sigh in
defeat. Unable to stop the bloom reaching
new and promised lands.
(Of wonderous dreams and
beautiful fantasies)
[The third stanza contains some well chosen words and it flows nicely so good work. Overall, I think you've done very well, just tidy it up a little.] |
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Nightfall
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| Posted: Thu Feb 07, 2008 8:22 pm Post subject: |
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This poem was pretty much excellent. I love your Styx and Hades references, and the use of the Lily. It was really inspiring the way the Lily could resist the powers of death.
Awesome job!
~Nightfall |
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Summerless
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| Posted: Mon Apr 28, 2008 11:02 pm Post subject: |
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I like how you used the River of Styx and Charon in your poem.
Two things, though. I would put a punctuation mark after "the bloom," such as a comma. Either a comma or I'd put a period and capitalize the H in "his."
| Quote: |
Charon himself sees the bloom
his gaze averts and
the ferryman vanishes in
the mist. |
And also I wouldn't put a dash between "towards" and "a better life" in the excerpt from your entry below.
| Quote: |
Still, the lonely lily floats
towards --a better life, better days. |
But that's just me.
I hope that helps :]
- Summerless |
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deafwriter_19
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| Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
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| This is actually pretty good. I agree with summerless about the captialization and stuff. I'm surprised at the claim that you haven't penned poetry in a while because it seems like the work of a seasoned poet. Good job! |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 12:56 pm Post subject: |
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I like the first look and impression of it. The two "stills" in a row disturbed me a little ("Still the dew falls. Still, the lonely lily..."), though.
"The undertow grips helpless..." - this is rather awkward line, I think it should be "helplessly" or then a whole another way of saying the same thing.
Also, I think some of the expressions are a bit pompous, though very beautiful. But are the two dashes between "towards" and "a better" necessary? There should be only one or then nothing at all.
"A lone lily floats"? Is it supposed to be "alone lily floats" or "a lonely lily floats"? The latter, I guess, though they mean the same thing.
Other than that, I think this is beautiful and delicate poem and I'll be more than happy to read some more of your work! |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:00 pm Post subject: |
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Hehe, no one can guess correctly. XD. Come on is it that hard to guess what it's about.
Demeter: I had the lily bit like that originally, but changed it with the reviews. Also I don't understand where you get pompous from. It came from my soul.
About helpless I see that now. I really love this poem.
*Love his muse*
Okay, anyone gonna try and guess? |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:13 pm Post subject: |
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I don't really know, it just came into my mind. Maybe that was a little too rash thing to say. But don't worry, it didn't disturb me for the poem was overall very good!
Oh, I don't dare to try guessing what it's about, I'd just get it wrong and you'd be upset. I don't really want that! |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:20 pm Post subject: |
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| Oh come on and try. No body has ever guessed and since you commented back I'll give ya a bash. |
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We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:47 pm Post subject: |
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Alright then.
I think the lily is someone who's been forced to feel inferior. No one has respected her (I say her, though of course it could also be him) or listened to what she has to say. She's been pushed down; and she has started to believe in it herself. She doesn't feel she's important or special. But then, something has just clicked inside her and she's developped a desire to fight back. And so she does, gets a new self-esteem and courage, and she walks away with her head held up high.
I don't know if this is even close to what's the real deal here, but this is what I got out from it. I'm sorry if it's totally wrong |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:52 pm Post subject: |
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Okay now to reveal who it is. The whole based on hope nothing else. You're right about it being a girl. In fact it's my fiancee. it's about how much she's gone through in life but now things seem to be getting better.
Another thing it's a long distance relationship, so it's not been easy, but yeh you got it was a girl just left out it's my fiancee.
Well done .
XD |
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Demeter
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| Posted: Sun May 04, 2008 1:56 pm Post subject: |
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| Ok, great Beautiful story. |
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