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by lilymoore in Romantic Fiction
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This thread was created on January 24, 2008
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Child of Ashes: Outcast Chapter One: Fate Knocks

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 9:43 pm    Post subject: Child of Ashes: Outcast Chapter One: Fate Knocks Reply with quote

Author's note: There are some things in this that are very...rough and will need to be worked out eventually, such as Cesarina's decision to go with her friends (I think she needs to debate going a little bit more than she actually did), actually leaving with them...the flash back she had (mainly because I don't have that scene she flashes back to figured out...and I think I need to change it any way) needs work...oh, and the part where Ces is shot needs some work in detail.

Right now I'm mainly just trying to get things down on paper/onto the screen and not deal with the details as much. It's just going to end up frustrating the heack out of me if I try to deal with that stuff now and then I'll probably end up giving up on the story, and we don't want that, do we? XD So, yeah. Just keep those things in mind.

As far as what I previously posted goes, I'm going to go ahead and call that a prologue, and not the first chapter.

Oh! One more thing. I think the numbers on the amount of people I've mentioned in both this and the prologue are off. There's supposed to be seven in total, but I think I've only named six. o.O I dunno. I'll try and fix it now, but it could still be a little screwed up. I also know that their names are really too similar, so I need to think about changing them. I just need to find names that I like and feel fit the characters.

Please let me know if you agree with the things I listed that I think need help, because if I'm not the only one who thinks so then that'll let me know that I'm...right. o.O So, yeah.

Oh! Last thing. The "soldiers" is really a temporary name for whatever the heack they are. I just haven't come up with another term/name for them yet, though I have some suggestions that I just need to pick from. So for now, that's what they're called. Also, I purposely had Howler's dialogue be in quotes rather in italics, since I didn't want to have him have to speak through people's minds in order to speak to them.

The prologue is here if you want to read it.

[pre:8c1d7bdb2e]Chapter One:

Fate Knocks

The back of Cesarina’s shoulder was itching. It was even beginning to burn. She knew what that was from, though. The Burn’s mark had been placed onto her skin ten years earlier. It had been ten years since she, Cesarina Vardin, was wrongfully accused and punished for an act she didn’t commit.

She reached across the back of her shoulder with her right hand to itch it, catching a glimpse of the burn’s marking, which was in the shape of a flame. She ignored it, itching her shoulder for a moment before lowering the hand back to her side.

She turned away from the window of her cabin, looking around. She stood in her home’s only room. In the far left corner was what could barely pass as a kitchen. Against the wall across from her, at the middle, was the best she could do for a bed. In the opposite right corner was a pile of the few belongings she’d been able to keep with her.

Outside was the forest the cabin was in, in one of the clearings within it. She rarely ventured out of the cabin- mainly only when she needed food or other supplies.

She was about to move away from the window and over to her kitchen area when she heard a loud knock on the door. Cesarina frowned; there was no one who knew where she lived. Who could it possibly be? She walked to the small pile of her belongings and picked up a long sword in a sheath, holding onto it tightly by the handle. She walked back to the door and opened it slowly.

Standing there were five other people. The one standing right in front of her was taller than her with broad shoulders.

“Cesarina?” the man asked.

Cesarina blinked. How had he known her name?

Then she saw the belt he wore at his waist and recognized the emblem of the Levanan Moon Empire and realized who it was.

“Casden,” she half-whispered, her voice hoarse.

She looked at the others standing behind him. Two were male, standing next to one female that she recognized as Faelan, Kalevias, and Kelesana.

“What . . . I don’t understand. How did you know I was here? What are you doing here?”

Casden hesitated, which immediately told Cesarina that their arrival was due to something serious. Then again, the fact that they even knew where she was . . .

“We’ll explain in a moment. We should head inside, though,” Casden replied.

Cesarina nodded, stepping back so her friends could enter. As each one of them entered, she watched them carefully. They had aged physically, but they were still the same. Someone was missing, though.

“Where’s Rais?” Cesarina asked.

“Right behind you,” a voice answered from behind her.

Cesarina turned slowly and looked up tot see the seventh member of their group standing there, a hint of a smile on his lips.

“It’s good to see you again, Ces,” Rais said, giving her a quick hug.

“I’m just glad to know that you’re alive.” She turned toward the others. “That you’re all alive. Not that I’m not glad you’re here, but can someone explain why, and how you even found out where I was living?”

“Gladly,” Casden answered.

Cesarina had one chair, what she could call a bed, and the floor of her cabin. She and Rais stood by the window after the door was closed. Casden stood by the opposite wall, and Faelan, Kalevias, and Kelesana sat on the floor. Kelesana lay a long bow in her lap, which Cesarina recognized as a Moon Bow.

“First of all, you can thank Howler for bringing us here,” Casden began. “We didn’t know exactly where you were, but being a wolf, he did.”

“I knew that wolf would be more good than trouble for us,” Cesarina mused.

Casden smiled slightly. “Secondly, we’re here because we need your help. Things have gotten . . . bad in Levana. So bad, in fact, that we had to sneak round just to find any information on where you had been sent. Even more than we would have had to ten years ago.”

Cesarina shook her head slowly, “I don’t understand. What’s going on up there that’s so bad?”

“The Levanan’s are being killed off, Ces. Things are . . . chaotic,” Rais said.

“Who’s killing them off?”

“We don’t know, exactly.” It was Kelesana who answered this time. “All we can do is guess. Whoever it is leading the killers is rather . . . discreet.”

Cesarina looked at each of her friends, shaking her head slowly. She bit her lower lip and moved away from the wall she leaned against and over to the window. It was getting dark out.

“Why should I help after they banished me? After they gave me this damned . . . Burn.” She pulled her shirt down to reveal the back of her shoulder where her Burn was before letting go and turning back to look at them. “They banished me for something I didn’t do, and wouldn’t listen when I tried to tell me the truth.”

“You should help because the Levana Empire will fall. Everything that remains of our people will be gone. We’ll only be a few of the survivors,” Kalevias said.

Cesarina looked over at Kalevias. He had always been rather self-reserved, and rarely ever spoke up about things as he just had. The blind man twirled his walking stick in his lap from where he sat on the floor.

“You know that I can’t use magic,” Cesarina said. “The Burn keeps that from happening.”

“We need more than your magic, Ces,” Rais said.

Cesarina sighed. These are my friends, she thought. I have to help them. But what good am I going to be to them? After a few more moments of silence as she thought, Cesarina finally came to a decision.

“Alright,” she said. “I’ll go. I don’t know what help you think I’ll be, though.

Casden smiled, “Just having you with us again will help enough, Cesarina.”

As the others started discussing their next move, Cesarina gathered a few of her belongings into a pack. Included in this was the sword she’d had earlier which she put at her waist. She kneed down in front of her small pile and her thoughts began drifting. She thought back to the last day she had seen her friends.

It was the day she had been banished. She stood alone in a dark room lit only by a few candles surrounding a book stand. She had gone in there to look for something, but had immediately been drawn to the stand surrounded by the candles. Sitting on the stand was a book belonging to Levana’s Empress herself. It was the book of Caelistis. As she walked toward the book stand, she stopped as she heard deep laughter in the room’s darkness.

“Who’s there?”

No answer. She kept walking and as she reached out toward the book, she heard the voice begin chanting in an ancient Levana language.

“Cesarina? Ces?” Faelan had kneeled down next to her. He had a hand on her shoulder, shaking it a bit to get her attention. “Are you alright?” Concern crossed his face.

Cesarina blinked and looked away, nodding slowly. “I’m fine.” She finished gathering her things and stood back up, putting her pack over her shoulder.

Cesarina was about to speak when there was a loud scratching at the door. Raise walked over to it, standing near it with a dagger in hand. He nodded to Cesarina, who slowly walked toward the door and opened it.

Sitting there on his back legs was a silver coated wolf, his ears tilted back against his head. He saw Cesarina and his tail started wagging.

“It’s about time you let me in,” the wolf said.

Cesarina stared in surprise. “Howler? What are you doing here?”

“Rais told me to come back and escort you to the filed,” the wolf replied.

“We better go, then,” Casden said.

The group made their way out of the cabin, closing the door behind them. The others started walking, but Cesarina stood there for a moment, staring at her cabin. Rais came to her side.

“I’ve lived here for so long that it’s become . . . home. I don’t leave it often,” she said. “Ten years is a long time.”

“Come on,” Rais said, putting a hand on her shoulder.

Cesarina turned and they started walking behind the others.

Suddenly, she heard something fly by her head and looked up to see an arrow in a nearby tree trunk, burning. The group looked over their shoulders to see a group of men coming toward them.

“It’s the soldiers! Run!” Rais said.

Cesarina gasped and started running as fast as she could. The sky had turned dark, bringing a light blue glow to Cesarina, Kelesana, and Kalevias’s skin, showing their life forces.

As Cesarina ran, she gasped for air. It had been ten years since she had run this fast. Rais passed her, and Cesarina stole a quick glance behind her. She frowned, seeing no one there. Another whoosh of air was heard, but this time it didn’t go by her head. A sharp pain ran through her arm as she looked down to see an arrow in it.

“Ah!” she yelled through gritted teeth.

“Kelesana, give me the bow. Let Cesarina run ahead of you, she’s hurt,” Rais said as he came back to Cesarina’s side.

Kelesana handed Rais the bow and a few arrows. Rais moved to the side and knocked each arrow one after another, sending them toward the soldiers who were following them. He killed all but one, who was hurt in the side and fell behind.

The group kept running until they came to a large clearing in the forest. Cesarina fell to her knees, out of breath. Casden went to her side, taking her arm. A silvery substance dripped off the side of the arrow head.

“This arrow has been coated in their poison,” Casden said. “Ces, I’m going to pull it out on the count of three. One . . . two . . . three.”

Cesarina gritted her teeth, and the arrow had been yanked out.

“Poison?”

Casden nodded, “It will make you weaker.” He seemed to hesitate. “Your life force will start to go out.”

Cesarina stared at Casden for a moment before narrowing her eyes. Who had been able to create such a poison in all the years she’d been gone? Who could be powerful enough to create it?

For Levanan’s, the light blue glow that came form their skin in the light of a half moon represented their life force. The lower the light became, the weaker the Levanan would be. The fact that someone had found a way to use this weakness against the Levanan’s told Cesarina how serious the situation was.

“Is there a way to stop it form completely going out?” Cesarina asked. Casden was quickly wrapping her arm and she winced as he pulled it tight.

“Not with any of our magic,” he admitted. “We need the healers of Levana to help with that. There is one I know of who should be able to help. Come, we need to move before more soldiers come.”

After making sure her arm was wrapped tight enough, Cesarina stood and followed after the others.

Soon they left the forest and were in a large field. Casden looked around, watching for any enemies who might be near. He nodded, looking to the others after a moment.

“Here is good. Ready the bow. We need to leave as soon as possible.”

Cesarina watched as Kelesana took the bow back from Casden and notched it with a long, silver arrow. She then aimed it up towards the sky.

“I apologize for not realizing the soldiers were behind us,” Howler said. “I should have known.”

“It’s fine, Howler. Thank you for your help,” Rais said.

“You’re welcome. Don’t hesitate to notify me if you need my help again. The wolves will always be at your service.”

Rais nodded his thanks, and watched as the wolf left. He then looked at Cesarina. “Do you remember how this works?” he asked with a teasing smile, coming to her side.

“I think so,” Cesarina replied. “Luckily the combined magic of you and the others should be enough to make it work without my needing to use any magic.”

Casden, Cesarina, Kelesana, Kalevias, Rais, and Faelan all stood next to each other, holding onto the person next to them. Kelesana then shot the arrow directly toward the moon, and they all watched as it disappeared into the sky.

Less than a minute later, a bright light started surrounding the group. Soon, Cesarina could see nothing but the bright light.

A few more minutes passed and the light started to disappear. She looked around and saw that she was no longer in the field and was instead on the moon.

A cruel trick of fate had brought her back to the sides of her friends. Fate had knocked on her door once more.[/pre:8c1d7bdb2e]


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PostPosted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 11:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

hey, AWritersFantasy!

well, this was pretty good, I loved the ending. It was a total surprise when they ended up going to the moon. Caught me off guard!

So, I have a few suggestions to help you along.

Cesarina has been living alone for ten whole years! That is a long time! Someone who has been alone for that many years has probably spent a whole lot of time thinking. So show it. What is she thinking at the beginning? Is she lonely? Is she still fuming over her banishment? Or, is she simply thinking about what she is going to have for lunch? Just make sure she isn't just staring off into space, waiting for the story to begin!

Also, keep it that way! Always remember that she has not really talked with anyone in ten years. When her friends come she isn't just going to calmly say "What the heck is going on?" she is going to feel something. She might be excited that their there, she should be jumping for joy, laughing and hopping all over them, thinking its all a dream. She might be shocked and flip out and start calling them hallucinations and believing she has finally gone crazy. remember to put emotions into it.

Another point, her friends seemed a little too serious. They haven't seen her for ten years. They might be jumping up and down (I know its a serious matter, but emotions over-run the best of us at times) they might feel awkward, afraid to talk to her. Do they know she was Innocent?

I know I pushed the whole she has been gone for ten years thing, but that is a huge part of her life, and it is going to have huge effects on her and her friends.

I hope you keep writing, because I really want to know what happens!

later.
=D

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Majestic Fantasist wrote:


well, this was pretty good, I loved the ending. It was a total surprise when they ended up going to the moon. Caught me off guard!


That's a very good thing! XD Means I'm doing my job with the suspense.
Quote:

Cesarina has been living alone for ten whole years! That is a long time! Someone who has been alone for that many years has probably spent a whole lot of time thinking. So show it. What is she thinking at the beginning? Is she lonely? Is she still fuming over her banishment? Or, is she simply thinking about what she is going to have for lunch? Just make sure she isn't just staring off into space, waiting for the story to begin!


Umm. I DID show it...just not in this chapter. It's in the prologue, which is here, though you'll have to scroll down to read the most updated version of it. The prologue basically covers everything you said above.

Quote:
Also, keep it that way! Always remember that she has not really talked with anyone in ten years. When her friends come she isn't just going to calmly say "What the heck is going on?" she is going to feel something. She might be excited that their there, she should be jumping for joy, laughing and hopping all over them, thinking its all a dream. She might be shocked and flip out and start calling them hallucinations and believing she has finally gone crazy. remember to put emotions into it.


Mmm, I don't entirely agree. Cesarina isn't the kind of girl to go jumping for joy for things. At least, she isn't at this point in time, and her seclusion is a big reason for that. I agree that she could probably show a little more emotion, but I don't know if it would be in character for her to to the extent you're describing.

Quote:
Another point, her friends seemed a little too serious. They haven't seen her for ten years. They might be jumping up and down (I know its a serious matter, but emotions over-run the best of us at times) they might feel awkward, afraid to talk to her. Do they know she was Innocent?


They're supposed to seem serious. I think it would be on the unrealistic side if they came knocking on her door knowing that they don't have a ton of time but weren't down to business about convincing her to come with them and help do whatever she can to save the Levian Empire. There will e a point where they'll be able to stop being so serious, but not in this chapter. Think of it this way, and here comes my Star Wars geek: in Star Wars: A New Hope, Luke sees Obi-Wan Kenobi die. He stands there for a moment, and then starts shooting at the troopers and then runs onto the Falcon. He barely gets more than a minute or so to grieve. Princess Leia doesn't get very long to truly grieve either, It's probably not until some point not shown in the movie that either of them truly get to do so. This is the same sort of thing, in my opinion.

Thank you for the comments. ^_^

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 11:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey! This was MUCH better than the prolouge. I really liked this. It was action packed and fun.

Now, to answer some of your questions:

Quote:
Oh! One more thing. I think the numbers on the amount of people I've mentioned in both this and the prologue are off. There's supposed to be seven in total, but I think I've only named six. o.O I dunno. I'll try and fix it now, but it could still be a little screwed up. I also know that their names are really too similar, so I need to think about changing them. I just need to find names that I like and feel fit the characters.

Please let me know if you agree with the things I listed that I think need help, because if I'm not the only one who thinks so then that'll let me know that I'm...right. o.O So, yeah.

Oh! Last thing. The "soldiers" is really a temporary name for whatever the heack they are. I just haven't come up with another term/name for them yet, though I have some suggestions that I just need to pick from. So for now, that's what they're called. Also, I purposely had Howler's dialogue be in quotes rather in italics, since I didn't want to have him have to speak through people's minds in order to speak to them.

The prologue is here if you want to read it.


Yeah, you only have six charaters. And I don't know who the other one is. Go back in the prolouge and find out. Then incoorporate him/her with this chapter or something. I don't know. It could be cool!

I agree that the names are too similar. I am no good with names, so when they are that close together, I have no idea who is who. Maybe considering making new names? I mean, the names you have right now are really cool, but just really hard to depcipher who is who.

I think that 'soldiers' is fine for now. After all, we didn't really get to see what they looked like. So, unless they are some wierd looking creatures, soldiers is fine for now.

Now, as for the story:

I liked how it began and how it ended. As the previous crit said, it takes us by surprise. Good job.

I feel that the dialouge is very unnatural at times. Let me point out an example:


Quote:
“The Levanan’s are being killed off, Ces. Things are . . . chaotic,” Rais said. “Who’s killing them off?”


This wasn't a major problem, but I just feel that whoever said, "Who's killing them off" should be reduced to "Who's killing them?"

You certainly have an interesting story, but right now the description is just kinda... blah. We don't know where she is. Is she in a forest? In the mountains? What does her house look like? What's the weather outside? Does she have a garden?

Little descriptions like these will really help us learn to love your MC, which is a very cool character, I might add. Whatever your MC does should reflect on her personality.

So, I hope that you post chapter 2 soon! This is really good!

BBB

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PostPosted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 5:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
We don't know where she is. Is she in a forest? In the mountains? What does her house look like? What's the weather outside? Does she have a garden?


See this part of the story:

Quote:
Outside was the forest the cabin was in, in one of the clearings within it. She rarely ventured out of the cabin- mainly only when she needed food or other supplies.


...The wording is a little screwed up in that first sentence, but it does say where the cabin is. I usually try not to bother with description of places TOO much because I'm not very good at it. I can imagine it in my head, but finding the words for it is totally different. And to answer the question, no, she does definitely not have a garden. XD She's not the gardening type.

Thank you for the critique! ^_^ I plan on trying to get chapter two up this weekend.

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PostPosted: Tue Mar 11, 2008 9:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yes, you did explain that it was a forest, but still - is it a tropical forest or evergreen forest. Is there mostly snow, dirt, or grass? Try your best to paint a picture for us.

You did explain what her thoughts were in the prologue a little, but I think that you should expand on how she is feeling. I think, like Majestic Fantasist, that you should explain what's going through her mind when she sees her friends - Majestic Fantasist had quite a bit of good ideas for some reactions.

Then just some nitpicky stuff:

Quote:
She reached across the back of her shoulder with her right hand to itch it, catching a glimpse of the burn's marking, which was in the shape of a flame. She ignored it, itching her shoulder for a moment before lowering the hand back to her side.


Have you ever tried itching yourself - i think that's near impossible. That should be scratching.

Quote:
She kneed down in front of her small pile

Should be kneeled

Quote:
"Is there a way to stop it from completely going out?"


Quote:
"Rais told me to come back and escort you to the filed," the wolf replied.

Is that supposed to be field?


Other than that, great job. Very Happy

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