Topic ID: 24020
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
Via
Ἀθηνᾶ
Epic Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 20
Joined: 05 Nov 2006
Posts: 3456
Reviews: 681
Country: second to the left and straight on 'til morning
266 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:15 pm Post subject: Don't Long to be a Chart |
 |
|
Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears.
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human.
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled.
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath. |
_________________
My Literary and Arts Blog
"I think I'd miss you even if we'd never met." -The Wedding Date
Last edited by Via on Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:03 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Suzanne
won NaNoWriMo!
Writer of Legend
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 21 Sep 2006
Posts: 7086
Reviews: 1754
Country: Riverbluff, MO
1137 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:37 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears. [This makes figurative sense, I think, but it's kind of weird. Perhaps I'm too literal]
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human. [I love the connection between unknown and human here, it's chilling]
Somewhere a mothers tears [did you mean not to put an apostrophe?]
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled. [this is so... chilling. So little words to say so much, and in the same way quiet]
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born, [quietly bothers me but I do not know what else would fit]
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates [this makes me think of "The office of Dead Letters" in Bartleby the scrivener]
With deafening laughter. [You used "dead" above so I think the reuse doesn't work, and I don't like the word there anyway. It just doesn't... work]
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sound of your breathing.
It's a superb poem, so silent and crisp. I half want to suggest all lower case, to pull the silence in even more. You're such a wonderful poet, Via, it is amazing. The silence was so easy to hear in the line breaks, and the stanza breaks. It was perfect. Chilling, scary, realistic, and silent. Bravo.
And, sorry for my incredebly lazy style of critique. ^_^ |
_________________
I demand
you put my heart back in my hand,
and wipe it clean from the mess you made of me.
Last edited by Suzanne on Mon Mar 24, 2008 4:44 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
smorgishborg
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 08 Oct 2007
Posts: 271
Reviews: 153
Country: Somewhere that's green
350 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 1:06 am Post subject: |
|
|
It didn't work for me, I'm afraid.
It's a step or two away from being quite good, however...
What bothered me the most were quite word choices, which really disrupted flow and meaning.
| Quote: |
>The halls fall on deaf ears. Stopped here and wondered how halls could "fall on deaf ears"
>To the unknown—to the human. It doesn't flow.
>Somewhere a mother's tears
>Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath. Can he: "gasp" "inhale" ""exhale" "mumble" ect...? I don't like "speaks" here.
>But here there is silence. I dunno, does your poem need a specific location?
>Somewhere a child is quietly born, Another ill fit
>With deafening laughter. I don't understand what point you're making with this line... Enlighten me?
>Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.For me, this was uncharacteristic of the poem. It felt like an easy ending, it felt like a stock line... |
... and it makes the poem more confusing then I already found it. It's pleasant, and the sound is nice, but it's too convoluted, too unfocused, too full of itself.
I dunno, for me it didn't read well. If you want, tell me what I missed. I don't like to misunderstand poems... |
_________________
"Why so serious?"
It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets |
|
| Back to top |
|
ChurlishLassy
Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 13 Apr 2007
Posts: 91
Reviews: 38
Country: Ethiopia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:16 am Post subject: Re: Don't Long to be a Chart |
|
|
| Via wrote: |
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.
. |
I really love the contrast here, birth quiet, laughter loud. |
_________________
The man who doesn't read good books has no advantage over the man who can't read them.
Go to heaven for the climate or hell for the company.
The clothes make the man, naked people have little or no effect on society.-Mark Twain |
|
| Back to top |
|
Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Jun 2007
Posts: 800
Reviews: 319
Country: Ireland
432 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 10:27 am Post subject: |
|
|
Woah Via, this is some powerful stuff. Claudette and smorgishbord have covered pretty much everything. I love the internal rhyme of "hall" and "fall". I love "a bed empty,
a bed filled",
and "sift through death certificates."
It really conveyed a sense of insignifigance, which contrasted with "tears"and the other expressions of pain. |
_________________
"How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire |
|
| Back to top |
|
Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously
Epic Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 20 Mar 2007
Posts: 2707
Reviews: 788
Country: my locker
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 4:29 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath. |
This seemed very isolated from what's around it. Sounds more removed from what everything else is saying. Whereas the rest of the poem seems to deal with a setting internal to a place (hospital, yes?), this speaks more generally, like you're suddenly thrown outside of this world that's been created for you in the rest of the poem.
I love, love the tone. It's at once in whispers and like a painting painted in warm, golden colours. I like the sound of "deafening" against "death" in the second stanza, third and fourth lines. A cool reversal. However, "deaf ears" was used in the second line of the first stanza, so do you really want to repeat phrases?
I thought it ended a little too quickly. No scratch that. Oh, I don't know. Maybe it's the break transition from the deafening laughter to the no noise tonight (from extreme noise to silence is, in itself, deafening)? Something to look at, anyway. |
_________________
Got YWS? |
|
| Back to top |
|
The Jesseble
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 15 Aug 2006
Posts: 199
Reviews: 24
Country: England
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:24 pm Post subject: Re: Don't Long to be a Chart |
|
|
| Via wrote: |
Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears.
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human.
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled.
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath. |
Interesting poem. I can relate to it because I really hate hospitals…not like that means much in this critique @__@
The halls fall on deaf ears this line confused me but somehow that works. I think the assonance ‘halls fall’ is really appropriate – though maybe unintentional.
I don’t know about you, but I really appreciate constructive criticism. So I’ll try and make this complimenting rant as useful as I can. The description in the first stanza – I had to reread it through to make sure that it flowed well. I wasn’t sure at first, but on reading it through again, I found that I liked the ironic humour that rings from the ‘A bed emptied; A bed filled’. I like how you’ve made this as impersonal as possible to emphasise the extremely inadequate feeling that you get in a hospital (well I do). Though, I’m not sure that using the word ‘fall’ a second time in ‘mothers tears fall for her child’. This is impersonal, though I’m not sure if it works well. Surely, the intention of this line is to show the emotions that are expressed by the mother – not that tears are falling from the mother just because she has sore eyes.
In the second stanza: Has a child ever been ‘quietly’ born? Is this a scientology hospital XD? I’m not sure ‘quietly’ is the word that does the contrast justice…I know that it’s a paradox with the ‘deafening laughter’ – it just stood out…ah well *shrug*. I LOVE the imagery in the second stanza, it’s really powerful. With deafening laughter – something about this line…I’m not sure what it is about it but I’m not sure if it goes. Maybe it shouldn’t be ‘with’…that word doesn’t seem to run smooth. Though, looking at alternatives, they don’t work either. Maybe it does work and I’m just being picky – that’s more likely XP.
The third stanza…ahhh, it gave me that old tingle down my spine. I take it that it is meant to show that when you’re in hospital, for whatever reason, you aren’t conscious of what is around you…only on what you are there for. It’s only when you aren’t there, that the strange indifference towards death is apparent…very nice XD.
A nice poem to think on…enjoyable and powerful. |
_________________
***The Jesseble***
Cheese Hat |
|
| Back to top |
|
Monki
needs to write! Nag me, please!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 29 Nov 2007
Posts: 519
Reviews: 87
Country: Poptart Land!!!!!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 1:02 am Post subject: Re: Don't Long to be a Chart |
|
|
| Via wrote: |
Tonight the lights are dimmed;<----Creepy... In a good way.
The halls fall on deaf ears.<----Never heard that one before. What is it supposed to mean? Sorry about my childishness. 
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human.
Somewhere a mothers tears<----I think you should just start a whole new stanza here. this doesn't flow with the line before it...
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath.<-----I think this is my favorite part in the whole poem.
A bed emptied;
A bed filled.<----Okay, my favorites are these two lines and the two I just pointed out. 
But here there is silence.
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter.<-----Dude, are the nurses on crack or something? Wow. Death isn't a funny thing. We should enlighten the nurses... Lol. This flows good with the poem. Keep this line.
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath.<-----This part confuses me, but shows a sense of belonging. That's good. |
Over all, I really enjoyed it. Just a few things that I needed to clear up. I love your writing Via! *envies you*
<3,
Monki |
_________________
"I said I love you and I swear I still do. - "How You Remind Me" by Nickelback
http://missamonki.wordpress.com/
Also, clicky-clicky here ^ ^: |
|
| Back to top |
|
Liz
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 22 Nov 2004
Posts: 493
Reviews: 321
Country: The land down under
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:29 am Post subject: |
|
|
Very nice use of aural imagery in here. I can not only see everything happening but hear it too. Very effective. I also liked your assonance in the second line, I'd suggest more of this if you could; it works really well with the sounds theme you've got here.
Some things I thought were a touch overdone. For example I'm not sure about all of the adverbs an adjectives, some seem a bit to overdo it. I'd question if you really need all of them.
| Quote: |
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath. |
"Dying" for example in that line doesnt seem to strengthen the poem. Would "last breath" be more powerful? I'm not sure.
| Quote: |
| Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath. |
That's a bit full. I like it on one line, so I think the thing to do would be to shorten it and take out one of the adjectives at least. To me it just seemed overloaded. |
_________________
purple sneakers |
|
| Back to top |
|
Blank_Ink
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 28 Jan 2008
Posts: 22
Reviews: 15
Country: Somewhere with merry-go-rounds
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Jan 30, 2008 1:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Quote: |
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath. |
These last two lines bother me. In and of themselves, they're very good. I wish I had thought of them. ^_^
But, in context, it makes me feel as if the poem ended too soon, or did not lead up to these lines enough.
There's almost a "stop and go" feeling to the poem, which I like. The contrast between events, such as death and birth and loud and quite, pulled me in. Because these concepts are indeed opposites, the breaks in your poem really tie in well.
You do words justice, Via.
I really did like it. |
_________________
"Hey," said Shadow. "Huginn or Muninn, or whoever you are."
The bird turned, head tipped suspiciously on one side, and it stared at him with bright eyes.
"Say 'Nevermore,' " said Shadow.
"Bite me," said the raven |
|
| Back to top |
|
Night Masquerade
New Member
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 Jan 2008
Posts: 4
Reviews: 2
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Feb 01, 2008 3:56 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Wow, great poem! I loved the part about harmonic breath! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Emer
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 03 Feb 2008
Posts: 20
Reviews: 18
Country: by the sea
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Feb 03, 2008 3:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
Yes, I am alive and kicking! And I promise I'll post in GC soon. =) But for now, onto your lovely poem, yes? ^^
| Quote: |
Tonight the lights are dimmed;
The halls fall on deaf ears. |
A truly fascinating image there, the halls falling... it brings to mind the sound of footsteps echoing down a long corridor.
| Quote: |
Each doorway an entrance
To the unknown—to the human. |
I love this, but I'd make it into a proper sentence--you could do this by either connecting it with the previous line (changing the period in 1.2 to a comma and inserting 'where' in the beginning of 1.3; or, simply by inserting 'is' between 'doorway' and 'an').
| Quote: |
Somewhere a mothers tears
Fall for her child.
Someplace a man speaks
With his last dying breath. |
The missing apostrophe has already been commented on; frankly, though, I think these are the weakest lines in the poem. I'd delete them and make the suggested changes to the following lines--
| Quote: |
A bed emptied;
A bed filled. |
Maybe instead, "A bed is emptied; / A bed is filled."
| Quote: |
Somewhere a child is quietly born,
While a group of nurses
Sift through death certificates
With deafening laughter. |
I'm not sure I like that image so much; the 'deafening laughter' part in particular is just far too strong for the subtle, cyclical theme of the poem thus far. Maybe you could make it a bit more subtle?
| Quote: |
There will be no noise tonight,
Just the sweet nothings of your harmonic breath. |
This I adore. You've come full circle in terms of quality: towards the middle there it got a little shaky, but in the beginning and end this poem was perfection. Brava! |
_________________
The artist formerly known as Fand. |
|
| Back to top |
|
BGIRL197
Novice
Gender:
Age: 20
Joined: 13 Feb 2008
Posts: 5
Reviews: 3
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Feb 20, 2008 10:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I have to agree with smorgishborg. The poem was very confusing. It wasn't focused at all. However, the sound was nice. Also, I didn't understand the meaning of the poem. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Teague
don't touch me, i'm nanoing
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 16 Oct 2006
Posts: 2032
Reviews: 483
Country: A ship! With me crew!
329 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:53 am Post subject: |
|
|
Hey Yoda! Thanks for letting me practise on your poems. It's a huge help. ^_^
Random question -- how do halls fall on deaf ears? *confused*
Hm. An interesting little poem. I like it... but I'm also befuddled by it? Lol, shows you what I know about poetry. xD
Erm, I'm trying to put my finger on exactly what bugs me about it. I suppose the fact that it seems like none of the ideas relate, but I think that's just me? Meh. I'm terrible with poetry. I'm trying, though! xD
I suppose it's kind of a good thing I don't really have anything to say. Aren't poems supposed to make you think? Heh. Good job, you made me think. xD
-Saint Razorblade
The Official YWS Pirate  |
_________________
"If you don't vote, you're a moron." - Craig Ferguson
"Thank you for choosing Saint Razorblade Stick Beatings, where we really stick it to you - with a stick!" -Mattster
"Begone, earth logic! You have no place here!" -Black Cat Sachiko |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
[deleted1]
Loves Lindsay-Baby forever. <3
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 02 Mar 2007
Posts: 785
Reviews: 189
Country: Toledo
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 4:50 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Hmm...Via, it's good, but it didn't really peak my interest. I think it can be done better. Keep up the good work.
-Rick |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
