Topic ID: 22730
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:12 am Post subject: The Goodbye Gift |
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Lying on the cool country grass,
I connect the many stars in the sky.
Hoping you join me, but you aren’t there.
You stopped listening to me,
Haven’t returned my calls,
You disconnected me and I don’t know why.
You were my rock, my knight in shining armor.
If I was lost in the dark, you always lit a light.
When I was scared,
You held me and told me that it was all right.
I miss your smile,
Your warmth,
Your laughter,
I even missed the arguments.
I guess I will never know why you left me.
But I realized that life goes on
And there’s plenty of more fish in the sea.
So you can go away and never come back!
But, the main reason that I wanted to call you,
Is that I wanted to tell you that
The girl you are with might have a disease.
How do I know you ask?
Well, let’s just say that was my goodbye gift to you. |
_________________ Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
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chucki666
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 27 Nov 2007 Posts: 26 Reviews: 24
300 Points
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Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:31 am Post subject: |
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| i really liked this. :] |
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M.B.Author
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 15 Apr 2007 Posts: 214 Reviews: 187 Country: At the Cullen's home playing with Rensemee 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome. Way good. I like it!
-- M.B.Author |
_________________ Listen to advice and except discipline so that you
may be wise for the rest of your life
-- Proverbs 19:20 |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 12:49 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you for your great feedbacks!  |
_________________ Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
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Lady Sydney
Baroque Princess Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 409 Reviews: 196 Country: No, I prefer Italian food. But thanks for asking! 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:09 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm...
This was good, but I think it could be better. What your piece lacks the most of is a set rhythm (or maybe I just can't find it. lol) and enough emotion to allow your readers to feel what YOU feel. I understand what the point of this is, but I didn't connect... if that makes any sense. You didn't express enough to make me feel the same way that you do. Try... adding some deeper imagery, I suppose, and really paint a picture of your heart. (or whoever the poem is referring to)
Other than that, it was nice. Just work on adding a little more emotion and you should be good to go.
Best wishes with your work!
~*Sydney*~ |
_________________ Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel. |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:17 am Post subject: |
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| It doesn't have a rhyme scheme because it was a free verse poem, Silly. |
_________________ Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
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Lady Sydney
Baroque Princess Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 28 Feb 2007 Posts: 409 Reviews: 196 Country: No, I prefer Italian food. But thanks for asking! 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 10:44 pm Post subject: |
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| I didn't say rhyme scheme. I said rhythm... as in the beat/tempo? I'm not sure what the correct term is. I know that it's free verse, I just couldn't figure out how to read it. |
_________________ Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel. |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 3:30 am Post subject: |
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| Oh, sorry Silly. I think I know what you mean. I don't think there is one. |
_________________ Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
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*singerofthenight*
just stole your pickle! Wha hahaha *runs off* Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 16 Jan 2008 Posts: 763 Reviews: 52 Country: I wish i knew...*blinks* 111 Points
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Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:55 pm Post subject: |
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really great hey thanx 4 ur posts on my poems....i really do want to be a novelist.....im already working on my first book called why did it have to be me? ..... its about human trafflicking.....but anywayz i really enjoyed this poems....brings back soooooooo many memories... great job!! |
_________________ Lifewas radical rightafterImetthe monster. Later,life becameharder,complicated. Ultamitely,aliving hell. Like swimmingagainst a riptide,walking thewrongdirection inthefastlaneofafreeway,wakingfrom tehsweetestdreamstofindyourselfinthemiddleofa nightmare. |
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ana_is_a_banana
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 21 Jan 2008 Posts: 20 Reviews: 7 Country: The Valley 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:26 am Post subject: |
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I think this s a really nice poem, but I agree that it needs a better rhythm. But good work, it is really nice!!! Bravo!  |
_________________ Ana
“Be who you are and say what you feel because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind.” |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 4:39 am Post subject: |
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Thanks ana.
Wolves, I can't wait to read your book and more of your poems!  |
_________________ Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
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blacktiger3915
It's the eye of the tiger! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 26 Nov 2007 Posts: 730 Reviews: 270 Country: Atlanta,GA USA 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:25 pm Post subject: |
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Hi everyone, I decided to bring out this poem one more time to see if anybody else wanted to comment on it. I love this poem and I hope you do to. Please be honest, don't try to butter me up.
Love,
Brooke  |
_________________ Don't send sheep to kill a wolf. |
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