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by SeleneForeverDream in Lyric Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on November 29, 2007
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The Goodbye Gift

Topic ID: 22730
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blacktiger3915   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:12 am    Post subject: The Goodbye Gift Reply with quote

Lying on the cool country grass,

I connect the many stars in the sky.

Hoping you join me, but you aren’t there.            

You stopped listening to me,

Haven’t returned my calls,

You disconnected me and I don’t know why.

You were my rock, my knight in shining armor.

If I was lost in the dark, you always lit a light.

When I was scared, 

You held me and told me that it was all right.

I miss your smile,

Your warmth,

Your laughter,

I even missed the arguments.

I guess I will never know why you left me.

But I realized that life goes on 

And there’s plenty of more fish in the sea.                    

So you can go away and never come back!

But, the main reason that I wanted to call you,

Is that I wanted to tell you that

The girl you are with might have a disease.

How do I know you ask?

Well, let’s just say that was my goodbye gift to you.

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chucki666   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

i really liked this. :]
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M.B.Author   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 5:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Shocked

Awesome. Way good. I like it!

-- M.B.Author

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blacktiger3915   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 12:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your great feedbacks! Very Happy Very Happy Very Happy

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Lady Sydney   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 16, 2008 10:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hmm...

This was good, but I think it could be better. What your piece lacks the most of is a set rhythm (or maybe I just can't find it. lol) and enough emotion to allow your readers to feel what YOU feel. I understand what the point of this is, but I didn't connect... if that makes any sense. You didn't express enough to make me feel the same way that you do. Try... adding some deeper imagery, I suppose, and really paint a picture of your heart. (or whoever the poem is referring to)

Other than that, it was nice. Just work on adding a little more emotion and you should be good to go. Wink

Best wishes with your work!

~*Sydney*~

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blacktiger3915   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 2:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

It doesn't have a rhyme scheme because it was a free verse poem, Silly.

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Lady Sydney   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I didn't say rhyme scheme. I said rhythm... as in the beat/tempo? I'm not sure what the correct term is. I know that it's free verse, I just couldn't figure out how to read it.

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blacktiger3915   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 3:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Oh, sorry Silly. I think I know what you mean. I don't think there is one.

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*singerofthenight*   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

really great hey thanx 4 ur posts on my poems....i really do want to be a novelist.....im already working on my first book called why did it have to be me? ..... Cool its about human trafflicking.....but anywayz i really enjoyed this poems....brings back soooooooo many memories... Laughing great job!!

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ana_is_a_banana   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:26 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this s a really nice poem, but I agree that it needs a better rhythm. But good work, it is really nice!!! Bravo!

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blacktiger3915   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 4:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks ana.

Wolves, I can't wait to read your book and more of your poems!

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blacktiger3915   View This User's Portfolio
It's the eye of the tiger!
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PostPosted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 6:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hi everyone, I decided to bring out this poem one more time to see if anybody else wanted to comment on it. I love this poem and I hope you do to. Please be honest, don't try to butter me up.





Love,
Brooke Very Happy

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This thread was created on November 29, 2007

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