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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:14 pm Post subject: EverWayward #3 |
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Chapter One Part III
“Aedomir, Aedomir! Wake up!” Aedomir’s eyes opened partway, and his vision burst into action. Above him shimmered a battle-worn face, whose hoarse lips trembled and panted deeply.
“Someone call me?” He gave a hearty smile as best he could and slowly rose. His left leg had stiffened and he took great difficulty in moving it. The man, who he now recognised as Gortim, had taken to smiling profusely and had caught on to Aedomir’s arm. After a heave Aedomir stood on the rocky ground, leaning against the boulder. “Where are we?” He looked around the torch-lit room through squinting eyes and attempted to separate shape from shape.
“Sorry it’s a bit dull in here,” He said jovially. “We just about managed to drag your body out of the rocks, along with… Captain Aganost.”
A tearing pain ripped inside Aedomir’s heart. He focused all attention into solemnly gazing at the floor, in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Gortim. Fortunately, he had turned away from Aedomir and but could still be seen from the corner of his eyes. “I did what I could, you know… He was a great man, Aganost.” Aedomir took a deep breath and looked across to Gortim’s back. “He made me realise… One leader could not rule our lives. Unless we had stuck together all these years we would be dead.” His voice trailed off into thought.
“Alas, we must move on.” Gortim spun round and forced a weak smile onto his face, however it could have just been the dim light mirroring off his face. “Shall we?”
Aedomir nodded and limped to Gortim, who stood to one side of short corridor. The cave was damp. Small drops of water were dribbling from overhead, splashing onto his hair and trailing down his cheeks like tears. It was only then that he realised he was soaking wet. He looked down at his drenched cloak. “Sorry about that, the waterfall.” Gortim said, almost mind-reading. They passed into a large circular room.
As Aedomir hobbled in, two rangers standing next to the door stopped mid-sentence and fixated their eyes on his. He whipped his eyes away, only to greet a man at the far end of the room, impassively sharpening the edge of his sword on a jagged rock. He counted six men, including himself and Gortim.
Six.
Thirty able men had left with him from Orchis. That makes twenty five men dead. Fallen in cerise snow. Even now their bodies would be rotting away. “Where are the dead?” Aedomir asked as he turned to Gortim.
“We managed to carry five away; you, Aganost, Thradum, Keyrl and Debose.”
Keyrl. Only joined a week back. They found him lying face down in a puddle when Aedomir rescued him. “Where are they?”
“In a dugout over there.” He pointed to another cave corridor and sighed. “We should dispose of them and move on if we’re to survive the night.”
After an awkward silence, Aedomir twitched his nose and bellowed a deep yawn that echoed through the chamber. “We were almost fooling ourselves to think we would be left alone. There’s no point in pondering any longer, we must do what we can for the dead, then leave.” He frowned and risked a glance to Gortim. “How long have I been out?”
“Few hours? We’ve not left for a while; Kalbarc patrols are heavy after nightfall let alone what other creatures nature is ready to throw at us.”
“We should get some sleep, well you at least. I will be on guard, I think you deserve that.” Gortim nodded and turned to tell the men, but before his mouth could open Aedomir placed his hand on his shoulder. “Actually, no. I will go outside and harvest what food I can.” Gortim went to protest but found himself concurring with Aedomir and pointing to a dark corner.
“The door is over there but be careful, shall I—” But he had gone, off into the wilderness.
#
Through the narrow passage, fresh air greeted him. Also, the sound of trickling water met his ears, and a gushing waterfall came into view. That’s what Gortim meant then, they had taken refuge in a waterfall. He appeared to be the base, with steamy water spraying into the cavern, and galleons of water falling asunder. He could see his reflection shining gracefully back; the scruffy, loose brown hair that tickled his neck; the scruffy overall, patched in every corner, and the pure blue eyes. For a moment he stood under the water just bathing in its splendour. The hose of water presented a refreshing soak to the touch and he felt renewed by the shear force of power above him.
After a short paddle downstream, the river’s banks sloped in and a snow-topped forest worked its way into sight. The stream slowly withered away into the ground. He climbed out and gently ran his fingers through his hair, gravely staring at the mass of dark shapes. As he stepped towards the forest, pacing long strides, he began to hum the accounts of the day:
Scar-Turner he sought
The vengeance of men
So help him he thought
And then it was then.
They slashed they held
Against such foes
But death was expelled
And lost were woes
To Suntary they came
And there they rested
Legs were lame
But soon battle had bested.
He broke off at the wood’s border. Carefully, he pushed the bushes aside and stepped in. Nothing could be seen through the pitch black atmosphere… Just a pair of bright, glowing eyes. |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human.
Last edited by Aedomir on Fri Mar 14, 2008 6:25 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 733 Reviews: 234 Country: Limbo... 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:21 pm Post subject: |
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wow. you are a great, great writer. i just did a really long review, so i don't have time for a long one here, but i will say this: you rock. the plot is good, your writing style is awesome, and you're a good poet, too.
i really can't wait to read more, because your writing style is better than some famous writers (Christopher Paolini's isn't as good as yours, i must say...)
a lot of great writers are British, i guess...you could be one of them. (not that americans aren't good, or anything)
i'll leave the grammar edits to someone who's better than me |
_________________ Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
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Jared
because bears do it better Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 1562 Reviews: 585 Country: USA 1082 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:33 pm Post subject: |
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Awesome! I love this story. It's freaking awesome. Now, on to the crit:
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| After a heave, Aedomir stood on the rocky ground, leaning against the boulder. |
Comma after heave.
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“Sorry, it’s a bit dull in here,” he He said jovially. |
Comma after sorry. He shouldn't be capitalized.
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He focused all attention into solemnly gazing at the floor, in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Gortim. |
I think that you should cut out the bolded words. This should be plainly inferring for the readers. We should infer that he is looking at the ground because he doesn't want to look at Gortim. And, the bolded parts are too tell-y instead of showing us.
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| Fortunately, he had turned away from Aedomir and but could still be seen from the corner of his eyes. |
Choose one of the bolded words to use.
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| Small drops of water were dribbling from overhead, splashing onto his hair and trailing down his cheeks like tears. |
I love this sentence. "Like tears" really adds to the effect. Great job!
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| fixated their eyes on his. He whipped his eyes away, |
These two eyes are used too close to each other. I would recommend you changing the second sentence to, "He looked away,"
Oh, cool! I really liked the description of the waterfall. You really have a talent for writing.
You know, I've never been able to get into a fantasy story. Never. Except now. You've lured me in and I won't be able to stop reading until this is over.
So, I guess that means that you have won over a fan.
Great job!
Your fan,
BBB |
_________________ If you're a Mormon writer who wants to get to know other people like yourself, or if you're someone who wants to learn more about our church, join The Mormon Club.
"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!" - Fiddler on the Roof |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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Wow first fan! I've been working on this story for over a year but you should have seen some of the crap I was coming up with to begin with, lol.
I only posted this a few minutes ago! Wow, I wonder if it'll sell this fast lol. Thanks for the reviews, the respones are just so encouraging!
Well, I'm off to do my Maths coursework and geograhpy homework ... Then I'l finish part 4! |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 733 Reviews: 234 Country: Limbo... 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:50 pm Post subject: |
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aedomir, i was just wondering...how do you get so many reviews? lol! i just noticed yours because i had finished a review and went back to the homepage and yours was there (and i've been reading the story), so i read. PM me when the next comes out!
oh, and btw...
i'm a fan too! lol |
_________________ Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:04 pm Post subject: |
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lol thanks i have no idea how i get so many reviews! bigbadbear was the first to read #1 and he's become quite a good mate on the site!
im writing #4, shud be the end of the chaapter |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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Teh Wozzinator
Respect the 'Vette! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 26 Jul 2007 Posts: 733 Reviews: 234 Country: Limbo... 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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it's probably just because you have a great story that lots of people will want to read.
you know...if you ever have time...maybe you could look at my "magic of chocolate" story...sorry, i don't usually ask people to read. *blush* |
_________________ Cow: You're a lawyer too?
Mosquito: Yeah, I was already a blood-sucking parasite, all I had to do was get the briefcase! ~The Bee Movie
There are "normal" people in the world, but they're no fun to write about. |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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| Ye sure I'll have a look--promise! |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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JabberHut
The One and Only! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 943 Reviews: 451 Country: Whats you wants? My blood? Gets yer own! 695 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: |
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Sorry I didn't get to this sooner. I have homework to finish up still.
Again, you can hold conversations through PM rather than this thread. It will be easier for critiquers.
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| “Aedomir, Aedomir! Wake up!” |
"Aedomir! Aedomir, wake up!"
| Quote: |
| His left leg had stiffened, and he took great difficulty in moving it. |
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| “Sorry it’s a bit dull in here,” He [lowercase] said jovially. |
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| Unless we had stuck together all these years, we would be dead.” |
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| Gortim spun round and forced a weak smile onto his face, [period?] however, it could have just been the dim light mirroring off his face |
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| Fallen in cerise snow. |
Again, you learn a new word every day. I'm gonna widen my English vocabulary by reading your stuff.
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| Even now, their bodies would be rotting away. |
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| “We managed to carry five away; [colon rather] you, Aganost, Thradum, Keyrl and Debose.” |
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| There’s no point in pondering any longer, [period] we must do what we can for the dead, then leave.” |
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| Kalbarc patrols are heavy after nightfall, let alone what other creatures nature is ready to throw at us.” |
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| “We should get some sleep, [double dashes? Or triple dots]well you at least. |
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| I will be on guard, [period] I think you deserve that.” Gortim nodded and turned to tell the men, but before his mouth could open, Aedomir placed his hand on his shoulder. |
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Also, the sound of trickling water met his ears, and a gushing waterfall came into view. |
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| That’s what Gortim meant then,[double dashes or semi?] they had taken refuge in a waterfall. |
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| He appeared to be the at base, with steamy water spraying into the cavern, and galleons of water falling asunder. |
I don't think any of those commas are necessary.
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| For a moment, he stood under the water just bathing in its splendour. |
I wish I could comment on the poem, but I don't do well with poems. *bites lip* I tried, but when the verses are laid out as sentences, I didn't know where to put punctuation. >_< It sounded good, though.
Overall, you're an amazing writer. Don't get us wrong. Keep it up, and I look forward to what comes next. (Could you PM me the link when you have it up, please? It's best to have those in PMs when I have school. )
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________ "I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
CIA -- Join today!
Recruiting all WoWers! -- Join today! |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 9:22 pm Post subject: |
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Ye sure no prob jabber.
Thanks for the review, I take it your the punctuation person! |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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Katharsis
Writer

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 31 Aug 2007 Posts: 92 Reviews: 31 Country: Terra Australis Incognita 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 7:30 am Post subject: |
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| aedomir wrote: |
Above him shimmered a battle-worn face, whose hoarse lips trembled and panted deeply. The 'whose' here seems out of place, I would rephrase this to indicate 'his lips'.
“Someone call me?” He gave a hearty smile as best he could and slowly rose. His left leg had was stiffened and he took great difficulty in moving it difficult to move. The man, who he now recognised as Gortim, had taken to smiling profusely and had caught on to Aedomir’s arm. After a heave Aedomir stood on the rocky ground, leaning against the boulder. “Where are we?” He looked around the torch-lit room through squinting eyes and attempted to separate shape from shape.
“Sorry it’s a bit dull in here,” He said jovially. “We just about managed to drag your body out of the rocks, along with… Captain Aganost.”
A tearing pain ripped inside Aedomir’s heart. <-- This sentence seems convoluted, tearing and ripped indicate the same thing. It just seems weird. He focused all attention into solemnly gazing at the floor, in an attempt to avoid eye contact with Gortim. Fortunately, he had turned away from Aedomir, and but could still be seen from the corner of his eyes. <-- Either make it 'corners' or 'eye'. “I did what I could, you know… He was a great man, Aganost.” Aedomir took a deep breath and looked across to Gortim’s back. “He made me realise… One leader could not rule our lives. Unless we had stuck together all these years we would be dead.” His voice trailed off into thought.
“Alas, we must move on.” Gortim spun round and forced a weak smile onto his face, however though it could have just been the dim light mirroring off his face. “Shall we?” <-- Basically, those are needless or needlessly long/awkward words.
Aedomir nodded and limped to Gortim, who stood to one side of the short corridor. The cave was damp. Small drops of water were dribbling from overhead, splashing onto his hair and trailing down his cheeks like tears. It was only then that he realised he was soaking wet. He looked down at his drenched cloak. “Sorry about that, the waterfall.” Gortim said, almost mind-reading. They passed into a large circular room.
As Aedomir hobbled in, two rangers standing next to the door stopped mid-sentence and fixated their eyes on his. <-- 'Fixated' doesn't sit well with me in that sentence. I'd write something about their gazes meeting or something, fixated doesn't feel right. -- Whipped doesn't really work for me either. --> He whipped his eyes away, only to greet a man at the far end of the room, impassively sharpening the edge of his sword on a jagged rock. He counted six men, including himself and Gortim.
Six.
Thirty able men had left with him from Orchis. That makes twenty five men dead. Fallen in cerise snow. Even now their bodies would be rotting away. “Where are the dead?” Aedomir asked as he turned to Gortim.
“We managed to carry five away;: you, Aganost, Thradum, Keyrl and Debose.” <-- Error already mentioned above. Colon, not semicolon.
Keyrl. Only joined a week back. They found him lying face down in a puddle when Aedomir rescued him. “Where are they?”
“In a dugout over there.” He pointed to another cave corridor and sighed. “We should dispose of them and move on if we’re to survive the night.”
After an awkward silence, Aedomir twitched his nose and bellowed a deep yawn that echoed through the chamber. “We were almost fooling ourselves to think we would be left alone. There’s no point in pondering any longer, we must do what we can for the dead, then leave.” He frowned and risked a glance to Gortim. “How long have I been out?”
“Few hours? We’ve not left for a while; Kalbarc patrols are heavy after nightfall let alone what other creatures nature is ready to throw at us.”
“We should get some sleep, well you at least. I will be on guard, I think you deserve that.” Gortim nodded and turned to tell the men, but before his mouth could open Aedomir placed his hand on his shoulder. “Actually, no. I will go outside and harvest what food I can.” Gortim went to protest but found himself concurring with Aedomir and pointing to a dark corner.
“The door is over there but be careful, shall I—” But he had gone, off into the wilderness.
#
Through the narrow passage, fresh air greeted him. Also, the sound of trickling water met his ears, and a gushing waterfall came into view. That’s what Gortim meant then, they had taken refuge in a waterfall. He appeared to be at the base, I'd change it altogether and say: "He was at the base," far more concrete, less unnecessary words. with steamy water spraying into the cavern, and galleons gallons of water falling asunder. He could see his reflection shining gracefully back; the scruffy, loose brown hair that tickled his neck; the scruffy overall, patched in every corner, and the pure blue eyes. For a moment he stood under the water just bathing in its splendour. The hose of water presented a refreshing soak to the touch and he felt renewed by the shear sheer force of power above him.
After a short paddle downstream, the river’s banks sloped in and a snow-topped forest worked its way into sight. The stream slowly withered away into the ground. He climbed out and gently ran his fingers through his hair, gravely staring at the mass of dark shapes. As he stepped towards the forest, pacing long strides, he began to hum the accounts of the day:
If the trees are snow-capped, wouldn't the water be freezing?
Scar-Turner he sought
The vengeance of men
So help him he thought
And then it was then.
They slashed they held
Against such foes
But death was expelled
And lost were woes
To Suntary they came
And there they rested
Legs were lame
But soon battle had bested.
He broke off at the wood’s border. Carefully, he pushed the bushes aside and stepped in. Nothing could be seen through the pitch black atmosphere… Just a pair of bright, glowing eyes. |
I don't see why Aedomir suddenly had the compulsion to find food, some growling stomach description and such might have been warranted to grant the motivation some credence. Perhaps give some more meaning to the little expedition, make him mourn his lost companion -- maybe make it the reason he insisted on going out alone. That dialogue, and Gortim instantly agreeing disappointed me a bit.
The poem is alright, but it doesn't -really- compell me, or convince me that the despair of losing someone so close, or the illustration of such a fierce battle would culminate through it.
I think you need to explore Aedomir's character more, or give him some goals to pursue. We're familiar with events, and your description draws us in. But I don't feel like I really know Aedomir, understand him, or what he and these rangers really intend to do. |
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Shreksurmum
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 21 Jan 2008 Posts: 37 Reviews: 20
300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:06 am Post subject: |
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i really liked this, your a great writer and a great poet as well! i like the plot and everything about the story. now for the critque
He appeared to be the base, you need an AT after be
and thats about it lol, i could find no grammar mistakes so i would keep up the good work! |
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JezzaP
Novice

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 24 Jan 2008 Posts: 13 Reviews: 5 Country: ENGLAND! 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 7:14 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow Mark! this is considerably better than your first drafts. They were somewhat reminisscent of your latin homework... This is much better. Still no idea what the plot's supposed to be, but you have to have a good writing style, which you do. |
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Vernon
Always shall Love Elizabeth his Beautiful Goddess Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 09 May 2005 Posts: 3825 Reviews: 647 Country: Building a bridge to Elizabeth's heart and guiding her to mines. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hmm, this chapter didn't do it for me. It wasn't the scene. I just felt some things not really explained. I've some advice for ya. I've found a great author for battle stuff is Raymond e Feist. He even goes so far as the comradship. You don't feel it here. You focus too much on Aedomir a mistake. I'm not saying this is terrible just trying to help you improve. You've got me reading. That's great. The poem rhyming seemed forced it seems more like a song. And I can imagine this better as a lengthy story. Make it more a tribute to his fallen leader. Hope this helps next chapter .
Good luck
VSN |
_________________ We get off to the rhythm of the trigger and destruction. Fallujah to New Orleans with impunity to kill. We are the hidden fist of the free market.
We are the ink, we are the quill.
[The Ink And The Quill (Be Afraid) - Anti-Flag] |
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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| ye I hate that poem... |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
2. Human. |
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