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SASSYLADY333
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 Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 2:14 am Post subject: One Night, One Chance |
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The clock strikes midnight, and he doesn’t seem to care or notice. Unless it prompted him to do what he did next. He grabbed me into my arms and his lips pressed against mine. At his light touch my heart burst open pouring out a passion of light.
And in our explosion of passion I tear away from him, even though it pained me. Like a starving caveman having to break from his feast of meat. Like a lion having to break his ravenous teeth from his prey that he wants to devour.
He looks at me in surprise and disappointed, the candle light in the room making his face a perfect portrait.
“ I , I have to go!” I stammer out turning toward the door to go, the midnight bell still ringing in the ball room below.
“ No,” he commanded me, he grabbed me arm turning me toward him. “ Stay with me, don’t go yet.”
I looked into his dark brown eyes, like the color of tree trunks in an enchanted fortress. “ I must go. I’m sorry, this night was best I could hope for. You are--”
“ I love you Babette.”
I looked at him the chiming continuing, soon to die down, “ Farewell.”
I saw the sadness mask his face, and he loosened his grip on me. I opened the door running down the stairs, throwing myself into the ball room full of guests. Wondering where Aaralyn was, and if why’d make it back in time. Either way knowing we’d taken the chance, and made the best of it as we promised. I’d have no regrets it hadn’t been for one thing. I’ll always regret not saying I love you. |
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SASSYLADY333
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 2:20 am Post subject: hey |
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Sorry for the shortness! I didn;t want to put the story line yet because it requires some research. And I hate to make an extra long post, as I do an inaccurate one. I thinking of making this take place in the Victorian Ages.
p.s.- By the way I'm developing this for WriterChick13's contest, even if it is over by now... |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 8:17 pm Post subject: |
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Ah, very nice. I liked it!  I have a thing for the Victorian ages, so if you ever continue, I'd like to know. ^_^ There was nothing really wrong that I could spot out, except for the fact that you switch tenses. If you're going with a first person POV, then it would be best to have the events go an as the STORY goes on... if that makes sense. Here's an example:
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| The clock strikes midnight, and he doesn’t seem to care or notice. |
This is the tense you start off with. You used "the clock STRIKES midnight" and also "and he DOESN'T SEEM to care". Those words that are in caps are words that let us know that everything is going on as we speak. Now, here's an example of how you switched tense:
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| He grabbed me into my arms and his lips pressed against mine. |
Here, you have "he GRABBED me" and "his lips PRESSED against mine." The words I've put in caps are words that are in past tense, meaning they've already happened. I guess either tense is fine to work with when using first person, but it would be best to go with the first example. With the second quote, it's like you're telling a story of what's happened in the past, and the first one is what's happening in the present.
That's about the only thing I noticed, though. Everything else seemed fine. ^_^ Great work! If you have any questions about the issue with the tenses, feel free to PM me at anytime about it.
Best wishes with your work!
~*Sydney*~ |
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SASSYLADY333
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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Yeah definetly! I have a hard time with my tenses thank you for pointing that out. 
I'm glad you liked it, and who doesn't love the Victorian ages?
Thanks for the review, ! |
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LoveableLittleSock
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 5:03 pm Post subject: |
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~ The clock strikes midnight, and he doesn’t seem to care or notice. Unless it prompted him to do what he did next. He grabbed me into my arms and his lips pressed against mine. At his light touch my heart burst open pouring out a passion of light. ~
Awww - so cute. I enjoyed your "pouring out a passion of light." Although, shouldn't it be light of passion
~ And in our explosion of passion I tear away from him, even though it pained me. Like a starving caveman having to break from his feast of meat. Like a lion having to break his ravenous teeth from his prey that he wants to devour. ~
The two similies are relatively... annoying. It was clever of you to try to get them in there... but they didn't seem to fit with the story. She's tearing away from a kiss - not shoving her face.
~ I , I have to go!” I stammer out turning toward the door to go, the midnight bell still ringing in the ball room below.
“ No,” he commanded me, he grabbed me arm turning me toward him. “ Stay with me, don’t go yet.”
I looked into his dark brown eyes, like the color of tree trunks in an enchanted fortress. “ I must go. I’m sorry, this night was best I could hope for. You are--”
“ I love you Babette.”
I looked at him the chiming continuing, soon to die down, “ Farewell.” ~
You do not "stammer out" - you say "stammered" There are tree trunks in a fortress? You learn something new everyday.
I like this dialougue. CUTE!
~I saw the sadness mask his face, and he loosened his grip on me. I opened the door running down the stairs, throwing myself into the ball room full of guests. Wondering where Aaralyn was, and if why’d make it back in time. Either way knowing we’d taken the chance, and made the best of it as we promised. I’d have no regrets it hadn’t been for one thing. I’ll always regret not saying I love you.~
I saw the sadness mask his face.. good line. I'm confused about Aaralyn (Whoever he is... the guy she just kissed, I'm guessing? Or her boyfriend?) - and the 'why' in the sentence makes no sense ) I like the ending though - again, CUTE!
Nice job. I hope you keep writing. |
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Sleeping Valor
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| Posted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 9:15 pm Post subject: |
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| The clock strikes midnight, and he doesn’t seem to care or notice. Unless it prompted him to do what he did next. |
I've read this through part way and noticed you seem to have a little problem with tense. These first two phrases are a perfect example: the first is present tense (describing the actions as it happens), but the second is past tense (describing what happened after the fact). You do it in some other places and you definitely need to pick just one or you will confuse readers.
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| He grabbed me into my arms and his lips pressed against mine. At his light touch my heart burst open pouring out a passion of light. |
He grabbed me by my arms and pressed....
He grabbed me into his arms...<If that's what you meant then I'd used 'pulled' instead of grabbed. Grab is very agressive. =P
Um...This may just be me, but isn't passion usually a feeling rather than something you see?
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And(But?) in our explosion of passion I tear away from him, even though it pained me. |
Again, you start present tense (tear) and end past tense (pained).
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Like a ravenous lion having to break his ravenous teeth from hisrelease the prey that he wants to devour. |
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“ I , I have to go!” I stammer out as I turning towards the door to go, the midnight bell still ringing in the ball room below. |
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“ No,” he commanded me, he grabbed memy arm, turning me toward him. “ Stay with me, don’t go yet.” |
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| I looked at him as the chiming continued, soon to die down. “ Farewell.” |
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I saw the sadness mask his face, and he loosened his grip on me. I opened the door and ranrunning down the stairs, throwing myself into the ball room full of guests. |
Tense again. =P
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I wonderingwondered where Aaralyn was, and if whyshe’d make it back in time. Either way knowing we’d taken the chance, and made the best of it as we promised. I’d have no regrets if it hadn’t been for one thing. I’ll always regret not saying I love you. |
^_^ I hope those recommendations and comments help you improve your story. It was very interesting, though there are a lot of unanswered questions at the end. You definitely did a god job and I liked your style and the story. Though I should stop reading these things, I'm a sucker for romance. =P |
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Bella
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| Posted: Fri Jan 25, 2008 3:32 am Post subject: Re: One Night, One Chance |
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| SASSYLADY333 wrote: |
| The clock strikes midnight, and he doesn’t seem to care or notice. Unless it prompted him to do what he did next. He grabbed me into my arms and his lips pressed against mine. At his light touch my heart burst open pouring out a passion of light. |
Okay, this is a good start. You can see that a bold/italiced a few things that I thought needed some work. First, your tense, which has already been pointed out repeatedly. Also, the second line could use something. It doesn't seem to fit well -- it slows down the flow of the story. Also, he most likely pulled/grabbed you into his arms, not yours. It doesn't make sense the way it is worded now.
| SASSYLADY333 wrote: |
| And in our explosion of passion I tear away from him, even though it pained me. Like a starving caveman having to break from his feast of meat. Like a lion having to break his ravenous teeth from his prey that he wants to devour. |
There may be just a few too many metaphors (I believe that's the correct term) in this. Metaphors are good for describing, but try to find some other ways to get the idea across.
| SASSYLADY333 wrote: |
He looks at me in surprise and disappointed, the candle light in the room making his face a perfect portrait.
“ I... I have to go!” I stammer out turning toward the door to go, the midnight bell still ringing in the ball room below.
“No,” he commanded me, he grabbed me arm turning me toward him. “ Stay with me, don’t go yet.”
I looked into his dark brown eyes, like the color of tree trunks in an enchanted fortress. “ I must go. I’m sorry, this night was best I could hope for. You are--”
“I love you Babette.”
I looked at him the chiming continuing, soon to die down, “ Farewell.”
I saw the sadness mask his face, and he loosened his grip on me. I opened the door running down the stairs, throwing myself into the ball room full of guests. Wondering where Aaralyn was, and if why’d make it back in time. Either way knowing we’d taken the chance, and made the best of it as we promised. I’d have no regrets it hadn’t been for one thing. I’ll always regret not saying I love you. |
I don't have much more to say. I made a change of putting a period of ellipses instead of a comma at one point, because I think it shows the hesitation better. Also, I suggest you work on your dialogue slightly. You put thoughts that don't go together together with a comma, making it kind of hard to read.
Good job, keep up the good work!
MERRY WRITING!
~Bella~ |
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JackBauerHasABaldSpot
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 12:51 am Post subject: |
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I've been trying to get to it and...well, finally! Anyway.
Since the grammar issues appear to be sorted out, let's get on to the writing...
I don't really like it just because of preference (comedy or nothing), but if I was a larger fan of romance itself, I'd like it. The thing is, it's hard not to call this kind of...cheesy, in my opinion. Though there's been worse, try to sneak more into the credibility factor. Perhaps our male lead has bad breath, or our leading lady's pimples are annoying her something fierce. Hey, everyone had problems sometimes, even in the Victorian age! Actually, considering our advancement in such a short amount of time recently technology-wise, having these problems weren't so uncommon.
Anyway, there are questions in this story that I'd like answered (perhaps, in another post?), but I suppose that if you're trying to go for the mystery mood, you got it. Also, the change of tenses that has been mentioned is a small problem, but it's a bit noticeable in the reading.
Otherwise, I couldn't be prouder. |
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lakegirls
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| Posted: Thu Feb 14, 2008 1:12 am Post subject: |
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Hi,
That was excellent! I really liked it! How much more are you going to write? I didn't see anything wrong with it, just watch your grammar.
I really liked this part:
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| I saw the sadness mask his face, and he loosened his grip on me. I opened the door running down the stairs, throwing myself into the ball room full of guests |
Good imagery and I liked the way you said:
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| sadness mask his face |
instead of just saying he looked said, it makes it really descriptive
Keep writing this please, it was wonderful
Love,
lg* |
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SASSYLADY333
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| Posted: Fri Feb 15, 2008 1:37 am Post subject: |
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Thank you!!!
Thank you both!
p.s- thanks for finally reviewing this comerade! 
p.p.s- Well since you all like it so much...I'll write something more, God knows i have the pint up frustation to turn into a passionate story...hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm |
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"Show us, don't tell us!" They say, but sadly I realize I'm a storyteller. When I cross over and accept maturity, when I want to change then maybe I'll be willing to show people my prose and not tell them. As a writer I have to grow. |
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