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Aedomir
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 Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject: EverWayward #1 |
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Author's Note I posted this back in January, but please take this and up to around #7 as a pinch of salt, I have improved leagues since then! Thank you.
Chapter One
Fourteen muddy rangers aimed their swords towards the countless Kalbarcs. Each bearer muttered a silent prayer under their breath. Just the weak circle of exiles, back to back on the summit of Mount Suntary stood between hordes of leather-clad savages and complete conquest of the known world.
The fingers trembled over the weapons, yet none lowered. Veils of fear and dread swept across their faces, but it was the sudden inspiration of vengeance that inspired an embracing strength. Retribution was ought to their comrades; each now face down in crimson snow.
No end to the swarms of Kalbarcs, each tearing through the misty pines looked in sight. The end to the chase was far and the end to these dark days even further. Only a bitter ending had been unmasked. Death awaited them.
Overhead, what should have been the product of a shimmering twilight, fused into a burnt orange. The Kalbarcs, nimble purple statures secreted foul stenches that stroke even the rangers, a closing distance away.
No side to the peak bore an escape. The goblin-like creatures that leapt between obstacles and ledges rapidly closed in. Each leap brought nothing but a pounding heart to the outlaws. They raised their blades for the clash. Sweat and chattering teeth began to overcome them and they neared the verge to succumb to devilry before the front wave skidded to a break in the snow. In turn, the outlaws glanced at one another, not daring to bash an eyelid. A faint crackle sizzled from behind them. Wearily, they risked a sharp glance over their shoulders, unaware of the vista that loomed.
The sight that greeted them boiled their blood and sucked away the breath from their bodies. It presented no malice; in fact it had rekindled their hope.
In the centre of the group, a jet black ground had burnt from the ice. There, between them all lay baron dust heaps, punctuated by nothing save for the cacophonies of Kalbarc screams. Not these were the men gaping at, but the great, raging stature that had arisen from the ground. The Guardian had arrived.
Aedomir and Aganost, shoulder to shoulder exchanged a swift glance, and turned to the enemy. “Let’s go!” Aedomir cried. After a moment to gather courage, they tensed their blades. “Now!” They leapt into the air, heaving swords handle first towards the now charging swarms. With a great smash, Aedomir’s sword clashed forward and knocked two Kalbarcs down. Dark blue blood gushed out and with an instant drive of the blade a third toppled helplessly into the crowd. He felt a scimitar whoosh past his cheek. Guided now, he made for another strike.
The skills of Aganost’s fine attacks, kept the enemy at bay, but he wondered for how long. Captain of the outlaws, Aganost greeted battle not so easily. Now, he began to forfeit to age, but he knew that with Aedomir and the Guardian at his side, he would be safe. Bless the lad. Aedomir would give his life to save Aganost, and after all these years, he knew a favour ought to be handed back to him.
Aganost lashed his sword forward and spun sharply round, releasing his momentum in a sudden swipe, knocking a line of Kalbarcs down clean. A row behind these recoiled backwards and a path arose. But a path to what? Kalbarcs were still hurdling from the mist, and the great companionship that had lived with him through his life would be abandoned to die if he left now. The upshot of loyal men fighting alongside him, come rain come retribution. He could not leave his comrades.
After five minutes of battle had passed, Aedomir became aware of the dieing men around him. The Guardian would be ready soon… just keep holding… seven minutes… eight... He threw his sword-grasped fist into the air. Two rotten spears broke from the crowd and clashed into the side of his blade. With a fine thrust of his blade, the spearheads cleaved from the shaft and propelled into the mist. Before the Kalbarcs could recover, a slash of Aedomir’s sword had gashed one’s neck and punctured the other’s stomach. |
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Last edited by Aedomir on Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:56 am; edited 7 times in total |
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Jared
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:13 pm Post subject: |
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Hey, there Mark!
Ok, one quick thing before I get to the crit: be sure to put a space between each paragraph. This way it is much, much easier to read, and more people will read it.
Ok, on to the crit!
| Quote: |
| Just the weak circle of exiles, back to back on the summit of Mount Suntary stood between hordes of leather-clad savages and complete conquest of the known world. |
This is an incredibly long sentence. But I love the way that you worded it. Maybe there is another way that you can break this into two sentences?
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| The fingers trembled over the weapons, yet none did lower. |
Yet none did lower sounds very... weird for some reason. How about, "yet none lowered'? It sounds smoother and easier to read.
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The Kalbarcs, nimble purple statures secreted foul stenches that stroke even the rangers, a closing distance away. |
This isn't a complete sentence. If you take out the words in the commas, it would read:
The Kalbarcs a closing distance away.
That's not a complete sentence. Add the word 'were' before 'a closing distance away'.
| Quote: |
| Aedomir became aware of the dieing men around him. |
dieing = dying.
Whoa...
This is only the first draft? Holy cow, kid! This is better than the fifteenth draft that I could ever write! This was amazing.
You can go a little overboard with descriptions, but I guess that it's fine because you balance it out with stunning action. I mean, this was incredible. I loved it. You presented us with a really fun and great story to read. Great job on that.
I will be looking forward for more!
BBB |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 6:19 pm Post subject: |
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Thank you so very much! When you said about dying, isn't that when you dye something a colour? I don't know but thankyou for the wonderful review! No one has EVER said that I can write, in fact I showed a similar piece to a friend and they said I couldn't write to save my life, I soon stayed clear of them! Thank you,
Mark |
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Jared
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 7:15 pm Post subject: |
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Are you serious? You're amazing.
No, dying is when you aren't living anymore AND when you dye something another color.
Oh, yeah, and before I forget: this story isn't rated R. I would change it to PG-13. R is for sexuality, major swearing and all that bad stuff. If this just has violence, it's fine at PG-13.
Whoever said you can't write is a horrible person. You're writing rocks!
BBB
*don't take that the wrong way* XD |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 7:21 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks again, that dying thing was really irritaing me! Wow you're great, I'll change it to pg-13 if I can. |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 7:58 pm Post subject: |
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Hello! Wonderful to meet you, Aedomir. ^^ Mind if I take a peek at what you've written? I didn't think so.  Before I begin: I'm gonna rip, tear, and smile the whole time...so fair warning. 
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| Just the weak circle of exiles, back to back on the summit of Mount Suntary, stood between hordes of leather-clad savages and a complete conquest of the known world. |
I think I found what 3B wants. That comma right there that I put in for you in bold. ^^
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| Their fingers trembled over their weapons, yet none lowered. |
The underlined portion implies that the fingers lowers, rather than the weapons. The fingers trembled over the weapons, yet no one lowered their defense. Adjust as needed. 
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| Retribution was ought to their comrades; each now face down in crimson snow. |
Their comrades sought retribution for their friends lying in the crimson snow.
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There was No no end to the swarms of Kalbarcs, each one tearing through the misty pines looked in sight. |
I would delete the underlined portion. OF course, maybe I completely read the sentence incorrectly. Plan to redo this sentence.
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| The end to the chase was far, and the end to these dark days was even further. |
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| Overhead, what should have been the product of a shimmering twilight, [don't think comma's necessary here] fused into a burnt orange. |
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| The Kalbarcs, their nimble purple statures secreted foul stenches that stroke even the rangers, a closing distance away. |
I don't think 'secreted' is what you want. It means 'concealed' or 'buried'. In this sentence, you say their bodies are concealing the stench, but the rangers can smell it. Try 'exposed' or 'released' or some other word. ^^
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| Sweat and chattering teeth began to overcome them and they neared the verge to succumb to devilry before the front wave skidded to a break in the snow. In turn, the outlaws glanced at one another, not daring to bash an eyelid. A faint crackle sizzled from behind them. Wearily, they risked a sharp glance over their shoulders, unaware of the vista that loomed. |
Very good description here! And now I'm aware of your style of writing, so I will adjust the rest of my crit to match it. Bravo!!
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| It presented no malice; in fact, it had rekindled their hope. |
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There, between them all lay baron dust heaps, punctuated by nothing save for the cacophonies of Kalbarc screams. |
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It was Not these were the men gaping at, but the great, raging stature figure [don't use 'stature' too much ^^] that had arisen from the ground. The Guardian had arrived. |
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| Aedomir and Aganost, standing shoulder to shoulder, exchanged a swift glance, [no comma necessary] and turned to the enemy. |
It's you!! *excited*
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After a moment to gather courage, they tensed tightened their grips on their blades. |
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| With a great smash, Aedomir’s sword clashed forward and knocked two Kalbarcs down. |
Woah, you're tough!!
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| Dark blue blood gushed out and, with an instant drive of the blade, a third toppled helplessly into the crowd. |
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| The skills of Aganost’s fine attacks, [delete comma] kept the enemy at bay, but he wondered for how long. |
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| Now, [delete comma] he began to forfeit to age, but he knew that with Aedomir and the Guardian at his side, [delete comma]he would be safe. |
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| The upshot of loyal men fighting alongside him, come rain come retribution. |
Not sure about this sentence. I think your comma should move after 'come rain' instead of before, but not entirely sure. 
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After five minutes of battle had passed, Aedomir became aware of the dieing dying men around him. |
It took my the longest time to understand that 'dying' is the act of death as well as coloring. You're not along.
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| He threw his sword-grasped fist into the air. |
He threw his sword into the air. He has to be holding it in order to do just that. It's a given.
Your character's cool. 
Overall, it's very impressive! I love your story and your writing is amazing! I only pointed out punctuation suggestions that may smooth out the reading a bit. Your description is amazing, and I'm a fan of action. You did so wonderfully when describing the sword fights. Bravo!
A little character description would be nice, but if that's coming up in the next part, then don't worry about it. I just don't know what he looks like yet. If you're incorporating that part into the second part, though, then ignore this comment.
Your writing is marvelous! Whoever says you can't write needs to read some more books.  You do a fabulous job, and I look forward to reading more of your works, I really do! You have great potential!
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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I am so pleased with the responses I have been getting, thanks, both of you. You're tough when it comes to grammar! But fair call, it seems a lot more readable, and it flows nicer too. Thanks a lot, and I mean that, you must have spent a lot of time to post that review. Thanks!
Mark
ps: thanks for reminding me abotu what they look like, I completly forgot! Usually its the first thing I do! |
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yoha_ahoy
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 8:46 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not a huge grammarian. BBB and Jabber covered that pretty well. I really liked your action though and the visuals are great! And yeah, whoever said you can't write, obviously doesn't know anything about literature, cuz you've got something going for you here. Great job! I hope you keep this up!!
~Yoyo |
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Aedomir
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| Posted: Sat Jan 19, 2008 11:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, I'll post part 2 to chapter 1 soon. It will be around the same length, 700 words or so. It might be quite sad though... that's all I'm saying... Thanks a lot everyone, I am stunned by such wonderful reviews! |
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 11:09 am Post subject: |
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between them all lay baron barren dust heaps |
Look through the reviews you've acquired and adjust your piece accordingly. Most of the corrections I would have made have already been noted. |
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Church
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 3:45 pm Post subject: |
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if you keep going this would be just great now add some more first name basis characters and you have a great novel...if it was but longer
good job |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sun Jan 20, 2008 9:17 pm Post subject: |
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wow. your writing style is great. are you really only fourteen?? you've got a great story here (and yes, PG-13 fits), and with a little grammar clearing up, i think it'd be great. your wording is really good and the plot seems to be good. i really liked it...
i won't badger you about grammar because Jabber and BBB have taken care of that, and there's nothing i would add to what they said. great story. |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 6:42 am Post subject: |
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| I really love the imagery in this story. You are really a good writer and don't let ANYONE tell you you're not. BTW, thanks for welcoming me. I look forward to reading more of your stories. |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 9:02 am Post subject: |
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Couple notes... why all the needless telling? Unless this is a narrative piece it is overly dramatic and written like an epic poem, but clearly doesn't follow typical form. A couple key points, their is no human element, its like watching a movie and that is really rather boring to me. If you keep this up (say outside of a prologue) it will be nearly impossible to relate to the characters and just become needless filler with undeveloped characters.
Good points:
Sentence structure matches mood.
It flows.
Paints a decent picture of a brutal fight.
Bad points:
No character development. This is the first chapter, introduce characters and give us something to relate to and fast.
Time is not clear.
Why in the world are goblins Arabs!?
Use of actual time measurement in narrative story.
Conflict of naming system seems unusual. (Trivial at this time, but might want to watch out for in future)
Overall:
You've followed the standard battle format to the letter, however there are a lot of underlying weak spots with in the story thus far. Using all those big flashy words and smooth descriptions hides the actual weak writing underneath. My work also used to be called 'pregnant/bloated or excessive' with adjectives when it still is missing the key aspects that make the story good.
Here's an example:
In the centre of the group, a jet black ground had burnt from the ice. There, between them all lay baron dust heaps, punctuated by nothing save for the cacophonies of Kalbarc screams. Not these were the men gaping at, but the great, raging stature that had arisen from the ground. The Guardian had arrived.
In the center of the group there, lay barren dust heaps, punctuated by Kalbarc screams. Men gaped at the stature that had arisen from the ground. The Guardian had arrived.
Your sentences are full of nothing at all, most don't even make sense! Such as the first piece:
In the centre of the group, a jet black ground had burnt from the ice.
What are you trying to say? What in the center of the group? Jet black ground had burnt from ice? This does not make sense at all. Same goes on with the next sentance:
There, between them all lay baron dust heaps, punctuated by nothing save for the cacophonies of Kalbarc screams.
Again? What are you talking about? Is it proper to switch the subject in a sentence? No. Its like a camera is panning over some aftermath of a battle and you put it into writing. Those two things shouldn't be in the same sentence without the subject. And last piece of the sentance:
Not these were the men gaping at, but the great, raging stature that had arisen from the ground. The Guardian had arrived.
Oh wow... >.>; Do I even need to be serious on this sentence? Its too flashy and has nothing, again you do not give a subject in the sentence. And you finally make a USEFUL sentence that is far to short at the very end. The entire paragraph had no substance or even made any sense when you really read it.
Excuse me for disagreeing with people, but your work is showy rather then with substance.
Oh and just in case you thought I had picked a weak piece to harp on about, this is your only decent paragraph and it still reads like Beowulf.
The skills of Aganost’s fine attacks, kept the enemy at bay, but he wondered for how long. Captain of the outlaws, Aganost greeted battle not so easily. Now, he began to forfeit to age, but he knew that with Aedomir and the Guardian at his side, he would be safe. Bless the lad. Aedomir would give his life to save Aganost, and after all these years, he knew a favour ought to be handed back to him.
No comma after attacks. Period after bay instead of a comma. No but. Or rather strike out that and the next sentence entirely. The next... fix heavily. Remove Bless the lad, did someone suddenly change nationalities or what? The last is really NOT needed unless you are foreshadowing his death.
All in all this piece that actually gives SOME insight into the characters is well... very shallow and macho, but impossible to connect with. All of it boils down to basically two very simple sentences.
Being captain of the outlaws, Aganost's skilled attacks kept the enemy at bay. With Aedomir and the Guardian at his side, even aged, he could not fall in battle.
See what I did there? Besides taking out this Adeomir out of the picture and focusing on Aganost it made him seem far more important and proud. The second sentence seems to take over still and I really don't like that aspect, because it seems like there is two main points in the paragraph rather then one.
Sorry to be rough, but this stuff jumps out at me instantly while other reviewers here get taken in by the adjectives. Ask Snoink or Squallz to give it a read through, Snoink for general purpose, Squallz for form. I'm terrible at comma usage, but great at finding sentence flaws now. |
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Snoink
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| Posted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 10:32 am Post subject: Re: Path of the Strider: The Immortals |
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First of all, welcome to YWS!
Errant mentioned my name, though he didn't mention this story to me persay. I suppose I might be considered one of the harsher critiquers on YWS, and I suppose you'll see why in just a minute, but, despite everything that I may say, I really really want to see this become an awesome work.
Now, the thing that unfortunately attracted me was the title. As soon as I saw the title, I thought, "Ohmygawd, if this is another LOTR rip-off (Strider, etc.), I will kill myself." Of course, I tend to be overdramatic about those things, and I am an extremely picky fantasy reader, so go figure, but it just... I would pick a new title. Your title made me believe that the story was much crappier than it is.
| aedomir wrote: |
Chapter One
Fourteen muddy rangers aimed their swords towards the countless Kalbarcs. |
Okay! Let's stop.
The first sentence is incredibly important, no? I once did a study on all these great books and I found myself drawn to the stories, if they had good opening lines. So let's analyze this. The first word, "fourteen" implies that a male has written this, and this is going to be rather technical. That is, the fact that there are fourteen men is SOOOO important that it is deserving to be in this first sentence, as the first word, even!
The next word, "muddy" describes that they've probably been walking and haven't had a chance to clean themselves up yet--despite your childhood memories, maybe, mud is incredibly annoying, drags down your clothes, and is several other different ways disadvantageous, especially when such a technical writer writes about it. I suppose you can have a flowery person who thinks mud is great write about mud and it would be the most beautiful thing ever, but because your first word was "fourteen" then it can't be that artsy.
The next word nearly gave me a heart attack. Rangers? RANGERS??? This better not be some sort of LOTR spin-off! I hope, I hope...
I don't think it is. But would it kill you to come up with different names?
And then... they aimed their swords.
...
You aim a gun. You aim a spear. You aim with a bow and arrow. You do not aim swords. Swords are not long-range. Unless, of course, your fourteen rangers decide to toss away their swords at these Kalbarcs, for some reason. Which, admittedly, is a funny image in my mind, but I doubt that's the intent. Maybe they draw their swords? Weigh their swords in their hands?
And that's the other question. They have these hordes of Kalbarcs coming towards them, and they only have... swords? Swords are short range. If I were a Ranger, I would be doing everything I could to deplete the number of Kalbarcs as quickly as I could. I find it hard to believe that Rangers who are muddy, which is a sign of being outdoors for a while, would only have swords as weapons because swords are very poor hunting tools. They might have sling shots, bows and arrows, trained dogs, trained horses, guns, fire, spears, something, anything else.
And even if, for some bizarre reason, they are vegetarians and the only predators that are around can only be killed by swords (and you better come up with a GOOD reason for that) then why wouldn't they be throwing rocks or doing something else to prepare for battle? The reason why swords are so close to the hands is because it can be easily grabbed if the enemy gets in close range. The trick is to kill the enemy before it can beat you up.
And I got all of this from the first sentence.
And yes, I know I'm a terrible person, because I gave you this ultra-long critique so far about the first sentence, but that's only because I love you.
The good news: it's only the first sentence. The first sentence can always be revised.
And... but we can deal with that later, no? Let's continue on!
| Quote: |
| Each bearer muttered a silent prayer under their breath. |
Ooooo... religion.
This is an inopportune to mention their religions, since obviously they're preparing for battle, but I think it's interesting to bring in god(s) and the like. Do they believe in the same god? How do they pray? Even in our own experience, outside the fantasy realm, all of us pray in completely different ways. And I just wonder... how do they do this?
I don't know. That stuff is interesting to me. Moving on!
| Quote: |
| Just the weak circle of exiles, back to back on the summit of Mount Suntary stood between hordes of leather-clad savages and complete conquest of the known world. |
I'm a stupid person, perhaps, but it took me a long time to figure out that this weak circle of exiles were the rangers. Why? Because you described the rangers as being muddy and fourteen and armed, and you didn't mention they were exiles. That's a slightly important fact! Perhaps this is the reason why they're so miserably armed. Or maybe they don't really care whether they live or die. These sorts of things are important to say upfront. I don't care that there's fourteen of them... I want to know who they are.
But this picture of them as exiles really doesn't make sense with the latter part of the sentence.
Observe:
ex·ile
[eg-zahyl, ek-sahyl]
-verb, -iled, -il·ing.
–noun
1. expulsion from one's native land by authoritative decree.
2. the fact or state of such expulsion: to live in exile.
3. a person banished from his or her native land.
4. prolonged separation from one's country or home, as by force of circumstances: wartime exile.
5. anyone separated from his or her country or home voluntarily or by force of circumstances.
6. the Exile, the Babylonian captivity of the Jews, 597–538 b.c.
–verb (used with object)
7. to expel or banish (a person) from his or her country; expatriate.
8. to separate from country, home, etc.: Disagreements exiled him from his family.
[Origin: 1250–1300; ME exil banishment < L ex(s)ilium, equiv. to exsul banished person + -ium -ium]
So how can they be exiles and yet be about to accomplish the complete conquest of the known world? If they're exiles, even if they do defeat these guys, this means that the conquest of the world cannot be completed because they still exist. So you have to be very careful about your word choice here! What do you mean?
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| The fingers trembled over the weapons, yet none lowered. Veils of fear and dread swept across their faces, but it was the sudden inspiration of vengeance that inspired an embracing strength. Retribution was ought to their comrades; each now face down in crimson snow. |
This made me twitch.
I don't know about you, but I'm in band (yes, I'm a band geek... I play clarinet and bass clarinet, just so you know! ) and just before a concert, everybody acts differently. Some are noticeably quieter, others talk even louder (if that's even possible!) and so on. Everybody has a different reaction to stress and will go to lengths to relieve the stress that they have.
That's before a concert--this is a life and death situation! It strikes me as oddly mechanical that they do this and--what's more--that they seem to have the same reaction, that nobody's fighting the urge to run, and so on. It's just... I don't like it. It makes your rangers seem creepily inhuman and, with the lack of description of who they are, the creepiness is just intensified.
I'm going to stop here, for a couple of reasons. For one, it's two o'clock in the morning and I just realized that I am tired. And I have band tomorrow.  For another, I gave you plenty to mull over already...I wouldn't want to overwhelm you.
Mind you, I probably have overwhelmed you. I am one of the most nit-pickiest editors here, which may possibly be a bad thing. There have been times where I have absolutely shredded things on here which, when presenting, whether to a school or to a publisher, they are received quite happily.
And yes, I have shredded these first paragraphs, but I'm curious to see where you go with it and how exactly you edit it. I'm a horrible writer, but I love editing, and I think you may be one of those people... maybe not as horrible a writer as me, but from what it seems like, you really love writing and want the best story possible. You don't mind going in and doing a little rewriting. So I am very optimistic about this story!
I have several challenges for you, just for fun.
1) Name all your fourteen rangers, if you haven't done so already, and then figure out how they react to stress. What keeps them from staying calm?
By answering these questions, I'm hoping that you will polish the story a little bit and make the rangers seem less like creepy robots. Character is good!
2) How do the Kalbarcs die?
By answering this, I'm hoping that you can figure out a better tactic for killing the maximum Kalbarcs possible.
3) Take out every adjective and adverb of your story. (Remember: adjectives and adverbs are words attached to things or actions that describe; i.e. "My black shirt has this huge hole in the very front.") How does it read now?
By answering this, I'm hoping you slim down the fight scenes so they seem to be more concise, which means they'll pack a bigger punch. And fight scenes with a bigger punch are awesome.
Guh... almost 2:30am.
Good morning! I really really hope that this critique makes somewhat sense! If you have any questions, feel free to bug me. Or, if you just want to clarify a point that I might have made, feel free to bug me. In fact... just feel free to bug me. I like being bugged.
Good luck! I hoped that helped! |
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Leopluridon '08: He Will Show Us The Way! |
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