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TheD2
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 Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:08 am Post subject: Like Fine Grains of Sand |
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This a poem I wrote not to long ago. Ok not even an hour ago, but it was better that some others I've written, so tell me I you like it. I am trying to develop me poetry skill, so any help would be nice. 
Like Fine Grains of Sand.
The touch of her hand,
Is like fine grains of sand.
May I wish to hold it all the time.
The touch of her hair,
Is like fine grains of sand.
May it stay silky and smooth all her life.
The sound of her voice,
Is like fine grains of sand.
May its wonderful tone never wither.
May every day with her be joyous,
For whom next I stand,
Is like fine grains of sand. |
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annabanana
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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| Who are you writing about? You must realy like her alot, Cute, i like the writing style you used! AnnaBanana |
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Lady Sydney
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 11:18 pm Post subject: |
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You kinda threw me off with the repetition of "Is like fine grains of sand", but it seemed pretty good besides that. I liked it! ^_^
~*Sydney*~ |
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TheD2
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| Posted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 11:40 pm Post subject: For whom is intrested. |
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| The name of the girl I wrote about, her name is Heather, and yes I do like her a lot. We have been going out for 2 months, it will be 3 on February the 1st. So ya. Surprised she didn't running away from me on the first day screaming "What was I thinking, this guy is crazy!" So ya, now you know. |
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keirab
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| Posted: Sun Feb 10, 2008 7:35 pm Post subject: |
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Aww! That was sweet!
I liked it a lot. Especially the repetition of it. I liked the second stanza especially.
Happy writing!
~Keira |
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Adnamarine
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| Posted: Mon Feb 11, 2008 8:20 pm Post subject: |
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It's good, I just don't get the references to sand...
| TheD2 wrote: |
| May I wish to hold it all the time. |
Do you wish that you hold it all the time? Or are you hoping that you wish to hold it all the time? Because it sounds like that latter, and that doesn't really make sense.
Maybe I'll have time to go more in depth later, but my overall impression is that it's pretty good.
*adna* |
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GingerLizzy
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| Posted: Tue Mar 04, 2008 12:33 pm Post subject: |
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The repition sent me a little crazy to be honest. I think maybe you could tone it down a little so that you either cut some stanzas, or change the repetitive lines in some stanzas, 'cause I felt that it interupted the flow of it.
Also, I think the length of your stanzas is a little too short. This may just be personal preference - me being selfish for a minute  - but I don't knowfor sure. I felt that it made me rush through the poem, even when I was trying to take my time.
This is good to say it's one of your first poetry posts, so good on ya!
Ginge.
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Lil_Pau
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| Posted: Wed Mar 05, 2008 11:35 am Post subject: |
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Wow. I really like this one. It's short, but very expressive. It shows how much you love someone...and you've done a good job!
Keep it up! |
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