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Because - Chap. 10
Because - Chap. 10

by KJ in Other Fiction
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This thread was created on January 17, 2008
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12 Shocks of Christmas, Pt. 1
12 Shocks of Christmas (Pt. 2)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 3)
12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 5)
12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 6)
12 Shocks of Xmas (Pt. 7)

12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 4)

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JabberHut   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 3:46 am    Post subject: 12 Shocks of Xmas (pt. 4) Reply with quote

It took me long enough, but I finally got it up. I wrote this at night when I was really exhausted, so there may be a lot of problems with it. Just point them out for me. I need to sleep. Maybe I'll dream about part 5. Wink

Part 4

I didn’t sleep well that night. I woke up a couple times from nightmares of what gift Mabel would send me next. I didn’t know if I felt any better when morning came ‘round.

We were to stay home again today. I wasn’t going to read my book, thinking horrors were getting to my head. Instead, I went downstairs to the basement and killed some people on a computer game. I couldn’t wait to kick some butt, being one of the best players among my friends. However, I was getting frustrated at the number of deaths I had after only ten minutes. I couldn’t concentrate on the game. My hands kept shaking and my shoulders were tensing to the point where my neck started to ache. Where were Mabel’s massages when I needed them?

I growled as my character fell to the ground, shot by a distant sniper. I banged the table in anger, my head landing on the keyboard in frustration. I couldn’t kill a single guy. I heard the familiar ring that told me my character was alive again.

I sat back up and walked my character through the silent room when my hand shot up to my right ear. I grimaced as the familiar earache returned. For years before, I’ve had ear infections and such. One year, my eardrum itself popped and I had to stay home from school due to the mess it made. Of course, I didn’t expect such a tragedy, though I knew the pain well and didn’t like it at all.

I closed the game after I died for the hundredth time and walked upstairs. The ear pain faded by now, but I was ready for when it would return. It never came to hurt me only once. It would come back to taunt me again.

“Phil, could you go fetch Teddy?” Mom said when I arrived in the kitchen where the delicious smell of hamburgers was calling me. “He ran off somewhere, and I’m afraid he’s attempting the staircase again.”

“Where’s Sara?” I asked, peeking over my mom’s shoulder. She was cutting up tomatoes as we spoke.

“Watching Susie in the living room,” Mom replied. “Go fetch Teddy now.”

I sighed and left the kitchen. I passed the hallway where I heard Susie say, “Barbie! It’s Barbie!”

“Yeah, it’s Barbie,” Sara repeated dully. I glanced in the room as I passed. Sara was reading her book as Susie stood in front of the TV, her mouth hanging open.

I turned the corner and stopped in front of the staircase. There was Teddy, lifting his stocky leg up over and over, trying to climb up that first step. I leaned on the wall, watching with amusement. Teddy grunted and slapped the green carpet with his hand before trying several times more to hop up onto that stair.

My face scrunched up as I took a big whiff of something unpleasant. I turned away and down the hall. “Mom, Teddy’s got a late Christmas present for you!”

“Can’t you take care of it?”

“Like I would open your gift…”

I heard my mom sigh irritably. “Then come watch the grill,” she said in exasperation. My mom stormed past me for the stairs as I entered the kitchen once again. I walked up to a cabinet and took out a bottle of ear medicine. Taking two red and green pills out, I swallowed them whole with a cup of water.

I leaned against the counter, listening to the hissing hamburgers upon the grill. Grease dropped into a thin try underneath. My stomach growled at the thought of a thick hamburger for lunch, piled with lettuce, tomatoes, and pickles. I had been waiting all week for such a meal and couldn’t wait to sink my teeth into one of Mom’s hamburgers.

“Hey, Phil, look at this!”

I walked away from the grill and peeked into the living room. My face fell as I stared at the glossy blue present in Sara’s hands. I retreated immediately into the kitchen, pretending I didn’t see, though I knew that was a hopeless cause.

I heard Sara enter the kitchen, saying, “Phil, it’s for you.”

“Where’d you find that?” I asked, refusing to look at her.

“Under the Christmas tree, of course.”

“Stop lying,” I said, frustrated. I lifted the lid of the grill and flipped the hamburgers as Sara continued to speak.

“I’m not lying, Phil,” Sara said sternly, sounding too much like Mom. “Just take the present. It’s from Mabel. What would she think if you refused her gift?”

I scowled and looked at her. “Something’s not right about those things. They may look cute, but they’ll be the death of me. I’m not opening it.”

Sara glared at me and I refused to look into eyes cloned from Mom’s. “Mabel will be coming home in a few days. Are you just going to stop opening them? What will you tell her?”

“I already know what they are!” I snapped. I leaned against the counter, calming myself before I spoke again.

“Just open it,” Sara said exasperatedly, walking closer to me and holding it out. “Nothing bad seems to happen when you open them, except you go a little crazy. That’s only for a short time, though.”

“Don’t jinx it,” I muttered, glaring at the box in Sara’s hands. She didn’t reply. I sighed before taking it from her and walking to the wooden table.

“You open it,” I insisted, stepping back.

Sara pushed me back to the table. “Don’t be an idiot,” she snapped.

I clenched my teeth with annoyance. I flipped one piece of tape off the end before glaring at Sara. I tore the next piece and continued as so. Soon the paper was finally off the box. Sara was more than ticked, her hands on her hips and her toe tapping anxiously. I smirked before staring back at the box.

After long minutes, I removed the final piece of tape and dramatically lifted the flaps of the box. Four tiny birds of different colors lay within the box.

I screamed and doubled over as my right ear seemed to have burst. The pain was excruciating. Both my hands clapped over it, my eyes shut tightly, trying to endure the pain. I couldn’t, though. It had never hurt this much, and I didn’t know how to handle it. I felt myself drop to my knees. Behind the loud beating in my ear, I could hear faint screams that never seemed to end.

I took a deep breath when I felt my lungs constricting. I opened my eyes and yelled again at the sight of blood spilled in front of me. I scooted away in a panic, my hand fully covering my ear. The screams continued, as did the throbbing. Those pills had done squat to heal the earache earlier. In fact, it seemed to have made it worse.

“Make it stop!” I screamed with fear. Tears flood down my eyes as I leaned against the wall. “Make it stop!”

Breathing was the least of my worries. I only took a deep breath when my lungs begged me. My knees were up to my chin as I cried on the kitchen floor. I felt the warm blood flow through my fingertips and down my arm. “Make it stop!” I continued to yell over the distant screams.

“Phil! That’s enough!”

I felt something nail me in the side and I fell over, flat on my face. My breathing was heavy, and it was the only thing I could hear. No more throbbing, no more screaming, no more crying. I lay on the floor, thankful that it was all over. My eyes closed as I felt the comfort of the cool kitchen floors on my cheek.

“Phil, get up!”

I didn’t want to. I was slow to obeying. The command was repeated twice before I finally budged. I sat up and stared up at Mom who glared straight back at me, hands on her hips. She was furious, I could tell, but I didn’t care. No blood was seen anywhere and my ear felt perfectly fine. However, sweat beaded my face and my breath was still quick.

“Get up, Phil! Stop worrying your sister—the joke’s over.”

It wasn’t a joke, I thought to myself, but I didn’t say anything to Mom. With the chair as my support, I stood on two feet and stared at the box on the table. Four birds of blue, red, black, and green sat inside. Four Calling Birds.

I heard the scream echo in the back of my mind as the three words repeated themselves over and over…

Make it stop...

--------------------------------------------------------

My ear hurt the entire time I wrote this. (The ear infection thing was written from experience Wink) Anyway, I'm kind of worried I spent too long explaining the horror part of this. Let me know about that. Er...I can't think right now. Tear it to bits. ^^


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Last edited by JabberHut on Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:38 am; edited 2 times in total
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Gladius   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 4:01 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yay! *gets first dibs*

JabberHut wrote:
I didn’t know if I felt any better when morning came ‘round.

Hm. Not sure about the apostrophe...usually, you only use shorthand like this in dialogue, but I guess it's ok in first person.

JabberHut wrote:
I sat back up and walked through the silent room when my hand shot up to my right ear.

He he. This makes me think Phil is walking through the basement room, not the character he's playing. Maybe it should be, 'I sat back up and was walking my character through a silent room when my hand shot up to my right ear.' Wink

JabberHut wrote:
The ear pain faded by now, but I was ready for when it would return. It never came to hurt me only once. It would come back to taunt me again.

Maybe connect the second two sentences? And 'The ear pain' should probably be either 'the pain in my ear had' or 'the [insert pain adjective here] pain had...'

JabberHut wrote:
Phil, could you go fetch Teddy,” Mom said when I arrived in the kitchen where the delicious smell of hamburgers dragged me.

Need a ? at the end of the first part of Mom's dialogue. Also, 'when I arrived in the kitchen where the delicious smell of hamburgers dragged me.' is a bit awkward. Don't really know how to rephrase it, though.

JabberHut wrote:
There was Teddy, lifting his stocky leg up over and over each stair, trying to climb up. I leaned on the wall, watching with amusement. Teddy grunted and hit the green carpet with all his might before trying several times more to hop up.

The underlined part is a bit...strange. He fell with all his might? It sounds as if he's deliberately trying to fall. Maybe move that to after 'several times more.'

JabberHut wrote:
I leaned against the counter, listening to the hissing hamburgers upon the grill. Grease dropped into a thin try underneath.

Wait a minute--there's a grill in the kitchen? O.o I think you mean stove... And 'try' should be 'tray.' Missing the 'a.' ^_^

JabberHut wrote:
and took out some ear medicine.

I'm think you want 'a bottle of ear medicine.'

JabberHut wrote:
I retreated immediately into the kitchen, pretending I didn’t hadn't seen, though I knew that it was a hopeless cause.


JabberHut wrote:
“Stop lying,” I said, frustrated.

Maybe 'snapped' instead?

JabberHut wrote:
I scowled and looked at her.


JabberHut wrote:
Sara glared at me and I refused to look into eyes cloned from Mom’s.

Wait. Isn't Mom upstairs with Teddy? Also, cut the 'and' and put a period there. After that, the second half of the sentence is a bit awkward. Wait, I have a better idea: Sara glared at me; I refused to look into eyes that were like clones of Mom's.

JabberHut wrote:
“I already know what they are!” I snapped. I leaned against the corner counter, to calming myself before I spoke again.


JabberHut wrote:
“Just open it,” Sara said ordered, walking closer to me and holding it out.


JabberHut wrote:
“You open it,” I said insisted, stepping back.


JabberHut wrote:
I flipped one piece of tape off the end before glaring at Sara. I continued with slit the next tape piece and continued as so. Soon the paper was finally off the box. and Sara was more than ticked, her hands on her hips and her toe tapping anxiously.


JabberHut wrote:
After long minutes, I removed the final piece of tape and dramatically lifted the flaps of the box.


JabberHut wrote:
It had never hurt this much, and I didn’t know how to handle it.


JabberHut wrote:
Those pills did had done squat to heal the earache earlier.


JabberHut wrote:
Breathing was the least of my worries. I took only a deep breath when my lungs begged me.

'Only' should be before 'took.'

JabberHut wrote:
My breathing was heavy, and it was the only thing I could here hear.


JabberHut wrote:
It wasn’t a joke, I thought to myself, but I didn’t say anything to Mom.

Did you have his thoughts in italics originally? If not, you might want to end the sentence after 'myself' and in the second part of the sentence instead say, 'However I didn't say anything to Mom. Or something like that. Wink

Zohmygod! That took FOREVER!! :thud: Well, it's there. I'm thinking most of your mistakes are from being tired, but I've pointed them out so now you know what to fix. ^_^

JabberHut wrote:
(The ear infection thing was written from experience Wink)

Really? Wow. I used to have problems with earaches when I was little, too. I'd have to take this awful-tasting, liquid-pink medicine. >.< Earaches are the bane of my existence... *throttles earaches* XD

Now, what will the five golden rings do--burn his fingers off if he wears them? Twisted Evil But we already had that with the French Hens...

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 7:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy moly, Gladius. Take all of the fun!

Grr... well, this way good. (as always) I think that you dwelt on the bad thing from the gifts in the perfect way. It was good because the pain should be the main focus. Dwell on it and we will feel the ear infection! Muhahah!

Anywho:

Quote:
I went downstairs to the basement and killed some people on a computer game.


Quote:
I couldn’t kill a single guy.


These kinda cancel each other out.

Otherwho:

This was good. Probably the best out of the others. It's getting a little too predictable, though. I mean, every day he is going to find a gift under the tree. 12 times. A little boring, no? Maybe have Maybell's gift somewhere else? Give us variety! We live to be surprised!

Always,

BBB

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 18, 2008 9:05 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks a lot, guys!

Gladius--Wow. Shocked I'll study your critique more thoroughly in a moment, but that's really long. That just explains how tired I really was. Also, there is such a thing as a grill atop your kitchen counter. It's quite common where I live, among other places. Wink I was a little worried about the mom. Was she too strict? Should she have been more caring?

Thoughts on that would be wonderful, btw. Lol

3B--Lol, I have 12 days, dear. I made an outline in math class after our test, and I pretty much know the plan. The next chapter will be a shocker (bad pun). I wonder how badly the fifth day will be for Phil. Rolling Eyes I'll keep it interesting, I swear I'll try. Wink

More reviews are welcome. ^^ I'll edit ASAP.

Jabber, the One and Only!

**Edited! ^^

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

this was my favorite part! i really liked the horror part...but what three words were they repeating? btw, again, you got the calling part, i think that that's the thing about the first two parts--try to make the horror things related to the gifts

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 1:41 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love the joke about the baby's "x-mas present."

I thought the part in the beginning with killing people on the video game could be better. I didn't flow for me for some reason and felt like it was out of touch with the story. I would suggest rewriting that section.

I loved the "shock" though and it was very well done. I could just see the boy in pain clutching his ears. I loved it.

KEEP IT UP!! ^_^

LOVE--CLICKY

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 7:51 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thank you for your reviews, guys. Smile

Woz--Gah, you're right. What three words did he repeat in his head?? Oh yeah...*edit* Now whatcha think? Very Happy Make the horror relate to the gift...I'll try? That seems beyond me, but I'll see what I can doo. Confused

Dr. Click--I'll see what I can do with the video game part. Otherwise, glad you liked it. Wink I hated writing this part, if I hadn't mentioned it yet. My ear was throbbing as I wrote it. Laughing I'm glad 'today's' over. Wink

I had a plan for the fifth Shock, but everyone seems really excited to read it and plans it will be more horrific. *doesn't understand how this is exciting* Ya'll woulda killed me if I wrote what I was thinking before. I changed the plan, but am still unsure. We'll see what I can do. What ya'll been waiting for may happen tomorrow...Twisted Evil

Thank you! More are welcome. ^_^

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 11:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

lol, when are you going to post it?? oh, tomorrow...(btw, you already said that your ear was aching when you wrote it--lol!)

PM me when five's done

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 11:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Eep, Sorry, Jab. Sad I haven't been checking my PMs, and I just found a heap. xD Anyway, on to the story. Even if Gladius already ruined all the fun. Razz

Grease dropped into a thin try underneath.

*tray

That’s only for a short time, though.”

“Just open it,” Sara said exasperatedly,

Remember to watch the adverbs. They are really annoying, you know, and jar.

Bah, that dialogue doesn't sound quite right. Yes, I am nit-picky. Wink I would try, "That's only for a little while, though," or, "But it's only for a little while."

I tore the next piece and continued as so.

"As so" sounds a little strange.

I screamed and doubled over as my right ear seemed to have burst.

As does that sentence. Wink Try, "I screamed and doubled over. It felt like my right ear had burst."

I was slow to obeying.

"Slow obeying," or "slow to obey."

No blood was seen anywhere and my ear felt perfectly fine.

Awkward. xD Maybe, "I couldn't see any blood, and the pain had faded."

And that's all I could find. Smile Nice job with this one. Since I've been so slow, will the next one be here soon? Razz

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