Topic ID: 21548
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somethingcreative
Junior Writer
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 Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 2:49 am Post subject: Just random writing |
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FADE IN:
INT. NIGHT- OF APARTMENT #115
The Apartment is very bland, white walls with no decorative items, old furniture and is darkly lit. A party is currently going on. In the apartment lays a very petite girl with brunette hair who is wearing lots of makeup and is passed out on the floor naked. The girl’s head is lying in bile excretion. The girl lays there on the floor as partygoers passively walk by her, thinking nothing of the naked girl, as if she were just another passed out drunk.
ALLIE(V.O.)
As I lay there on the floor passed out in my own puke, with my naked body free of service for any pervert to take advantage of, people ignoring me, stepping over me as if I were just an obstacle in their never ending parade, I started to wonder how in the world my life got to this point, how in the hell did I let it get to this. Lying there I was awaiting my life to flash before my eyes, images abiding, swirling here and there. My past reminiscent. Apparently I had seen one to many movies and that never happened, spontaneously, at least. I figured right before I got to this unconscious state that this was the end, it was checkmate, death. I found myself, even unconsciously forcing the flash sequence that was my life up to this point, trying to find the answer as to why I had to go out this way. I mean fuck, any girl would that was passed out in her own puke, on all floors in a random apartment, dying as people walk over you like you’re an immovable object of the earth.
FADE TO:
EXT. DAY- A SMALL COMMUNITY BASED CHURCH IN THE SMALL TOWN OF MORRISON, CO.
A long shot of the small community based Church, which is parallel to an office building and juxtaposed to a Cafe. The camera follows a Caucasian family of four, which consists of a little girl (Allie) holding her father’s hand, a mother to the side and a boy around the age of eight walking on the other side.
INT. OF THE SMALL COMMUNITY CHURCH
The camera continues to pan and track the family of four as they find a section of open bench in the church and sit down.
CUT TO:
A LONG SHOT FROM THE BACK OF THE CHURCH SHOWING THE ENTIRE COMMUNITY FORMALLY DRESSED AWAITING THE PASTOR’S SERMON. THE SHOT GATHERS THAT THE ENTIRE CHURCH IS FILLED WITH CAUCASIAN FAMILIES VERY SIMILAR TO THE FAMILY THAT WAS FOLLOWED INTO THE CHURCH. THE PASTOR BEGINS HIS SERMON. |
Last edited by somethingcreative on Thu Jul 31, 2008 11:56 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Wesley
Senior Writer
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Country: United States
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| Posted: Tue Oct 30, 2007 3:08 am Post subject: |
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| Okay naked girl in puke I am not sure about it! I think it is kind of a little boring and really doesn't get anywhere. The plot doesn't have time to devolop I think this needs more work. There really isn't much of a story to critique although the writing flows rather well and It is ... um....interesting. lol Anyway I would try again but keep writing a little more plot and you'll be good I like your writing. What is this rated anyway! |
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kinzygirl223
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 12:41 am Post subject: Well..... |
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Hmmmm.
I dont think i get it.
Sorry.
It just doesn't work for me. |
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Rigel
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Country: Third star in Orion, and straight on at the speed of light for 800 years.
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 7:52 pm Post subject: |
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| This is a monologue or poem, not a script. |
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thinkarete
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Country: america
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 3:08 am Post subject: |
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| the developing plot is very appealing, very provocative. I would to see where it goes, and also the flow of you writing is superb in this piece. Please continue. |
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darkdove
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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| i like it because it remains me of some indie drama...but i don't get it either but thats what i like about it. I just need to read more to get whats going on. i like where its headed!!! |
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