Topic ID: 24402
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Alice
Disaster Zone
Writer of Legend
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 28 Jan 2007
Posts: 5177
Reviews: 259
Country: In a book or a story, anywhere but here
37 Points
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 Posted: Wed Jan 09, 2008 10:14 pm Post subject: Forget you |
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I can’t seem to sleep
Again tonight
If I do
I’ll lose your face
And every memory
I keep tonight.
But it hurts
And I can’t stop crying.
So why do I even try?
Chorus
‘Cause I cannot forget you
I can’t even guess how to try.
I won’t let this thing go
Because even when I do
I still won’t forget you.
When at last
I drift off to sleep
I dream of that
One perfect week.
So now I can’t think of any place
That I’d rather be
Than right here with you in my dreams.
Chorus
‘Cause I cannot forget you
I can’t even guess how to try.
I won’t let this thing go
Because even when I do
I still won’t forget you.
I wake once again
The clock says it’s a quarter to ten,
The only day that I have of.
I roll over and greet your perfect face.
But I know that once I blink
You’ll be gone, even from my dreams.
Chorus
‘Cause I cannot forget you
I can’t even guess how to try.
I won’t let this thing go
Because even when I do
I still won’t forget you.
I can’t think of a place
That I’d rather be
Than right here with your arms around me.
Chorus
‘Cause I cannot forget you
I can’t even guess how to try.
I won’t let this thing go
Because even when I do
I still won’t forget you.
If I fell
Back in your arms
Would you set me up straight?
Or would you set me down and leave me there?
I don’t want to forget you
I’d rather keep my dreams
than let them flow away.
Cause even if I do.
I know I won’t forget you. |
_________________
I'm Alice.
For the record, I'm not a crack addict, I don't chase rabits wearing waistcoats down holes, and I can't see the future.
And if you don't get any of those you epic fail. |
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DoctorClicky
Junior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 19
Joined: 04 Jan 2007
Posts: 39
Reviews: 29
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 10:39 am Post subject: |
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| I'm slightly confused, why don't they wanna go to sleep if they dream about this lover when they do sleep? I don't like the word choice of "guess" but I can't offer as to why not, maybe I'm just picky, lol. Otherwise I like it ^_^. |
_________________
(discussing the bible)
[Prokaryote] 8:46 pm: The books had some of the best characters ever to grace fiction
[Prokaryote] 10:12 pm: Haha, prove God is real, it's impossible |
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Kalliope
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 24 Sep 2007
Posts: 220
Reviews: 105
Country: somewhere between heaven and hell
563 Points
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| Posted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:57 am Post subject: |
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Hey Alice,
this one is neat^^ (by the way, I hope I wasn't too harsh in my last crit  )
Exept for the logical error Doctor Clicky mentioned. I think you should really get rid of it, because it's kind of irritating and it continues throughout the whole song.
| Quote: |
I can’t seem to sleep
Again tonight
If I do
I’ll lose your face
And every memory
I keep tonight. |
| Quote: |
So now I can’t think of any place
That I’d rather be
Than right here with you in my dreams. |
It's quite the contradiction.
| Quote: |
And I can’t stop crying.
So why do I even try? |
Lovely lines^^
| Quote: |
Chorus
‘Cause I cannot forget you
I can’t even guess how to try. [Great line!]
I won’t let this thing go [I don't like this line. "this thing" really bothers me]
Because even when I do
I still won’t forget you. |
| Quote: |
I wake once again
The clock says it’s a quarter to ten, [again and ten somehow sounds a bit forced]
The only day that I have of. [Have off?]
I roll over and greet your perfect face.
But I know that once I blink
You’ll be gone, even from my dreams. |
| Quote: |
If I fell
Back in your arms
Would you set me up straight?
Or would you set me down and leave me there?
I don’t want to forget you
I’d rather keep my dreams
than let them flow away.
Cause even if I do.
I know I won’t forget you. |
I like the way you end your song. It's strong and ... I just really like it^^
Keep it up
~Kalli |
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PsychicNinja
The Official YWS Ninja
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 04 Jun 2007
Posts: 593
Reviews: 188
Country: You mean planet? We Mando'ade are nomads.
595 Points
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
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Hey Alice.
I agree with Doctor Clicky. and Kalliope about the contradictory thing. I also really don't like how you repeat the chorus way to much. It sounds a little two repetative for me.
Other than that, I liked it.
~Timea  |
_________________
"The nice thing about the alphabet, ma'am, is that it gives you plenty of plans to choose from."
―Fi to Etain Tur-Mukan
"Cheer up, still got E through Z plans."
"One day, Fi, I'm going to give you a good slap."
―Fi and Darman |
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