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accidental Impulse
accidental Impulse

by LOLLIPOPGIRL030 in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on January 2, 2008
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Olivia Goto page 1, 2  Next

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:53 am    Post subject: Olivia Reply with quote

My bubble of idle thought bursts as the electric school bell rings, sharp and metallic like an alarm clock. The rustle of papers and the squeak of metal chair legs against linoleum echo around the little classroom.

“Alright, everyone, please come one by one to my desk to staple your stories and leave them here for me to read. Homework for Monday is to write a short historical character description … I’d say it should be somewhere between 500 and 700 words. I want you to research well—your character should be historically accurate to the time period. Any time period you want. All right? Have a good weekend.”

Obediently, the students stop by my desk, single file, to staple their papers and put them in a neat pile before sprinting out the door in groups of two and three. I look up and am startled to see that the small, pastel classroom is not empty. Towards the middle of the room, an auburn head is bent over a plastic desk, the long curls swaying slightly in the wind from the open window. A pale, slender hand scrawls across a piece of paper with elegant, regular movements.

Her name is Olivia. Other teachers have told me that she doesn't pay attention in class; that she only talks if encouraged repeatedly and even so, gives two-or-three-word answers at best. The latter is most definitely true, but I have to disagree with the former. She may not seem to be focused, but when I read her essays and stories, I always realize that she is acutely gifted and has taken everything that I’ve said into account.

I smile to myself and lean my elbows on my desk. I should probably tell her to go, like her classmates, so that she won’t be late for the bus—but she looks so intent that somehow I can’t bring myself to disturb her.

In the setting sun, she glows like an emerald. She dresses in green; always green. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her wear anything else. Today she wears a fair, delicate shirt with dangling sleeves that flutter in the wind. Her short pants reach her calves in faintly-textured folds of forest green.

She reminds me of a fairy; she is so ethereal and quiet. She flits around the school by herself, unlike the other students who always traverse the halls with friends. Looking at her now, I see her narrow, sandaled feet tapping the legs of her desk as her hand pauses, no doubt in search of the right word. She tucks one of her feet under her other leg and her hand begins to dance once again across the paper.

A few minutes later, she places her pencil on her desk and looks quickly over her work. Seemingly pleased, she folds the papers in half with a neat, decisive crease and places it contentedly on her desk.

“Olivia.” I breathe, my voice barely surpassing a whisper.

She looks up, startled. Her glowing blue-green eyes are the wide, pondering eyes of an innocent observer.

I gesture towards the empty room. She follows my motion with her head and jumps up, slinging her bag over her slender shoulder, before dancing lightly from the room. I chuckle to myself and sit down at my desk to read the pile of stories waiting there.

I haven’t gotten much past the third story when a cool gush of wind blows the piece of paper from my hand to the speckled linoleum. The air is fresh, all drawl of summer devoured by the delicate crispness of autumn. I stand up. Colorful streamers around the room read, I Want to be Able to Shake Hands With Your Character! It’s a lame slogan, and it makes me cringe every time I read it, but it seems relevant considering that this month in creative writing we’re focusing on character development and description. The yellow walls glow and the blue desks cast long shadows in the orange twilight of the setting sun. With a little shiver, I walk over to the open window and close it. I retrieve the paper from the floor and turn on my desk lamp before resuming my reading.

An hour and a half—and eleven stories—later, I relax and slump into my chair, surveying the now-dark classroom through weary eyes. I have finally finished—or so it seems. I look at Olivia’s desk, and see her folded story lying there. I usually save hers for last, as a treat, but I almost forgot about it this time, because she didn’t give it to me at the end of class. I get up and walk over to the desk. The sound of my heels ricochets eerily off the plaster walls with unnatural clarity. I seat myself in her chair and pick up her story. It is almost warm to my touch and seems to shudder as though with a heartbeat—like it’s alive… no, I must be imagining it.

I unfold it and barely notice that the words glow faintly in the dark room. As I read, enchanted, an opalescent aqua mist begins to gather over the neat, cursive letters. It grows and swirls like a tornado. I read on, heart thumping as the gleaming mist rises from the paper. I reach the end and for the first time, I look away from the paper and straight at the gathering mist. It is taking the shape of a little girl, the size of my forearm, with gossamer wings and pointed, elf-like ears. As the wings flutter, the radiant little girl solidifies—and I know her immediately. She is Naraida, the little fairy orphan who is the protagonist from Olivia’s story.

She dances around in the air, flying in circles around my head and singing in a high tinkle of a voice that reminds me of wind chimes. Finally, she alights on the desk in front of me and begins to twitter rapidly in an unintelligible language—Tornill, the language from Olivia’s fantasy world. As she talks, she gesticulates madly with her delicate hands. Ah yes, didn’t Olivia write that gestures are a very important part of Tornill?

The fairy stops her chatter and her hands fall to her sides as she flops down on the desk panting. Only the thought that I might be imagining her helps me suppress a laugh, as I watch the glowing Naraida sit there panting, her wings crumpled and drooping with fatigue from her babbling. She slumps down on her side, holding her head up with a miniature hand, and surveys me with large, insect-like eyes.

Now that she is stationary, I can look more closely at her. She wears a twinkling turquoise jumper that does not seem to have a definite edge, but just fades off into thin air after her knobby knees, like a brush stroke of glittery paint on the schoolroom background. Her green-blonde hair is short and messy from (as Olivia explained in her story) playing rowdy games with the neighborhood rodents.

I try to gulp, but my throat is so dry that the attempt hurts. How could this be happening? I must be going crazy, hallucinating. I look down at the paper in my hand. The letters are runny, unintelligible black smudges across the paper—which does not feel warm or seem to pulse anymore. I never realized how limp and lifeless a piece of paper could be. The words were too powerful for their own good, I suppose.

Looking back up at the classroom, I see the festive banners of I Want to be Able to Shake Hands With Your Character! and my body tenses with the significance of this opportunity.

I look down at Naraida. Her eyes are shut and her thin lips twitch in sleep. I lean down close to the little head.

“Naraida?” I whisper.

The eyes open, one at a time. The wings tremble. The little fairy scrambles to her feet. I reach out a hand, holding my breath in excitement. She looks up at my eyes, her green brows arching and blending with her tousled bangs. She looks down at my hand; up at me; down at my hand again. Her little body bounces once with thrill, before she runs excitedly up to my hand, grasping three of my fingers with both of her hands. Looking into each other’s eyes, we shake hands heartily.


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Last edited by Azila on Mon Jan 14, 2008 5:49 pm; edited 16 times in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:22 am    Post subject: Review Reply with quote

'lo Azila,

Just dropping by to review Smile

Quote:
My bubble of idle thought is burst as the electric school bell rings, sharp and metallic , like an alarm clock. The rustle of papers and the squeak of chair springs echo around the little classroom.

Wow! Great beginning, I love the use of onomatopoeia, similes and not to mention, the powerful opening sentence. Smile Very creative and it did what it was supposed to, it drew me in instantly. Kudos.

“Alright, everyone,” I say, “Please come one by one to my desk to staple your stories and leave them here for me to read. Homework for Monday is to write a short historical character description … I’d say it should be somewhere between 500 and 700 words. I want you to research well—your character should be historically accurate to the time period. Any time period you want. Alright? Have a good weekend.”

Obediently, the students stop by my desk, single file, to staple their papers and put them in a neat pile before sprinting out the door in groups of two and three. I look up and am startled to see that the small, pastel classroom is not empty. Towards the middle of the room, an auburn head is bent over a plastic desk, the long curls swaying slightly in the wind from the open window. A pale, slender hand scrawls across a piece of paper with elegant, regular movements.

Her name is Olivia. Other teachers have told me that she doesn’t pay attention in class. That she only talks if encouraged repeatedly and even so gives two-or-three-word answers at best. The latter was most definitely true, but I have to disagree with the former. She may not seem to be focused, but if one were to look at her essays and stories, one would realize that she is acutely gifted and has taken everything that you’ve said into account.

I smile to myself and lean my elbows on my desk. I should probably tell her to go, like her classmates, so that she won’t be late for the bus—but she looks so peaceful that somehow I can’t bring myself to disturb her.

In the setting sun, she glows like an emerald. She dresses in green; always green. I don’t think I’ve ever seen her wear anything else. Today she wears a pale, delicate shirt with dangling sleeves that flutter in the wind. Her short pants reach her calves in faintly-textured folds of forest green.

She reminds me of a fairy; she is so ethereal and quiet. She flits around the school by herself, unlike the other students who always traverse the halls with friends. Looking at her now, I see her narrow, sandaled feet tapping the legs of her desk as her hand pauses, no doubt in search of the right word. She tucks one of her feet under her other leg and her hand begins to dance once again across the paper.

quick comment about the first sentence in this paragraph, I think it'd work better if you worded it without the "she is". It seems redundant and unnecessary. Just a thought.

A few minutes later, she places her pencil on her desk and looks quickly over her work. Seemingly pleased, she folds the papers in half with a neat, decisive crease.

“Olivia.” I breathe, my voice barely surpassing a whisper.

She looks up, startled. Her glowing blue-green eyes are the wide, calculating eyes of an innocent observer.

Again these are just minor details but you used the word eyes twice. I just don't like the way it sounds but, nothing major..I guess.
.


Alrighty, that's all I found. You've got a wonderful style Azila. Your MC seems very believable and the part where you described Olivia's story was so detailed! I loved it. I don't think you should change anything! It's perfect just the way it is..with the exception of a few grammatical corrections, but that's minor.

Great job and good luck with the contest. This is a powerful entry. Wink

PM if you have any questions, comments, concerns and all that jazz.

Cheers,

--starry.

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Last edited by starrynight89 on Thu Jan 03, 2008 6:40 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow. That was amazing. I could definitely see that in published work. Aside from some minor hitches, it was great.

Quote:
The fairy stops her chatter and her hands fall to her sides as she flops down on the desk panting. Only the thought that I might be imagining her helped me suppress a laugh, as I watched the glowing Naraida sit there panting, her wings crumpled and drooping with fatigue from her babbling. She slumps down on her side, holding her head up with a miniature hand, and surveys me with large, insect-like eyes.


In the bold sentence, you break present tense with the words helped and watched. That was one of the only places that I actually had to reread the sentence.

Quote:
The eyes open, one at a time. The wings tremble. The little body stammers to her feet. I reach out a hand, holding my breath in excitement. She looks up at my eyes, her green brows arching and blending with her bangs. She looks down at my hand; up at me; down at my hand again. Her little body bounces once with thrill, before she runs excitedly up to my hand, grasping three of my fingers with both of her hands. Looking into each other’s eyes, we shake hands heartily.


Your use of body to describe her doesn't sound right. Try saying something like "The little fairy stammers to her feet."

Overall, this was really good. Is this part of a larger story or just a single thing?

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow! This has been on here for less than an hour and already two very helpful critiques! I love YWS.

Gosh, fantasyartist, I can't imagine I made tense mistakes--I'll have to go fix those before anyone else notices. They're a secret between you and me, okay? Lol.

And yes, this is the whole thing.

Thanks!
~Azila~

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Last edited by Azila on Mon Sep 01, 2008 5:05 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:46 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I love this! Its magical and enchanting, and grasped my attention and imagination fully. My one suggestion is that you leave out all the parts where you actually say that the teacher is in Olivia's story, because that is basicly implied already. Also, it would give your story an even more magical feel because it would leave something unsaid, something for the reader to figure out and decide for themselves. I love books where you are still not quite sure at the end what really happened, and have to be content with devising your own story of what could have happened.
Anyways, this is really great! I can't wait to read more of your stories! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:58 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks!

Um... what do you mean by 'the places where I say the teacher's in Olivia's story'? I'm not quite sure I understood that. Do you mean like here:
Quote:
She is Naraida, the little fairy orphan who is the protagonist from Olivia’s story.


????

Anyway, thank you for the review!

~Azila~

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 6:06 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Beautifully written. Enjoyed it. Loved it. Really no mistakes. I'm glad I read this piece.

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:36 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

yes, thats what I meant. Instead of:
Quote:
She is Naraida, the little fairy orphan who is the protagonist from Olivia’s story.

You could just say:
She is Naraida, the little fairy orphan.
Or something like that. If you did that with all the places, I think it would make it more magical. I don;t know if thats what you would want, its just a suggestion. But its good just how it is anyways, so don't change anything if you dont like the idea.
Its for a contest right? Good luck! This is great work!

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 12:30 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahh... I see. I will definitely think about it--thank you!

~Azila~

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Excuse me!!!!! You were supposed to tell me about stuff you posted, remember? Sad

Anyway, I don't have time for an in-depth critique right now, but I'll get to it soon. From what I read it seems very polished. It also seems like kindof an unusual idea, and its very unlike the other things you've written. Well, more later. Very Happy

PS: What the heck is a Jabberwok? Lol.....

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 8:10 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the [future] review. Very Happy

*gasp* you don't know what a Jabberwok is? It is the villain (sort of) from a poem called Jabberwocky, by Lewis Caroll. Here it is. And here's the Wiki article about it.

I like having quotes as my custom title. ^__^

~Azila~

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 1:01 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I like this story! I especially like the idea of telling the story from the teacher's POV, and the description of Olivia.

You could go far with this story idea, mate. I mean, it sounds fine as a story by itself, but it's a great idea that could go anywhere at this point. It's a really good story, and I'm hooked! I guess I'm just a little disappointed that there istn' more...Good show!

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 6:49 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ok..... Most of the errors seem to have been quoted already. this was entirely unexpected, and almost completely unlike any of the other ideas you've used. On the plus side, you have some very convincing imagery. On the cons, there is a lot of unneeded info, stuff you could easily cut out. Also, one teency sentence that I had a problem with:

Quote:
“Naraida?” I whisper, wondering vaguely how bad my accent is.


There isn't much accent in a name. I also think the part when she is trying to communicate and then her exhaustion later was a bit overdone.

Soo.... Im sorry I couldn't be more helpful. This was a very solid piece. Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 6:55 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks everyone!

Canis: I guess there isn't much accent in a name, I'll fix that. Also-- I kind of wanted it to be overdone... Naraida's a kind of theatrical character.

Thanks again!

~Azila~

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 08, 2008 4:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there Azlia,

Quote:
My bubble of idle thought is burst as the electric school bell rings, sharp and metallic like an alarm clock. The rustle of papers and the squeak of chair springs echo around the little classroom.


An excellent opening sentence. One thing that I think is irrelevant would be the adjective "idle". You have already shown that the main character is in idle thought through your descriptions. You do not need the adjective to repeat what you have already shown.

Quote:
I look up and am startled to see that the small, pastel classroom is not empty.


"is startled", not "am startled".

Quote:
Other teachers have told me that she doesn’t pay attention in class. That she only talks if encouraged repeatedly and even so gives two-or-three-word answers at best.


Other teachers have told me that she doesn't pay attention in class; that she only talks if encouraged repeatedly and even so, gives two-or-three-word answers at best.

Quote:
I smile to myself and lean my elbows on my desk.


"On" should be "onto". Elbows are a part of your body my dear.

Quote:
Today she wears a pale, delicate shirt with dangling sleeves that flutter in the wind.


I think you can find another word for "pale". This is because you have used pale earlier and they are very close together.

Quote:
The yellow walls glow and the blue desks cast long shadows in the orange twilight of the setting sun.


Omit the word "orange", as the words "twilight" and "setting sun" already establishes the setting in the reader's mind. We all know that when the sun sets, it emits a sort of a orange aura.

Quote:
With a little shiver, I walk over to the open window and close it. I retrieve the fallen paper from the floor and turn on my desk lamp before resuming my reading.


Omit the adjective "open". The window is obviously open if she is going to close it. Omit "fallen" too, as it is redundant if the paper is lying on the floor.

Quote:
I look at Olivia’s desk, and see her folded story lying there on the blue plastic.


Change "blue plastic" to "table". You have already shown that the desks were blue and made out of plastic. Why repeat yourself?

Quote:
I had almost forgotten about hers, because she hadn’t given it to me at the end of class.


"Haven't." Keep your tenses consistent.

Quote:
I unfold it and barely notice that the words glow faintly in the dark room.


Omit "dark". You have already shown that the room is dark.

Quote:
As I read, enchanted, an opalescent mist begins to gather over the neat cursive letters.


Comma after the word "neat".

Overall impressions:

This is good. I quite like it. You have a very elegant and majestic style to your writing. You have chosen your words wisely and they weave together very smoothly, allowing for a riveting and fluid read. Because of this, I felt quite immersed with your story, for there is this sense of suspense that really makes your reader wanna know more.

I also like how you characterize Olivia through imagery and descriptions. She has this sense of innocence, peace and purity to her that I couldn't resist in not liking her. Even when you had to tell the reader about certain details about Olivia, you kept the wording to a simple, yet sincere structure. Because of this, you have also elaborated Olivia further and it did not felt like an info dump. Kudos to you on that. Your main character is also quite realistic and believable. However, she isn't as well characterized as Olivia is in my opinion.

Another aspect of your writing that I find intriguing is the intricate nature of the piece. Naraida's summoning would have been considered of deus ex machina; it is not possible to summon a character from a person's writing. But the way that how the characters, setting and plot is connected creates a powerful message which is portrayed in this plot device: That if you pour all your heart and emotions into your writing, then your characters will come to life and fascinate those that have experienced such powerful writing.

Watch out for your use of adjectives. Don't use them to reinforce what your descriptions and imagery has already shown.

Overall, this is a very enjoyable read. A powerful and thought provoking read delivered through a clean, yet intricate style of writing.

I hereby bow humbly before you, my lady Very Happy

Andy

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