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Murder at Hampton's ~ Prologue
Murder at Hampton's ~ Prologue

by Merry_Haven in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on October 18, 2007
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Death on Stone

Death on Stone

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PostPosted: Thu Oct 18, 2007 9:26 pm    Post subject: Death on Stone Reply with quote

When Mother died, it was a tragic year for all of us. We had known that she was destined to die in the early weeks of January, but she departed this world in the middle of December, three days before Christmas time. The gloom hung in the wintry day, when the snow fell, and my mother died.

It wasn’t unusual for a plague to catch on that quick, and take someone’s life. Mother just didn’t know she had it until it was too late. Her heart stopped beating, and Charles had to run into our neighbor’s house, screaming, “I need Hank, the doctor! I need Hank, the doctor!”

The door opened and my poor frightened brother scrambled in to find Mr. Hank Leverman, the neighborhood doctor.

“What is it, my dear child?” he questioned Charles as he pushed him out of the freezing weather of December 22, 1856.

“It’s my mum! Hurry! She is in dire need of a doctor! Her pulse is gone, sir!” Charles cried out into the warm house.

Mr. Hank Leverman’s face suddenly turned serious and pale. “Where is she?” he asked.

“No!” another voice cried in another room in the house, “you can’t leave me!”

“Yes, your right…” Mr. Leverman said quietly.

“Who is in there?” my brother asked.

“Mrs. Filburnging. She has lost her eyesight this morning…I can’t leave her, and yet I must. Your mother must get to over to this house right away! Charles! Young man, will you bring your mother over to my house?”

Charles nodded, out of breath. He knew that every second counted.

“Then go, young man, and return with haste!”

But it was already too late. When Charles came back, he saw that Father and I were crying into each other’s shoulders, not daring to look at what was just below us. Charles gasped as he saw his dead mother, lying on the floor. All of the blood from her usual cheery face was gone, and she was as pale as ice.

New York in 1856 was a terribly cold year from start to finish. Many people had caught the flu and died, suffering long hours of torturous medicine down their throat, but nothing could stop the plague from finishing off whatever it started.

It was hard to accept the fact that Mother was gone. When Mr. Leverman asked about the funeral date, it surprised father so much that he ran and hid under his blankets, back at home.

Funeral. What a terrible word, and yet, it had been the most popular word that year. There was always a funeral to go to. There was always someone who had died. But Mother? My Mother’s funeral? Why would someone ask a silly question like that?

Funeral. It came as a shock. Funeral. We had to prepare for it.

The Winding River Cemetery graciously offered a spot for Mother to be put down to rest. We had been driving our stagecoach around the country part of New York, looking for a proper cemetery for Mother. Yet, it seemed as if every cemetery was full. Except for Winding River.

The Winding River passed through the cemetery just on the southeast side of it. The cemetery itself was a perfect square, congruent on each side. Graves and tombstones littered the area, and we knew that this is where Mother would have wanted to be layed to rest.

The date. What day would we do it? We sat down with the morgue owner and we settled with a Sunday morning, January 4, 1857.

Snow fell lightly on that cold, January morning. I wiped a frozen tear off of my face and continued to stare at the lowering casket. I felt Father put his hand around my shoulder, and I leaned into him, hugging him. Mother’s body slowly went deeper, and deeper into the earth. There was something about saying good-bye that just didn’t make sense. How could they say good-bye to Mother, when she had been there all of those years, feeding her two sons and husband. Where was she now? Was she in Heaven, where everyone claimed she was?

As she went lower and lower, I whispered to Father, “Father, is Mother in Heaven?”

He didn’t answer for a long time. At last, when the casket was on the ground, six feet below our feet, he answered, “Yes, Danny, she is.”

I used to love the sound of my feet crunching on the soft, newly fallen snow. But not today. Today I loathed every sound that my shoes made on the soft snow. The whiteness of it made me even angrier, and I kicked the snow, hoping that it would all go away. But it didn’t.

I looked behind me and saw Charles and Father talking about something. I didn’t care. There was nothing I cared about anymore. I kicked some more snow. I even grew angry at a cross that had a woman’s face on it, and I ran over to it, and kicked it as hard as I could. A chunk of it flew off, and landing a few inches away.

“Good,” I thought to myself. I was glad that I had broken it. It didn’t deserve to remain intact.

I looked around for another target, and saw another cross. I stomped over to it, sending snow flying through the air. I raised my foot to kick it, when I saw something.

Snow was on the cross of the T that the cross made, and I wiped it off. Had I been seeing things? It couldn’t have said what I thought it did.

I wiped the other arm of the cross off and brushed the letters that were engraved on the front of the cross:

DANNY CHASE

OCTOBER 3, 1840- JANUARY 5,1857

“What?” I asked myself. What did this mean? Was there another Danny Chase? But, there couldn’t be, because it said that this Danny Chase was born on October 3, 1840, and that was my birthday. What was going on?

There was one other thing that caught me by surprise. It was the death date. January 5, 1857. That was one day from today.

Was someone trying to pull a prank on me? I knew kids from the town that would do something like this, but would they really go this far?

“Father! Come, quick!” I yelled to my father, who was walking back to our stagecoach. Father turned his head and then he pointed to the horses and the carriage. I shook my head.

“Father! There is something I need to show you!” I yelled.

My father continued to walk away. I grunted and ran over to the stagecoach, and saw that the horses looked very dreary and tired, just like I was. I also noticed that I was out of breath.

“F-father! Please! There is something you need to see!” I cried again, but he shook his head and stepped into the carriage. I looked back over to the grave that had my name on it. Snow covered it once again.

I sighed and stepped into the carriage, just behind Charles.


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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 10:09 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

'Lo Bear, noticed this had no crits so I thougth I'd help,

Quote:
The gloom hung in the wintry day, when the snow fell, and my mother died
.

This sentence looks rather awkwards. Is wintry even a word?

Quote:
Her had heart stopped beating, and Charles had to run into our neighbor’s house, screaming, “I need Hank, the doctor! I need Hank, the doctor!”


You're in past tense so had should be there. Also, his dialogue sounds...wrong somehow. It doesn't read right. If he's desperate it should be something like "I need Hank! I need Hank!" or replace Hank with doctor. The nieghbours must know that theres a doctor in the house and how many doctors can there be?

Quote:
he questioned Charles as he pushed him out of the freezing weather of December 22, 1856.


Woah, this looks too info dumpy, even for such a short passage.

This definitely has the potential to be a very good and moving peace. Although the grammer of your first half slightened it somewhat, I like the second half. Search up rhetorical devices in wiki or something else; they're a great way to make an emotional piece extremely good. Hope this helps.

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PostPosted: Fri Oct 19, 2007 3:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ah, this is the first part of the other bit I read? Well, good! Very Happy

Quote:
“It’s my mum! Hurry! She is in dire need of a doctor! Her pulse is gone, sir!”


Mum is too modern for the 1850s. Make it mother.

You repeat the date too much. Showing it on Danny's grave is a good way, so leave it at that.

Interesting and creepy story. Mae carnen! Very Happy

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PostPosted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:33 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow that's a cliffhanger. I want to find out what's next. It's a great chapter especially the last part where the boy found his name engraved in a stone. What I didn't like about this story is that it happened just 3 days before Christmas. Isn't that too much of a tragedy? But still it was good.
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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 11:02 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, 3B! Here on your request (and on curiosity of mine). Let's see what you have here...Twisted Evil

Quote:
The gloom hung in the wintry day, when the snow fell, and my mother died.


Rewrite this. It's kind of awkward, as it has been noted earlier than I. Gloom hung on the snowy day and my mother soon passed away. That little phrase "when the snow fell" makes it awkward. Wintry is a word, though, so you're okay. Though, a different word like "snowy" may work best. ^_^

Quote:
It wasn’t unusual for a plague to catch on that quick, and take someone’s life.


Delete comma. ^_^

Quote:
“No!” another voice cried in another room in the house, “you can’t leave me!”


The end of this is in need of punctuation fixing. ^_^ ...in the house. "You can't leave me!" You made the first part of the quote its own sentence. Therefore, this second part is a new sentence. ^_^

Quote:
Your mother must get to over to this house right away! Charles!


Quote:
...surprised father so much that he ran and hid under his blankets, back at home.


Father should be capitalized like you did so previously.

Quote:
looking for a proper cemetery for Mother. Yet, it seemed as if every cemetery was full. Except for Winding River.


Replace that period with a comma and delete the comma after it. Then replace the second period with a triple dot (...) or nothing at all. ^_^

Quote:
Mother’s body slowly went deeper, and deeper into the earth.


No comma. ^_^

Quote:
How could they say good-bye to Mother, when she had been there all of those years...


Delete comma. ^_^

Quote:
Was she in Heaven, where everyone claimed she was?


Delete comma. ^_^

Quote:
Snow was on the cross of the T that the cross made, and I wiped it off.


Delete comma. ^_^

Quote:
I yelled to my father, who was walking back to our stagecoach.


Delete comma. ^_^ (sick of this comment yet? Lol)

Quote:
Father turned his head and then he pointed to the horses and the carriage.


Woah, creepy. Shocked Written very well, besides some of the punctuation. Laughing One issue I had was that I didn't really know the MC's name. When you first mentioned his name on the cross, I didn't feel for him until later when I figured it out. I would have, like, his father say, "It's alright, Danny" or something. Maybe Charlie could say, "I'm gonna fetch Dr. Hank, Danny." There's different ways to subtly include the MC's name so the reader doesn't forget it or doesn't know it at all. It will make the ending more effective.

Very good. ^_^ Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Sun Jan 13, 2008 3:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
When Mother died, it was a tragic year for all of us. We had known that she was destined to die in the early weeks of January, but she departed this world in the middle of December, three days before Christmas time.
Quote:
The gloom hung in the wintry day, when the snow fell, and my mother died.
This part seems a bit akward to me.

It wasn’t unusual for a plague to catch on that quick, and take someone’s life. Mother just didn’t know she had it until it was too late. Her heart stopped beating, and Charles had to run into our neighbor’s house, screaming, “I need Hank, the doctor! I need Hank, the doctor!”

The door opened and my poor frightened brother scrambled in to find Mr. Hank Leverman, the neighborhood doctor.

“What is it, my dear child?” he questioned Charles as he pushed him out of the freezing weather of December 22, 1856.

“It’s my mum! Hurry! She is in dire need of a doctor! Her pulse is gone, sir!” Charles cried out into the warm house.

Mr. Hank Leverman’s face suddenly turned serious and pale. “Where is she?” he asked.

“No!” another voice cried in another room in the house, “you can’t leave me!”

“Yes, your right…” Mr. Leverman said quietly.

“Who is in there?” my brother asked.

“Mrs. Filburnging. She has lost her eyesight this morning…I can’t leave her, and yet I must. Your mother must get to over to this house right away! Charles! Young man, will you bring your mother over to my house?”

Charles nodded, out of breath. He knew that every second counted.

“Then go, young man, and return with haste!”

But it was already too late. When Charles came back, he saw that Father and I were crying into each other’s shoulders, not daring to look at what was just below us. Charles gasped as he saw his dead mother, lying on the floor. All of the blood from her usual cheery face was gone, and she was as pale as ice. This might just be me being nit-pickey but ice is clear not pale. You could describe it as "she looked as cold as ice". Mentioning ice usually makes us feel cold, and thus is usually associated with temprature, not color of the flesh. But that might just be the nit-picky part of me.

New York in 1856 was a terribly cold year from start to finish. Many people had caught the flu and died, suffering long hours of torturous medicine sliding down their throat, but nothing could stop the plague from finishing off whatever it started. Do you mean the beubonic plage or the flu? If the flu you should put "" around "plague" so we don't get it confused with the black plauge.

It was hard to accept the fact that Mother was gone. When Mr. Leverman asked about the funeral date,
Quote:
it surprised father so much that he ran and hid under his blankets, back at home.
uh....not so very adult dad-ish, it'd be more believe-able if he cried.

Funeral. What a terrible word, and yet, it had been the most popular word that year. There was always a funeral to go to. There was always someone who had died. But Mother? My Mother’s funeral? Why would someone ask a silly question like that? what question?

Quote:
Funeral. It came as a shock. Funeral. We had to prepare for it.
Saying "funeral" twice was repetitively annoying.

The Winding River Cemetery graciously offered a spot for Mother to be put down to rest. We had been driving our stagecoach around the country part of New York, looking for a proper cemetery for Mother. Yet, it seemed as if every cemetery was full. Except for Winding River.

The Winding River passed through the cemetery just on the southeast side of it. The cemetery itself was a perfect square, congruent on each side. Graves and tombstones littered the area, and we knew that this is where Mother would have wanted to be layed to rest.

The date. What day would we do it? We sat down with the morgue owner and we settled with a Sunday morning, January 4, 1857.

Snow fell lightly on that cold, January morning. I wiped a frozen tear off of my face and continued to stare at the lowering casket. I felt Father put his hand around my shoulder, and I leaned into him, hugging him. Mother’s body slowly went deeper, and deeper into the earth. There was something about saying good-bye that just didn’t make sense. How could they say good-bye to Mother, when she had been there all of those years, feeding her two sons and husband. Where was she now? Was she in Heaven, where everyone claimed she was?

As she went lower and lower, I whispered to Father, “Father, is Mother in Heaven?”

He didn’t answer for a long time. At last, when the casket was on the ground, six feet below our feet, he answered, “Yes, Danny, she is.”

I used to love the sound of my feet crunching on the soft, newly fallen snow. But not today. Today I loathed every sound that my shoes made on the soft snow.
Quote:
The whiteness of it Its whiteness made me even angrier, and I kicked
the snow, hoping that it would all go away. But it didn’t.

I looked behind me and saw Charles and Father talking about something. I didn’t care. There was nothing I cared about anymore. I kicked some more snow. I even grew angry at a cross that had a woman’s face on it, and I ran over to it, and kicked it as hard as I could. A chunk of it flew off, and landing a few inches away.

“Good,” I thought to myself. I was glad that I had broken it. It didn’t deserve to remain intact.

I looked around for another target, and saw another cross. I stomped over to it, sending snow flying through the air. I raised my foot to kick it, when I saw something.


I like the end with Danny getting angry and destructive, it really shows what happens when family members die, especially for boys. Slow mental break-downs are expected. So far bravo.

Quote:
DANNY CHASE

OCTOBER 3, 1840- JANUARY 5,1857


Quote:
“What?” I asked myself. What did this mean? Was there another Danny Chase? But, there couldn’t be, because it said that this Danny Chase was born on October 3, 1840, and that was my birthday. What was going on?
There was one other thing that caught me by surprise. It was the death date. January 5, 1857. That was one day from today.
Right there there was a major tone change that wouldn't fit the dates.

Was someone trying to pull a prank on me? I knew kids from the town that would do something like this, but would they really go this far?

“Father! Come, quick!” I yelled to my father, who was walking back to our stagecoach. Father turned his head and then he pointed to the horses and the carriage. I shook my head.

“Father! There is something I need to show you!” I yelled.

My father continued to walk away. I grunted and ran over to the stagecoach, and saw that the horses looked very dreary and tired, just like I was. I also noticed that I was out of breath.

“F-father! Please! There is something you need to see!” I cried again, but he shook his head and stepped into the carriage. I looked back over to the grave that had my name on it. Snow covered it once again.

I sighed and stepped into the carriage, just behind Charles.


Seems very morbid, not something I particularly would enjoy at a novel level and probably wouldn't get much further than this before I put it back on the shelf.

But ignoring that part it was pretty good. It was decently written, but the style and word choice didn't always seem to fit the mindset of a 19th centuary boy, and I don't completely see how the mother dying in the beginning fits into it aside from setting the theme of death, which is the conflict in the story isn't it?

Hope that helps, any questions just PM me.

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