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The story of the unnamed full
The story of the unnamed full

by spike71294 in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fantasy Fiction

This thread was created on December 31, 2007
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Raining Mirrors: Prologue
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 6:15 am    Post subject: Raining Mirrors: Prologue Reply with quote

Prologue

Turquoise waters shimmered beneath the sun, distorting the refraction of the coral reef below. To the right, a colony of buoys floated, bobbing up and down to the flow of the current. Spray flew off the ends of the surfboard as a wind surfer ripped through an opening.

Standing at the top of the cliff, a girl watched him as he left a trail of white wash and joined the rest of the island’s wind surfers in this summer past time. In her right hand, she was holding onto the cone of a sweet chocolate ice cream.

“Lunch’s ready in twenty minutes, Waverly.”

Waverly drew the ice cream closer to her lips and licked the sides, tasting the sweetness. In the corner of her eye, a flash of black had flown past her. As she raised her head, she saw the sleeve of a black trench coat, the collar held fast by a silver button, engraved in her guild’s insignia. A hand was holding onto the corner of a napkin by the fingers, the nails long and painted in black.

“Thanks Bell,” Waverly said quietly, wiping away the chocolate that rolled down the sides of the cone. Suddenly, she felt a slight rush of heat dancing on her back. The grass rekindled to a bright green as the sun emerged from behind the clouds.

“By the way, how many bottles of juice did you put into the fridge last night?”

“Around two dozen I think. The shop that was closest to the hotel only had the small ones.”

“That’s fine. If we run out, we’ll just go buy more,” said Bellamy, placing a hand over the breast pocket that contained her wallet.

She smiled back at her, her only way of thanking her when her hands were covered with ice cream. Bellamy winked back and mustered a smile. She was about to walk back down when a voice nearby disturbed the peace.

“Mum! Mum! The grill’s on fire!”

“This is why we never let him behind the barbie,” said Bellamy, reaching for her sunglasses and putting them on. Waverly gave a slight chuckle and pulled the brim of her sun-hat up.

“I thought we had already established that,” Waverly replied.

Waverly followed Bellamy back down the cliff, readying herself to help dismiss little Milo of his cooking duties. Since she was wearing sandals, dust on the pathway crept into her toenails and covered her feet, making them rough and dry. The earth path soon became lost, replaced by lush grass. Neither of them were too worried about Milo, for he was only assisting their parents in cooking the poultry.

They slowed their pace once the giant palm tree at the center of the roundabout came into view, marking the center of the BBQ area. Several clouds of smoke rose from behind the rocky walls, woven with the smell of grilled beef and spices. Behind the sizzling grills, families and teenagers had gathered, tongs flipping the patties over and the clatter of forks and knives meeting plates. Their spot was within one of the row of walls on the outer parts of the area.

Waverly walked up to her mother. “Hey mum, what just happened? We heard Milo calling for help from all the way at the cliff top.”

Her mother tapped the tongs on the grill twice and hung it along with the other utensils, withdrawing from her cooking duties.

“You girls haven’t missed much. Milo got over excited when I was adding more fuel to the fire,” her mother replied.

Bellamy approached the picnic table and ruffled the brown hair of the little upstart who responded with a grin on his face, the representation of his childish ignorance.

“The coal is meant to be on fire, Milo,” explained Bellamy as though she just became Milo’s newest pre-school teacher. “It’s how our food gets cooked.”

“But Bell! The fire was big! You should have seen it!”

Waverly exchanged a look with Bellamy which was then passed down to the ever merry Milo, prancing on the top of the picnic table.

“Want to play with me, Bella? I’m bored.”

“The name’s Bellamy,” she said with authority, reinforced by the pride of her achievements in her guild this year.

“Waverly,” her mother said, before addressing her in a motherly tone that immediately took her attention, “mind if you take over? I need to show the Flemings and the others to where we are. They might still think that we are at the hotel.”

“Ok, then.”

“I’ll help to set up the table,” offered Bellamy.

Discarding the apron and mittens onto the table, Mrs. Chrysalis inserted the keys in the slot at the back of the car and lifted the boot up. Cutlery, savory foods and cans of drinks, alcoholic, and non alcoholic in content were unloaded. When the boot was deserted of its goods, Waverly had various items pressed against her breast in one arm and her free hand clutching the handle of a picnic basket. Bellamy, who was bending over slightly due to the weight of the beer cans, carried a large chip packet by her teeth. Flowing down the back of her trench coat was the picnic blanket, worn over her shoulders like a cape that held no representation of her rank or status.

The keys jingled, clashing amongst the jumbled mess as Mrs. Chrysalis spun the ring around her fingers while walking to the door. She hopped into the red sports car and inserted the key into the ignition slot. The engine exploded to life as she twisted it in one swift motion.

“Good luck in taking care of Milo, you two," said Mrs. Chrysalis over the low rumbling of the engine.

“We’ll do our best, Mrs. Chrysalis,” said Bellamy. She raised her right hand in a salute.

“Bell, please. Just call me Christine. You don’t see me calling you Ms. Emeschajmer, aye?”

“I guess,” muttered Bellamy, embarrassed by how old she sounded with her formality.

“Buh-bye mum!” called Milo.

She put the car in reverse and let out the brakes, backing out of the parking lot.

“Bye, guys.”

“Bye, Mum,” said Waverly, waving back to her mother, smiling.

“See you,” said Bellamy.

Christine pressed on the accelerator and drove off, sounding the horn for another good-bye.

Chip packets, muffins and cakes were grouped onto the left side of the table, two liter bottles of soft drinks at the center and the eating utensils and plates on the right.

"Waverly! Aren't you going to help Bella set the table?" Milo yelled out at his sister as she was watching her mother on the road that tore between the ponds, leading for the entrance gates. The car entered a dense plantation of trees, concealing the mother from her daughter’s sight.

“Waverly.”

The uncertainty within her influenced Waverly to ignore her brother, who had been a part of her life and memories more than Bellamy was. Her mother’s errand could really be an excuse to have time away from her daughter. Uncertainty turned to jealousy as the image of her mother formed in her mind, handing morbles to the ice cream man, and buying the others some ice cream.

Don’t forget my ice cream, mum.

“Waverly! Help with the cooking.”

“Ow!”

Waverly’s ear drums felt as though they were about to burst, pierced by the outburst of Milo’s voice interrupting her thoughts for ice cream. She held her ears down as a way of suppressing the ringing in them, seconds after Milo had stopped, a huge grin on his face.

“W-What was that for?”

“Mummy told you to finish cooking. You better do it or I’ll tickle you again,” and he drew his fingers in and positioned his hands in front of Waverly’s exposed belly.

“Cheeky little thing,” she said and resumed where her mother had left off right after she drove her hands into the pair of mittens.

Bellamy had finished laying out the table as the last batch of meat was sizzling away on the grill. She looked at Waverly, equipped with only the tongs as she mechanically turned over a row of meat. Her hair was a silky blue, flowing over her back like a waterfall and smelt of sweet fragrances.

Taking advantage of the situation, and of Christine’s absence, she walked to her black handbag that was resting at the base of a giant palm tree, undoing the buckles and pulled out a blue box, allowing the coldness that emitted from within to sink into her hands.

When Bellamy had snuck in behind Waverly, a frosty chill wrapped around her, cooling down the sweat that was on her body and providing a winter like sanctuary.

“Don’t you seem bored, Waverly.”

“No, I’m fine, Bell. Just a bit tired.”

“Tired you may be. Bored. Definitely.”

Bellamy’s hands felt numb, and she shuffled the box from her left hand to the right, and back.

“In one of my hands, I have something. Pick the right one and it is yours. Pick the wrong one and- “

“Is it ice cream, Bell?” Waverly said with delight beaming in her smile.

“No. Something better than ice cream, I promise you. Anyways, if you miss, then it is mine.”

“Better than ice cream, you say?” Waverly picked up two patties with the tongs and dropped them off on a clean plate. She placed the tongs to the side and spun around.

“I’ll pick the right hand, then,” Waverly said coolly.

“Heh, you always pick the right.”

Bellamy swung her right arm to the front, presenting the box before Waverly.

“What is it?”

“Open it.”

“Are you sure, Bell?” Waverly asked in respect of Bellamy. She didn’t want her being upset or offended if the slightest bit of disappointment was shown on her face.

“Yes, Waverly. I mean, think about it, girl. It feels lonely opening a present by yourself and there’s no one to share your happiness with. You’ll like it, trust me.”

Putting the possibilities of getting a valueless present aside, she decided to trust Bellamy, and opened the box. Waverly’s heart pulsated faster with joy when she saw a pair of silver frames and blue lenses.

“Icisorian glasses.”

“Latest Icisorian technology. Almost everyone in Crystrafree is wearing them. Try them on.”

Crystrafree was the capital city of Icisoria, where magic and mirrortech were controlled to designate a technologically advanced settlement within the region's cold climate and occasional snow storms. This composition of magic and science was also responsible for the latest technologies that were in circulation in the market, such as the glasses in Waverly's hands.

She fingered for the handles, carefully drawing them apart and putting them on. She closed her eyes for a brief moment as the air around her had cooled down. As a magician of water, her experiences in handling aqueous solutions at below freezing temperatures had allowed her to become accustomed to the cold.

However, guilt spread through her arms as her view through the lens was a calm, crystal blue. The glasses were more efficient than she had hoped for.

“Bell. What made you want to buy this?”

She threw her arms around Bellamy, embracing her as tightly as she could.

“Waverly, you deserve it. You are an Academic Cup nominee after all. Not many work as hard as you do.”

Waverly buried her face into Bellamy’s coat. Being nominated and winning the Mage of Water cup for academic excellence in the intermediate level were two different things. Though her name was mentioned, it was the cup recipient that received the praise of a thousand clapping hands.

“I’m sorry,” Waverly said, still embracing to Bellamy. “I should’ve given you something and instead I –I haven’t. I should’ve.”

“Waverly. When I see a mirror, it shows only my appearance, my so called youth. How would you ever know exactly what I desire?”

“Bell…I,” but was silenced as Bellamy kissed her gently on the cheek.

A few minutes later, their spatulas were transferring the sausages to the plates. Bellamy grabbed the bucket that was beside the grill and went for the nearest tap. She turned the knob and a stream of water poured out from the opening, filling the bucket at a constant rate. She carried it back, after the time she had by herself. The fire was extinguished, and the grill sizzled as great billows of stream rose into the air.

Bellamy had found herself sitting next to Waverly at the lunch table. The Flemings sat on the other end, alongside Waverly’s parents. Discussions started off involving the girls as they were asked on how their life was, what universities they were going to when they graduate from their respective guilds, and what career paths that they were following. Waverly stopped as Mr Fleming’s reasons and morals in his profession had intertwined hers as to why she wanted to become a Magician of Water. He carried on the conversation and was later recognized by the girls as ‘Master Builder Fleming.’

“Not only do I design the houses, but I build them! With my hammer and saw! I am your leading man in Freyren!” he declared and thundered his fist on his chest.

“And what about you Mrs. Fleming?” the girls asked in unison.

“Cookies,” said Mrs Fleming, finishing the juice in her glass. “Full time accountant of time in the Threshold of Mirror continents.”

The talk lasted as they were dining, the chips as the entree and the savory and meat the main course. The Fleming’s two children, Aidan and Penelope retreated back to their base nearby, returning for seconds and thirds. Leftovers for the seagulls were what remained of their lunch.

The talk turned to politics in the northern hemisphere. Waverly was by herself, her chin resting on her arms. She closed her eyes and cried out the name of the island in her mind. When she reopened them, she was still there. Her reflection on the glass container pouted on the table, just like she was. It was the last day of her vacation, before returning to the confusion of what was right and wrong that took place in the concrete jungle where she lived.

“My reflection is eternal,” she reminded herself, fearing that she might never return to this place.

“Mum,” she cried out and shook her mother by the arm.

Christine had finished her sentence and her laughter died off as she saw her daughter's expression.

“Yes?”

“Mum, did you remember to buy me ice cream?”

“Oh! Sorry love. Forgot to tell you earlier. Here are the keys. Open the front left door and the cooler should be on the seat.”

She helped herself to the cooler, and was licking the ice cream as she walked down the path to the beach.

“Hey Bell, want one?” Waverly asked, waving it in front of her dark eyes.

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Last edited by Dream of the Fayth on Mon Mar 31, 2008 12:49 pm; edited 19 times in total
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 8:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
“Thanks Bell,” she said quietly, wiping away the chocolate that’s droolinged down the sides. Suddenly, she felt a slight rush of heat dancing on her back. The grass rekindled with a bright green as the sun emerged from behind the clouds.


Quote:
“That’s fine. If we run out, we’ll just go buy more,” said Bellamy coveringplacing a hand over her breast pocket that contained her wallet.


Quote:
She smiled back at her, her only way of thanking her when her hands were covered with ice cream. Bellamy winked back and mustered a smile, accepting Waverly's appreciation with minimal effort. She was about to walk back down when a voice nearby.


A voice nearby what!?

Quote:
Waverly followed her back down the cliff, readying herself to help Bell in dismissing little Milo of his cooking duties. Since she was wearing sandals, dust on the pathway crept into her toenails and covered her feet, making them feel rough and dry. The earth path soon became lost, replaced by the lush grass beneath their feet. Neither of them was too worried for the boys, for they were only assisting their parents in cooking the poultry.


Quote:
“You girls haven’t missed much. Milo got over excited when I was adding more fuel to the fire,” Waverly's mother had said.


Quote:
“But Bell! The fire was big as! You should have seen it!”


The kid sounds young, and if he is saying As is insinuating that he is saying ass which a young child would not.

Quote:
“The name’s Bellamy,” she said with authority, reinforced by the pride inof her achievements in her guild this year, which were acknowledged at the end of year prize giving.


Quote:
When Bellamy had sneakedsnuck behind Waverly, a frosty chill wrapped around Bellamy, cooling down the sweat that was on her body and provided a winter like sanctuary.


Quote:
A few minutes later, their spatulas were transferring the sausages to the plates, the last poultry item to be cooked.


Might want to be more specific as sausage tends to be associated with pork and poultry is chicken and other bird meats.

Neat, this is much better than the first prologue. It really gave a better sense of who Waverly is. Reading this has really made me understand the other parts of your story better as well. I think this is a great new start, it really helps in understanding.

Now, I noticed a bit of info dump near the beginning. Nothing really bad though, I would change it up a little just to really help grab the reader.

Everything I commented on above is more for clarity. The actual story is really good, it just needs clarification. Now you have to be aware of to much description and unneeded information. Like the section with Waverly's mom getting in the car and leaving. You got into serious description and as a reader I don't care about her mom. She is clearly not the main character and while I want to know what happens to her I don't care that much.

I'm just in shock at how much you improved it. Very well done. Keep it going!

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:04 am    Post subject: Review! Reply with quote

'lo Squallz,

Posting a extremely delayed review, sorry 'bout that! Anyways, on with it: You've go a great plot line and your characters are well versed. Waverly and Bellamy are very interesting..even their names are fun to say!

Also, the world you've created is very concrete and doesn't seem whimsy, like so many I've read.

A few things I found. Bravo on grammar squallz, you're good. Smile

Quote:


“Thanks Bell,” she said quietly, wiping away the chocolate that was drooling down the sides. Suddenly, she felt a slight rush of heat dancing on her back. The grass rekindled with a bright green. I had to read this twice before I could understand it. Maybe it's just me but, by instinct, I found myself asking.."with a bright green what?"..I guess it's just the word "with" which threw me off. Just a thought.as the sun emerged from behind the clouds.


Quote:


“Oh! Sorry love. Forgot to tell you earlier. Here are the keys. Open the front left door and the cooler should be on the seat.”


Other than that, you're good to go. I liked the ending, it was sweet! lol

Let me know when you add more and if you have any questions/comments , PM me!

cheers,
--starry.

[/quote]

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 2:17 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Yay! Very much improved.
Though you seem to have a mixture of formal and informal words in your writing. I'm not talking about the dialogue, that's normal, but such as the difference between formal and clear descriptions such as

Quote:
and inserted the key that would fit the ignition slot.

and less formal names such as chippie packet. I'm not sure if this worries you or not, I just noticed it.

Quote:
Waverly’s ear drums felt as though they were about to burst, pierced by the outburst of Milo’s voice interrupting her thoughts for ice cream. She held her ears down as a way of suppressing the ringing in them, seconds after Milo had stopped and had a huge grin on his face.

“W-What was that for?”

“Mummy told you to finish cooking. You better do it or I’ll tickle you again,” and he drew his fingers in and positioned his hands in front of Waverly’s exposed belly.
I don't understand this exactly. Was he yelling in her ear or tickling her? I thought the first until he said he would tickle her again. I don't know.


Quote:
Waverly’s heart pulsated faster with joy when she saw a pair of silver frames and blue lenses.
Pulsated? Why would your hand pulsate? 0.o


Quote:
However, guilt spread through her arms, as her view through the lens was a calm, crystal blue, without irritation by the sunlight.
It took me a second to realize what you meant. I thought why would a blue view make her feel guilty? I had to read on to understand where you were coming from. Maybe that's just me.

Quote:
The glasses may have more stylish than the gimmicky ones, but it was more efficient than she had hoped for.
Have more style? Have been more stylish? as it is, it doesn't make sense.

It was much improved, very readable- very well done. Good on you andy :p

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 1:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey, Andy. You asked me for a crit, so this is it. Hopefully you've got a couple of typos, otherwise it won't be very long. Wink

said Bellamy placing a hand over her breast pocket that contained her wallet.

Placing a comma after Bellamy would make it read smoother.

You also say her twice in the space of a few words there. M<aybe you could change the first 'her' to a 'the?'

and hanged it along with the other utensils.

Should that be 'hung?'

I need to show the Flemings and the others as to where we are.

The 'as' is kind of unnecessary there, and muddles the sentence.

The keys jingled, keys clashing amongst the jumbled mess

Could you take out the second 'keys?'

“We’ll do our best Mrs. Chrysalis,”

Comma after best.

Chip packets and savory were grouped onto the left side of the table,

I think you've got the wrong spelling with savory. Trouble is, I've forgotten the right one. Laughing It should be plural anyway.

“Waverly! Aren’t you going to help Bella in setting up the table?”

Milo is young-ish, isn't he? His words seem a bit formal. I'd recommend: "Waverly! Aren't you going to help Bella set the table?"

who had been a part of Waverly’s life and memories more than Bellamy did.

Did seems strange there, but I'm not sure what'd fit. Maybe had or was?

she walked to her black hang bag that was resting at the base of a giant palm tree,

Hang bag? xD Maybe it's right, actually. >.< Your world. Wink

When Bellamy had snuck behind Waverly, a frosty chill wrapped around Bellamy,

Blah. Bellamy twice? It seems like you need it, but you should be able to alter that sentence so it isn't.

“Don’t you seem bored Waverly.”

“No I’m fine Bell. Just a bit tired.”

“Is it ice cream Bell?” Waverly said with delight beaming in her eyes and in her smile.

All three of the above didn't have commas at the end of the word before the name. Watch out for that.

Putting the possibilities of getting a dud present aside,

Dud is one of those words which Chey mentioned that kind of takes away from the usual formality of your narration style.

guilt spread through her arms

...Her arms feel guilty?

He declared and thundered his fist on his chest.

I think that should still be a lower case 'h'. Confusing territory. Razz

The Fleming’s two children, Aidan and Penelope, as well as Milo raided

Reading that out loud (aside from waking my parents up), I don't think you need the comma after Penelope.

“And what about you Mrs. Fleming?” The girls asked in unison.

I think that might be another case where you need a lower case letter, 't.' It's confusing, but I'm pretty sure it's still part of the sentence. xD

Anyway, that's all I found. This was great, Andy. Your descriptions are a high point, as usual. Your dialogue was also really good, as it gave us a lot of character insight. It shows us a clearer picture of Waverly. Based on this, I would definitely read the test of it. Before I do, are you planning on re-writing the whole thing? because if you are, I'll wait till you finish the next part. Razz

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:15 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

To tell you the truth, I didn't finish reading this. I stopped half way through. It started out okay, the descriptions were good, dialogue was good, and characters were okay. I didn't really get a feel for the characters; they seemed a little flat to me.

But, the middle is what got me. It seemed a bit boring to me. Nothing was really happening.

What I did like was you descriptions and your style of writing. Your writing seems very mature, which is good.

Sorry for the short review, but I hope it helps!

Nariel

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PostPosted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 12:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Helloo Squallz, I'll start off with a line-by-line.

Quote:
“By the way, how many bottles of juice did you put into the fridge last night?”

“Around two dozen cans I think. The shop that was closest to the hotel only had the small ones. The fridge feels kinda lonely aye?”


Noticed a slight inconsistency here. She asks about bottles but is repleid with cans. Not to big a problem, but we strive for flawlessness.

Quote:
“Thanks Bell,” she said quietly, wiping away the chocolate that drooled down the sides.


Missing the sides of what they were drolling down. Drooling also seems to be the wrong word as it a reference to aliva specifically. Maybe something like rolling maybe?

Quote:
“Waverly,” addressing her daughter in a motherly tone that had drawn Waverly’s attention, “mind if you take over? I need to show the Flemings and the others to where we are. They might still think that we are at the hotel.”


This is missing words before 'addressing...'.

Quote:
"Waverly! Aren't you going to help Bella set the table?" Milo yelled out at her sister,


Gender problem lol.
Smile

Quote:
“No. Something better than ice cream, I promise you. Anyways, if you miss, then it is mines.”


Extra letter.

I found this prologue better than the first one. It gave us a better reason to care for what happened to Waverly while Pikara is investigating, because it gave us a snapshot of her life. It also added more depth to Bell and her relationship with Waverly.
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Charactersiation is also pretty good. We were delivered Waverly's character well though her mother and brother (though not as much) lost out slightly on characterisation. Descriptions were also at a good level, though there tended to be description where it wasn;t needed at times. e.g. the bit during Waverly's mum leaving.

However, there were moments where it got confusing such as the sudden arrival of the Flemmings without any warning earlier on. Just her mother saying that 'the Flemings will be here in X time will help clear this.

Sorry if I have repeated anything, I'm tryign not to be influenced by the other crits so I can do it like a first-time reader. I have to say that I'm impressed by your work so far. Keep up the good work.

P.S lol, I'm listening to simple and clean at the moment.

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 11, 2008 10:50 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Andy!
Man, I should have reviewed this long ago. I've been meaning to critique something of yours for ages, but everything in your portfolio already had, like, a gazillion good reviews, so I just read them. ^_~ But now, I think I noticed some things that others did not! *is triumphant*
Prepare for a killer critique! (J[ust] K[idding] - I'll try my best.)
Quote:
Turquoise waters shimmered beneath the sun, distorting the refraction of the coral reef below. The colony of buoys floated, bobbing up and down to the flow of the current. Spray flew off the ends of the surfboard as a wind surfer ripped through an opening.


I really like that as an opening paragraph; lovely imagery, and it caught my attention right away. However, I've underlined 'The' because I think it should be 'A' instead. 'The' makes it seem like you've already mentioned it...if that makes any sense. xD

Quote:

“Lunch’s ready in twenty minutes, Waverly.”


I know that it's Bellamy who's said that, but maybe you should describe her voice a little? It's probably just personal preference, but I always like to know how the characters' voices sound - it helps with the mental image.

Quote:

She drew the ice cream closer to her lips and licked the sides, tasting the sweetness.


I'm not sure I like the word choice 'sweetness'. It may just be me, but that sounds a little....awkward, maybe?

Quote:

The grass rekindled with a bright green as the sun emerged from behind the clouds.


I love that image, and it is very well-worded, but I think there should be 'was' before 'rekindled'.

Quote:

“By the way, how many bottles of juice did you put into the fridge last night?”

“Around two dozen I think. The shop that was closest to the hotel only had the small ones. The fridge feels kinda lonely aye?”


This part is a tad confusing for me - I don't know who is saying what.

Quote:

“That’s fine. If we run out, we’ll just go buy more,” said Bellamy, placing a hand over the breast pocket that contained her wallet.


I think you should tell us (or show us, lol) what kind of shirt she's wearing. You could say something like, '...placing a hand over the breast pocket of her blue linen shirt that contained her wallet' or something like that, because there isn't much description of the characters.

Quote:

She was about to walk back down when a voice nearby was heard.


In my opinion, 'was heard' sounds kind of awkward/stiff. Maybe you should change it to something else?

Quote:

“Mum! Mum! The grill’s on fire!”


I'd like to know what Milo's voice sounded like; it would add slightly to the characterization.

[quote]
The girls were quiet as the comprehension of what they had just heard had wafted amongst the summer heat and within the air that they were breathing.
[/quoted]

That last part, 'that they were breathing', seems a little unnecessary. Obviously they were breathing air.

Quote:

It became a signal to roll out, for Waverly had given off a slight chuckle and pulled the brim of her sunhat up.


The 'off' sounds really stiff; why not just say, '..had given a slight chuckle'? Also, 'sunhat' isn't a word...acoording to my spell-check, anyways. Laughing

Quote:

The earth path soon became lost, replaced by the lush grass beneath their feet.


You've already mentioned their feet in the previous sentence; it doesn't need to be repeated, and I think it would sound just fine as 'replaced by lush grass'.

Quote:

Neither of them was too worried for the boys, for they were only assisting their parents in cooking the poultry.


I don't like the repetition of 'for' - maybe say 'about the boys, for...' instead?

Quote:

Waverly and Bellamy slowed their pace once the giant palm tree at the centre of the round about came into view, marking the centre of the BBQ area.


'Centre' is a French word...unless they spell in that way where you live, I'm pretty sure it should be 'center'. Wink

Quote:

Her mother tapped the tongs on the grill twice, which was interpreted by Waverly that her mother was withdrawing from her cooking duties, and hung it along with the other utensils.



You lost me in that sentence; it's kind of confusing. Her tapping was interrupted that Waverly was withdrawing from her cooking duties? Huh...?

Quote:

Waverly exchanged a puzzled look at Bellamy, which was then passed down to the ever merry Milo, prancing on the top of the picnic table.


Firstly, why is she puzzled?
And secondly, I think 'with' would sound better than 'at',

Quote:

Discarding the apron and mittens onto the table, Mrs. Chrysalis inserted the car keys in the slot at the back of the car and lifted the boot up.


It's not a good idea to use the word 'car' twice in a sentence, so why don't you just say 'keys'? If you mention the car after, the reader would obviously know that they're car keys. You savvy?

Quote:

The boot slammed shut with a bang, shaking the car with the energy that was generated on impact, and was earthed, through the wheels and into the concrete.


I don't think it's necessary to describe the car starting up that much. We've all seen cars start before, so what's the point? Razz

Quote:

She hopped into the red sports car, one of the very few that were available for car rental on the island, and inserted the key that would fit the ignition slot.


Is it really necessary to mention that the keys would fit the ignition slot? I mean, obviously they would. It would only be good to mention it if they didn't fit. 'and inserted the key into the ignition slot' sounds just fine to me. ^_~

Quote:

“B-bye mum!”


I'm pretty sure that it's Milo who said that, but I think you should say something like, 'Milo called', to make it clearer.

Quote:

“Mummy told you to finish cooking. You better do it or I’ll tickle you again,” and he drew his fingers in and positioned his hands in front of Waverly’s exposed belly.


Once again; what is she wearing? All I know is that she has blue hair. Laughing

Quote:

When Bellamy had snuck behind Waverly, a frosty chill wrapped around her, cooling down the sweat that was on her body and provided a winter like sanctuary.


You mixed up your tenses a little there - it should be 'providing'.

Quote:

“Is it ice cream, Bell?” Waverly said with delight beaming in her eyes and in her smile.


That description is a little awkwardly phrased...

Quote:

“Icisorian glasses.”


I think you should replace the comma after 'glasses' with an exclamation point. I'm assuming that Waverly really likes Bell's gift, but unless she's examining them coolly or something, maybe she should seem more enthusiastic?

Quote:

However, guilt spread through her arms, as her view through the lens was a calm, crystal blue, without irritation by the sunlight. The glasses were more efficient than she had hoped for.


I don't think the comma after 'arm's is necessary. Razz

Quote:

The fire was extinguished, and the grill sizzled, as great billows of stream rose into the air.


The comma after 'sizzled' makes that sentence sounds kind of...off.

Quote:

“Not only do I design the houses, but I build them! With my hammer and saw! I am your leading man in Freyren!”

He declared and thundered his fist on his chest.


I don't think you needed a new paragraph, but I don't know much about MLA format spacing. :}

Quote:

When she reopened them, she was still here.


'Here' should be 'there', I think. Wink

Quote:

Christine had finished her sentence and her laughter died off.


I don't know why, but that sentence bothers me...0_o Maybe you should say, 'and her laughter died off as she saw her daughter's expression' or something.

Quote:

She helped herself to the cooler, and was licking the ice cream as she walked down the path to the beach. There, she ran up to the bench, fuelled by its sugar.


Since the beach is a new setting - Waverly hasn't been there before now - you should add a little description of it, no?
And also, there's only one L in 'fueled'. Wink

Quote:

They sat side by side, lips smeared with ice cream. In a brief moment, Waverly had lost her first kiss to Bell.


This is a good last sentence, but I'm a little confused by it...were they kissing as friends? Or are they homosexual?


Now to move on to larger comments...

CHARACTERIZATION:
Your characters are pretty fleshed out, but I would like more explanation of their link with the gaia.
However, the characterization as a whole was very good.

DESCRIPTION:
You do have some nice descriptions and imagery here, but some bits weren't exactly perfectly worded. I think I've pointed all the bits that bothered me in the nit-picks, though...

I've also noticed that your descriptions kind of dwindled off near the middle/third quarter of the story. I still read on due to interesting dialogue and all, but I'd like more imagery there.

In this, you use more adjectives than metaphors and similes, I think. While there's nothing strictly wrong with that, I would like to see more figurative language.

Furthermore, there isn't much description of the characters. All I know is the hair colour of two people: Waverly >> Blue, Milo >> Brown. You kind of neglect to describe the characters who are speaking or have a role in the story; for example, Mrs. Chrysalis and Mr. Fleming.

But the description that you did have was quite good. Touch it up a bit on the characters and it'll be great! Smile

DIALOGUE:
I did really enjoy the dialogue. It was very credible and realistic without being boring, and that;s always important in Fantasy fiction.

However, here's an example of something that kinda bugged me:

Quote:

"I thought we had already established that," agreeing with what Bell had said.


I'm not sure if this is actually a rule, but I think you should say 'Waverly replied, agreeing with what Bell had said', because usually there needs to be a subject when someone is speaking. *_*

PACING:
The pacing in this is also very well done. Even when there's an element of Fantasy, the pace stays the same - I don't know how you did it or how to explain it, but it creates a very good effect. Kudos on that!

GAIA:
The Fantasy in this reminds me of Garth Nix's 'The Abhorsen Trilogy: Sabriel, Lirael, Abhorsen'. I think it's because...well, I'm not sure how to say it. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that there is modern aspects (surfboarding, barbecues, ice cream etc) as well as magic and such.
And I like the Abhorsen trilogy, so for meat least, the gaia parts were good!

However, I think some parts could use some more explanation. Here's an example:

Quote:

"Latest Icisorian technology. Almost everyone in Crystafree is wearing them. Try them on."


Crystafree? What is that...?
I think you could squeeze in a tiny, subtle explanation of what that is - just a sentence or two. ^.^

Anyways. I really liked how you kept the mood/atmosphere during the fantasy parts. So maybe just add a teensy bit more explanation, and this aspect of the story will be perfect! Very Happy

FINAL COMMENTS:
Overall, this is very good. Great, actually. There is only a few things to be fixed - if this were the prologue for a book in a bookstore, I would so buy it. =}

Embarassed I didn't read all of the critiques you've gotten already, so please forgive me if I repeated anything. And forgive me if my comments are incoherent...feel free to PM me if you have any questions or anything. Razz

So yeah! Great job on this!

Hope this helped,
Camille

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 11:41 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, Andy! Smile I read as I go, so any questions that I may ask may be answered later on in the story, and that's okay. It's good that I come up with questions as a reader. Smile

Quote:
“Lunch’s ready in twenty minutes, Waverly.”

She drew the ice cream closer to her lips and licked the sides, tasting the sweetness. In the corner of her eye, a flash of black had flown past her. As she raised her head, she saw the sleeve of a black trench coat, the collar held fast by a silver button, engraved in her guild’s insignia. A hand was holding onto the corner of a napkin by the fingers, the nails long and painted in black.

“Thanks Bell,” she said quietly, wiping away the chocolate that rolled down the sides of the cone. Suddenly, she felt a slight rush of heat dancing on her back. The grass was rekindled with a bright green as the sun emerged from behind the clouds.

“By the way, how many bottles of juice did you put into the fridge last night?”

“Around two dozen I think. The shop that was closest to the hotel only had the small ones.”

“That’s fine. If we run out, we’ll just go buy more,” said Bellamy, placing a hand over the breast pocket that contained her wallet.


The first two paragraphs of the prologue were great, then I got to the quote at the top and lost it after that. Who said that? How old's the girl to be talking to someone else dressed in black? When I think girl with ice cream, I think of my seven-year-old sister with melted chocolate ice cream all over her face and shirt. However, I'm thinking that's not the case here.. unless she's an amazing little girl? Plus all the pronouns aren't helping much since they're both girls. Maybe a couple names here and there. We already know one's named Waverly and the other's Bell/Bellamy [after their appropriate quotes].

At first, I thought the girl's mother was calling her in to lunch, then Bellamy-lady walked up to her. So, right now, I'm a bit curious. I shall read onward and find the answers, I suppose. ^^

Quote:
The girls were quiet as the comprehension of what they had just heard had wafted amongst the summer heat and within the air.


This is just a nit-pick, but the underlined part is a bit awkward to me. Maybe because the heat is in the air? I honestly don't know what hit me here, but a lot of things hit me and could probably just be ignored as usual. Very Happy

Quote:
Waverly followed her back down the cliff, readying herself to help Bell in dismissing little Milo of his cooking duties.


I was confused with this pronoun as well because Waverly spoke last in the previous paragraph [or line], making Waverly the subject. Re-introducing Waverly into the next paragraph like this makes it sound like Waverly is following herself. In other words, that pronoun is best as Bell or Bellamy. *Can't help but think of Matt Bellamy*

Quote:
They slowed their pace once the giant palm tree at the center of the round about roundabout came into view, marking the center of the BBQ area.


One word in this case. Very Happy

Quote:
Behind the sizzling grills, families and teenagers had gathered; [comma instead] tongs flipping the patties over and the clatter of forks and knives meeting plates.


A semi should separate two complete sentences that are related. The second part here is not a sentence unto itself, so a semi shouldn't be there. Very Happy

Quote:
“You girls haven’t missed much. Milo got over excited when I was adding more fuel to the fire,” Waverly's mother said.


Laughing Nice characterization here. Smile

Quote:
Bellamy approached the picnic table and ruffled the brown hair of the little upstart whom who responded with a grin on his face, the representation of his childish ignorance.


Whom, I believe, is used when.. I dunno. Like this Laughing: I saw my mother, to whom I gave the chocolates. That's a cruddy example sentence, but it shows what I mean. It's used in the indirect case, I guess? *gives up*

Quote:
“The coal is meant to be on fire, Milo,” explained Bellamy as though she just became Milo’s newest pre-school teacher, [period instead]it’s It's how our food gets cooked.”


Milo's cute! ^^

Quote:
“Want to play with me, Bella? I’m bored.”


Quote:
“The name’s Bellamy,” she said with authority, reinforced by the pride of her achievements in her guild this year which were acknowledged at the end of year prize giving.


This tag seemed really long to me. Otherwise it's fine. Very Happy

Quote:
“Waverly,” before addressing her daughter in a motherly tone that had drawn Waverly’s attention, “mind if you take over?


The tag here confuses me. I think you forgot a Mum said, the actual tag. Wink

Quote:
“Ok, then.”


Quote:
Cutlery, savory foods and cans of drinks, alcoholic and non alcoholic in content were unloaded and transferred into the embrace of the girls’ arms.


This was a strange list. Shocked Cutlery, savory foods, cans of drinks, and both alcoholic and nonalcoholic beverages were unloaded... How 'bout that?

Quote:
Bellamy, whom who was bending over slightly due to the weight of the content, carried a large chip packet by her teeth.


Quote:
“Good luck in taking care of Milo, you two," said Mrs. Chrysalis over the low rumbling of the engine.


Quote:
She raised her right hand, held flat, to above her eye and dropped her arm to the side.


This is probably unimportant, but the gesture described here doesn't make sense. How do you hold your hand flat? Was her hand raised in a salute? Or was her hand flat against her brow? Confused

Quote:
You don’t see me calling you Ms. Emeschajmer, aye?”


Quote:
“B-bye mum!” called Milo.


Probably just preference, but this sounds like stuttering to me. I would spell it as buh-bye.

Quote:
“Bye, guys.”

“Bye, Mum,” said Waverly cheerily, waving back to her mother, smiling.


Quote:
Don’t forget my ice cream, mum.


This is a really deep line. I like it, and I think it should be italicized as a thought.

Quote:
“Cheeky little thing,” and resumed where her mother had left off right after she drove her hands into the pair of mittens.


A she said would be good here.

Quote:
Her hair was a silky blue, flowing over her back like a waterfall and smelt of sweet fragrances to Bellamy whenever they were together.


Blue hair seems a bit anime to me. In my mind, I just changed the color of her hair right away to a more natural color. In anime, blue hair would be cute, but in stories.. I prefer natural colors. They're more realistic, unless of course she dyed it?

Quote:
Taking advantage of the situation, and of Christine’s absence, she walked to her black hand bag handbag that was resting at the base of a giant palm tree, glancing back to check that they were still self-occupied.


Quote:
“No, I’m fine, Bell. Just a bit tired.”


Quote:
“Better than ice cream, you say?”


Quote:
“I’ll pick the right hand, then,” Waverly said coolly.


Quote:
“Are you sure, Bell?”


Quote:
“Yes, Waverly. I mean, think about it, girl.


Quote:
Putting the possibilities of getting a valueless present aside, she decided to trust Bellamy and opened the box.


Either:
Putting the possibilities of getting a valueless present aside, she decided to trust Bellamy, and opened the box.

Same sentence, except there's a comma there to separate the phrases. They're independent clauses (sentences that can stand alone) and a comma should separate them.

Or:

Putting the possibilities of getting a valueless present aside, she decided to trust Bellamy and open the box.

You have the one verb (decided) so no other word should be past tense. Hard to explain. Just choose your preference. Very Happy I would say the second one, but totally up to you! ^^

Quote:
You are an academic cup nominee after all.


Should that be capitalized? Is it a proper noun, deserving capitalization? Just checking...

Quote:
When I see a mirror, it shows only my appearance, my so-called youth


Quote:
She carried it back, after the time she had by herself to console the embarrassment of professing her emotions, in which Waverly had not taken the kiss in the way that she had anticipated.


This was a confusing run-on to me.

Quote:
Waverly stopped as Mr. Fleming’s reasons and morals in his profession had intertwined hers as to why she wanted to become a magician of water.


Maybe that should be capitalized too?

Quote:
He carried on the conversation and was later recognized by the girls as ‘Master Builder Fleming, [period instead]


Quote:
He he declared and thundered his fist on his chest.


It's a tag, and they're not that special. :p

Quote:
“And what about you, Mrs. Fleming?” The the girls asked in unison.


Quote:
“Cookies,” [insert tag here] finishing the juice in her glass, [period instead] “Full time accountant of time in the Threshold of Mirror continents.”


Quote:
The Fleming’s two children, Aidan and Penelope, as well as Milo raided the table and retreated back to their base nearby, returning for seconds and thirds.


Milo's not one of the two children. Razz

I loved the story. Your description is very good, original in spots. Lovely! Your characters were well-developed except at the beginning. I was a bit confused of the age, as I mentioned. I'm still unsure if they're in their twenties or if they're teenagers...

Watch your pronouns, especially in the beginning. We don't know your characters, nor do we know what you're thinking. You need to help the reader understand who's doing what, who's saying what, etc.

Watch your commas as well. Commas are use when addressing others. "Can I have ice cream, Mom?" rather than "Can I have ice cream Mom?" Mom's not ice cream! Laughing Use that comma. It'll clear things up.

I'm very sorry if I repeated anything. You can murder me sometime if you're mad about that. I'll learn my lesson. ^_^ It was very good, though. I like to read your stuff.

Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Sun Mar 30, 2008 7:03 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks for the grammatical nitpick Jab Jab Very Happy It was much appreciated. I've also taken the part where you are unsure as to whether