Topic ID: 23601
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PenguinAttack
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 Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 12:07 pm Post subject: My Box. |
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I made this box from parts of my heart,
And filled it with all the things I love about you.
Choosing to wrap the box,
With all the things you love about me,
I tied the ribbon tight.
It was so beautiful and large,
Though heavy with all the feeling inside.
So, I blew on the winds of your desire,
Lifting my box high, carrying it on your lust.
Down the street, and round the corner,
Your lust began to falter, no longer carrying my box high.
I pushed against the world,
Threading together all the dreams I held for you,
And slung my box into their net.
It was getting dark; my thoughts filling with shadow,
So I called upon your dreams of me, letting them light my way.
I was at the bridge when the light flickered, and I was lost.
I made this box, and I carried it for you,
I crushed it to my chest, and thought only of the things you do.
As I fell slowly down, I felt my box break, carrying away on the tide.
Just then I learnt my lesson, something deep inside;
Love won’t last forever; so all you can do is hold on until you die. |
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Last edited by PenguinAttack on Sun Jan 06, 2008 9:00 am; edited 2 times in total |
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EliteHusky
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| Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 2:51 pm Post subject: Great |
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Complex... yet really good. This is so hard for me to review because I absolutely love the poem (if it's not a poem I'm terribly sorry, I've made that mistake, once before!") but the message,
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| Love won’t last forever; so all you can do is hold on until you die. |
is just great. Honestly this is one of the best work I've seen on this site so far. It didn't rhyme but it was just as good as a poem that did and dare I say possibly even better.
Happy Holidays,
-Elitehusky |
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 3:24 pm Post subject: |
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| wow, i don't usually like poetry (it seems like a poem, even if it doesnt rhyme. is it??) much, but this is really good work. nothing needs editing. i pretty much agree with everything the other person said (great message, like the last line) |
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Fan
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 12:27 am Post subject: |
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Due to recent events, I found this poem even more touching. Though not flawless, I'd say the structure is good enough for my poorly poetic brain to not pick up anything wrong.
The message of it however, is beautiful.
Love won’t last forever; so all you can do is hold on until you die.
~Fan~ |
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Acoustic Sensitivity
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 3:12 am Post subject: |
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| Straight from the heart, mate... |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 9:33 am Post subject: |
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Beautiful, my love. Just like that box, this poem is full of emotion, and I can feel it so completely! (And not just because of the obvious...)
I love the parallels, and how the speaker reaches for the other emotions. Yet those falter quickly... A sad truth, my friend. We can only depend on ourselves, really. And love is such an unstable thing.
This poem is a bit more like prose-poetry, but still effective, I think. I wish I could give a better critique, but honestly, I loved it. |
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Kit
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 9:33 am Post subject: |
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Filth! Rot! I completely disagree and disembowel everything my predescessors said of this vile rancour you have the audacity to label "Narrative Poetry". I could smear my feet with fine caribbean oils and tango on a swabbie's hammock and write better poetry with my toenail clippings.
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I made this box from parts of my heart,
And filled it with all the things I love about you.
Choosing to wrap the box with all the things you love about me,
I tied the ribbon of your heart around my box tight. |
Clicheity cliché cliché. It's so neat, and sweet, and pretty, and heartfelt. It makes me want to throw up candy hearts all over your toes. And what's with that third line? You call that flow? Write a novel, darlin.
Okay, I'm lying, it's actually pretty lovely and perfect. but I think the 'of your heart in your fourth line is superfluous, you're already sustaining you metaphor quite beautifully so you need not worry. As to the third line, you may even put another break make it a cinquain.
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It was so beautiful and large,
Though heavy with all the feeling inside.
So, I blew on the winds of your desire,
Lifting my box high, carrying it on your lust. |
Disgusting, nauseatingly.. good. DAMN IT! I was going so well.
This draws parallels to the glory box, which are quite heartbreaking.The breath, the box borne upon the lust, that's just, oh, it made me gasps, it made my ribs ache, it's glorious. I wasn't initially enamoured of your first line of this stanza but on second reading it has a fresh ingenue type of feel to it that works, and actually it's what made me click with the glory box thing.
The sense of space and weight here is wonderful. Made me think a little of Sarah Emily Miano's insight into love, but this is more solid, more palpable than her.
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Down the street, and round the corner,
Your lust began to falter, no longer carrying my box high.
I pushed against the world,
Threading together all the dreams I held for you, |
Dreamlike quality. It's a little like those old folk songs, like "The water is wide". Elegant.
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And slung my box into their net.
It was getting late; my thoughts filling with fear,
So I called upon your thoughts of me, letting them light my way.
I was at the bridge when the light faltered, and I was lost.
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The focus in this stanza is less clear immediately. Your mixing of the abstract and physical is risky and mostly you make it work, just here, I wasn't quite sure of the orientation.
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I made this box, and I carried it for you,
I crushed it to my chest, and thought only of the things you do.
As I fell slowly down, I felt my box break, carrying away on the tide.
Just then I learnt my lesson, something deep inside; |
**whimpers** So good.
But still like "the Water is Wide".
I lean'd my back up against some oak,
Thinking that he was a trusty tree.
But first he bended and then he broke,
And so did my false love to me.
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| Love won’t last forever; so all you can do is hold on until you die. |
O love is handsome and love is fine,
And love's a jewel when it is new;
But when it is old, it groweth cold,
And fades away like morning dew.
This is a very clever appropriation in fact.
Jeepers I can't give you a bad review if I try. YOU SUCK! |
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PenguinAttack
Dangerously cute.
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| Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 10:31 am Post subject: |
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Thank you all for your lovely comments, I'm very glad you like it. ^.^
This *is* a poem... Not all poems need to rhyme, of course. ^.^ Just so you know.
Course, I'm glad you like it, especially, Poprocket. ^.^
Kit! My gorgeous, helpful, Kit! Thank you for that wonderfully hilarious and helpful crit. I am endebted to you.
Thank you all, once again. I appreciate the commentation endlessly.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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BroadwayGirl
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| Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 3:17 am Post subject: |
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there are soooooo many words I could use to describe this poem....... complex, intriging and in a way romantic!!!
I hate that I can't give you any constructive critisism because, honestly, I wouldn't change a thing. This is one of the best posts I have seen so far(even though i'm a new member.)
Keep up the good work.(I know and I'm sorry that this isn't helpful for you)
-Broadway Girl |
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Derek
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 9:18 am Post subject: |
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Pengie i didn't know you did poetry
wow this is pretty cool
i love boxes
there so square and simple.....
ok sorry i give it
A
(^_^) |
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Ygaron
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 7:00 pm Post subject: |
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| I like it. The part about the net was a little confusing, though. |
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~Lashes~
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 10:52 pm Post subject: |
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very good. I liked it!
some part were confusing though... |
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bethanyoverload
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 3:39 am Post subject: |
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| *speackless* Aw.That was a very touching poem. I loved it. I have nothing against it. |
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mirandamaddness
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| Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 4:52 am Post subject: |
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*stares blankly at the page*  *blinks* *blinks* It's so ture and so metephorical (is that even a word?...eh?  ) I find nothing to crit. 
~Star |
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lost-my-mind
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| Posted: Mon Jan 07, 2008 4:34 am Post subject: |
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LOVE LOVE LOVE it! this was really well done and practically perfect and oh so touching. My dear penguie you did show all those people that poems definitely do not have to rhyme to be good. Very touching. I applaud you and this poem
*stands on chair and claps till hands fall off* |
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