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Wolf
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 Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 6:46 pm Post subject: Chapter 1 - Part 1 |
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This is what I have so far for my story. I desperately need help, and...yeah. I know it's short but I wanted to make sure that there's nothing majorly wrong with it before I continue.
CHAPTER 1 (Part 1)
Ageless rock, crashing waves. She has become a part of them.
It is true, she thought, and a smile tugged at her lips. She could feel the sun warming her shoulder blades and the smooth, cool pebbles shifting beneath her stomach as she inched closer to the water.
Behind her, the trees whispered secrets. The salty breeze carried them to her ears. She loved the forest, too - she awoke to the twitter of birdsong and fell asleep to the haunting melodies of the nearby wolf pack. She sighed contentedly and poured a handful of sand from palm to palm, letting her mind wander. It was so good to be away from the hustle and bustle of the city, and even better to escape the cramped hallways of her school.
Once she had moved up far enough to look into the water, she closed her eyes. The wind played with her hair and caressed her face with gentle fingers. The screech of gulls was soothing to her ears. She felt the endless rhythm of the sea all around her; in the gentle lapping of waves, in the soft kiss of the sun on her back.
But it was a little too hot; her dark blue t-shirt and jeans were beginning to stick to her skin with sweat. Resignedly, she decided to get up.
She slitted her eyes against the glare of sun on water, but suddenly they flew open in surprise. The face that stared back at her from the water was utterly alien; the only resemblance was the look of incredulous fear on their faces.
The girl was...beautiful. She couldn't think of any other way to say it. Dark raven tresses framed a high-boned face. Perfect coral lips were parted in surprise; eyes the colour of the sea stared disbelievingly back at her. Gone were her messy oak-coloured locks, gone were her raggedy, bitten fingernails; replaced by perfect crescent moons unclogged with dirt.
Ayra sprang away from the water with a cry, but there was no one else on the beach. Cautiously, she stared into the water again. The same beautiful girl stared back. Confusion clouded her mind. What happened to me?
She sat down on a rock and took deep breaths, trying to calm herself. But as she clasped her knees to her chest, she saw that her body had also changed. Her limbs were smooth and lean, unblemished by mosquito bites. Her hands were slim and elegant. It's okay, she told herself, and lay on her back on the sand. What was this? What was happening?
Once she had calmed down enough, she tried to untangle her thoughts. I wasn't like this a couple minutes ago, so I must have changed when I closed my eyes. Maybe if I close and open them again, I'll go back to normal. But even as she thought this, some part of her rebelled. In a tiny, selfish corner of her mind, she knew that she enjoyed this new beauty. What will I tell mom and dad? she wondered frantically, and as if on cue, her mother's voice drifted through the trees. "Ayra! It's time to eat lunch!"
"I'm not hungry," she shouted. "I had a lot of snacks earlier."
Fear passed through her like a hot wire as she heard twigs snap. Her mother was going to come onto the beach!
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I'm kind of stuck with the opening sentence. I know it's lame now, but I can't think of anything else that would work. Any suggestion would be greatly appreciated! |
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Last edited by Wolf on Mon Dec 31, 2007 5:46 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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Sam
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 8:13 am Post subject: |
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Hey, Ayra!
This was a really good piece--you have some pretty descriptions in here. You make it seem like it's easy to write description. There are a lot of people (I include myself in this) who would kill to be able to do that. ^_~
And of course, I definitely want the next chapter!
Let's proceed with a critique, shall we?
CHOOSE YOUR BEGINNINGS CAREFULLY:
The first sentence in any story is where you set the stage for what you're going to present to your reader. You want it to embody everything that your story is about- you want it to be memorable, witty...sounds extremely scary, right? But it's true--your first line says a lot to your reader about what you have to say.
A few first lines from the things on my shelf:
Here's a small fact- you are going to die. The Book Thief, Marcus Zusak
It was love at first sight. Catch-22, Joseph Heller
There once was a boy named Milo who didn't know what to do with himself- not just sometimes, but always. The Phantom Tollbooth, Norton Juster
It was pleasure to burn. Fahrenheit 451, Ray Bradbury
They each say something different, something unique about the book. There's no way you could go wrong with any of these.
You have a mysterious first line. Problem is, I can mock it in many ways, mainly because rocks are not ageless and I picture your character as a crustacean if she is melding with the rock. There should be no room for mockery in a first line--it's your time in the spotlight. Don't go on stage dressed as the Hamburgler when you could be in a ball gown.
THINGS TO THINK ABOUT: What tone do you want for your story? Who do you want to read it? Do you want something funny? Sad? Sweet?
When you know a thing or two about what you've set out to write, you'll know what you want your first line to be.
ORGANIZE:
One of the major lessons that I've learned from my recent, intense ripping-apart of my current project is that I'm quite scatterbrained. The narrative will describe a vacuum, then somehow connect that by metaphor to a dog, and then twenty chapters later I'll reference that same vacuum. It's really weird--makes me sound kind of hyperactive.
One way to make your writing a lot more clear and easy-to-read for your readers is to take a look at the way you organize your sentences. This might seem a little elementary school at first--isn't that what everyone learns first?--but it's something very few people teach well, and as a result, not many people can do well. By taking the time to pay attention to it, you're already a step ahead of the pack. ^_~
FIRST LAW OF ORGANIZATION: Look at your paragraphs. When you're starting out, you want to take a look at paragraphs. Do you have them? They don't have to be long, but there has to be some sort of break-up of text. Readers like it when things are broken up properly--it's easier to read. If you don't have paragraphs, or do but still have that nagging feeling that all is not well...
SECOND LAW OF ORGANIZATION: Group things. Remember in kindergarten when you would sort blocks by color and all of that jazz? You want to do the same thing in your writing. If you're talking about one thing, dedicate a paragraph to that one thing. An excerpt from the beginning of Alice in Wonderland:
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Alice was beginning to get very tired of sitting by her sister on the bank and of having nothing to do: once or twice she had peeped into the book her sister was reading, but it had no pictures or conversations in it, "and what is the use of a book," thought Alice "without pictures or conversations?"
So she was considering, in her own mind (as well as she could, for the hot day made her feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making a daisy-chain would be worth the trouble of getting up and picking the daisies, when suddenly a White Rabbit with pink eyes ran close by her.
There was nothing so very remarkable in that; nor did Alice think it so very much out the way to hear the Rabbit say to itself, "Oh dear! Oh dear! I shall be late!" (when she thought it over afterwards, it occurred to her that she ought to have wondered at this, but at the time it all seemed quite natural); but when the Rabbit actually took a watch out of its waistcoat-pocket, and looked at it, and then hurried...brimming with curiosity, she ran across the field after it, and was just in time to see it pop down a large rabbit-hole under the hedge. |
I picked out this intro because Carroll, though convoluted, has a good sense of where to start and stop. The paragraphs, though they discuss several things within them, fall into very definite categories. Here's a rough sketch of his flow of ideas- using fun computer keys!
Alice's boredom->Alice's Sister-->Alice's Sister's Book [break]
Further boredom--->Solution to boredom--->White Rabbit
White Rabbit--->Erratic White Rabbit behavior--->Chase [to combat boredom]--->Rabbit Hole
One could assume in the next paragraph, he will discuss Alice's fall down the rabbit hole. It follows logically, right?
Bet you were wondering what this has to do with your story. Never fear!
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It is true, she thought, and a smile tugged at her lips. She could feel the sun warming her shoulder blades and the smooth, cool pebbles shifting beneath her stomach as she inched closer to the water. Once she had moved up far enough to look into the water, she closed her eyes. The wind played with her hair and caressed her face with gentle fingers. The screech of gulls was soothing to her ears. She felt the endless rhythm of the sea all around her.
Behind her, the trees whispered secrets. The salty breeze carried them to her ears. She loved the forest, too - she awoke to the twitter of birdsong and fell asleep to the haunting melodies of the nearby wolf pack.
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You have this habit of putting your paragraphs "ABA". That is- one thing, two thing, one thing- an idea sandwich. A sandwich is bad--people merely chew through the bread to get to the good stuff, right? You want all of your ideas to shine, and not just the ones being "sandwiched". By putting ideas "AAB", you can avoid this confusion and your readers will thank you.
Carroll's paragraphing displays this "AAB" thing. The story simply wouldn't be as cool if he talked about Alice's book, then the rabbit, and then went back to her rambling about daisy chains. A lot of suspense would be lost. And in a story like yours, suspense is what you want.
__
Thanks for the read, Ayra! I rambled on about some really abstract things, so don't hesitate to PM me if I wasn't clear. I'd be happy to clarify for you. ^_^ Tell me when the next bit is up, okay? |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 5:34 pm Post subject: |
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Wow, thanks for the crit!
I really appreciate how you actually gave example from books and such for support. That was immensely helpful - I'll work on the ABA/AAB pattern thing (though I may need to PM you...heh).
I am confused about the paragraph thing. I mean, I'm going to separate them into paragraphs on YWS, but I never see spacing like that in published books. Oh well. I'm a long way from being published. >.<
So yeah, that was really great. Thank-you! 
- Camille |
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| Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 12:10 am Post subject: |
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Hello there Ayra! As usual, your description is beautiful but I think you need to slow it down a bit. Your character closes her eyes for a moment and then her whole appearance is changed which is fine except that the reader does not know how she looked before that. And why did she open her eyes? How did she know to look in the river, what gave her the impulse to do so? I think it might be quite interesting if she opened her eyes slowly and then just happened to catch a glimpse of herself and if you expanded this piece to include a brief, original description of the girl it would be quite nice to have the reader notice the change first.
Also, I think you might want to spend more time introducing the character and the novel in general before such a dramatic change occurs. Let the reader get to know your persona so they can judge the difference for themselves. Just a short introduction would help. Have her walk down to the beach or swim in the stream. Just something that might show a little more of her character.
Other than that though I thought it was an interesting start and I look forward to reading more. I couldn't see any grammatical mistakes and my main piece of advice is to just take the change and the reaction a little slower. Hope this helps a touch,
Heather xx |
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Azila
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| Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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I definitely agree with Heather; the sudden change isn't bad, but all I know about her before she changed is that she had mosquito bites! Play with it. With your talent I'm sure you can work something out. 
| Ayra wrote: |
| I am confused about the paragraph thing. I mean, I'm going to separate them into paragraphs on YWS, but I never see spacing like that in published books. |
That, my dear, is because in published works there are indentations between paragraphs... unfortunately, on YWS you can't do that (unless you do the 'pre' thing, but that puts it in a weird font that's really hard on the eyes) so you have to just space your work out.
Onto the crit:
| Ayra wrote: |
| "Ageless rock, crashing waves. She has become a part of them." |
Like Sam said, the opening line needs to be magnificent. This might be okay for the beginning of another chapter, but not the first chapter. I don't even really understand where the quote is from... I think you'd be better off starting with a description of Ayra before she changed. ^_~
| Ayra wrote: |
| The wind played with her hair and caressed her face with gentle fingers. |
LOVE that sentence.
| Ayra wrote: |
| The screech of gulls was soothing to her ears. She felt the endless rhythm of the sea all around her. |
This feels a little... abrupt. You should go into more detail, methinks.
| Ayra wrote: |
| Her eyes opened suddenly, livid with shock. The face that stared back at her from the water was utterly alien; the only resemblance was the look of incredulous fear on their faces. |
Like Kitty said, why does she open her eyes? I think that's a major glitch that needs to be combed out.
| Ayra wrote: |
| Inky black hair so dark it looked almost liquid framed a high-boned face. |
Firstly, I'm not sure I'm as crazy about this description of the hair as I am about some of your other descriptions... 'so dark it looked almost liquid'... what does darkness have to do with liquidity? I understand that you're trying to be poetic, but maybe something like 'gleaming so much it looked almost liquid'
Secondly, the structure. It's a little awkward how you have such a long description of the hair, then cut straight to 'framed a high-boned face' Maybe try this kind of thing (in structure, not necessarily words): Inky black hair framed a high-boned face. Hair so dark, it looked almost liquid.' Ya?
Thirdly, the whole concept of seeing her reflection in the water is a bit odd... the sea is usually too turbulent to see a reflection, isn't it?
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| It's okay, she told herself, and lay on her back on the sand. |
A little nitpicky, but the italics should end after 'it's okay'
| Ayra wrote: |
| Once she had calmed down enough, she tried to untangle her thoughts. |
I don't really like the 'enough'... maybe try something like 'Once she had calmed herself down a little..." or something.
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That's it for the nitpicks... I'll try to get to chapter two later today if not tomorrow. Please PM me when you post more!
~Azila~ |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Mon Dec 31, 2007 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks Azila!
*le glomps* I've decided that I am going to use this as the beginning of my story, so now....on to the editing! *sinister playing of the piano*
So yeah, hopefully I'll have made all the changes soon, and my thanks to all who've reviewed! 
- Camille |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:09 am Post subject: |
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| i dont do editing for people.....so on with my thoughts. i liked the description, but what would be really cool would be if you could kind of smooth it out so it is not all in one paragraph, you know to kind of leave a longer lasting impression in peoples minds. ive been reading alot of your work to pass the time, and i have to say this is one of your better pieces. i noticed a bunch of your work involves starting out on a beach, do you like the ocean? sorry if its personal, just curious about where the inspiration comes from. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 8:32 am Post subject: |
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Once again i am late to the critquing
perfect it's really good i enjoyied it thou it be short
i didn't expect any less form a speaker of the forums! |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 6:11 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, both of you.
R.J. Hoffman: Thanks for the tip, I'll break it up a little. And yes, I love the ocean. ^_^
Derek_Fantasy: Thank-you! :} But being a Speaker of the Forum is what I got for posting in the non-literary forums. The stars are for reviewing and such. ^_^
Both of you can expect a review from me soon!
Cheers,
Camille |
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 2:54 am Post subject: |
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Hey Ayra,
This is a good start.
The first paragraph doesn't really express enough about Ayra for the reader to get a picture about what is happening. I get that the sea transformed her into something else, but I don't know much about Ayra herself.
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| Maybe if I close and open them again, I'll go back to normal. But even as she thought this, some part of her rebelled. In a tiny, selfish corner of her mind, she knew that she enjoyed this new beauty. What will I tell mom and dad? |
this might be a small detail, but why is the mother Ayra's first thought? After all she's been transformed into an extremely beautiful creature, i doubt she's going to be wondering what her parents will think.
| Quote: |
| Ageless rock, crashing waves. She has become a part of them. |
this is good, but it would help if you elaborated on the transformation in the engimatic way you started with. |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Sat Jan 12, 2008 3:00 am Post subject: |
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Thank-you!
I have actually decided to start my novel differently; but all these critiques shall not be wasted. I might stick with this idea...and if I don't, I'll use it for something else.
Oh dear, I'm rambling. I'm actually going to stay with this beginning - I'll do some editing tonight, and post the revision once I get back from ski lessons (Sunday or Monday).
Thanks again!
- Camille (My real name isn't Ayra - that's just my screen name) |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:18 am Post subject: |
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Yay it up!
First off. I like your description. But what about more of her surroundings. I am finding it slightly hard to picture this.
So she has fallen asleep? I am confused....
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She could feel the sun warming her shoulder blades
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again
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the soft kiss of the sun on her back.
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You might want to consider getting rid of one of these. XD
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Her hands were slim and elegant.
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I love hands! So maybe you should add a little more to this... for me? lol. No elegant just doesn't seem to fit. But thats me.
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"Ayra! It's time to eat lunch!"
"I'm not hungry," she shouted. "I had a lot of snacks earlier."
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A second ago she was at school? You might want to clear this up a bit.
I think the ending was a bit rushed. It wasn't very Camillish 
Keep going!
I like the story so far. I will keep reviewing.
Love ya,
Genevieve |
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:29 am Post subject: |
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Your description is beautiful, there's no denying that, but unless your character is disabled, I'm sure she still has a sense of smell. Adding that factor will make this that much better.
And I also agree that you should slow this down a little. The thing about fantasy is that you have to convince your reader that this is absolutely real. That's hard to do. This doesn't seem real to me. I think slowing down a little will help. |
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Wolf
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 1:30 am Post subject: |
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Thank-you Ning!
I'll definitely take into consideration what you have said - except for the school thing. She's not at school...what made you think that?!
And I'll work on the ending too. |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 17, 2008 2:23 am Post subject: |
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| Really great description in there, I loved you sensory details and how you really went in and started talking about everything. Great job! Good luck on your next story starters! |
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