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Love me, Michelle (Please critique!)
Love me, Michelle (Please critique!)

by Boomshine in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Science-Fiction

This thread was created on January 2, 2008
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Mutts - Birth
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GryphonFledgling   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 3:38 pm    Post subject: Mutts - Birth Reply with quote

The dates at the top are the dates that I finished these pieces. I already have quite a few done. These are based off of a list of 100 one-word prompts found on LiveJournal.

11/17/07

029 - Birth

It had been anything but cute when it was born. A little wrinkled thing that wailed as it was expelled from its mother’s womb. Its gums were dark and its tongue was as pale as its skin. It looked just like its mother. They had done it.

She cried when they took her baby away from her. But the doctors ignored her as they studied the small, frail thing in their arms. It was alive. They had succeeded.

It lay for three days in an incubator, with dozens of wires protruding, like roots, from patches on its body. It never opened its eyes, though it was quick enough to cry when it was hungry. It was always hungry. They were glad to feed it. After all, it was their creation.

The scientists would have liked to keep it longer, but they had found the mother to be inconsolable without her child. When they gave it to her, she cooed and laughed as it ate; its little hands kneading at her breast. The scientists might have later regretted their decision to give her it, but by then it was too late. She would let no one near her child. They made note of that on their clipboards. They made note of everything.

They made note of the fact that it didn’t open its eyes for nearly a week. They made note of its thick hair and the fact that its teeth cut through its dark gums in less than a month. It weaned itself. It never crawled. It went straight from rolling over to wobbly galloping to its mother. They made note of that too.

The two were inseparable. It went everywhere she did; first clutched to her breast, then later with its tiny first clasped around her thumb as it toddled alongside her. To any normal observer, barring the thing’s dark gums, the picture would have been beautiful: the depiction of the connection between mother and child. But the scientists saw it and only made note.


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Last edited by GryphonFledgling on Wed May 28, 2008 9:46 pm; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 9:56 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ahoy! I haven't seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critic today. Very Happy

Quote:
It never opened its eyes, though it was quick enough to cry when it was hungry.


This might just be me, but I don't really like the presence of "enough" in this sentence.

Quote:
The scientists might have later regretted their decision to give her it,

That last bit here is a bit awkward. I'd suggest "decision to give it to her" or something to that extent.

Quote:
It went straight from rolling over to wobbly galloping to its mother

This is another slightly awkward bit. Get rid of "to its mother" and you should be okay.

Hmm... my biggest complaint with this is that the ending feels kind of tacked-on. It's well-written preceding the ending -- I especially like the mystery of the whole thing -- but the ending is kind of disappointing. It leaves a lot to be desired, and there's a boatload of unanswered questions attached to this. I think trying to find a better way to end this would be healthy, but it's your call.

Overall, I liked it! Nice and mysterious, well-written, commanded my attention. Well done. ^^

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PostPosted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 3:17 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
I haven't seen you around YWS before. My name is Saint and I shall be your critic today.


Yeah, I'm new. Nice to meet you and thanks for your critique...

Quote:
Hmm... my biggest complaint with this is that the ending feels kind of tacked-on. It's well-written preceding the ending -- I especially like the mystery of the whole thing -- but the ending is kind of disappointing. It leaves a lot to be desired, and there's a boatload of unanswered questions attached to this.


Thankies mucho for the note, but I'm going to leave it as is for now... These were written as short one-shot fics and the idea behind them is that each is partial and leaves much to be desired, but when they are all put together, even though they are all unrelated, the story will be complete as such that the reader understands the circumstances surrounding the Mutts...

Quote:
Overall, I liked it! Nice and mysterious, well-written, commanded my attention. Well done.


Awww, thanks. It's always nice to hear a compliment on your writing.
Very Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 5:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To start with the minor issues: in the second sentence of the last paragraph “first” should be “fist”.

In the third sentence of the first paragraph, I don’t think the sentence works so well. I can see that you’re trying to produce a comparison between the tongue and gums, but I think you could go about it a way that makes it more clear.

“Its gums were dark and its tongue was as pale as its skin”

I think if you used “while” instead of “and” and give the tongue a description, other than the basic colour, this could work a little better.

I’m not sure if I like your listing of what the scientists note or not. I think you do it well, but it definitely seems like a list instead of a description. That said, I think where you are lacking is in the description. You could make this entire scene longer and a bit more helpful with some basic description.

I do like the tone you take; it’s one of slightly apathetic, but caring attitude. Am I right in assuming it is Lidlum talking? That would make sense, although I believe he would have more of an affected tone than just a random scientist, or even narrator. You have some lines that make me think of caring for the little creature, but I think you need some more description to get the reader really caring for the fate of the thing.

It’s a good scene… Nice work.

*Hearts* Le Penguin.

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PostPosted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 6:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

well, it seems as though Saint and Penguin have taken care of edits for me, but i must say...i like the style that you're writing with, and your idea of seemingly unrelated short stuff becoming a real story. very cool idea. i love the mystery...

nothing bad to say about it! it's great!

keep writing! (and i'll keep reading)

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PostPosted: Wed Jan 23, 2008 6:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Quote:
When they gave it to her, she cooed and laughed as it ate; its little hands kneading at her breast.


Don’t use a semicolon where a comma will suffice.

I suggest combining the fourth and fifth paragraphs for more varied paragraph length. By keeping them separated, the repetition “they made note of…” you set up seems interrupted. Furthermore, combining the two paragraphs would help them stand out from the others, and this would be fitting, as they present an essential point.

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PostPosted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Poignant portrait of Madonna and Child, and I do like the intermingling of the experiment and the emotional. I liked the wire roots, and the relationship between the two is quite vivid. If you felt like it you could play around with the format of scientist's observations, I mean if it's coming out as a list, you could even make it bullet points, or play around with diagram and illustration. Nothing earth shatteringly wrong with it as it is, but you know, Aiden Chambers said the book must change or die. The seeing an making note, play with those verbs a bit too, observed, dictated, annotated, of course it is easy to get bogged down in overtly scientific terms but you can toss something in there now and then and not lose your audience if they make sense in context. Fine family fun, two and a half thumbs up.

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PostPosted: Fri Mar 07, 2008 7:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hello, hon. You know the drill.

Ta,
Cal.


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PostPosted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 1:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Again, interesting. But one thing that bothered me was that the child was called "it" several times, when it's clear that "it" is a child. ...Or is it?... Make more clear, please.

Other than that, great.

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PostPosted: Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I always love stories like this because I love mysteries.

keep writting!SmileSmileSmile!!!

from Zalex!
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