Topic ID: 24023
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Alice
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 Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:01 pm Post subject: Insomnia |
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Three in the mornin
I'm wide awake
with my thoughts of you all up in a spin
and for now I'm not all that upset about it...
But maybe by the time that I'm done
I'll have this all thought out again
and be back to where I started.
Chorus (tempo speeds up)
Cause I like spinning round and round
until my feet lift off the ground
so maybe by the time i fall
my heart will no longer be intact
but a broken pile of sugar glass
Four in the morning
I'm trying to sleep
I cant seem to get enough of it this week
probably because I can't
seem to stop thinking about you.
So I turn on the light and get out of my bed
And do all I can to get you out of my head.
I guess I'm back to where I started.
Chorus (tempo speeds up)
You know I like spinning round and round
until my feet lift off the ground
so maybe by the time i fall
my heart will no longer be intact
but a broken pile of sugar glass
Five in the morning
I'm almost asleep
These thoughts that I have of you
cause me to weep
I'm long gone from
where I started.
Chorus (tempo speeds up)
I'm still spinning round and round
until my feet lift off the ground
so maybe by the time i fall
my heart will no longer be intact
but a broken pile of sugar glass
Six in the morning
your names on my lips
I need to wake up
but can't help but resist
Not ready to face the day yet.
I think this is where it all started.
Chorus (slows down a lot)
For now I'm still spinning round and round
until my feet lift off the ground
so maybe by the time iI fall
my heart will no longer be intact
but a broken pile of sugar glass
(Echo fading out)
broken pile of sugar glass
pile of sugar glass |
_________________
I'm Alice.
For the record, I'm not a crack addict, I don't chase rabits wearing waistcoats down holes, and I can't see the future.
And if you don't get any of those you epic fail.
Last edited by Alice on Wed Jan 02, 2008 12:06 am; edited 2 times in total |
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kittykat
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:24 pm Post subject: good poem |
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don't usually say this but...i loved the poem, it was awesome.  |
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Alice
Disaster Zone
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288 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:25 pm Post subject: |
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| You mean song dear? Its a song not a poem, I'm horrible at poetry. |
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I'm Alice.
For the record, I'm not a crack addict, I don't chase rabits wearing waistcoats down holes, and I can't see the future.
And if you don't get any of those you epic fail. |
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Pawprint
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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This was really good. I liked how you did the verses by using the time in order. Sorry, I'm not good at explaining, but I hope you know what I mean.
I also liked the word choices you made.
I loved it! |
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Leja
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 9:37 pm Post subject: |
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I think that in the second verse, week and sleep make an awkward rhyme; maybe less so if there were fewer actual words in the line? Maybe "I can't seem to do that enough this week" or something?
I like the circular nature of it. Very middle-of-the-night stream of thought ^_^
The broken pile of sugar glass sounds pretty in context, and it's cool that it seems to allude to the other poem you wrote.
It's a nice, solid song. Double check capitalization of "I" in a few places though  I like how in the first verse, you mention thoughts spinning, and then in the chorus, you mention spinning as an action. It seems to connect. It might be cool if you could incorporate the idea of spinning and falling, etc. into the other verses as well. |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 3:33 am Post subject: |
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I have to say it, but I know you are a better member than that. Be sure your "I"s are capitalized, and that you have apostrophes in your contractions. Lazy writing is the sign of a lazy writer, and why should I give my time to a lazy writer? ^_~
It was OK, but like your last song I think you need more verse and less chorus. I don't have much else to say other than listen to Melja, haha. |
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Sir Mantis
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| Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 11:28 pm Post subject: |
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| This is one of those songs that when you read it you can actually hear the song playing in your head. I really liked the time progression, like Pawprint said. Just one question, what's up with the Sugar Glass? |
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PsychicNinja
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 10:45 pm Post subject: |
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Good job, Alice. I liked it.
I don't really get why you repeated 'sugar glass' again for this poem. It didn't seem to fit in, so I don't think you really need it.
I also think you should have set the time frame of the song to be more in the middle of the night, like starting at two in the morning.
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| I cant seem to get enough of it this week |
Hm, somehow, I don't really get this sentance. It sounds kinda awkward.
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You know I like spinning round and round
until my feet lift off the ground |
I'm not so sure about the "You know" part. It feels out of place. I think you should change that somehow. Or maybe I'm just not getting something.
Good job, though. I've liked both the songs by you that I've read so far.
~Timea |
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evanrith
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| Posted: Fri Feb 29, 2008 7:25 pm Post subject: |
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| i have trouble saying stuff so ask if you need help understanding this oki like this song as a whole and i could almost hear it which is about as big a compliment i can give someone but i dont get sugar glass |
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