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PenguinAttack
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 Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 2:00 pm Post subject: Such Is Poetry. |
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Elusive and solid, alive and yet without breath,
Timed against the thumping heart,
Such is the ephemeral touch of the poet.
Weaving a tale with limber fingers,
The Spinner’s hand, from destiny to fate,
Twisting patterns from garbled webs.
The Muse, steering through life’s lessons learnt,
Proposes a whisper against the lips of an angel,
Hearing only cried words through the bars of hell.
Unrequited rejection, slipping against the bone,
Lovers tongues amongst the barbs,
Twisted smiles crashing within vengeance designed.
Knowledge, found as broken glass lying in the window pane,
Sifting colours through the disjointed transparency,
Playing on the world’s insecurity.
Thus is the poem, whose words sing free,
Loved and lost, brilliant and cold;
Such is the world the poet holds. |
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Last edited by PenguinAttack on Sun Feb 03, 2008 12:54 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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starrynight89
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 6:45 am Post subject: Review :) |
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It was beautiful and constructed so well. Many times, I have seen poems start out with a theme but defer off track along the way and end up somewhere else. On the other hand, this poem was well written because each line was deeply connected to the theme and each line offered a different feeling...I hope that made sense, I tend to ramble at times... But the point I'm trying to make it, you described the poet's role in creating a poem in a new, magical way!
Grammatically, everything looks good, but I would like to comment on a few parts 
| Quote: |
Weaving a tale with limber fingers,
The Spinner’s hand flips from destiny to fate;
Pushing barriers far wider than any before. |
This isn't even a problem but the word flip conveys the meaning but I would've liked to see a stronger word here....because, it's a sudden transformation from something that is uncertain to an inescapable binding (destiny to fate)...so maybe a word which means 'sudden change'....Flip just seems weak...
| Quote: |
Thus is the poem, whose words sing free,
Loved and lost, brilliant and cold;
Such is the world the poet holds. |
Quick comment about the ending even though I have been quite redundant in my review, I just couldn't leave without praising it! Especially the last line which neatly ties the whole piece together.
There you go! I'm not very good with grammar but I didn't spot any mistakes....but, on the whole, I enjoyed it very much
Thanks for giving me something wonderful to review!
Cheers,
--starry |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 7:11 am Post subject: |
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Thanks so much Starry! You're a legend and a half for such a nice crit. I have altered the "flips" and I hope this works better, it's in keeping with the spinning idea as well, so thats a great help.
Thank you so much, again.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Nate
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 7:24 am Post subject: |
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Bravo Pengu! Bravo!
Alrighty then, some comments:
In a poem like this, avoid transitive verbs. They interrupt the flow of the piece, and then we start getting into debates about what the meaning of is is, and that is just no fun, is it? Here, you only used it twice, but it's appearance seems odd. Getting rid of it keeps the poem & flow intact.
"Such is the ephemeral touch of the poet, "
Why the comma? Why not an elegant period?
You also used semi-colons a lot here, but I'm not quite; sure they; were used; correctly. Semi-colons are appropriate when:
- You're using them instead of a period
- You're joining two clauses with a transition such as 'that is' or 'therefore'
Some examples:
"I like apple pie; Joey likes cherry pie." In that sentence, I could've easily used a period or a ', but.' Instead, I used a semi-colon.
"Caterpillars enjoy long walks on the beach; however, caterpillars are idiots."
You can also use a semi-colon in place of commas when you're using a lot of them:
"There are three reasons why bicycles have two wheels: one, to prevent the rider, a bi-pedal human, from falling off; two, to prevent the front tire from falling off; and, three, to enrich the pockets of the capitalistic, money grubbing, evil bicycle manufacturers of Acton, Ohio."
In that sentence above, using commas to separate the three reasons would be grammatically sound but mentally confusing. Using a semi-colon instead helps to keep everything in order.
In this poem, I would actually replace all the semi-colons with commas. Except, that is, for the last one.
The only other thing that struck me is that this is about a poet. I'm not sure if that is what is required for Kit's contest or not, but if it isn't, why not choose another subject? Maybe something like librarian page, digger of holes, or a tree climber? I only say this because it seems like everyone has something to say about the beauty of writing a poem, but nothing about the beauty of trying to dig a hole such that you can establish your own underground civilization (something I tried to do when I was 7... it was January in Connecticut which meant I couldn't dig deeper than a few inches because the ground was frozen).
Yet, I want to stress that all the above are trivialities. In fact, it's almost like dwelling on a freckle on the statue of David. Your poem is really, really superb, and I'm putting this in my bookmarks. There's a lot I want to do with YWS, and this poem may come handy in a header or teaser or something (of course, I shall seek your permission beforehand... read our copyright policy! It's da bomb!). |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sun Dec 30, 2007 8:30 am Post subject: |
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Eheh, Nate you make me giggle so much.
That said, thankyouthankyouthankyou.
That is one awesome crit. I'm not one for punctuation, obviously, so that helped a *lot* as I often just throw things in anywhere. hehe.
I have a query, though, as embarassing as this is - as I looked it up and everything - where are the transitive verbs? I got so very lost when I tried to find them... shows how good an English major I am aye. ^^
I can't quite believe you liked it so much as to bookmark it (I find so many issues with it) but I thank you so much for that too. ^^
An Ars Poetica is - apparently - a poem about the art of poetry, which was the contest challenge itself. But I think the idea of a child digging a hole to create his own civilisation sounds adorable... if the muse ever comes, I shall do something to honour it. ^^
Thank you once again;
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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Loose
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 10:27 am Post subject: |
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Dis iz da awesomezorz!
HAHA! Just joshing!
... sort of.
This was a good poem, but unfortunately I couldn't read it.
If I can't stand it, or if it has a continuous pattern that makes me want to sing (Like Tell Me by Linds, which I liked because it was repetative enough for even ME to catch on to), then it's a good poem.
How's that for a crit, Pingi?
XD |
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Ygaron
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: |
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I like it, Penguin! kepp up the good work  |
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PenguinAttack
Dangerously cute.
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318 Points
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| Posted: Thu Jan 10, 2008 6:38 am Post subject: |
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Hehe, thanks Sugar, Ygaron. I appreciate your taking the time to read this, and even more so the fact that you took the time to comment. Much thanks, once again.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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