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Dream Deep
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 Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 8:59 pm Post subject: The Glory of Grey |
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The Glory of Grey - A Set of Themed Tanka: 28 December, 2007
... (Took a lesson from Cal and tried my hand at not capitalizing, started twitching rather neurotically. Enjoy!)
. . .
wise little cat, calm,
dozing softly on his paws,
his content green eyes
all-knowing. he lies on white
sheets and watches the rain.
wonder what he thinks,
snuggled into linen hills
and eddies, hiding.
searching for some maneki
nekonic clouds for
luck. Astonished, as if he's
died, or has not seen
such grey in the sky before:
only on paws which
grasp at yellowed ferns, and mice
born beneath a cloudless dome.
feline eyes flick, wide,
from drop to drop, measuring
the impact with spooked
imagination. do you
believe that cats can dream or yearn?
yes. lightning does not
frighten him away, must not,
for he stays, burrowed
in the sheets: watching in awe,
as if God himself
is just beyond the weather. |
Last edited by Dream Deep on Fri Aug 08, 2008 3:03 am; edited 15 times in total |
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Leja
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 9:33 pm Post subject: |
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Between lines three and four, it seemed like phrases strung together rather than a unified thing. But that was the only place.
I think too many questions. I know there're only two, but. The first one seems superfluous; the poem would work well enough without it. So with only one question, I think the second one would seem nice.
The part about birds and butterflies broke too much with the grey mood and I think that it as well could be dropped.
In all, I want to say that there should be something more behind the words; something to glorify grey even further, but maybe it works, given the last stanza... something to think on, anyways. |
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Dream Deep
mein gulag orkestar
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 10:24 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the suggestions, Amelia!
I took some of your advice and edited it up a bit - any improvement? Still working on furthering the implied glory of grey; it's definitely worth a shot, but I'm rather at a loss on how to further pursue it. Thoughts? |
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Leja
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 10:49 pm Post subject: |
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I like the mellowing of the bright fields and butterflies ^_^ As to furthering the glory of grey, I almost want to say do more with the cat's actions in the first part; the maneki and nekonic clouds are nice (very ostranenie ljepotica) for that. In that stanza, maybe concentrate less on the linen, or relate the linen to the grey sky somehow? Or look to the third stanza, especially in the second line where it's talked about, the cat in relation to the grey.
In the fourth stanza, it says "do you/ believe that cats can dream or fear?" Though it's then answered, the answer seems obvious. Dream, I don't know, but fear, certainly. And for that, I don't know if it's valid to include in the statement? |
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Cade
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| Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 11:30 pm Post subject: |
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Oh, DD, this makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside...I love the feel, the style of it. The last two lines were a perfect ending. Good job making a good poem with a strict structure...not letting the structure get the best of you and all. 
On the topic of "furthering the glory of grey"--I don't think you need to hint at it more than you have. The title provides enough direction for that. I don't think you should include the word "grey" in the poem itself (middle stanza).
You might put more emphasis on the cat's thoughts or on the weather, as opposed to the cat's actions.
| Quote: |
wise little cat, calm,
dozing softly on his paws,
his content green eyes |
Too many adjectives. There are three words to describe the cat--cut it down to one. I don't think the "content" is necessary before "eyes". A cat's eyes are almost always content, and as he is dozing, I think it's a given. You might rephrase:
little cat,
dozing softly on his paws,
green eyes
or
little cat, calm,
dozing on his paws,
his green eyes
or some variation of those, it's really your choice. And, of course, I recognize that those revisions mess up the structure of this poem...I'm not familiar with it, but I see there is one. I don't really have a suggestion for how to fix that if you take out all the adjectives...erm...*runs away*
| Quote: |
wonder what he thinks,
snuggled into linen hills
and eddies, hiding.
searching for some maneki
nekonic clouds for
luck. |
I like the use of fragments. Rather than making the poem choppy, they give it a sort of leisurely tempo, a laid-back feel that's very appealing. (Same goes for the lack of capital letters...I like it!)
| Quote: |
feline eyes flick, wide,
from drop to drop, measuring
the impact with spooked
imagination. do you
believe that cats can dream or fear?
yes. |
The poem might be better off without the fourth stanza and the question. I don't think you really need to examine the cat's reaction to the falling rain, and the question seems irrelevant to the poem's meaning.
Lightning?
Happy!
-Colleen |
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Dream Deep
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| Posted: Sat Dec 29, 2007 5:07 pm Post subject: |
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Edited.
Merci beaucoup to the both of you! Edited in some things, took some out, killed one of the questions, scratched out the bit about fear, and hopefully ended up with a slightly more cohesive poem.
| Cade wrote: |
| You might put more emphasis on the cat's thoughts or on the weather, as opposed to the cat's actions. |
I believe I'm at something of an omniscient deficit with this piece, as I wrote it off of an observation and not from my imagination. Or, to make the point lucidly: I wrote it after watching my cat spend a morning in much the same state as the cat in the poem. He had fallen asleep on my bed while I was writing, and when I looked up again, he was awake and perfectly still, just watching the rain through the window. I thought the image would make a very nice tanka for all its simplicity, but it does leave me at something of a disadvantage; I end up wishing to appear as a separate and outside observer who's let guessing, rather than the cat himself, or one who telepathically knows the cat's mind. ^_^
| Cade wrote: |
| Quote: |
wise little cat, calm,
dozing softly on his paws,
his content green eyes |
Too many adjectives. There are three words to describe the cat--cut it down to one. I don't think the "content" is necessary before "eyes". A cat's eyes are almost always content, and as he is dozing, I think it's a given. You might rephrase:
little cat,
dozing softly on his paws,
green eyes
or
little cat, calm,
dozing on his paws,
his green eyes
or some variation of those, it's really your choice. And, of course, I recognize that those revisions mess up the structure of this poem...I'm not familiar with it, but I see there is one. I don't really have a suggestion for how to fix that if you take out all the adjectives...erm...*runs away* |
The standard structure of a tanka lies in the syllables, generally a 5-7-5 / 7-7 pattern. And while I think you make quite an excellent point with the adjectives, it's going to wreak havoc with my syllable count, haha.
Thanks, guys. You are both so helpful with poetry - I've got more than a little to learn from you. ^_^ |
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Prosithion
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| Posted: Thu Apr 10, 2008 6:00 pm Post subject: |
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First off, I noticed that in the middle of the poem, you split a sentence up between stanzas. I must say that this makes for hard reading.
Other then some rhythm issues, I liked it, and think that Porki would be honored.
I like the choice of vocabulary (i.e. maneki, nekonic, etc)
Gotta go now, so I'll crit more later.
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| Posted: Fri Apr 11, 2008 2:10 am Post subject: |
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Well, I'm not too sure about the split in the middle...I noticed it too much.
I know you said you weren't using capital letters, but I have to admit- it looked really wrong without them. A bit homeless...? Lol, I'm not sure how I can describe it but perhaps it was what you were going for. If so, congrats. 
There is no rhythm that I could see. And no rhyme to make up for it. Vice versa. I say this in nearly every post because it's true... You need a structure or it's just a bunch of words and phrases stuck together masquerading as a poem.
But I like the words.
They are simple and allow the reader to see and feel the atmosphere.
I think this could do with some work structure-wise, but other than that, I thought it was a very cute poem.
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Poor Imp
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 5:30 am Post subject: |
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Privyet DD. ^_^
Oy, and I missed something like this?
I've little to add as far as the critical goes--Colly and Amelia have touched those points I might have noted.
But in all honesty, it's lovely. You've touched on the infinite through the finite, and there's something tangibly calm in seeing grey (with Eternity beyond) through a little cat's domestic wonder. ^_^ 'Tis a poem one could read on a rainy day and feel warm; or on a sunny day and feel rain pattering on the windowsill.
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Dream Deep
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| Posted: Thu Apr 17, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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Pros: Thanks for the thoughts!
ink on fire: I suspect I shall have to do something about the split in the middle after all, haha. As for the lack of capital letters, I was attempting to manifest the simplicity of the scene... but if the result is that it looks somewhat homeless, I may need to rethink my strategy. I agree with you, structure-wise: but these are [connected] tanka, and the format of such leaves very little room for alteration of structure. I don't suppose you'd have any specific suggestions, on that note? As it is, I already cheated - the final stanza is one line too long. Don't tell anyone. ^_^
Imp: It's always a pleasure to receive feedback from you, positive or negative. Though I have to say that I'm infinitely relieved to find it, in this instance, positive. I wasn't sure that I quite liked it when I wrote it, and I'm not quite sure now. But I'm truly thrilled that you enjoy it! Thanks so much, Imp, for the comments and the impressions. [The glory of grey. Look what you've started; Chesterton's possessing my soul...] |
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