Topic ID: 23812
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1381 Reviews: 567 Country: Wherever my imagination takes me 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Dec 27, 2007 9:59 pm Post subject: We all fall down |
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I wrote this at night, and it's kind of a poem, but not the flow. I know I used lots of strange metaphors, but it was my intention to make it that way. Any ways - here it is:
We all Fall down
We would tilt, sway - and -
We would fall in slow motion, at first, and see the beautiful stars and the craggy stone in the few heartbeats that time had frozen. And then, as the wingbeats of glass angels rippled through the passageway of memory, the world would flash by in a lightning strike of colour.
Green trees - white snow - red blood.
Pebbles would clatter down the slope, showering us in grit, and the pines would blot out the sky...
The ridged ice would blister our bare arms with frost. The wind - screaming in fury - would whip our hair into our faces until all we would see is a wilderness of bronze and ash.
Rocks grating, chaffing; blood thick and iron-hot in our mouths; pain beyond feeling as we collide with the earth. And then - a blanket of snow silence would flutter down over ours ears - we would be still.
The stillness would be worse than the falling; just an empty void where the crucifix would crush our chest and send our breath into a spiral of oblivion. And yet we would not be dead.
Still, unmoving we would be, yet somewhere - as fragile as the fluttering of a new moth's wings - our hearts would beat.
We would watch as the ice sank beneath charcoal waves. We would stare up at the enigmatic trails of blood poured from us as we fell. And we would lie on our backs, with arms and hair in the water, and wait for energy to arise from the earth. |
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Last edited by Wolf on Mon Feb 04, 2008 12:27 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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canislupis
Hello! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 729 Reviews: 341
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Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 2:11 am Post subject: |
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Hmm, I am kind of mystified by this... What is supposed to be happening? I can see some very refreshing descriptions coming through, but it needs more clarity.... The other thing was that there are lots and lost of tense issues... You need to decide whether its in past or present tense, and then edit it.
PM me if you decide to revise this, because i think it looks very interesting.
Good luck! |
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Wolf
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Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 4:58 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks canis!
I am going to revise this...*shifty eyes* but not right now 'cuz I'm sneaking on the computer...I'm still grounded. >.< |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
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the morrow
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 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 24 Dec 2007 Posts: 53 Reviews: 36
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Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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I enjoyed the imagery, and there were a few sentences that resonated well:
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| We would fall in slow motion, at first, and see the beautiful stars and the craggy stone in the few heartbeats that time had frozen. |
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| the wingbeats of glass angels rippled through the passageway of memory |
The surreal, reminiscent mood were effectively conveyed.
I too am somewhat confused as to the meaning of this piece...though that doesn't necessarily mean that it's not there or not apparent to a keener eye, but double-check to make sure that it is indeed conveyed, and that a reader who has only the words of the piece can glint it from them.
I'm also confused by the visual structure of the piece. You may want to double-space between paragraphs for clarity, or indent the start of new ones, because I find it difficult to see where one ends and another begins. Also consider why you make new paragraphs where you do. Perhaps you can make the entire piece a single paragraph.
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| Green trees white snow red blood! |
While this juxtaposition of adjectives is creative, the exclamation point kills the line. This entire line could probably be deleted--the adjectives are weak and it interrupts the flow, and it doesn't seem to have a function other than to startle the reader.
Though perhaps intentional, it is confusing, in any piece of writing, to shift your tense sporadically like you do here. I suggest keeping the imperfect tense (when you use "would" as "used to"--anybody correct me if I'm wrong), past tense ("he walked"), or present tense ("he walks").
The following excerpts see the tense changing to present:
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| until all we see is a wilderness of bronze and ash. |
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| blanket of snow silence flutters down over ours ears |
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| just an empty void where the crucifix crushes our chest |
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| And yet we are not dead. |
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| Still, unmoving we may be, yet somewhere |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1381 Reviews: 567 Country: Wherever my imagination takes me 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:19 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks!
The piece is meant to be vague, but I'll definitely fix the tenses. *smacks head* How could I have made so many stupid mistakes?
| Quote: |
While this juxtaposition of adjectives is creative, the exclamation point kills the line. This entire line could probably be deleted--the adjectives are weak and it interrupts the flow, and it doesn't seem to have a function other than to startle the reader.
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I will remove the exclamation point, but I want to keep the line. But do you think it would be better if I used more interesting adjectives to describe the tress, the snow and the blood? Hhmmm....
Anyways, thanks for the crit! Now *evil laughter* I will go review something of yours! |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
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Dreami
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 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 22 Nov 2004 Posts: 207 Reviews: 83 Country: Getting my computer-based Tan in Wisconsin, but my mind's in Esrydil. ;-) 300 Points
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Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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There is some very interesting imagery here. I'd like it to have less vagueness, even though it is supposed to be like this.
I think if you use more interesting adjectives, that like of "Green Trees White Snow Red Blood!" will be better. Or perhaps expand that line into one for each picture?
Also, last sentance I believe should be 'lie', not 'life'? I think everyone else has covered most everything. |
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Wolf
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Posted: Fri Dec 28, 2007 5:29 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks!
Wow, my little 'ole piece is getting tons of review today!
And oh yeah...I probably should change it to 'lie'. Lol. |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
♥ Got YWS? The user formerly known as: Ayra Help much appreciated! |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1381 Reviews: 567 Country: Wherever my imagination takes me 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 10:45 pm Post subject: |
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Ok, I edited this a little.
I've fixed the tense issues, but I've decided to keep the 'green trees white snow red blood!' line the way it is because it reflects the 'lightning strike of colour'. Vous savvy?
Cheers,
Camille  |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
♥ Got YWS? The user formerly known as: Ayra Help much appreciated! |
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Azila
October... it's Vegetarian Awareness Month! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 23 Jul 2007 Posts: 967 Reviews: 501 Country: The Valley of the Wind 333 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:09 am Post subject: |
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Mmm... I'm not sure what to say. I guess it's good--no, probably great--for what it is, but what it is just... isn't my cup of tea. Did that make any sense?
I'll clarify: I understand that your goal was to write something that is vague (possibly meaningful) and beautifully written. Well, it is all those things (except, perhaps, the second... but that might just be me) and you did them well. I'm just not sure I liked what you were going for.
But that's me, not you. I think (as, apparently, does The Morrow) that you could use to define the message more. I mean, it seemed like more of an exercise for description than a work of art. But don't take that too harshly!
| Ayra wrote: |
| Green trees white snow red blood! |
I think what's wrong with this sentence is that there isn't punctuation. Maybe put in commas? Dashes? Something.
Also, you should fix the format...
Overall: if that's what you were going for, good job! But it's not my favorite of what you've written.
Hope my ramble helps a tad...
~Azila~ |
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R. J. Hoffman
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 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 126 Reviews: 59
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 4:30 am Post subject: |
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| Im not one of those people who go around editing for people. and i sometimes piss people off because i am so candid about what i think, no offense. okay overall imagery is good, but could be improved by explaining what is going on. Are they climbing a cliff on a shore? who is we? a bit of conclusion there about what is going on. |
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Wolf
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Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 5:53 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks for the review! =)
Its supposed to be vague, though. But I might explain a tiny bit.... |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
♥ Got YWS? The user formerly known as: Ayra Help much appreciated! |
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R. J. Hoffman
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 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 126 Reviews: 59
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
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| Ah i see. i think you should develope an adition to this. its a great leed. you could probly branch any number of differently themed stories off of this. very open ended |
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R. J. Hoffman
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 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 22 Dec 2007 Posts: 126 Reviews: 59
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Posted: Fri Jan 04, 2008 12:41 am Post subject: |
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| Ah i see. i think you should develope an adition to this. its a great leed. you could probly branch any number of differently themed stories off of this. very open ended |
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~nariel~
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 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 08 Dec 2007 Posts: 77 Reviews: 61 Country: In Your Mind 339 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 6:30 pm Post subject: |
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Hey Ayra,
This was really good, don't get me wrong, but like the other people who reviewed this, I'm a bit confused. I think I get it, but most people wouldn't really understand the meaning of this. I love your beginning, I think it's gorgeous. But the rest kind of lost me. This would be great if you incorperated this into some kind of story.
Right now, there aren't any characters that I care for, there isn't really a clear plot that I could see, and it just seems like a random kind of thing.
I know you said that you were trying to be vague, but, you should explain a leeetle bit more. People like me don't like to be left hanging!
Otherwise, it's a good start and it got me thinking.
Nariel |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1381 Reviews: 567 Country: Wherever my imagination takes me 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Jan 06, 2008 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks everyone!
Maybe I should get this moved to Other Fiction, though, because its flash fiction. But I am considering incorporating this into a large story...if that is the case, then I'll develop my characters more and all that. :}
Actually, I might add a teensy bit of characterization into this! 'Twill be fun. I'll see what I can do.
Any ways, thanks for the advice! The edit will be up shortly!
- Camille |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
♥ Got YWS? The user formerly known as: Ayra Help much appreciated! |
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