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alleycat13
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 Posted: Sun Dec 23, 2007 11:46 pm Post subject: Silence Hangs in the Air |
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I couldn't decide if this belonged in lyrical or narrative poetry, so I put it here. Happy Holidays everyone!
Silence Hangs in the Air
Still as a statue for just one moment,
heart racing beneath stoic face.
Posed on victory, ball in hand,
with eyes on the goal, she prepares.
The sea of people roars, cursing
her, getting in her head.
But all shouts have ceased the
moment before she shoots.
Collective quiet for just one moment
as hope, the win, the ball all hang
in the air, suspended in time.
Silence before the plunge. |
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Maki-Chan
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| Posted: Mon Dec 24, 2007 4:13 am Post subject: ^_^ |
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ohh I hope she makes it!
About the poem I thought the word use was great, and it was to my taste at a perfect size.
Nice one.  |
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GingerLizzy
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 9:10 am Post subject: |
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Okai, this is number one of your chosen contest reviews;
I liked this, it had a different rhythm to what I normally read and it stumped me a little, but when I finished it and thought about the whole thing, it really worked. I liked the idea of the poem, and I think the tension that you fused through the stanzas really affects the reader and makes them think how the girl might be feeling.
One thing I think could be improved was, in your second stanza, line one; "The sea of people roars, cursing". I think you could cut the "s" off the "roars". This is just for the whole flow and rhythm of it I suppose; I think it would make a big difference.
Well, hope I helped a little; I'm waffy sometimes.
GingerLove
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Teh Wozzinator
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| Posted: Tue Jan 22, 2008 6:39 pm Post subject: Re: Silence Hangs in the Air |
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edits in bold
| alleycat13 wrote: |
I couldn't decide if this belonged in lyrical or narrative poetry, so I put it here. Happy Holidays everyone!
Silence Hangs in the Air
Still as a statue for just one moment,
heart racing beneath stoic face. i liked this line, it sounded nice
Posed on victory, ball in hand, this was a good, rhythmical line
with eyes on the goal, she prepares.
The sea of people roars, cursing
her, getting in her head. i thought that these two lines kind of knocked off the rhythm, especially the "cursing her" here's a suggestion: "The sea of people roars, cursing, getting in her head". just knock of the her...and maybe change "cursing" into "booing" or something else...
But all shouts have ceased the i'd put a comma before "the" to help the rhythm
moment before she shoots.
Collective quiet for just one moment
as hope, the win, the ball all hang wow, loved this line
in the air, suspended in time. another great line
Silence before the plunge. three great lines right in a row...amazing |
i thought it was very good, you kept suspense for it and the feeling of the girl going well through the whole thing...i wonder...does she make it or not?
Woz |
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| Posted: Thu Jan 24, 2008 8:34 pm Post subject: |
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| really liked it, gave me a feeling of suspense, like i know somethings about to happen but i dont know what it is........... |
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