Topic ID: 2243
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bcain
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 Posted: Mon Apr 04, 2005 6:41 pm Post subject: Dying.... revised again... |
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Are you really going to care
How you died?
If you're already dead?
It doesn't make sense
To worry so much.
I did.
High school, boyfriends, PMS.
College, marriage, finances.
Cancer, arthritis.
Anything in whatever stage
Of life I daydreamed about.
I worried.
I used to think about dying.
What would it feel like?
When would it happen?
In my naive bubble,
I bet between cancer and old age.
Ironic...
I never thought to put a
Friday night joyride
On the ticket.
The ER doctor told my parents
I died instantly.
"No pain, "
he said.
Pain?
What is pain?
Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh.
Agony is flying
Through a windshield.
Agony is landing
On the asphalt,
Twenty feet away.
I lay for five seconds,
Time slowly spinning from my reality.
I could almost feel
As my memories
Dimmed like a candle
At the bottom of its wax.
A final breath of air,
The flame
Wavering into oblivion. |
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Chevy
science, again.
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| Posted: Thu Apr 14, 2005 2:48 pm Post subject: |
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Well, in my opinion, before the last three stanzas, you seem to repeat yourself over and over again with the same topic. It became sort of a nuisance. Anyhow, you did redeem yourself here:
"Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh.
Agony is flying
Through a windshield.
Agony is landing
On the asphalt,
Twenty feet away.
I lay for five seconds,
Time slowly spinning from my reality.
I could almost feel
As my memories
Dimmed like a candle
At the bottom of its wax.
A final breath of air,
The flame
Wavering into oblivion."
I didn't particulary care for the middle stanza but you took a cliche topic and reversed it to something else. Very good imagery. I'll give this poem four stars. |
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Liz
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| Posted: Sun Apr 24, 2005 10:52 am Post subject: |
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| Work on the beginning. I agree with Chevy - the final three stanzas are brilliant. I like the tone of the poem, especially in those three stanzas. The first two stanzas...I understand the deliberate cliched style, but try doing it another way. The whole poem deserves to be as original and witty as the final stanzas proved this piece to be. Great work. |
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Kylie J
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| Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 1:55 pm Post subject: |
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I basically agree with Liz and Chevy: the last half is really great, but the beginning isn't too strong. Here are my ideas:
To improve the first few stanzas, I think you should add more emotion. Right now, they're a list of ideas, and while they're connected, they don't tend to appeal to the reader or evoke any feeling. They stanza about agony, that evoked feeling. These lack that.
Also, I don't like the first stanza very much. I think the second question mark makes the first one redundant, though I can see why you opened your poem in that form. Maybe you can make the first one a comma?
Back to the listing thing, I don't like that very much either. It gets repetitive. You need to focus on two or three broad ideas of life and make those clear. For example, "High school, boyfriends, PMS" all fall under the one category of teen life, "college, marriage, finances" all fall under adulthood, "cancer, arthritis" are about old age. Well, those are your broad ideas right there, but finding a better way to inforce them would be more appealing.
I hope this crit helps. Nice job! |
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Mattie
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| Posted: Fri Apr 29, 2005 2:49 pm Post subject: |
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| I really liked this bcian. It was good and to the point. And I liked how you let the character (or you) veiw dying as and when or what will happen. Good job! |
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Jennafina
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| Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 9:16 pm Post subject: |
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This made me think about dying. Now Im all paranoid.. :p
My favorite part is this
In my naive bubble,
I bet between cancer and old age.
Ironic...
I never thought to put a
Friday night joyride
On the ticket.
I like the part about irony. We all think were invincible with out meaning too, I guess. |
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Fireweed
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| Posted: Mon Aug 22, 2005 8:50 pm Post subject: |
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it's well written and it flows really nicely, but I thought the actual subject was tad cliche. Theres just so many philosophical death poems out there, you know?I mean, everything you said in the poem is true, and im sure it was all heart felt and you didnt mean for it to sound cliche,but i just get a bit bored of those kind of poems.
But thats just me. It is a good poem, I still liked it. I dont mean to sound too harsh or anything. You Have a strong voice, I thought this part was especially powerful:
"Pain is a mere jab in one's flesh.
Agony is flying
through a windshield.
Agony is landing
on asphalt
Twenty feet away."
I can relate to that part because I have often wondered what pain really is. I also liked the stanza about irony and stuff Jennafina pointed out.
so ya. Overall, I liked this alot. Keep writing!!  |
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Writersdomain
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| Posted: Mon Sep 05, 2005 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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My thoughts basically echo those of aboce. Your last few stanzas were great; I really enjoyed, but your first stanza made me wince a little.
| Quote: |
Are you really going to care
How you died?
If you're already dead? |
This sounds more like the opening to an essay than the opening to a poem. It doesn't intrigue you. The idea is interesting, but there isn't enough description, enough intriguing wording to make this a good beginning. It's just too simply worded; just like a thesis statement in an essay, telling you exactly what to expect. For a poem, you want to suck people in and have them wondering what the poem is about, not knowing exactly what to expect.
| Quote: |
It doesn't make sense
To worry so much.
I did.
High school, boyfriends, PMS.
College, marriage, finances.
Cancer, arthritis.
Anything in whatever stage
Of life I daydreamed about.
I worried. |
First 2 lines are good, but the 'I did' part threw me off. Perhaps, 'I worried' or 'I made that mistake' would be more interesting, but 'I did' is pretty bland. I like your idea of listing worries, but after the first line, you really don't need anymore examples. They kind of lost their meaning on the second two lines. I liked your last 3 lines as well.
| Quote: |
The ER doctor told my parents
I died instantly.
"No pain, "
he said.
Pain?
What is pain? |
This is pretty interesting, but I think you should add a little more detail.
Overall, I could describe this poem as a good idea, but not that greatly expressed in the first few stanzas. You didn't use the description wording to make this powerful. This is a good start, but it could be better.
Please keep writing |
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Thy tears a shield of glass."
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