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Chimchar
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 Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:46 pm Post subject: The Fallen Angel. Chapters 1 and 2.(7773 words) |
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Please tell me what you think. I worked very hard on it. I know it's long but I don't expect yu to read it all.
Thank you very much for your critique. Please tell me how I can get better. |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 2:10 am Post subject: |
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Here's my edit of pages one to eight, there's a lot of stuff in there.
If you could read through it and apply some of what I've said to the rest of the writing, it's just a few basics that will help. If / when you repost this PM me and I'll edit the rest.
Thanks for posting this.
If there's anything you disagree with or are confused about, let me know. I hope this helps. |
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Chimchar
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| Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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Big rule that a lot of writers forget - Audience comes before Context. A newspaper is aimed at people who want the news, plain, honest, short. Your story however is aimed at readers of fiction novels and stories, who probably won't appreciate shortened words and phrases that real newspapers can get away with)
You wrote this in your review can you explain to me what you meant? |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 4:57 am Post subject: |
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Sorry, I did think that might not make sense, but it's hard to explain.
Audiance: Who you're writing to
Context: What you're writing
Where you've written something that is part of the newspaper: the context is in the style of a newspaper, but your audiance are story-readers, not newspaper-readers, so they probably wouldn't appreciate that style. Meeting what the audiance wants is more important than what is realistic.
Try making the article a bit more technical and sophisticated, like a newspaper, but remember that you can't get away with abbreviations or numbers (13 instead of thirteen) like an actual newspaper can, because of your audiance.
The way you write should always meet the wants/needs of who you're writing for, not the other way around.
I hope that is easier to understand. |
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Chimchar
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| Posted: Tue Dec 25, 2007 1:35 am Post subject: |
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You elaborate it quite well. But would it make a difference if some of the article was omitted?
Did you enjoy the story? What did you like about it? How are the characters and the plot? And the dialogue? What can I do to improve. |
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Meep
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 8:47 pm Post subject: |
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There. I edited the first chapter; I'll try to get around to the second one sometime soon.
Some things to keep in mind.
You said "suddenly" and "noticed" and "realized" and "with a _____ look" a lot, as well as a bunch of other unnecessary words and phrases. Try to remember to keep things like that down to a minimum.
I didn't dislike the story, but a lot of it was pretty cliché and the characters and dialogue seemed pretty unrealistic to me. (There are comments on that in the document itself.) |
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Chimchar
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| Posted: Tue Jan 01, 2008 11:57 pm Post subject: |
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| Hi. Thank you for your review. Can you do me a favor and paste it to my email address? I don't see your attachment and It would be easier to read on mobile if you paste the whole document.I can't find it. |
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Chimchar
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| Posted: Wed Jan 02, 2008 2:25 pm Post subject: |
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Welll thank you Meep. I read your comments. But I forgot to say that the file itself is pretty old.
Ther main character is supposed to be calm. That's just how she is and She likes doing things on her own.
If you would like Meep. Can we talk personally on AIM(Preferred) YIM and MSN? |
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Chimchar
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LoveableLittleSock
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 3:08 pm Post subject: Hola |
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I read and edited everything. I have to say, it was quite... alright. How long have you been writing? This supernatural thing tends so be the subject amateur writers pursue. Your is also terribly convenient - the drawer just happens to be open and the first drawer she sifts through HAPPENS to have that piece of newspaper in it (you know the one I'm talking about. with the coffee stains?) ?
A bit confusing at times to. Where did this cat come from? And why can she see with her eyes closed? The title of the chapter does foreshadow what happens, but you never tell us. Did she change into a werewolf? Does she have the powers of a werewolf? Really.
There are grammatical errors on every page. But then, every writer has those  So don't dwell.
All in all, I... didn't enjoy reading it. I see you tried to be suspenseful, but it didn't work.
Keep writing though. The story seemed to get a teensy better towards the end. You have a knack |
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LoveableLittleSock
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 3:10 pm Post subject: |
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I re-read my review. I just want to tell you that I don't want to be mean. You do have a talent for writing! I'm not the best either, just so you know  |
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CK Lynn
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| Posted: Mon Mar 03, 2008 9:02 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, I'm having trouble with my computer, so I can't put an attachment on these for some reason, so this will have to count as a full critique.
I liked your story overall, but the insomnia bit seems kind of overplayed, you see that in a lot of books.
Time was a big issue in this piece. You jumped from present to past to present again, which was really confusing. Decide between the two.
Another thing was your use of there, their and they're. a few times you messed them up.
Especially in the opening paragraph, there was tons of unnesecary description. We don't need to know how the light filters through the window, we don't care about that. Also you mentioned that she was barefoot like three times.
Last, please refrain from beginning every other sentance with I.
I hope I'm not sounding overly harsh or anything, just trying to point stuff out. |
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krazykoreandevil
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| Posted: Mon Mar 10, 2008 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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| don't want to sound like i'm being mean, cause i'm not the greatest writer as well, but the story was pretty boring in the begening. there was no real hook in the first paragraphs. however, you are good at describing, which is vital. but you need to use a better vocab, with stronger words. Imagery and foreshadowing would help your story alot. overall an OK story |
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gingerheartsyou
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| Posted: Fri Mar 14, 2008 4:15 am Post subject: |
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| This isn't all of it but it is the first five pages I think. There are a lot of corrections and suggestions. If you have any questions, just PM me about it. I'm sorry if critizism isn't what you were looking for but in any event, it's there and I hope you will find it helpful. |
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