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Lady Sydney
Baroque Princess
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 409
Reviews: 196
Country: No, I prefer Italian food. But thanks for asking!
300 Points
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 Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 7:06 pm Post subject: Lucky Number Seven |
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Lucky Number Seven
Act I: Scene I
[The lunch bell rings and students race out of their classrooms to get to the cafeteria downstairs. The steps are crowded and there is a group of girls are standing at the bottom of the steps, giggling. The room is filled with talking and laughter, making it very loud. All of the food lines are long the air reeks of burnt pizza.]
[Enter: NOEL, ALEX, and COURTNEY]
[NOEL and ALEX are both reading a lime green sheet of paper in NOEL’s hand as they follow COURTNEY to their usual round table. They take their seats and put down their backpacks and jackets. NOEL hands the paper to ALEX to finish reading. She and COURTNEY sit down beside each other and begin talking while ALEX finally sits down and continues to read.]
Noel: They’ve completely lost their minds if they think I’m actually going to spend my whole summer at some stupid music school. I mean… come on. Did you read that thing?
Courtney: No. What did it say?
Alex: (still reading) Do you enjoy playing in your high school orchestra? Are you interested in taking your string talent to the next level? Then, come participate in our Westbrook Music Program for Strings during the summer. We can provide the extra help and practice that you desire and the success that you aspire. (stop reading) How cheesy can you get?
Noel: Seriously. And look; here’s the crazy part: (take the paper from ALEX and continue reading where he left off) If you are interested in letting your dream take flight, then we recommend that you join us. The professional and well-known orchestral performers that you see and hear about today all began with us. Would you like to live like them? Just follow these requirements and you’ll be good to go! Thank you and we look forward to getting to work with you soon. –WMPS Committee
1. Participants must get a signed recommendation from their orchestra teacher and bring it in on the day of their audition.
2. Keep in mind that students with a GPA lower than a B will not be considered.
3. On the day of the audition, students will be required to perform a level six piece of music and an etude assigned by his or her orchestra teacher.
Thanks again,
-The WMPS Team
Courtney: My God. You would think that it was an audition to get into college! They don’t really expect for anyone to actually sign up for this, do you?
Noel: (skimming the sheet) They obviously do. There’s a contact number here at the bottom for people who are interested.
Alex: I’m gonna do it.
Noel: For what? You hate playing your bass here, so why would you want to play it over the summer?!
Alex: (shrugging) I don’t know. I never have anything to do over the break, so this’ll keep me busy.
Noel: Yeah, but that was before you met me and Court, though. (laughing) You know us; we can keep you very busy.
Alex: (rolling his eyes) Thanks for the offer, but I’d like to keep my sanity, if you don’t mind.
Noel: (playfully punching ALEX in the arm) Hey!
Courtney: I think that I want to try it too.
Noel: (playful behavior quickly vanishes) No. Way. What is wrong with you two? Am I the only one with any sense? It’s called summer vacation for a reason! That means no school related junk!
Courtney: But if you think about it, this could be really fun.
Alex: And it’ll look really good on our resumes when we go to apply for colleges.
Courtney: That too. You should do it with us, El.
Noel: (snort) Uh… no?
Alex: Why not?
Noel: Well, unlike the two of you, I actually have a life.
Courtney: Oh whatever. You’re gonna end up bored by yourself.
Noel: Why do you think that? I’ll have plenty of fun torturing my brother and finally getting to meet up with (sigh dreamily) Simon.
Alex: Who?
Courtney: Hmm? Oh yeah. (teasing) Your online lover.
Noel: Shut up, Courtney.
Alex: Am I missing something?
Courtney: El’s been chatting with guys online and now she’s meeting one of them.
Noel: Nuh uh! (giggling) I’ve only chatted with one!
Courtney: (roll eyes) Oh big whoop. Didn’t your parents teach you not to talk to or meet up with people you’ve talked to online?
Noel: Yeah.
Courtney: And? Your mom’ll beat the living daylights out of you, Noel!
Noel: (slyly) If she finds out.
Alex: Let me guess. You’ve already written your Will?
Noel: Ha ha ha. Very funny. No, I haven’t. I’m not worried about being killed or raped or anything. I’ve got everything planned out and I know what to do if something were to happen. Chill!
Courtney: (sighing) If you say so. Just be careful, okay?
Alex: Are we going to get something to eat or not? I’m starving.
Courtney: (dramatically) What are you more worried about, Alex? Noel’s life or your gut?
Alex: Hmm. That’s a hard one.
Courtney: (narrowing her eyes) You’re so full of it.
Noel: I’ll be fine, Court. Just a quick “hello” and some Starbucks and then I’ll leave, ok? Will that make you happy?
Courtney: Promise?
Noel: Yep yep yep. Now drop it and let’s go eat.
Alex: Finally!
Courtney: But, look at the lines; they’re still long and I want pizza.
Alex: You always eat pizza, Court. Can’t you eat something else today? The pizza line is always the longest and I didn’t eat breakfast this morning. (playfully pout at COURTNEY. NOEL quietly sneaks off to the Deli line)
Courtney: And whose fault is that?
Alex: Psh. Who else? My mom.
Courtney: Same old, same old. I guess your mom forgot to wash you too, then. (cover your nose) You reek, boy.
Alex: I had PF today!
Courtney: Psh. Personal fitness; Excuses, excuses, ex-
Alex: (looking around) Where did Noel go?
Courtney: (also looking around) That little- (sigh) Come on. (drag ALEX to the Deli line by his arm)
Alex: Ew! Subs? I don’t want this crap.
Courtney: If you’re hungry, you’ll be glad to eat it!
Alex: Yeah, but-
Courtney: Shush. (jump the line and stand beside NOEL with ALEX’s arm still in your hand; sarcastically) I love how you just left us back there, Noel!
Noel: (chuckling) What? You two were talking and I didn’t want to interrupt by telling you that I was gonna go ahead and get in line. That would be rude.
Courtney: You’re full of it, El, full… of… it!
Alex: (trying to tug your arm from COURTNEY’s grip) Uh… can I go over to Grill? The smell of healthy food makes me nauseous.
Courtney: (suck teeth) Whatever. (let ALEX go and he leaves the line) El, are you sure you don’t want come with us to that summer program? It really could be fun.
Noel: You don’t know that. That flyer didn’t say what we would be doing. As far as you know, it could be boot camp. (line moves forward)
Courtney: Well, true, but-
Noel: But nothing. I’m not touching that violin again until I absolutely have to.
Courtney: Noel-
Noel: You’re not going to convince me.
Courtney: Not even a little?
Noel: Nope. (line moves forward again)
Courtney: Stubborn ass.
Noel: (laughing) Aren’t I always?
Taylor: (from behind NOEL and COURTNEY; to yourself) Could this line move any slower?
Noel: (turning around; to TAYLOR) I know, right? I could’ve half way finished my novel by now.
Taylor: You write?
Noel: (laughing) Me? Ha! Not a chance. I couldn’t write to save my life. But my friend, Courtney here, does.
Taylor: (to COURTNEY) Oh cool. So do I. What do you write?
Courtney: Mysteries.
Taylor: Mmm. So you’re a little Nancy Drew, huh?
Courtney: (giggling) Yeah; a little “Courtney” Drew, actually. What about you?
Taylor: I’m Taylor: the horror and thriller freak. Ghosts, ghouls, and goblins are my thing.
Noel: Oooh. Can I be GI Noel? I love action movies.
Courtney: Oh… my… gosh. No, just… hush, Noel.
Noel: (playfully) Well, fine then. Just go ahead and blow me off like that.
Courtney: (laughing) Ok. (to TAYLOR) To tell you the truth, I can’t stand horror. (line moves forward again)
Noel: (whispering to TAYLOR) She gets scared easily.
Courtney: (lightly punch NOEL in the arm) I can hear you, stupid! (to TAYLOR) And no, I’m not. I just… don’t like them.
Taylor: Gotcha.
Noel: (your turn in line to order lunch; move up; happily) Yes! Finally! (order food)
Courtney: (to TAYLOR) You wannna sit with us? We’ve got one extra chair at our table.
Taylor: Uh, thanks, but I kinda have my own table. Sorry.
Courtney: It’s cool. I just thought that you might want to join us, but if you have your own friends, that’s perfectly ok. Catch you around?
Taylor: Sure.
Courtney: Awesome. (move up and order lunch)
Noel: (holding your tray) Nice meeting you and all, Taylor.
Taylor: Same to y’all. (move up and order)
Courtney: (holding your tray) Bye.
Noel: See ya.
Taylor: Bye.
[NOEL and COURTNEY leave the Deli line, where TAYLOR is still ordering his lunch. The camera follows NOEL and COURTNEY over to their table where ALEX is already seated. ]
Alex: (sitting at the table) What took y’all?
Noel: (sitting to ALEX’s left) Courtney was too busy flirting.
Courtney: (sitting to ALEX’s right) I was not! Our line was just really slow. (eat)
Alex: Ah. Well, you should have come over to the Grill line; it was a lot faster than usual.
Noel: We’ll keep that in mind.
Alex: So, last chance. Have you thought about that music thing, El?
Noel: (sighing) I wish you two would just get off of that.
Alex: What?! (eat)
Courtney: She’s hell bent on the decision that we can’t get her to change her mind.
Alex: Oh.
Noel: I just don’t see the point in it. You two can go, have fun, tell me all about it, etcetera. I’m staying here. (eat)
Alex: You’re like a friggin’ mule, you know that?
Courtney: That’s what I said.
Noel: No, I’m just a female being who is one to follow her dreams and ambitions of her heart, not-
Alex: Woah, woah woah, girl! This is lunchtime. None of that smart education shit allowed, got it?
Noel: (smirking) Sorry. (eat) Guys, I’m not doing it. End of story; drop it and let’s talk about something else.
Courtney: (drink) Fine.
[They continue talking for the remaining twenty minutes lunchtime. Over the intercom, the assistant principal calls NOEL up to the office and she leaves the cafeteria, confused. While she leaves, everyone else stares at her and whispers arise. The camera focuses on COURTNEY and ALEX, who also watch her leave the room. The camera slowly zooms out until their faces are small specks. Finally, the screen goes black.]
---
Ok, so now this has been revised. Tell me what you think of it, please!!
Much love,
~*Syd*~ |
_________________
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel.
Last edited by Lady Sydney on Wed Dec 19, 2007 10:47 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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smorgishborg
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 08 Oct 2007
Posts: 271
Reviews: 153
Country: Somewhere that's green
350 Points
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 9:24 pm Post subject: |
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My feelings here are mixed. This is partially the case because this is way to little to work on. If you really want a full critique with full understanding, then you need some sort of plot arc.
Dialogue: This is fine.
Plot(s): You promised drama, mystery and romance all in one, and I wasn't disappointed. Unfortunately, it's all very confined. You have material here for several stories, but you've done it a disservice by cramming it into so small a sample. The topic of conversation switches dramatically halfway through the conversation, and despite your best efforts, the transition is weak. And then, the previous topic is dropped entirely. I'm left entirely confused about the direction this is going to take.
Also, you've sped up time to a ridiculous level. Unless their lunch is 10 minutes, It doesn't make much sense. They walk in, they talk, and then with 2 minutes left they get into a "long" food line? The timing doesn't work. Simply eliminate"
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Noel: Yep yep yep. Now drop it and let’s go eat. The bell for fourth block is going to ring in like two minutes! |
FINAL NOTE: "The air smells of burnt pizza" is nice imagery, but poor stage direction, unless you plan to burn pizza in the theater. |
_________________
"Why so serious?"
It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets |
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Lady Sydney
Baroque Princess
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 409
Reviews: 196
Country: No, I prefer Italian food. But thanks for asking!
300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 9:30 pm Post subject: |
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Lol That's what I said to tell me at the very beginning. If everything is too crammed to seem realistic, I will be more than happy to expand what's going on. Many thanks, smorgishborg!
Back to the notebook! ^_^
I'll edit it and re-post.
~Syd~ |
_________________
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel. |
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Lady Sydney
Baroque Princess
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 409
Reviews: 196
Country: No, I prefer Italian food. But thanks for asking!
300 Points
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| Posted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 10:42 pm Post subject: |
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| Ok, I've re-written it now! Please tell me what you think of it. |
_________________
Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel. |
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smorgishborg
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 08 Oct 2007
Posts: 271
Reviews: 153
Country: Somewhere that's green
350 Points
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| Posted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 12:18 am Post subject: |
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Indeed! Significantly improved!But not perfect.
First, I saw two instances of you not capitalizing the name of a character when they deliver a line. Worst case of this was in the opening block of text.
Second, stage directions are best left impersonal. Don't speak to the actors, direct them. So remove all the "you"s from the directions.
Now that the technical issues are settled...
Dialogue: Once again solid. I'm pleased that I don't have to go into the whole "how to write realistic dialogue" thingy.
Plot: This time around, all transitions were very smooth. Also, you fixed the time problem very well, the new addition really helps signifigently with characterization and plot even.
Now, I'm might sound hypocritical while saying this, but there is a part I'd like you to cut. It's unecessary and is boring.
| Quote: |
Courtney: But, look at the lines; they’re still long and I want pizza.
All the way until...
Courtney: Shush. (jump the line and stand beside NOEL with ALEX’s arm still in your hand; sarcastically)I love how you just left us back there, Noel! |
Great. Now also do away with these two terrible lines.
Courtney: Mysteries. What do you write?
Taylor: Mmm. So you’re a little Nancy Drew, huh?
Courtney: (giggling) Yeah; a little “Courtney” Drew, actually. What about you?
Fantastic. Now, to be honest, I'd rather you reworked Taylor's entrance. When he first spoke, a giant LOVE INTEREST sign exploded in my mind. Why not have Noel and Courtney know Taylor before hand, (not very well, but they know who he is) and they just didn't know that he wrote. I think if you introduced the character more as an outsider, as opposed to a complete unknown, it would feel less like deus ex machina. (Honestly, it's just a suggestion, might work, might not. All I ask is that you try it out.)
Finally, please write the text of the intercom announcement. I had no clue that that occured until I went over a final check of the piece.
Otherwise, good work. Good to see someone committed and willing to revise! |
_________________
"Why so serious?"
It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets |
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Lady Sydney
Baroque Princess
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 28 Feb 2007
Posts: 409
Reviews: 196
Country: No, I prefer Italian food. But thanks for asking!
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Jan 15, 2008 9:42 pm Post subject: |
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This is a late thank you, smorg, but I don't think this will continue for a while. I have a novel that I'm working on, it's called "Heiress" if you want to look at it, so this will have to wait. I want to keep all of my attention on that and then I will come back to this script. ^_^ Thanks again!
~*Sydney*~ |
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Formerly known as Silly Sydstix... as well as Aquarius Angel. |
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