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Revising Hope chapter 5
Revising Hope chapter 5

by beautyandthefish in Romantic Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Poetry

This thread was created on December 18, 2007
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A Fight In Rhyme

Topic ID: 23470
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AsSunshineIsToHippies   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:21 am    Post subject: A Fight In Rhyme Reply with quote

"Why do you hate me?

I'm the best person there can be!

At drawing I'm the best,

And I am finely dressed.

I'm no slob

And I'm not a snob.

I might not be rich

but I don't live in a ditch.

My hair might be a mess

but that's a problem I can address.

I'm not mean

and I keep my anger unseen!

I'm also good with words

(As You Can See)

So, Why?

Why? Do You Hate Me?"

She stepped back in surprise

when she realized the words were not lies!

But she got her confidence back

And she readied her attack,

"I hate you 'cause you're gutless

And I can see by the sweat on your face

That you are more then nervous."

He retorted by saying,

"At least I had enough courage

To face this garbage" 

He said circumscribing her contour

With his hands

"I thought you were nice before

All of this happened

But now, I just don't know.

Your heart must of blackened

Or your selfdom must of fallen

And the darkness must have risen

And much, much more!"

"That's an exaggeration," 

She said with a menacing tone,

"And maybe I'm more mature!"

She finished with a groan.

She fled from the scene.

And the boy was all alone

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 12:40 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

To me this felt like a jingle that someone might whistle or sing. Not exactly what you want to have for your poetry. I'd say if you want to keeping the rhyming scheme, you'll have to add some less obvious rhymes. Masculine rhyme tends to create forced-sounding poetry.

I also suggest trying to create some lines that don't sound like they come from the television. That would be the first step in your revision.

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 1:27 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really liked it at the end when you migrated away from the traditional ABAB rhyme scheme and mixed it up a little bit. It felt more natural and allowed you to make the lines more poetic.

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This thread was created on December 18, 2007

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