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Via
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 Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:09 pm Post subject: Didn't Have a Camera This Time |
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Somewhere there is something.
There is something unfamiliar;
Something opposite, desperate.
It’s outside the societal bliss,
Beyond the palace walls,
Past the perfect pastures of cows.
Disney doesn’t have the means
To share it with the world.
It’s a three legged dog:
Hide him, no one will know,
No one will care.
“But, where’s the dog?”
They’ll ask, but they will not pry,
Will not risk an awkward moment.
Far be it for comfort to be broken,
Perfectly content with themselves.
It's a tainted glass,
forever reflecting only red and blue.
Tomorrow the dog may sneak out.
He’ll stumble out on his remaining paws,
Make his way to the group.
And all by himself he will unnerve them;
A small domestic animal.
The day after it won’t be the dog.
The day after no one can ignore;
“Home how it used to be.”
All along they could have stopped it. |
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Last edited by Via on Sun Dec 16, 2007 1:00 am; edited 2 times in total |
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Rigel
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| Posted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 2:21 am Post subject: |
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| Ahhh, that was lovely. I'm usually super-technical about rhyming poems and super-cynical about free verse, but good free verse melts me. The beginning lasted a bit too long for my taste, and the irregular stanzas were... well irregular, but that's missing the point, isn't it? Very good work. |
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Via
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 1:02 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks, Rigel! I'm usually pretty anal about form as well, but this time I just couldn't be...don't know why but it just didn't seem right to have a structure for it. |
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Cade
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 2:08 am Post subject: |
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I admit, the use of "something" four times in three lines scared me as I began to read this poem, but I find myself liking the beginning the best. I like that the rest of the poem isn't as abstract, but it's clearly lacking in the area of sound and rhythm. It kind of makes me think like something Brad would say, but not the way he'd say it at all.
It's not "poetic" enough, know what I mean? It came off as a little flat and heartless, and not in a good way. I think you can use that straightforward, blank tone to your advantage, but lines like this:
| Quote: |
Tomorrow the dog may sneak out.
He’ll stumble out on his remaining paws,
Make his way to the group.
And all by himself he will unnerve them;
A small domestic animal. |
belong in prose. You need to free this up a little more, write what comes to mind in a looser way. The transitions here are painful; work on improving the poem's flow from one thought or one line to the next.
I also think more vivid imagery and a stronger vocabulary would help this poem a lot. Obviously, don't go overboard and make the poem look like a thesaurus threw up on it, but at least liven it up a bit. You can use diction to create multiple meanings and more sophisticated poetry.
Good luck!
-Colleen |
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Leja
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 2:13 am Post subject: |
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The first thing I saw was a lot of punctuation. It caught my eye and seemed to clutter up the ends of the lines. Do you really need it all?
Around the middle, it seemed more like you were piling images one on top of another, rather than taking one to develop. There's the dog that seems to be the main one, then there's a broken moment with the tainted glass that's continued kinda on the side and doesn't seem so relevant to the rest of the poem. If you're piling images up as if they're the ones saved when there wasn't a camera around, like the title, that'd be super cool, but kind of a stretch.
I think it takes to long to get to the point about the dog unnerving them, and clarifying that it only takes "a small domestic animal" to unnerve them is unnecessary, but then there would still need to be a transition to the next stanza, so I don't know.
In this poem, there's the beginning, in which there's a general idea that's presented, then an example of that idea to expand on it, and a return to both at the end, merging the two. I think that the initial idea could be expanded on a little bit more to balance things out. Because "somewhere there is something" is cool in conjunction with everything else, but by itself, would need help.
I like the idea; it's cool, and something I'm always wondering how to express, but there're a lot of words that keep it tied to the page until the very end. When in doubt, condense ^_^ |
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PenguinAttack
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 2:20 am Post subject: |
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Well now... I believe you have written something deeper than I can ever get to. And in my *absolute* favourite method of poetry - free verse. Poetry is all about freedom, I think.
Now, the poem. I love what it means, and how you've set it out. You set the stage brilliantly - the reference to Disney is great. Then to move to the dog, evidently so very sad, was very well done. You hit on the right spots, gauging reactions in a way that I can both believe and see. Your description is well done as well. Not too much for the poem, and just enough to show the right contrasts.
Your last stanza jarred with me though. The use of statements is good, but I found that the line "The day after it won't be the dog." was slightly out. I'm not entirely sure what it is, but I think a slight reword may work a little better here.
Other then that, I loved this. Deep, meaningful and still "pretty". Well done. I hope I helped in some way.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 5:25 pm Post subject: |
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I'm not going to have a lot to say about this, and just so you know, that isn't a bad thing. ^_~
I read through this once, then read through it again. I loved it. It did what I love poetry to do: speak about something without speaking about it. Your meaning behind this... the symbolism of the three legged dog. It's beautiful and amazing, and powerful, and "classical", the way they use it with literature, because it has a timelessness. It could be fitted to any era, any issue...I can only hope my interpretation of the poem was correct. 
The only thing I have to complain about is the title. I'm not sure.. I like it? I don't see how it relates to the poem. Although, I could have miss read the poem, and not understand it at all. I love the alliteration of P in the first stanza, and the line on Disney...
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful. |
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kitty15
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| Posted: Sun Dec 16, 2007 6:37 pm Post subject: |
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This is beautifully written, Via. I love how your poetry is so elaborate and open to so many different interpretations. Your use of metaphors is so lovely!
First I have a few comments on the title. It intrigues me. It makes me think of a journalist who is regretting that they couldn't record a moment or an event in time and then when it did come to the view of the public, it was too late. At the same time, it sounds a touch smug to me. As if the journalist has purposefully decided not to divulge this information. Suggestions of a government cover up perhaps? But then, that's just my interpretation =)
I find it easier to pick poetry apart a line at a time so here you go -
Somewhere there is something. [This sounds so vague and fragmented and I love it. It's a very interesting opening line. Very nice.]
There is something unfamiliar;
Something opposite, desperate.
It’s outside the societal bliss,
Beyond the palace walls,
Past the perfect pastures of cows.[At first I disliked the repetition of something but after reading it a second time, it's grown on me. I think you could cut a few unnecessary words from this first stanza though and edit the punctuation a bit. For example, I think this might run smoother as -
Somewhere there is something,
There is something unfamiliar.
Something opposite and desperate;
outside societal bliss.
It's beyond the palace walls,
past perfect pastures of animals. [Just a suggestion but I think it increases the rhythm which creates a greater impact and tightens the structure a touch.]
Disney doesn’t have the means
To share it with the world. [These two lines are absolutely perfect!]
It’s a three legged dog:
Hide him, no one will know,
No one will care.
“But, where’s the dog?”
They’ll ask, but they will not pry, [I'd suggest removing 'they' from this line.]
Will not risk an awkward moment.
Far be it for comfort to be broken,
Perfectly content with themselves. [This line seems a little out of place. I'm tempted to say cut it all together but maybe move it so that it's above the previous line? I think it would fit better there.]
It's a tainted glass,
forever reflecting only red and blue.
Tomorrow the dog may sneak out.
He’ll stumble out on his remaining paws,
Make his way to the group.
And all by himself he will unnerve them;
A small domestic animal. [I quite like the simplicity of this stanza but I don't like the repetition of out at the beginning. Now sure what you could change it to either.]
The day after it won’t be the dog.
The day after no one can ignore;
“Home how it used to be.”
All along they could have stopped it.
Other than that, very good. A wonderfully thought provoking poem, my dear. Well done!
Heather xx |
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Saint Razorblade
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 3:57 am Post subject: |
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Woot! Round two, Yoda. Hah. Thanks again for giving me some practise. ^_^
Ooh, an interesting metaphor. I'm pretty sure I get what you're really trying to say? Lol, I could be wrong though. xD
I think this is written very well. Very metaphorical, very eloquent. I enjoyed it! It's a very good poem if you ask me.
I really enjoy the metaphor here. It's well portrayed. Great job. ^_^
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| Posted: Thu Feb 28, 2008 5:24 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this Via. Keep up the good work!
-Rick |
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| Posted: Sun Aug 03, 2008 12:39 am Post subject: |
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Have you done a re-write of this, I'd love to read it? This was good.
I have to agree with one of the previous critiques about all the punctuation. It seemed a bit too much for me, especially with all the periods.
That was really all that threw me off, a couple lines could be touched up with a couple different words, but a nice piece.
I enjoyed your writing. |
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