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hekategirl
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 Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 1:22 am Post subject: I'll Find Yesterday |
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Enjoy today
Persue tomorrow
Cherish yesterday
Grinning everyday behind your back, watching your soft ears turn bright pink,
someone once compared you to a lump of red clay.
Was it me?
I don't remember.
Listen to the cringe of pebbles as we walk down the concrete, Ben,
watch the rain splatter on our rose-rimmed hats,
Where were we going anyway?
Does it really matter now?
You can remember what Han Solo said in Episode 5 but what I told you last week
you can't seem to recapture
skip, Ben, skip to the beat of a broken drum
use those legs for something useful.
I can't understand.
I can't compute!
I can't stand here and wait for life to unwind,
Ben.
sometime I wish you could just say what you wanted to say
I wish I could do what my fantasies portrayed
sometime
I'll find yesterday.
And do what we missed.
Do what we couldn't say.
Sometime, Ben, I'll finally say I love you.
Leave the past behind you
Ah...someday I will.
-I changed the name to something made up just for privacy reasons- |
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Last edited by hekategirl on Sun Mar 02, 2008 8:56 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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emotion_less
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| Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 1:32 am Post subject: |
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Well... I think it's spelled yesterday...
sometime I wish you could just say what you wanted to say
I wish I could do what my fantasies potraid
There is no sometime, but there is a sometimes. In the second line, I think you are saying 'portrayed,' but I'm not sure. A typo?
I liked the coy parts of this; they were very cleverly written. However, that's all that seems to be in it. It's mixed in with emotions, but it's mainly what I see. I guess being clever isn't bad, but I think you could go beyond that. Use the clever phrases by connecting them with deeper meaning. |
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Jennafina
it's not you, it's Utah
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| Posted: Sat Aug 20, 2005 2:52 am Post subject: |
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I like how it has a dreamy quality, like a faded memory.. This is my favorite part.
Was it me?
I don't remember.
I like this too. Probably because they have the same theme.
Where were we going anyway?
Does it really matter now? |
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bubblewrapped
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| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 6:21 am Post subject: |
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Wow hekategirl I have to say you've REALLY HUMUNGOUSLY improved since I was last year. Oh, wait. That doesnt really sound like a compliment, does it? But it is! You're so much better than you were just a few months ago. Wicked! I'm seriously impressed. I love this poem. It could use a bit of polish, yes, and there are several spelling mistakes [stares you down pointedly] BUT overall its very good. I like the way its kinda wistful. True, its not deep exactly. But in some parts it shows great insight and I think you ought to be congratulated. Cheers!  |
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Writersdomain
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| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 3:02 pm Post subject: |
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| I really enjoyed this. Besides the spelling mistakes, it flowed very well and you made the words come alive. Very nice. Please keep writing |
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Sam
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| Posted: Wed Aug 24, 2005 3:07 pm Post subject: |
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'skip, Sean, skip to the beat of a broken drum
use those legs for something useful.'
Oh gosh...that's very awesome...
'Leave the past behind you
Ah...someday I will.'
AND SHE STICKS THE LANDING!!! Very well done.
I seriously think this is the best poem you've ever written, my dear friend. It's dreamy and smooth but it makes an impact, it's abstract but painfully close-to-home. *golf clap* |
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Eleanor Rigby
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| Posted: Thu Aug 25, 2005 2:43 am Post subject: |
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| This is awesome, I really enjoyed it! Personally, I'm a huge fan of any poetry that is free verse, and you've created an awesome style for yourself that flows so well. There's something so amazingly real about this poem, and there are many clever little insightful parts that make it so human. A lot of poems lack anything that connects with the real world but you seem to have a knack for creating this remarkable connection. I absolutely loved it. Please keep writing! |
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Buddadancer
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| Posted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 4:59 pm Post subject: |
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It's good but i don't understand, potraid?
Your writing is very...hard to but into words..
I like it though! |
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Ygaron
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 6:48 pm Post subject: |
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| I liked it, but there seemed to be no real structure. I seemed kind of... all over the place. Perhaps you should try to focus on one point. |
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