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Kylan
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 Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 7:45 pm Post subject: Honor |
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Synopsis:
Booker Lee, a disillusioned member of the Black Dragon Tong (the Chinese-American version of the Mafia) based in Los Angeles and dealing heavily in the traffic of heroine, meth, human commodities, and less-than-legal services, is coming to terms with his past mistakes. He has a wife who is pregnant and is slowly realizing he is not fatherly material. Especially after he authorizes the slaughtering of a small family who couldn't come up with their extortion payments.
His father, the leader of the Black Dragon Tong, who has died recently has left the command of the mob to a family friend. In the process of being pursued by the police for his most recent crimes, Booker appeals to the new leader for help only to discover in the process that a terrible conspiracy concerning seven billion dollars and a lot of dead bodies is being formulated by the upper echelon leaders of the Tong...
-Kylan |
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Last edited by Kylan on Wed Nov 28, 2007 6:53 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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BigBadBear
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| Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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Hey! I read a bit of this when you posted it elsewhere and I loved it! I will critique this as much as I can for all that you've done...you know, with helping me.
Well, here I go! Expect me to post...Thursday-Friday.
BBB |
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smorgishborg
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Kylan
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 4:49 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks, smorg! Anytime you need me to take a glance at something of yours, wing a PM my way.
Without further ado, Chs. 3 and 4
-Kylan |
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smorgishborg
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Kylan
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| Posted: Sat Dec 22, 2007 4:48 pm Post subject: |
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Congrats on you 100th! May you have a long and lustrous internet forum career.
Anyway, thank you so much for the critique. You pointed out quiet a few crucial inconsistencies. Like the fact it's pretty unrealistic to stage the shootout in a hospital. And I agree completely. Unfortunately, I'm in love with the scene, so it may be a while before I bother to try and rework it...
Here's chapters 5 and 6: |
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smorgishborg
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Kylan
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| Posted: Thu Jan 03, 2008 11:47 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks, smorg |
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smorgishborg
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Kylan
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 3:00 pm Post subject: |
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Thanks smorg, I'm glad you liked it. Actually, I live on the other side of the country and I've never set foot in New York, let alone a subway. Do you think I captured that scene setting well, then?
Anyways. This next portion includes "coup", so I'm sure you could just scan over that portion of it if you wanted to.
Thanks again |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Mon Jan 14, 2008 8:28 pm Post subject: |
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Well now, lets see how nitpicky I can be.
- The station should be in Manhattan. The subways aren't as full nor as prevenlent in the Bronx.
- Remeber to take my advice about renaming the train, there isn't a real schedule that people pay attention to, trains come often enough.
- There aren't really any coffee shops or delis underground... The only real stors are newsstands. (And on one station, the basement of Macy's/Bloomingdales)
Factually, thats all I have. Steriotypically, I'd estimate that Mark would get elbowed in the face by a subway rider who didn't understand what was going on, and I'd wager that the women wouldn't fit through the crowd that easily too. Woe to the person who steals your taxi or irks a New Yorker in the subway!
*Whew, I almost clicked on your plot spoiler before I noticed your note. Close one...* |
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smorgishborg
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Kylan
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| Posted: Mon Jan 28, 2008 6:38 pm Post subject: |
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| Ten and eleven |
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smorgishborg
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Kylan
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| Posted: Sat Feb 09, 2008 3:41 pm Post subject: |
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Okay, here are the next few chaps. I owe you smorg!
-Kylan |
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