Stop The Scrolling Header | Enable the Scrolling Header

Firefox 3

News:  

Let The Games Begin: The Writing Olympics!

Event #5 Results!
Username:    Password:      Log me on automatically each visit    
Untitled Differentiation
Untitled Differentiation

by ChernobyllyInclined in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction

This thread was created on October 1, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
Digg It Del.icio.us


Dreams (Harry Potter Fanfiction)
Topic ID: 10477
View previous topic :: View next topic  

This story was one chapter in another story i'm writing, should i still use this chapter in the story? (This chapter would not be the first chapter in the other story)
Yes- As long as this chapter made sence
50%
 50%  [ 4 ]
No- This chapter should be left alone
12%
 12%  [ 1 ]
Yes- This chapter can't stand on it's own
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
No- This chapter needs a lot of work
0%
 0%  [ 0 ]
I don't know, i'd have to read the other story
37%
 37%  [ 3 ]
Total Votes : 8

Author Message
BohemeMistress   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

11
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 24 Sep 2006
Posts: 17
Reviews: 11
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Sun Oct 01, 2006 8:20 pm    Post subject: Dreams (Harry Potter Fanfiction) Reply with quote

(WARNING, Slash Fic. please Read and review!)

Dreams

By BohemeMistress

Harry gazed over at the bed next to his. Draco’s body was rising and falling evenly.

He must be asleep Harry thought. Careful not to make the tired mattress creek, Harry got up and walked over to where his life long enemy was sleeping peacefully.

He cocked his head to the side slightly, imagining what he could be dreaming about. For a kid who had just had to relive all the horrors of his life in court only hours ago, he seemed to be at total peace.

Slowly, Harry placed his knee on the bed, pushing down carefully until all of his weight was rested. When Draco’s eyes didn’t dark open right away, Harry leaned over to the boy’s ear. He moved Draco’s platinum blonde hair out of his softly closed eyes, then, smiling, Harry leaned closer to the sleeping boy and kissed him softly on the cheek.

Draco moved slightly, pulling the blankets together as if they were a childhood toy and purring lightly into his pillow.

For a moment, Harry studied Draco, again trying to see through him into his dreams.

Harry put his hand to Draco’s sealed lips, then softly guided his hand down his chest. the boy didn't stir at all. Harry stopped at Draco’s most intimate place. Again, he checked the blonde to make sure he was still sleeping. Timidly, a mixture of excietment and fear built up in his stomac, he began to stroke and cup Draco, rounding his finger and moving up and down the blonde’s shaft. Harry forgot his inhabitions as he leaned over Draco, watching him tense slightly beneath him. Draco’s unconscious stirring became more frequent as he got harder.

When Draco began to sweetly moan to Harry’s rhythm, he put his head to the back of Draco’s, feeding of his sleeping energy. When Draco’s erection was almost as strong as Harry’s, and his moans became broken with gasps, Harry released his sleeping lover and descended to his own bed as quickly as he could. Lying under the covers, his heart beating and his cock hard, Harry listened as Draco lurched forward, panting into the dark room. He moaned slightly, and Harry imagined him running his hands through his hair, staring down at his now enormous erection.

With a clamor, Harry heard Draco scramble out of bed, still breathing deeply, trying to find something in the dark.

Harry heard Draco’s trunk close with a slight thunk and he suddenly realized what he had been searching for. A guilty pleasure ran through his spine as Draco walked slowly towards Harry’s bed, making sure he was asleep so he could pleasure himself in peace, all the while Harry was stroking his own hard-on.

Grunting slightly, Harry heard Draco pour some of the lotion (or lube, Harry wasn’t sure) onto his hands. Draco’s breathing intensified as he held back each cry of pleasure.

I’d better go help him Harry thought, a devilish smile etching onto his face. After all... I started it.

Harry slinked off the bed as a distracted Prince of Slytherin continued to pound away at himself, gasping and grunting and he buried his face into the sheets.

For the second time that night, Harry climbed onto Draco’s bed and placed a hand on him. Draco moaned louder than he had before, placing his hand on top of Harry’s, leading him forcefully up and down his shaft. As he did, Harry brought his hips closer to Draco’s back. Harry moaned into the kisses he was leaving on Draco’s neck as the Slytherin prince gasped and pushed back, rotating his hips and Harry pushed forward again and again and again.

They were separated now only by Harry’s boxers.

As their movements got faster and harder, Draco, his eyes half open and his voice weak from the ecstasy all around him, looked back at the boy he hated for six years and ordered, “Take them off, Potter.”

Harry nibbled greedily on Draco’s earlobe and cried out with anticipation as he slide his hand down Draco’s body again, this time trailing his back till he reached his arse. Pushing harder and harder against Draco, not wanting this feeling to end even for a moment, he grabbed Draco’s arse hastily before pulling down his own boxers.

For a second, all motioned stopped as Harry placed himself at Draco’s entrance, overcome by what was about to happen.

“Mmm…ahhh…” Draco breathed. Harry could see he was clutching the bed sheets in anticipation. Harry slid his hands to his hips. Running his hand over Draco's flesh, he was surprised at how moist he had become. Slowly, Harry forced himself into Draco, as each boy cried out the others name.

Draco arched his back and continued his rotating pattern, moaning louder and louder as Harry thrust deeper and deeper.

“Don’t ...stop…” Draco gasped, not caring how sweaty and hot the room had become. Harry, as if proving to Draco he wouldn’t, pulled Draco closer and enclosed his legs around him.

(Harry moaned again and again into the blonde ear, occasionally showering his neck with light wet kisses.)

They came together in unison, exhausted and satisfied like neither had ever been before. That night, Draco fell asleep in Harry’s arms. What dreams he’d had before were replaced with memories of Harry he’d never had.


_________________
Live Life Like a Sitcom...
...Always Make 'em Laugh
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message MSN Messenger
VampX13   View This User's Portfolio
Writer

31
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 17
Joined: 06 Oct 2006
Posts: 77
Reviews: 31
Country: Canada
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Oct 09, 2006 5:35 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Have they done this before? Because you would think it would be a little more painful. (And why is Draco the girl, harumph?)

I think this has a particularly nice build to it and good pacing.

If there were anything I could change about the fanfic would be maybe more of a back-story and perhaps a different pairing as I don't really like the Harry/Draco pairing but whatever floats your boat, m'dear.

Well written.

_________________
"I'm an actress, not a beauty." -from the movie, Stage Beauty
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address MSN Messenger
CrimsonRose   View This User's Portfolio
Novice

10
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 18
Joined: 11 Dec 2007
Posts: 13
Reviews: 10

300 Points

PostPosted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 8:39 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

god. never read slash before.. shocked yet suprised at how well you write this.

_________________
"Give me my Romeo; and, when he shall die,
Take him and cut him out in little stars,
And he will make the face of heaven so fine
That all the world will be in love with night
And pay no worship to the garish sun."
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Meep   View This User's Portfolio
♥less
Master of the Forum

209
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 19
Joined: 25 Oct 2006
Posts: 1852
Reviews: 209
Country: Nutopia
300 Points

PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 2:21 am    Post subject: Re: Dreams (Harry Potter Fanfiction) Reply with quote

BohemeMistress wrote:
Harry gazed over at the bed next to his. Draco’s body torso or chest was rising and falling evenly.

He must be asleep, Harry thought. Careful not to make the tired mattress creek, Harry got up and walked over to where his life long enemy was sleeping peacefully.

He cocked his head to the side slightly, imagining wondering what he Draco could be dreaming about. For a kid someone who had just had to relive all the horrors of his life in court only hours ago, he seemed to be at total peace.

Slowly, Harry placed his knee on the bed, pushing down carefully until all of his weight was resteding on the mattress. When Draco’s eyes didn’t dark dart open right away, Harry leaned over to the boy’s ear. He moved Draco’s platinum blonde hair out of his softly closed eyes, then, smiling, Harry leaned closer to the sleeping boy and kissed him softly on the cheek.

Draco moved slightly, pulling the blankets together as if they were a childhood toy and purring lightly into his pillow.

For a moment, Harry studied Draco, again trying to see through him into his dreams.

Harry put his hand to Draco’s sealed lips, then softly guided his hand down his chest. the boy Draco didn't stir at all. Harry stopped at Draco’s most intimate place. Again, he checked the blonde to make sure he was still sleeping. Timidly, a mixture of excietment excitement and fear built up in his stomach, he began to stroke and cup Draco, rounding his finger and moving up and down the blonde’s shaft. Harry forgot his inhabitions inhibitions as he leaned over Draco, watching him tense slightly beneath him. Draco’s unconscious stirring became more frequent as he got harder.

When Draco began to sweetly moan to Harry’s rhythm, he put his head to the back of Draco’s, feeding of his sleeping energy. When Draco’s erection was almost as strong as Harry’s, and his moans became broken with gasps, Harry released his sleeping lover and descended to his own bed as quickly as he could. Lying under the covers, his heart beating and his cock hard, Harry listened as Draco lurched forward, panting into the dark room. He moaned slightly, and Harry imagined him running his hands through his hair, staring down at his now enormous erection.

With a clamor, Harry heard Draco scramble out of bed, still breathing deeply, trying to find something in the dark.

Harry heard Draco’s trunk close with a slight thunk and he suddenly realized what he had been searching for. A guilty pleasure ran through his spine as Draco walked slowly towards Harry’s bed, making sure he was asleep so he could pleasure himself in peace, all the while Harry was stroking his own hard-on.

Grunting slightly, Harry heard Draco pour some of the lotion (or lube, Harry wasn’t sure) onto his hands. Draco’s breathing intensified as he held back each cry of pleasure.

I’d better go help him, Harry thought, a devilish smile etching onto his face. After all..., I started it.

Harry slinked slunk off the his bed as a distracted Prince of Slytherin continued to pound away at himself, gasping and grunting and he buried his face into the sheets.

For the second time that night, Harry climbed onto Draco’s bed and placed a hand on him. Draco moaned louder than he had before, placing his hand on top of Harry’s, leading him forcefully up and down his shaft. As he did, Harry brought his hips closer to Draco’s back. Harry moaned into the kisses he was leaving on Draco’s neck as the Slytherin prince gasped and pushed back, rotating his hips and Harry pushed forward again and again and again.

They were separated now only by Harry’s boxers.

As their movements got faster and harder, Draco, his eyes half open and his voice weak from the ecstasy all around him, looked back at the boy he hated for six years and ordered, “Take them off, Potter.”

Harry nibbled greedily on Draco’s earlobe and cried out with anticipation as he slide his hand down Draco’s body again, this time trailing his back till he reached his arse. Pushing harder and harder against Draco, not wanting this feeling to end even for a moment, he grabbed Draco’s arse hastily before pulling down his own boxers.
For a second, all motioned stopped as Harry placed himself at Draco’s entrance, overcome by what was about to happen.

“Mmm…ahhh…” Draco breathed. Harry could see he was clutching the bed sheets in anticipation. Harry slid his hands to his hips. Running his hand over Draco's flesh, he was surprised at how moist he had become. Slowly, Harry forced himself into Draco, as each boy cried out the others name.

Draco arched his back and continued his rotating pattern, moaning louder and louder as Harry thrust deeper and deeper.

“Don’t ...stop…” Draco gasped, not caring how sweaty and hot the room had become. Harry, as if proving to Draco he wouldn’t, pulled Draco closer and enclosed his legs around him.

(Harry moaned again and again into the blonde ear, occasionally showering his neck with light wet kisses.)

They came together in unison, exhausted and satisfied like neither had ever been before. That night, Draco fell asleep in Harry’s arms. What dreams he’d had before were replaced with memories of Harry he’d never had.


Okay, first thing's first: why Harry/Draco? It's not one of my pairings, but it is a bizarre one and there's a lot you could do with it. This could be two random OCs for all it has to do with canon. So, how do you fix it?
Tell us about their relationship! What angle are you going for, here? It didn't seem like grudge sex ("mortal enemies have the hottest sex"), nor did it seem like there was any unresolved sexual tension between them ("all of our bickering was because we secretly lusted after each other!") and there's no mention of how they feel towards one another: do they really love each other, do they just lust after one another, are they just using each other for sex? I mean, I understand that this is a piece without plot, but you still need some characterization.

Second, sleep!sex is weird. Put yourself in Draco's place. How would you like it if someone else felt you up in your sleep? It's creepy.

(Also, a few little things: the "burying one's face in the sheets" thing is usually a girl (ie: biologically female) thing, saying "the boy/the blond" is obnoxious, and why, for the love of God, are they not using any lube?)

I'm also going to suggest you go look up some slash writing tips. I would start at Minotaur's Sex Tips for Slash Writers. (Also, read good slash. I've got a list of recs about as long as my arm, and it's not hard to find.)

... all of that being said, this really isn't bad smut. It's not great smut, but I've seen worse.

[soapbox]Vampy, dear, Draco is not "the girl." He's the uke/bottom/catcher/receiving partner.[/soapbox]

_________________
「… the closer you get to the light // the greater your shadow becomes …」

» temporary hiatus while I go back to school and get settled in again

» enter the "fangirl project" competition & win fabulous(?) prizes!
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website AIM Address Yahoo Messenger MSN Messenger
Louisa Clack   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

12
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 15
Joined: 02 Feb 2008
Posts: 21
Reviews: 12
Country: England
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Feb 04, 2008 9:34 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Awwh. Gay love. Poor Ginny.

Lol.

Nver read anything like this before, new way to look at thing I guess haha. Very funny.

Dumbledore next?

x

_________________
Never give up on your dreams but be careful what you wish for
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message Visit poster's website MSN Messenger
mikedb1492   View This User's Portfolio
Senior Writer

165
Gender: Gender:Male
Age: 16
Joined: 24 Feb 2008
Posts: 235
Reviews: 165
Country: USA
300 Points

PostPosted: Mon Feb 25, 2008 4:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Holy crap. When I first started reading it I thought this was going to happen, but I thought to myself, "No way, who would do that?" Then I kept reading it.... All I could think was, "What would J.K. Rolling say?" It would probably have something to do with you getting the characters mixed up with Dumbledore and Grindelwald. But who knows.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
budding writer   View This User's Portfolio
Junior Writer

30
Gender: Gender:Female
Age: 13
Joined: 17 Mar 2008
Posts: 47
Reviews: 30
Country: guess
300 Points

PostPosted: Tue May 13, 2008 9:20 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

the first thing i would say is yuck ! how could you ? harry potter series is one of the best books and i really hate what you just open. that was plain disgusting and personally i wonder why you even posted it. okay i get it, its not real but its seems like you are insulting the author and the books which have been loved by kids all over the world. i advise you not to write something like this again. if it were not based on harry potter then i would have said ' wonderful'.

_________________
a friend who writes is a friend for life.
Back to top
View user's profile Send private message
Display posts from previous:   
This thread was created on October 1, 2006
Post new topic   Reply to topic
   Young Writers Society Forum Index » Fanfiction All times are GMT
Page 1 of 1

 
Jump to:  
You cannot post new topics in this forum
You cannot reply to topics in this forum
You cannot edit your posts in this forum
You cannot delete your posts in this forum
You cannot vote in polls in this forum
You can attach files in this forum
You can download files in this forum
This thread was created on October 1, 2006

Graphics By Bobo | YWS Sword & Shield Logo by Bobo
Bartemius says, If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over. - Yiddish proverb
Contact | Memberlist | Copyright Policy | YWS Store | Site Map
Facebook |  Goodreads |  Live Journal |  MySpace |  Wikipedia

© 2004 - 2008 The Young Writers Society