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stellar07star
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 Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 12:37 am Post subject: Genie |
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*Not sure if I would want this scene as an opening act, maybe. I just started writing one late night, not sure if it's going anywhere. Let me know what you all think. I wrote w/ the intention that woman be a soccer mom, and genie be someone portraying a Queen Latifah sort of attitude. Perhaps suitable for a high school/middle school play.
Woman: You want to grant me three wishes? Oh, how lovely!
Genie: I am a genie. How often do you see floating translucent beings with wispy tails like this? (files nails).
Woman: I guess you’re right. Well… um… you put me on the spot. (To self) What did Dan say he wanted? (pulls out and fiddles with daily planner) Center cut chops from market? Oops wrong list. Err. No, what was it? The…the…the beach house? Yacht? Oh here it is! (reads title of list) Dan’s three wishes in case I happen to run into magical genie.
Genie: (darts eyes at woman) Do not tell me that you have a pre-made list of your, err, Dan’s wishes?
Woman: Well, he he, I wasn’t exactly saving this for a rainy day. Something I just do. Keeps me focused and organized so Dan can be happy.
Genie: Wait, wait, wait. Who’s this Dan character and why are you so concerned about what he wants?
Woman: Well because he’s my husband. Why else?
Genie: (shakes head) Mmmm mmm honey. I’m about to finish up right here (keeps filing nails) and get right back to my beauty sleep in my lamp.
Woman: But… I thought I had three wishes.
Genie: YOU had three wishes, not Dan. You tell your little Danny boy if he wants his wishes, he has to stumble upon muah who only comes out every couple of centuries. Even at that, I just come out because I feel sorry for you mortals, hmm. You remind me exactly why I keep to myself. |
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jonny911
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| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 11:39 pm Post subject: |
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It was so-so. The humor seemed a little off to me; you're trying too much to be funny. I can see it being funny acted out, but then people would be laughing at the actions and not the play. I.e., it really isn't something I would enjoy seeing overall, even if it was funny. I can sort of see it working out, but I just wouldn't build on it myself.
Hope that helps
-Jonny |
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TL G-Wooster
dear boy, do I LOOK like a military objective?
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| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 11:52 pm Post subject: |
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It was kind of funny.  Like in a "lol" type way.
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| Genie: YOU had three wishes, not Dan. You tell your little Danny boy if he wants his wishes, he has to stumble upon muah who only comes out every couple of centuries. |
Did you mean "moi"?
Apart from that, it was pretty good! This bit was good:
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| Woman: I guess you’re right. Well… um… you put me on the spot. (To self) What did Dan say he wanted? (pulls out and fiddles with daily planner) Center cut chops from market? Oops wrong list. Err. No, what was it? The…the…the beach house? Yacht? Oh here it is! (reads title of list) Dan’s three wishes in case I happen to run into magical genie. |
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smorgishborg
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| Posted: Wed Dec 05, 2007 12:19 am Post subject: |
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Lets be honest with ourselves, it ain't that great.
Before this becomes a feature length play, (and it's waaaay to short to be a scene or an act or anything; by the way) let nip this in the bud.
Dialogue was hardly believable, it sounds like some people think people sound like. Unfortunately they sound nothing of the sort, which is why you are doing yourself a major disservice by thinking when writing dialogue! Please read it out loud to yourself and at least one family member. If the phrasing is alien to you, you need to fix it.
Stage directions were fine, except I you can't dart your eyes at someone. Your eyes can dart but you can't dart them.
***
I thought the concept was amusing, not particularly deep, but whimsical. Did I laugh? I didn't. Could I be open to the possibility of laughing if you make this better? Yes. |
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Golney
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 2:16 pm Post subject: |
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I'm just going to give you my opinion on this piece.
I think the genie has some flair, but the woman isn't remotely interesting. Genies aren't new in literature, but I suppose the twist is the genies attitude. I could keep reading due to the genies attitude, but how are you gonna keep up the story? Is the woman going to make mistakes with her wishes? Is she going to give into her husband Dan?
Anyway, that's just what I think based on what I've read. |
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kshsj777
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 1:28 pm Post subject: |
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I don't think this was really bad, but it does need some improvement. The genie and woman are both funny.
"Woman: Well, he he, I wasn’t exactly saving this for a rainy day. Something I just do. Keeps me focused and organized so Dan can be happy."
Omit "he he" It sounds better.
Work on this some more, it does have potential. It's really not bad when you consider that's it's something you just jotted down off the top of your head.
Don't give up on it. |
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