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Chasing Sunsets
Chasing Sunsets

by niteowl in Other Poetry
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Other Fiction

This thread was created on December 10, 2007
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To Help One Fainting Robin

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Fireweed   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 5:34 am    Post subject: To Help One Fainting Robin Reply with quote

Would this go in Historical Fic.? I doubt it, but feel free to move it, mods.

The protest was a vast sea of anti-war signs and multicolored clothing. The air pulsed with a chanted protest song, and the scent of patchouli was overpowering.

Emma marched and chanted with less enthusiasm than the rest. Catching a glimpse of herself in a shop window, she was appalled at the girl staring back. She was a living cliché, a generic sixties flower child with her long, unwashed hair and peasant skirt. She contemplated the others, dressed similarly.[i]Those Che Guevara t-shirts are probably mass-produced by little kids in sweatshops[/i], she thought. [i]Oh, the irony[/i]. Did they really give a damn about the situation in Viet Nam, or were they just feeling good about themselves?

Sighing, Emma dropped her "Bring Home the Troops" poster and departed the throng, watching with a sardonic smile as her sign was trampled underfoot, and strolled down the block toward her favorite book store.

Outside the door, a fellow flower child sat with an acoustic guitar, crooning some overplayed protest song- Bob Dylan or Joan Baez or someone. Just yesterday, Emma the Bleeding Heart Hippie would have tossed him some coins and sat down to listen. Today, Emma the Cynic entered the shop without a passing glance.

Inside, the world dissipated. She inhaled the aroma of old books, that distinctive smell of dust and paper and book binding glue. She indulged her eyes on the rows of shelves- poetry, fiction, philosophy,art...

She reached for a tattered volume of poetry and flipped through it eagerly. It was a compilation of Dickinson poetry. [i]Maybe Emily had the right idea,[/i] she thought. [i]Hide yourself away from the world... it's not like you can change a damn thing anyway.[/i]

Her eyes rested on one of the many short, rhyming verses.

[i]If I can stop one heart from breaking,

I shall not live in vain,

If I can ease one life the aching

Or cool one pain,

Or help one fainting robin

Unto his nest again,

I shall not live in vain.[/i]

Emma stared down at the page intently. Emily had said it better than any café beatnik ever could. Perhaps war was human nature, perhaps peace was unattainable. But change was possible, however small.

Excitedly, Emma purchased the book and exited the shop. This time, she paused to listen to the street singer.

His eyes were closed in rapture, he swayed languidly to the rhythm. His voice was deep and resonant as he teased chords from the strings.

[i]He's not trying to save the world,[/i] Emma realized. [i]He's just making music.[/i]

Her generosity renewed, Emma smiled warmly and placed a ten dollar bill in his open guitar case. He stopped playing abruptly and beamed up at her in gratitude.

"Just don't spend it on pot," she teased. He grinned and nodded agreeably.

Emma walked home contentedly. Maybe protests wren't for her, but she was determined not to live in vain.


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No blinding light
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Waiting for the hint of a spark...


Last edited by Fireweed on Tue Dec 11, 2007 1:24 am; edited 1 time in total
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Gwenevire   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 5:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was a lovely little piece. I love it XD
Its just so smooth and short. It makes so much sense and you are a great writer!
Keep going!
Genevieve

PS
I love how the book cheers her up. Books always do that to me. Its so true! Very Happy
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PostPosted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:45 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really good. But just one thing, please double space your writing. It's very annoying when people on the internet write single-spaced, because it can get very hard on the eyes.

The ideas you presented in this were very well written. I really liked this piece.

Keep writing!

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 7:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

That was really sweet! I don't have anything to crit. Laughing

For some reason, the italics weren't italicised (they just showed [ i ] or [ / i ] only without the spaces) I don't know why that is...

Keep up the good work!
~Azila~
P.S. I'm gonna go check out your portfolio!

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 8:19 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, that was awesome!
I don't think you should change anything. This was short, but to the point and extremely well-written. Really, this was amazing.

I really liked the part about the book - I am a book-lover myself and books somehow always seem to cheer me up - because it didn't seem fake, like things like that usually do in literature.

Anyways, great job on this. Smile
Keep it up!
-Ayra

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PostPosted: Wed Dec 19, 2007 8:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hah, love the Che Guavara comment!

The story was too short, though. The ending with the homeless poet was very good and doesn't need much more polish, but there's very little build up to it. In any story, you need three elements: build-up, anticipation, then the climax. Here, there is only a little build-up and no anticipation.

If you plan on working with this, go back through and develop a back-story to the main character. You might go more into detail on the protest, or go more into detail on an event that happened that morning. After all, you don't go from bleeding heart to cynic in a 24 hour period without something happening. That something could be as trifling as not being able to find a good bagel to as big as the mother dying. Given the tone of the story, it'd probably be good to lean toward trifling. That is, the character is cynical but she's not depressed. Personally, I start feeling that way when I discover I don't have any clean socks.

So it just needs more fleshing out and what you have here is a good framework to work with. The character is there, the climax is there, and the basic plot is there, so all the hard work is done with. Besides, you already have a good engaging character!

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 2:47 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thanks, everyone! ^_^

Nate, you make a good point- this definitely needs more of a back story. I'll see what I can do.

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PostPosted: Thu Dec 20, 2007 4:00 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Wow, I really like this. Emma does seem like an interesting character, and I'd love to hear more about her, but it rocks just the way it is, too.

By the way, the title really pulled me into this one. (I'm a big fan of Emily Dickinson ^_^)

And I loved the bit at the beginning with Emma thinking of herself as a walking cliche. XD

Brilliant. Keep up the good work.

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PostPosted: Mon Jan 21, 2008 5:45 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Very nice! This flowed very smoothly, and you had excellent character and scene description. I like!!!!!

The one comment I had was that there are quite a few places where you are basically saying.... "Emma did this, Emma did that." It sounds awckward, and can be really frusterating for a reader. Wink

The other one comment I had was that the italics didn't work for some reason. Im not really sure why, but they didn't. I can just see the italic marks. Which is pretty odd, because they usually work for me.

Keep up the good work!!!!

Pm me if you want a critique, by the way. I MEAN IT!!!!

See ya!
~Lupis

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This thread was created on December 10, 2007

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