Topic ID: 23021
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sar_a215
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 Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 9:10 pm Post subject: the most disturbing poem ever! |
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hello i need help with this poem
'the portrait of the heart'
Maggots and worms crawling through my heart
Devouring the contents part by part
The jagged blade runs across my skin
splitting my chest apart
The red blood slowly drips out
it splatters on the floor, painting art
A wave of coldness washes over my body
Blurring my senses and the world around me
The dark cloud looms over my head
Drinking my essence and all the people around me
It's dark now and everyone is gone
They all left me waiting for me to drown.
i need help with the underlined line the most, also if you have any additional comments please feel free to critisize me |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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| Poems go in the poetry section. ^_~ I shall move this there... |
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kokobeans
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| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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This is a great start.
'Drinking my essence and all the people around me', sounds fine. If you want to change it you could write '...and that of the people...' or '...and everyone around...' It depends on what you mean by the phrase.
The repetition of '-art' sounds a bit simple, considering not all of the poem rhymes.
'They all left me waiting for me to drown', this line could be rephrased to take out the double-use of 'me'.
Keep up the good work. |
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1dering at stars
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| Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 4:21 am Post subject: |
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I think that this is good... although it certainly is very disturbing, but that's fine if it's what you wanted. The line you underlined is fine. Maybe change,
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| they all left me waiting for me to drown |
to,
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| they all left me waiting for myselfto drown |
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davidg
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| Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 3:49 pm Post subject: Re: the most disturbing poem ever! |
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Sorry, but I don't like it. It seems very generic and risk-free.
Maybe you could try writing a longer version, then cutting it down till you are happy with it? |
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xXCandyKittenXx
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:29 am Post subject: |
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First off, it's disturbing, but seeing as I have a disturbing mind, I really like this poem. Second, I think that the underlined line is fine just the way it is.
I do agree with the other person though, who said that maybe you could try writing a longer version and then cut it down until you're happy with it. That seems like a good idea to me (even though I apparently almost never use it as I've seen with what I've done), but hey, different things work for different people.
Once again, I really do like this poem. Keep on writing, you're really good. |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 6:49 am Post subject: |
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Its nice but not very well dun. Maybe some more description would do.
Its icky!
Good work!  |
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Chimchar
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| Posted: Mon Dec 10, 2007 3:35 pm Post subject: |
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| Err.. You say it's distubing. I don't think your poem is disturbing, unless you literally cut off your chest or something. But IMO this poem must protray love, rejection and a broken heart. I don't see what's disturbing about it. |
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