Topic ID: 22793
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
J.C. Belding
Writer
Gender: 
Age: 14
Joined: 28 Nov 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 47
Country: United States
300 Points
|
 Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 9:43 am Post subject: The Meaning of Life |
 |
|
There was once a wise old sage who traveled the world, searching for the one foreseen in a dismal trance. He finally discovered this person in an unknown country, upon an unknown date. He appeared before the man who was but one and a fourth score years of age and spoke to him. "What is the meaning of life?" The man responded, "To become a successful being." The sage then said, "You are false. Make a place for yourself in this world and I shall return in one-fourth score years."
The man became an astound hunter, famed by the entirety of his land. When he was one and a half score years of age the sage returned to him and asked, "What is the meaning of life?" The man responded, "The pursuit of adventure." The sage then said, "You are false. Make a new place for yourself in this world and I will return in one half score years."
The man then became a powerful general, bringing right to all wrongs in his land. When he was two score years of age the sage returned to him and said, "What is the meaning of life?" The man made a quick response, "To bring justice to the world." The sage replied, "You are false. Make a new place for yourself in this world and I will return in one whole score years."
The man became a wealthy lord, upholding a good name for his land. When he was three score years of age the sage returned to him and questioned once more, "What is the meaning of life?" The man stated haughtily, "To live with the utmost pride and dignity." The sage then said, "You are false. Make a new place for yourself in this world and I will return in two whole score years."
The man retired to a humble abode where he quietly spent the rest of his days pondering about life. When the man was five score years of age he fell ill to a violent fever. While upon his deathbed the man was visited by a hooded figure with torn, black robes. As the shadowy being raised its wretched head, a dark, thorn-covered, deathly mask came into view; the mask of the devil. The Angel of Death slowly lifted the mask from his deeply scarred face and, as he did, the man was dumbfounded, for the face was that of the sage. The horrid demon asked the man in an unforgiving, icy voice, "What is the meaning of life?" The man replied in a fearfull, crippled tone, "To live." A knife slipped into the devil's gloved hand. "My dear child, you are correct." |
_________________
My quote of the month: "Time passed inaffective, for those who lie in shadow are at a threaten only by those who dare to enter the dark."- The Philine Quartet:Part 2
Last edited by J.C. Belding on Thu Mar 06, 2008 7:52 am; edited 4 times in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
Azila
October... it's Vegetarian Awareness Month!
Speaker of the Forum
Gender: 
Age: 13
Joined: 23 Jul 2007
Posts: 967
Reviews: 501
Country: The Valley of the Wind
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 4:24 pm Post subject: |
|
|
This is pretty good! It's kind of a fable or folk-story kind of thing which makes me think that it would be happier in Other Fiction than Fantasy Fiction, but it's really your choice. If you do decide to move it, ask a Moderator (or PM me and I'll do it) don't just make another post in Other Fiction... did that make any sense?
Anyway, like I said, it's pretty good for a fable. There are just two things wrong that I could find and they are both in this sentence:
| J.C. Belding wrote: |
| There was once a wise old, sage who traveled the world, searching for the one forseen in a dismal trance. |
Firstly, both of the commas here should be deleted.
Secondly, 'forseen' should be 'foreseen'
Other than that, pretty much flawless!
Keep writing and feel free to PM me with questions/comments concerning my review!
~Azila~ |
_________________
Want a critique?
"Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot." -Irish proverb. (sounds best if you read it with an Irish brogue) |
|
| Back to top |
|
J.C. Belding
Writer
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 28 Nov 2007
Posts: 64
Reviews: 47
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 12:21 am Post subject: |
|
|
| Thanks. I'll get right on those corrections and PM you. |
_________________
My quote of the month: "Time passed inaffective, for those who lie in shadow are at a threaten only by those who dare to enter the dark."- The Philine Quartet:Part 2 |
|
| Back to top |
|
Shadeslayer
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Nov 2007
Posts: 73
Reviews: 9
Country: Australia
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 4:49 am Post subject: |
|
|
very nice! i love it!
please keep writing! |
_________________
I Should Have Complete Faith In My Own Existence, Because In Order To Be Decieved About Anything, I Must First Exist
Got YWS?
Go The Dragons! |
|
| Back to top |
|
Aet Lindling
the Antiemo.
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 100
Joined: 26 Feb 2007
Posts: 736
Reviews: 140
Country: Careful, if I come into contact with an emo I'll cause annihilation!
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 10:07 am Post subject: |
|
|
Eep eep eep no! That last comma had every right to be there! *shakes head* Now it's a run-on sentence.
But I agree, this makes more sense in Other Fiction.
"menaing"
That's "meaning".
Other than that, good job! |
_________________
"His skin literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare."
'Nuff said, amirite? |
|
| Back to top |
|
Porcelain
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 22
Reviews: 19
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 11:01 am Post subject: |
|
|
aww.
Such a cute heart warming story.
I'm in love with it  |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 10:01 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I quite liked it, though I'm not sure it belongs in Fantasy Fiction.
I thought it was very quick, and it had a fairytale element to it. I didn't get the age thing, but apart from that I can't find anything wrong with it.
It's a great concept, keep writing. |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
|
| Back to top |
|
Audy
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 10 Nov 2007
Posts: 156
Reviews: 53
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 10:27 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I liked this! The score years thing was a nice effect and added to the 'folktale-ness' of the story.
I especially loved how just as he figured out the meaning of life he had to die, that was some priceless irony ^^
I don't get how the old man ended up being the Angel of Death, but I guess that explains how he lived so long xD |
_________________
"When writing a novel, that's pretty much entirely what life turns into: 'House burned down. Car stolen. Cat exploded. Did 1500 easy words, so all in all it was a pretty good day.'"
-- Neil Gaiman |
|
| Back to top |
|
Squall
A scattered memory that's like a distant dream
Speaker of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 01 Feb 2007
Posts: 587
Reviews: 402
Country: New Zealand
450 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:05 am Post subject: |
|
|
As a fable, this works quite well. However, if it was a novel, then it lacks content.
| Quote: |
| There was once a wise old sage who traveled the world, searching for the one foreseen in a dismal trance. He finally discovered this person in an unknown country, upon an unknown date. |
The first two lines is telling, not showing. It is boring to read and is quite childish in its structure, since it bears reminiscence with how young children's fairy tales are set. Now if you want this to be serious, I suggest you reword the opening sentences.
Dialogue isn't very realistic. How would a person know when he'll "make a place for him in the world" and ensure that he'll return in a set peroid of time. There is nothing that the wizard possesses that will ensure that. Unless he is telepathic, in which case, the character is rather unrealistic since he becomes omnipotent and suffers from a case of "deus ex machina" which means "God out of a machine." When a character is under the "deus ex machina" category, you know that he is unrealistic and an instant fail. That is of course, if you can provide us with a reason that he is omnipotent.
I won't mention the rest of the tale. It's just a predictable tale that uses some sort of loophole to conclude the tale. Nothing that interesting, it has been done heaps mate. |
_________________
Dolphins for the win!
Originally known as Clockwerk Goblin.
Last edited by Squall on Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:38 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
kokobeans
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 99
Joined: 02 Dec 2007
Posts: 186
Reviews: 104
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 3:15 am Post subject: |
|
|
I love it.
There's a lot of really good ideas in there, and i like the style of writing too.
Keep up the good work. Kudos. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Golney
Junior Writer
Gender:
Age: 19
Joined: 05 Dec 2007
Posts: 31
Reviews: 16
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 07, 2007 5:02 am Post subject: |
|
|
I haven't read a fable in a while  I forgot how interesting they could be, until now. I really don't have anything to complain about in this tale. I don't know the purpose of their meeting, or what was featured in the dismal prospect, though I suppose it could have been death . But, then again, I wasn't meant to know that stuff. You gave just enough information to convey your point. Good work! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
