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Audy
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 Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 12:55 am Post subject: Only Way to Cope |
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One hates to love
One loves to hate
The two of them relate.
One fights for love
One loves to fight
Neither are in the right.
One kills to love
One loves to kill
Murderers, they are still.
One dies to love
One loves to die.
Either way, you cry.
I don't know about you all
but love no longer sings
to me.
This overwhelming emotion
makes men do crazy things
for me.
Sometimes all one needs to see
is the flipped side of it all,
says me.
To live itself, becomes evil
and the good becomes the small
in me.
And when all those loved perish,
one comes to believe
like me.
Love is more than just romance,
More than just coincidental chance.
Love is faith and life and hope,
It is the only way to cope. |
Last edited by Audy on Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:32 pm; edited 3 times in total |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 1:01 am Post subject: |
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One fights for love
One loves to fight
Neither surely are right.
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I think it should be: Surely neither one is right.
| Quote: |
And when all those loved parish,
one comes to believe
like me.
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'Parish' should be 'Perish'.
I haven't the time for a proper review--dinnertime soon--but I pointed out what I noticed above.
I thought this was excellent for a draft, and pretty good for a poem. If you know what I mean.  |
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J.C. Belding
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| Posted: Sat Dec 01, 2007 8:43 am Post subject: |
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| You poem starts good but its quality fades away after a while. If you revisit it and make the entire piece sound poetic, you will be able to express your feelings in an immesly clearer way and leave a much deeper impact on readers. Your poem has great potential but until you rewrite the majority of your verses, it will remain hidden. On the plus side, your plot is both creative and interesting and your wording on the first few verses is good except for some gramaticall and spelling errors. |
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Sorrowspinner
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 3:45 am Post subject: |
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It may be a draft, but it is very good.
I don't think it needs many corrections, since it's mostly sound.
Plus, I loved reciting this to a little jingle XD |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:05 am Post subject: powerful!! |
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| okay there were a lot of things wrong with this but overall this was really great. i have to go but i'll be back to properly critique. |
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iQuippie
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:54 pm Post subject: |
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| This was pretty good I thought. One thing confused me: by the fifth stanza, your rhyme scheme had suddenly changed. It's not bad I guess... it just took me by surprise. |
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Minniax
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| Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:02 pm Post subject: |
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Oh wow. I really liked this.
I usually have a hard time interpreting poems, but this one was clear to me! =]
Good job! |
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Crysi
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| Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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You know, I like this. I like both patterns you have going on -- the one-to-one and the ___ me (or so I've named them). And then you bring it together in a final stanza.
I'd cut out the "trust me" at the end if you're going to keep it like this. It doesn't really add anything, and it goes back to the ___ me portion, which at this point has concluded.
Also, I'm really not sure the two patterns mesh together very well. Both are interesting ideas on their own, but there needs to be more of a transition, more of a blend. Also, in that last stanza (and I'm not counting the last line as a stanza), you should decide how you want to rhyme it: first and third lines, second and fourth; or first and second, third and fourth.
I really like the idea presented here, and I'm hesitant to tell you to cut anything but the last line, because I kind of like how there's almost a prologue effect to it with the one-to-one part, and then it goes into more of an explanation as to how it affects others, why it is important.
Sorry I couldn't give you more specific advice, but it really is a lovely poem, and I'd like to see more of this.  |
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Audy
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| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 9:39 pm Post subject: |
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| Plus, I loved reciting this to a little jingle XD |
lol!  The 'I don't know about you all' sounds a bit Christmasy doesn't it? Wasn't done intentionally. I couldn't figure out another way to say it. 
--
Thanks for all the comments everyone!
I've looked at it a couple of times and I noticed that it wasn't the rhyming itself that was the problem, it was the abrupt change in rhyme scheme.
I've fixed a few things that you have all mentioned and pointed out to me, for that, I thank you all very much.
Right now, I'm going to take a while to brainstorm and see if I can find a way to fix that and have a better transition as Crysi mentioned...I think that was what threw everyone off.
Also, I know the 'says me' part is grammatically incorrect. I'm not too fussy about it, but I couldn't figure out another word to put in there for 'says'. If anyone has any ideas, let me know. |
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Kyte
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| Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 10:32 pm Post subject: |
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| I think it's good work. What inspired you to write this? |
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