Topic ID: 22825
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PenguinAttack
Dangerously cute. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 885 Reviews: 366 Country: There's just me. 418 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 11:21 am Post subject: The Making of Tears. |
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The making of a tear is a terribly difficult job. One might tell you – if they so wished- that a tear was merely a result of chemical reactions that informed the tear duct that it is required to produce this salty liquid. One may also be wrong.
Each glistening tear is painstakingly made, taking hours upon hours of work. You're laughing now aren't you? You think it is ludicrous that one tiny droplet of condensed salty water could take so long to create. You imagine that the time between tears, those slippery drops falling so rapidly, would take hardly seconds to fall to their deaths with an unlikely whisk of the hand. You think the time is too short. That it takes moments, not hours. You are mortal.
Tear-crafting is a specialised talent taking lifetimes to perfect. Tears that are hand-crafted in ducted workshops are sterilised and equipped for that exact purpose. You cannot imagine the work that goes into one of your useless tears. Yes. They are useless.
It has taken thousands of years, hundreds upon millions of tears for this realisation to evolve. There is only joy in the making of a tear, an encompassing joy that surpasses all need for reason. Perhaps –in a time long lost – there was a purpose for this creation and destruction of tears. Now tears are merely a novelty, a hobby of creative minds and the embodiment of your soul's pain.
But your soul's pain is part of life. We feel it, we feed it and we play out the actions it cannot. The broken soul, cracked upon the steps of time, cannot move its way into your heart. It cannot slip its failing ghostly whispers of nuance, into your mind. It has no hands yet needs many. It is we who give it hands; we give it movement and we give it will. Your life revolves around our participation in your soul's desire.
You are still sceptical. You do not believe that these tears are not your own. But there are times in your short existence where you are unable to cry, are there not? This is just one example of our ability, not your inability. We work so very hard on these beautiful drops, the elongated spheres of shifting clarity that you so callously wipe away. We take our time, moulding together the molecules, adding the colours and the tastes to create the best tears that we can. Rainbow makers. Glistening baubles of pure fun. You have no concept of these ideals. You see our labour as a result of weakness, of childhood and of worthlessness. Eons of craft lost in the barbaric practices of a long obsolete species of being called humanity.
The human being is a vessel. You have no purpose other than to house our creations. As for those few empty beings, broken in mind, who cannot cry; those are the beings that we have left. We have removed ourselves from their decaying husks and moved on to a newer specimen: a welcoming child, mourning widower, or broken lover. Our sole purpose is to create your tears, let them fall from lidded orbs, and watch them die upon the slick surface of your lives. Such waste that I can hardly comprehend.
Yet, that, that is merely the beginning of so much more. |
_________________ *Rawr*
Read it, Write it, Love it.
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Lilith
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 22 Apr 2007 Posts: 221 Reviews: 34 Country: U.S. 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 4:09 pm Post subject: |
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I honestly can't say I saw anything wrong with this story gramaticaly but I was more interested in what it had to say. It's thought provocing and held my attention until I realized there was nothing left to read.
Not to mention it left me hanging in the way that makes you yearn for more so please, do hurry with the next part. This is one of the best pieces I've read in a while and I'm glad I did. |
_________________ Duffy -- "Watch out for Jesse, he wants what he can't have."
Emily -- "Oh boy, he can have me."
Duffy -- "Figures..." |
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Azila
sun moon stars rain Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 23 Jul 2007 Posts: 966 Reviews: 501 Country: The Valley of the Wind 319 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:09 pm Post subject: |
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This is really good! I can see why you won, with a piece like this.
I don't have anything constructive to say, so I feel bad... but good job!
~Azila~ |
_________________ Want a critique?
"Never bolt your door with a boiled carrot." -Irish proverb. (sounds best if you read it with an Irish brogue) |
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iQuippie
*makes a dramatic return* Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 22 Aug 2007 Posts: 292 Reviews: 142 Country: My United States of Whateva! 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 5:48 pm Post subject: |
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Mm... that was excellent. Really original and interesting. I especially love the ending. Great work.
--Quippie |
_________________ You're insulted, you can't be bought or sold;
Translation: offer too low. |
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Leja
Slightly more inclined to writing than previously Epic Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 20 Mar 2007 Posts: 2707 Reviews: 788 Country: my locker 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 6:32 pm Post subject: |
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This reads as if it should be a nonfiction piece (because the narration is so distant)
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| Tear-crafting is a specialised talent taking lifetimes to perfect. |
yet it is emotionally infused
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| But your soul's pain is part of life. We feel it, we feed it and we play out the actions it cannot. The broken soul, cracked upon the steps of time, cannot move its way into your heart. |
The tenses change quite a bit, from first person plural "we feel it" to third person "tear-crafting is a specialised talent" to second person "you cannot imagine". I think that it might be better if it were all in third person, sort of an anti-textbook that seems to be telling something scientific but is really talking about something very far from science. |
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Snoink
Snuggly Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 02 Apr 2005 Posts: 8437 Reviews: 2105 Country: USA 546 Points
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Posted: Sun Dec 02, 2007 7:18 pm Post subject: |
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| *moved to Nonfiction* |
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"So, Obama calls McCain erratic. Well, I call Obama a squirrel." -- Rush Limbaugh |
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PenguinAttack
Dangerously cute. Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 29 Jul 2007 Posts: 885 Reviews: 366 Country: There's just me. 418 Points
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Posted: Mon Dec 03, 2007 2:02 pm Post subject: |
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thank you all for taking the time to read this. And your comments are very much appreciated.
Sadly I have alsways had a bit of a problem with tenses, and deciding what person things should be in. But I think in the end, and after reading over it quite a few times - with what you said in mind, Amelia - that I see this as a kind of speech.
One small tear maker talking to one giant human being. Perhaps I still need to make the changes in tense? I am not so sure about that. Though I could make it all third person, beacuse that is a perfectly valid suggestion, but would that detract from the emotional side? because I find that bit important too.
Hehehe, something I should think on no doubt.
I also apologise for placing this in the wrong section to begin with... I get confused sometimes, thanks, Snoink for moving it.
Thank you all, once again, for reading and critting this little piece of silliness.
*Hearts* Le Penguin. |
_________________ *Rawr*
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chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 31 May 2007 Posts: 1614 Reviews: 516 Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius 1605 Points
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Posted: Tue Dec 04, 2007 6:12 am Post subject: |
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Umm... wow! That was really good. It made me stare at the screen and think, oh my god, if only I had written that.
I can see why you won a contest with this, it was really good. There weren't any mistakes.
Your beginning was engaging, and your ending powerful, making the reader want more. |
_________________ *Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
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JabberHut
The One and Only! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 17 Joined: 04 Nov 2006 Posts: 943 Reviews: 451 Country: Whats you wants? My blood? Gets yer own! 695 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 3:57 pm Post subject: |
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I'm he-ere!
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| One might tell you – if they so wished-- that a tear was merely a result of chemical reactions that informed the tear duct that it is required to produce this salty liquid. |
Maybe which inform?
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| You think the time is too short.[comma instead] That it takes moments [use 'minutes' instead to compliment 'hours' here?] , not hours. You are mortal. |
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| It has taken thousands of years, hundreds upon millions of tears for this realisation to evolve. |
It has taken thousands of years and hundreds upon millions of tears for this realisation to evolve. (Haha, I used my first British/AU-English word!)
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| . There is only joy in the making of a tear, [a dash?] an encompassing joy that surpasses all need for reason. |
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| Perhaps –in a time long lost – there was a purpose for this creation and destruction of tears. |
Replace dashes with commas.
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| We feel it, we feed it, and we play out the actions it cannot. |
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| It cannot slip its failing ghostly whispers of nuance, [no comma] into your mind. It has no hands, yet needs many. It is we who give it hands; we give it movement, and we give it will. Your life revolves around our participation in your soul's desire. |
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| You are still sceptical. |
This might just be an AU-English thing I never seen before, but I think it's skeptical.
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| As for those few empty beings, broken in mind, who cannot cry; those are the beings that we have left. |
Those two commas are probably not needed. And the semicolon can be replaced with a dash.
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| Yet, [delete comma] that, [triple dots?] that is merely the beginning of so much more. |
That was really good. I'm most impressed by how one could write so much about tears. Very good job. There's nothing else for me to point out, really. I mentioned it all up above. Good job!
Now go to bed.
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
_________________ "I want to puke happiness all over you people..." –Suz on finishing Death Machine
"WWJD: What Would Jabber Do?" -- Jabber
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Aedomir
If you hate me press alt+f4. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 19 Jan 2008 Posts: 1860 Reviews: 370 Country: The fantasy of limbo, but I call it England. 300 Points
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Posted: Sat Jan 26, 2008 4:53 pm Post subject: |
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Tears.
A very original topic, and didn't know non-ficiotn could be so interesting!
A never knew so much could be put about tears either, could job there and especially with the ending.
Very good, keeping writing! |
_________________ We are all Sociopaths: The Prologue
Sociopath: So • ci • o • path noun
1. Someone who believes their behaviour is right.
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lakegirls
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 15 Jan 2008 Posts: 219 Reviews: 72 Country: Newfoundland 300 Points
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Posted: Thu Jan 31, 2008 9:54 pm Post subject: |
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Wow! That was amazing, never, well in a long, time have i looked at something and wished that i have written.
Though, i don't know if i could write a whole piece about tears, it would depress me a bit.
I really do see why you won the contest.
One question though: Why did you write a whole piece about tears.
Looking forward to reading some more of your pieces!  |
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Jared
because bears do it better Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 1562 Reviews: 585 Country: USA 1082 Points
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Posted: Sat Jun 21, 2008 5:10 am Post subject: |
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Penguin,
Just when I thought that everything had been written about, along came this masterpiece. Yes. It's a masterpiece. I love it so much. I want to glug it to death. O.o It was so beautiful. The only word that can describe this is crystal. It's like a beautiful crystal, hung out in the sunlight, casting amazing rainbows all over. This is what this piece is.
A beautiful crystal. I don't have any complaints whatsoever. It was so well done and thought out. I am so pleased with you. This is definitely something to be proud of. As chocoholic said:
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| It made me stare at the screen and think, oh my god, if only I had written that. |
Exactly. That made me feel the exact same way. Well done, Penguin. I loved this to death.
-Boy |
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"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!" - Fiddler on the Roof |
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Moriah Leila
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 19 Jun 2008 Posts: 117 Reviews: 55 Country: United States 326 Points
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Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 6:21 am Post subject: Re: The Making of Tears. |
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You are still sceptical.
Skeptical.
Yet, that, that is merely the beginning of so much more.
The second that sounds like it should be changed to this.
I liked it, although I am not quite convinced that our tears are entirely useless. I don't think God would create something that had no purpose. Other than that good job. |
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patience_isnt
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 10 Jun 2008 Posts: 102 Reviews: 26 Country: Canada 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jun 23, 2008 12:14 am Post subject: |
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| I couldn't find anything wrong with it, but then again, I was really pulled into it. I was so pulled into it, I didn't realize that it was ended. xD Good job! (Sorry I don't have anything constructive to say, but you know, I didn't find anything wrong with it.) Keep up the good work! |
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