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Audy
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 Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:24 pm Post subject: The Reason |
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I wrote this a long time ago, I've probably edited it about a thousand times, but let me know if I've missed anything, I'm prone to silly mistakes 
I just edited it again and took out most of the commas...I'm not too certain on poetry punctuations, but it looks better this way?
To say without saying,
the secret, the truth
To tell without telling,
the stories of youth.
To fight without fighting,
our everyday fears
To cry without crying
not one single tear
To send without address,
a message of soul
To pay without paying,
the bill of life's toll
To find without searching,
the answers, the facts
To forge without signing,
our passion, our pact
To see without seeing,
what's worth more than sight
That's what it is.
The reasons
I write. |
Last edited by Audy on Sun Dec 07, 2008 9:41 pm; edited 4 times in total |
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Minniax
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:34 pm Post subject: |
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Wow really liked it =]
I couldn't find any spelling errors or anything like that.
I'm not so good with grammar so I will leave that up to others.
Great way of explaining your love for writing. |
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Leja
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:40 pm Post subject: |
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I didn't like the third line of each set, that told what you say/tell/fight/cry/send, etc. It seemed like unnecessary elaboration that in all, didn't have much relevance to the poem as a whole.
The general idea was nice, and the structure was cute. I can't decide what to say past that. So you get my whole thought process  On the one hand, it's simple. There's not much more to it after an initial reading. Almost like ultimately, it isn't about much. But on the other hand, yes, it's simple, but the simplicity of it is nice, and it doesn't really need much expansion because that would hinder it. Even the repetition, which normally scratches at my eardrums, was nice, I thought. Well used.
So much punctuation and so many line breaks got to be bothersome and formulaic after a while. |
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JabberHut
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:52 pm Post subject: |
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Hi! Here to tear up your poem, though there isn't much to tear up. ^_^
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To cry,
without crying-
not one, single tear. |
That hyphen in there threw me off. Maybe say:
To cry,
without shedding
a single tear.
More effective if written similarly to that.
| Quote: |
To send,
without address,
a message of the soul. |
Would adding that bolded word hurt your purpose? Grammatically, it would improve, but I don't know much about style in poems.
It was very good. A simple message that's easy to find is excellent. I can never dissect poems for that reason. This, however, I could follow. It was understandable and descriptive. I liked it. ^_^
Keep writing!
Jabber, the One and Only! |
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October Girl
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| Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 10:54 pm Post subject: |
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| I really liked this, I don't exactly know what to say. good job. Keep at it? |
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Sorrowspinner
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 12:23 am Post subject: |
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Man, I relate so much to this poem :O Well, the people above me typed what I might have said...
But anyway, it is wonderful and I do love it! |
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Gwenevire
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 1:07 am Post subject: |
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Wow.
That was beautiful =]
Good work.
I love how it made me think about all that we can do without even trying and when we do amazing things happen.
Keep writing
Genevieve
xxx |
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J.C. Belding
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 7:57 am Post subject: |
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| Wow. I'm really impressed. The only thing I would change is "the messege of the soul" part. Just make some slight adjustments to make it run more smoothly. I believe its called "adjusting the meter" or something like that. Anyway, you wrote a very good piece. Keep up the good work. |
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Audy
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| Posted: Thu Nov 29, 2007 11:48 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks so much everyone! I've fixed the commas and a few minor things and I appreciate everyone's critiques and feedback. I'm glad I could write a poem we all relate to. =) |
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Angel of Death
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| Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 1:48 am Post subject: Wow!!! |
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I really loved this, you know it almost had me to tears. I didn't see any errors, but if there were it really wouldn't take away from this beautiful piece of art.
Keep on doing the write thing!!! |
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chucki666
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| Posted: Fri Nov 30, 2007 2:42 am Post subject: |
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it was a bit confusing a bit, considering it starts in the first line, then ends in the second, while starting the other one.
other than that, i liked it. |
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white_velvet_on_a_moonlit
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| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 10:43 pm Post subject: |
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You really have a deep connection with yourself. If that make any sense
What I mean is that you can describe yourself so well. In your poem you have captured yourself and the essence of the pen. If I'm even old enough to know what the essence of pen is . . . |
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