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[Male/Bene]volence
[Male/Bene]volence

by Raimunda in Other Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on November 27, 2007
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Thomas Pinewood: Gregory & Elizabeth

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EliteHusky   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 12:42 am    Post subject: Thomas Pinewood: Gregory & Elizabeth Reply with quote

William looked at Thomas as they approached the entrance leading into the alleyway,

“You do know we’re doing exactly the opposite of what my folks told me and Charlie by heading towards danger,” he breathed gently smiling fondly.

They could now hear a man yelling at Elizabeth.

“What’s taking so long!?”

“I’m sorry!” she yelled back

They had reached the entrance unnoticed. Thomas was the first to enter followed closely by William who had his wand ready in his right hand.

“You were supposed to get the boy!” he exclaimed louder.

Thomas felt the hair on his skin stand up. The man kneeling before ahead of him shouting at Elizabeth was the same man he had seen earlier with the black Belgian Sheepdog, sure enough besides the man there lay the dog covering it’s eyes.

“You were supposed to draw the boy to me!” he shouted increasing his volume.

Elizabeth apparently had not noticed them either as she was still facing the man, “It’s not my fault his chums showed up,” she replied defensively.

The man turned and grinned.

“Who are you?” William said calmly; as the man turned slowly, still kneeling to fully face them, with Elizabeth. She bore a wicked smile as she stared at Thomas. She was no longer beautiful, Thomas only saw a desire to hurt him in her blue eyes.

“Answer me!” William yelled, directing his wand straight towards the man’s head, his Irish accent beckoning with clarity as he pronounced every syllable.

They were only a couple of meters away, yet the smell of the man’s foul breath reeked in the air around them. The man slowly rose to his feet, his arms both raised high. The dirt around them had soiled his red sweater and was now dull and faded when compared to with the red building blocks that now enclosed them. On his chest, by his heart, lay a small golden pin bearing the image of a pot filled with coins.

Thomas raised his eyes to observe the man’s scarred face. His shaved beard stood out as he stared back at him while his black hair shifted back and forth as a gust of wind entered the alleyway.

“My name is Gregory,” he said calmly and assertive.

Thomas could see William’s eyes move back and forth between Gregory to Elizabeth.

“Why are you two after Thomas?” William asked showing his assertiveness.

Elizabeth walked towards Thomas and grabbed his arm. He instantly moved backwards, forcing her to release her grip.

“He’s a good lad, you should know yourself William….”

“What’s that supposed to mean?” he replied defensively.

She turned towards William and smiled.

“I thought I knew you,” he uttered.

In the corner of his eye, Thomas noticed that Gregory was lowering his hands, slowly and towards his back pockets.

“William!” Thomas shouted, directing his focus towards Gregory.

It was too late, the man had removed his wand and was pointing it directly at William’s heart.

“You’ve got relationship issues chap,” Gregory taunted.

William countered aggressively, “Give me a reason and I swear you won’t like the result….”

Elizabeth and Thomas moved to the side facing opposite of each other. Gregory slowly walked towards William his wand still outstretched.

“Solvo Mihi!” William shouted in fury, instantly the man was shoved a few meters back.

“Is that the best you can muster chap!” Gregory taunted grinning his teeth.

“Heliocorpus.”

Thomas and Elizabeth watched as Gregory levitated, his feet rising until they were just besides the top of the building to their left. Thomas followed William as he ran out of the alleyway and stared towards the roof of the next building that bore the same construction blocks as the alleyway.

They continued to stare for a minute, suddenly the caught a glimpse of Gregory jumping down the side of the building. He burst into a run as William waved Thomas not to follow him.

“Follow me if you can!” he shouted as he ran towards a grassy area where the traffic had turned, leading the way to the dock below.

“He’s an utter nut job,” Thomas commented after they both watched him brush by some strangers and dive into the water which he thought must have be freezing. Thomas could now him footsteps running towards him and turned around to see Charlie running slowly towards them holding Mrs. Gimico’s hand.

“What’s going on? We saw you, I mean I saw you, terribly sorry Mrs. Gimico for that again,” he quickly amended regaining his breath, “running out of the alleyway in a hurry. Did you find Elizabeth?”

“She’s not to be trusted,” William said quickly his dark blue sleeved shirt now covered with water droplets, “She’s after Thomas and is working for or with a man named Gregory.”

“Where is she?” Charlie asked looking towards the alleyway.

“I reckon she’s still inside.”

“I didn’t see her leave with us,” Thomas added turning towards William.

“It doesn’t matter,” William said cheerfully staring up at the sky, “we’ll try to stay away from her if we ever spot her again!”

A light rain had begun come down upon them. It was so beautiful the shops alongside the neatly built concrete road beside them had huge blankets of blue and red coverings to protect their good that lingered outside as well as the windows. Thomas watched as an elderly man with a grey apron, that matched his short and spiffy hair, come out with a blue covering and slowly placed it on top of the flowers and other plants which dwelt on outside his garden shop.

Suddenly he felt something brushing against his leg. He looked down the rain splattering on his glasses as he did so, and saw the same dog he previously saw in the alleyway trying to pass by him. As he turned to his side the Belgian Sheepdog ran towards Mrs. Gimico.

“What do you know,” William laughed appearing very elegant even though his grey long sleeve shirt was soaked, “I guess that is Mrs. Gimico’s dog.”

Thomas took off his glasses and wiped them with his own shirt,

“Let’s head back to that café we saw earlier for shelter.”

William looked back at the dock, “good idea, and then we need to call our folks,” he stared particularly at Charlie, “I doubt dad’s going to take strange people after Thomas very lightly! After all,” he stared at Thomas gently, “you may be a Pinewood, but you’ll make be a true and fine Bucklin if I ever saw one!”

The rain now drenched Thomas’s hair, “thanks, but I’ll stick to being a Pinewood” he smiled as they headed in back towards the café.



Last edited by EliteHusky on Wed Nov 28, 2007 11:33 am; edited 1 time in total
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PostPosted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 2:58 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

First, this sounds WAY too much like Harry Potter. I suggest you change some things. Smile

William said calmly; as the man turned slowly, still kneeling to fully face them, with Elizabeth

This is a run on sentence. I suggest you take out 'still kneeling.' Very HappyVery HappyVery Happy

Answer me!” William yelled, directing his wand straight towards the man’s head, his Irish accent beckoning with magnitude

'Irish accent beckoning with magnitude' sounds very strange. Maybe his accent becomes more pronounced when he's angry...?

They were only a couple of meters away, yet the smell of the man’s foul breath reeked in the air around them. The man slowly rose to his feet, his arms both raised high. The dirt around them had soiled his red sweater and was now dull and faded when compared to with the red building blocks that now enclosed them. On his chest, by his heart, lay a small golden pin bearing the image of a pot filled with coins

You should cut the description of the sweater and the pin unless it has some relevance to your story Smile

Thomas raised his eyes to observe the man’s scarred face. His shaved beard stood out as he stared back at him while his black hair shifted back and forth as a gust of wind entered the alleyway.

I don't see the point of this description. Why isn't Thom freaking out? This sounds like an incredibly tense situation. I don't think anyone is looking at details Wink

“My name is Gregory,” he said calmly and assertive.

Why would Gregory give them the satisfaction of his name?

“I thought I knew you,” he uttered.

You can do better with this dialogue. At the moment it means nothing. Also, you've switched viewpoints here to Will.

“You’ve got relationship issues chap,” Gregory taunted.

William countered aggressively, “Give me a reason and I swear you won’t like the result….”


Make this dialogue more relavant. Everything sounds a bit scatterbrained.

"You won't like the result?" I think a death threat would be more suitable Wink

Thomas and Elizabeth watched as he levitated, his feet rising until they were just besides the top of the building to their left. Thomas followed William as he ran out of the alleyway and stared towards the roof of the next building that bore the same construction blocks as the alleyway.

Who is levitating?
We don't need to know about the blocks in another building Smile

They continued to stare for a minute, suddenly the caught a glimpse of Gregory jumping down the side of the building. He burst into a run as William waved Thomas not to follow him.

“Follow me if you can!” he shouted as he ran towards a grassy area where the traffic had turned, leading the way to the dock below


This^^^^ doesn't make any sense. "No, stay back!.... Get over here!"
????? I suggest you add more thought bubbles.

Towards the end, they seem a little too happy go lucky.

Overall, it was pretty good. The was interesting. I suggest you read this out loud to yourself and edit it Very HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery Happy
PM me if you need anything Very HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery HappyVery Happy

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PostPosted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 11:27 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm confused. Probably because there are two different threads for what appear to be two parts of the same story. >_> As far as I know, Elite, you have Line of Fire and this one (Thomas Pinewood: Elizabeth and Gregory) that you're writing, and it seems Line of Fire comes after this one, but I feel as if I've started reading from the middle. @_@ Help!

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