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BigBadBear
friendship has no color
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 Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 1:40 pm Post subject: Divine Beauty |
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Beauty is divine...
Beauty can reflect
The woman left inside
That monster of a pit.
Do not be so vain,
That you cannot see,
Everything that lay in sight
Everything...and me.
When I am left alone,
My heart...my life...
Feels so cold.
When you are here with me,
I feel beauty is divine.
When your heart reaches out to me,
I feel the passion, the heat.
Please don't leave me once again,
Stay here with me until the end.
But, alas! You cannot stay,
For the wind has blown you away
Into Heaven, into Hell,
I don't know which,
But I will try
To see you fly
Once again.
Now I know
About your secret between he,
The man who stole your heart
Was not him...
But me.
Shame you had to leave
This perilous world,
And leave me behind
To share the secret
With me. |
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Last edited by BigBadBear on Fri Nov 16, 2007 11:07 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Sureal
(i are RITER!!!)
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| Posted: Wed Oct 31, 2007 3:21 pm Post subject: |
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Hello BBB. 
I have to say, this is a definite improvement over Repunzal's Story. ^_^
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| That monstrous of a pit. |
This doesn't actually make any sense. 'Monstrous' is an adjective, and what you need here is a noun - 'monster', for example.
I'm guessing this is a typo, rather than intentional?
It's more common in modern poetry for each new line to not have to be capitalised, unless it's the start of a new sentance.
For example, you could have:
| Quote: |
When I am left alone,
my heart...mylife...
feels so cold.
When you are here with me,
I feel beauty is divine. |
But of course, whether you do this or not is up to you.
Also, I think you may have overused the elipse (...). Try replacing it with something it with something else - a comma, for example. |
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mizz-iceberg
...is BACK!
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| Posted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 1:28 am Post subject: |
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Sorry it took me so long to getting to read your poem. But I finally did and I have to say I agree Sureal, it's definitely an improvement from Rapunzel's Story. And the above has pretty much mentioned all the things I noticed so I shall not repeat them here. I find it annoying when all my reviews crtit. about the same thing. This poem is more serious and solemn than your previous work.
Great Job.
Icy. |
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blackstorm
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| Posted: Sat Nov 03, 2007 2:03 am Post subject: |
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I liked it. However, the "That monstrous of a pit." part doesn't make any sense. Are you trying to say "monstrosity" or "monstrous beast" or maybe just plain "monster"?
Anyway, it's your poem and I liked it a lot. Cheerio! |
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Fangala the Flying Feline
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| Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 2:47 pm Post subject: |
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| This is gorgeous. It seems like free verse and a defined rhyme scheme at the same time. I look forward to more of your poetry. |
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Pawprint
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Kim
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:43 am Post subject: |
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and bear scores again. i like how you write with emotion, just letting the words flow as you feel them. you can over critique yourself and lose some of the feeling.
i love it.
kim |
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LRabbit
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300 Points
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| Posted: Sun Jun 22, 2008 1:28 am Post subject: |
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| You write so beautifully! You were nice enough to take an interest in my writing so I thought I would check out something of yours real quick! If all of your writing is like this, I am impressed. I'm sorry if this sounds offensive, but at such a young age you have a beautiful voice. |
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