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thething912
Novelist
Gender: 
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 420
Reviews: 103
Country: America
385 Points
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 Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 5:14 am Post subject: Amore(Love). |
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Just to let you know it's not done yet.
Victor loses his job.
The boss is sitting in a leather chair in his office when he calls Victor into his office.
Boss
Victor come into my office!
Victor walks into the boss’s office. You see the boss sitting in a large leather chair waiting for Victor.
Victor
Yes sir.
BOSS
I’m sorry Victor but, we don’t need you anymore.
VICTOR
What? Why?
BOSS
You’re too slow and lazy. You rarely complete your work and you turn things in late. You haven’t completed anything this whole week.
VICTOR
But, I really work hard. I have even turned my work in early this week.
BOSS
That’s not what I am talking about Victor, you hardly ever complete anything and you take breaks when you’re not supposed to.
VICTOR
That’s because my back has been hurting all week.
BOSS
No more! Victor you’re fired!
VICTOR
You can’t do this to me, I have been working here for years.
BOSS
Out!
Victor leaves to get his things and walks out of the office very depressed.
AT HOME.
Carla
Hello father!
VICTOR
I have some bad news.
CARLA
What?
VICTOR
I got fired.
CARLA
Oh, sorry dad, that’s horrible.
VICTOR
I was kind of thinking that we should go to America.
CARLA
Um, why?
VICTOR
I was thinking that I can make more money over there.
CARLA
Okay.
VICTOR
Would you want to go?
CARLA
No, I love Italy.
VICTOR
I’m sorry honey but, we have to go.
CARLA
But, I don’t want to go!
VICTOR
We have to go.
CARLA
Well, what about my friends?
VICTOR
There will be some over there to meet.
CARLA
It took me years to make the friends I have, I don’t want to lose them.
VICTOR
You’re going and that’s that!
Carla walks out of the room very upset.
The Taxi ride.
Victor and Carla are standing outside the San Francisco airport when an old looking taxi pulls up. Victor is talking to the taxi driver.
VICTOR
How much will it cost to go to Sacramento?
Taxi driver
$34.
VICTOR
Okay.
Victor and Carla enter the taxi; Carla is talking to her father.
CARLA
Why are we going to Sacramento? I thought we were going somewhere else.
VICTOR
I thought we should stay with my brother sense he lives there.
CARLA
I didn’t know you had a brother.
VICTOR
Well, you never asked.
Carla looks confused. The taxi driver starts to talk.
TAXI DRIVER
So, where are you all from?
CARLA
We’re from Italy.
TAXI DRIVER
Oh, okay; buona notte!
victor and carla
Buona notte!
TAXI DRIVER
So, what brings you to America?
VICTOR
Well, I got fired from my job, and was thinking that they are better opportunities to make money over here plus, my brother lives here.
TAXI DRIVER
Oh, okay. Well, welcome to America.
VICTOR
Thanks.
They arrive at Giorgio’s house.
The taxi arrives at Giorgio’s house. Victor pays the taxi driver, then goes to meet his brother, Carla follows.
Giorgio
Welcome! Nice to see you all.
VICTOR AND CARLA
Thanks. It’s nice to see you also.
GIORGIO
Carla, let me help you with those bags.
Giorgio lifts two heavy brown bags and brings them inside the house.
CARLA
Thanks.
All three of them walk inside; Molly walks into the room.
Molly
Hi!
CARLA
Hi!
Carla is talking to Giorgio.
CARLA
Who’s that?
GIORGIO
Oh, that’s Molly, she is my personal helper.
CARLA
Oh, okay.
Carla goes to introduce herself to Molly.
CARLA
Hi, I’m Victor’s daughter Carla.
MOLLY
Nice to meet you.
CARLA
You also.
Carla is wanting to know more about Molly so she asks her more questions.
CARLA
How long have you been working for Giorgio?
MOLLY
About five years? So, what is Italy like? I’ve never been there.
CARLA
Oh, it’s wonderful; you should go if you ever get the chance.
Giorgio starts to talk.
GIORGIO
Let me show you to your rooms.
Giorgio and the others walk upstairs and enter a big size room.
GIORGIO
This will be Carla’s room, I hope you like it.
CARLA
Oh, it’s lovely.
Giorgio goes to the room on the right.
GIORGIO
And this will be Victor’s room. My room and Molly’s room are down the hall.
VICTOR
Okay.
Victor and Carla enter their rooms for the night.
Breakfast.
The next morning, Victor and Carla go downstairs for breakfast.
GIORGIO
Molly made ham, bacon, and eggs for us; enjoy.
Carla and Victor sit down at the table.
CARLA
I saw the horse on the way here. Is it ride able?
GIORGIO
Oh, yeah, her name is Fancy, we just found out that she is pregnant.
CARLA
Oh really? That’s interesting. Can we go out and ride her today?
GIORGIO
Sure. So, how did you all sleep last night?
CARLA AND VICTOR
We slept well thanks.
A few minutes later, they all finish their food and exit the room.
A horse ride to remember.
Giorgio walks into the barn with Carla.
GIORGIO
Let me just saddle her up for you.
CARLA
Thanks.
Giorgio put the rains and the saddle on Fancy. Fancy is a paint encase you were wondering.
Giorgio
Do you know how to ride a horse?
CARLA
No.
GIORGIO
To go you just give her a kick, to stop you pull back on the rains, to turn right you pull to the right and to turn left you pull to the left.
CARLA
Thanks.
Carla gives Fancy a kick and heads for the cornfield while there, she finds a man unconscious and decides to get him help as quickly as she can.
CARLA
Giorgio!
GIORGIO
What?
CARLA
I found someone in the cornfield.
Giorgio looks at the man.
GIORGIO
We better take him inside.
Giorgio and Carla take the unconscious man inside the house. Victor sees the unconscious man.
Rehabilitation.
VICTOR
What happened and who is he?
CARLA
I found him the cornfield, and, I don’t know who he is.
vICTOR.
Lets put him on the sofa.
CARLA
Good idea.
Victor helps to move the man onto the big black leather sofa.
CARLA
I think we should call a doctor.
Giorgio enters the room.
GIORGIO
There is no doctor for miles.
CARLA
Well, do you think he will be okay without one?
GIORGIO
I don’t know, we will have to wait and see?
CARLA
How long do you think he was unconscious for?
GIORGIO
Maybe a few hours.
CARLA
Well, I hope he'll be okay.
Carla waits for the man to wake up. The rest exit the room.
Awaking.
Seven hours go by when Willson finally wakes up. Carla is shocked to see the man awake.
Willson
What happened, and where am I?
CARLA
We found you in a cornfield.
WILLSON
What was I doing there?
CARLA
I don't know.
Willson tries to get up but has a hard time doing so.
CARLA
Here let me help you.
WILLSON
Thanks. So what is this place?
CARLA
This is my uncle's house.
WILLSON
Oh.
CARLA
So, do you have a name?
Willson thinks hard but can't recall his name.
WILLSON
I forgot my name.
Carla.
Is it okay if I call you Willson?
Willson.
Okay, why Willson though?
CARLA
Willson was one of my best friends, he died in a car crash when he was sixteen.
WILLSON
Sorry to hear that.
CARLA
Are you hungry? There are leftovers from breakfast.
WILLSON
Oh, yes, thanks.
CARLA
You're welcome. Here let me help you down there.
Carla helps Willson downstairs. Victor and Giorgio are happy to see that Willson is better.
VICTOR
It's nice to see that you are felling better.
WILLSON
Yeah.
Willson and the other go into the dining room.
Giorgio
Here let me get you some food.
WILLSON
Thanks.
Giorgio returns with a plate of food.
GIORGIO
Here you go.
WILLSON.
Thanks.
GIORGIO
You're welcome.
Willson starts to eat some bacon.
WILLSON
Wow, this is some good bacon.
GIORGIO
Thanks, Molly made it.
WILLSON.
Who's Molly?
GIORGIO
Oh, she is my personal assistant.
WILLSON.
Oh, okay.
Willson finishes his plate.
WILLSON
Thanks for the food.
Giorgio.
You're welcome.
Carla begins to talk to Willson.
CARLA
So Willson, is there anything you would like to do?
WILLSON
What is there to do here?
CARLA
Well, you could ride the horse or take a look at the animals. So, what do you want to do right now?
WILLSON.
I kinda fell like taking a nap.
CARLA
Oh, okay.
Giorgio walks into the room.
GIORGIO
Willson, come with me and I will pick a room out for you.
WILLSON
Okay.
Willson and Giorgio go upstairs.
GIORGIO
Here you can stay in this room next to Carla’s.
WILLSON
Okay, thanks.
Willson enters the room and takes a nap.
A nice walk
Carla comes into view.
CARLA
Hey, Willson! I was thinking about taking a walk want to go with me?
WILLSON
Um, okay.
Carla and Willson go outside the farm.
CARLA
Race you to the tree.
WILLSON
You’re on.
Carla and Willson start. Willson ends up winning.
WILLSON
So what do you want to do know?
CARLA
Want to go swimming in the pond?
WILLSON
Okay.
Carla and Willson walk over to the pond. Carla goes into the pond first.
CARLA
Well, are you coming?
Willson takes his shirt off and then enters the pond. Carla slashes Willson.
WILLSON
Hey!
Carla starts laughing and willson splashes her back.
CARLA
Hey, that’s not very lady like. Where are your manners missy?
Willson starts laughing from her joke.
CARLA
You know Willson you’re a very fun person to be with.
There is no answer.
CARLA
Willson?
Willson grabs onto Carla’s leg and pulls her underwater.
Carla
What were you thinking? You could have drowned me.
Carla slaps Willson
WILLSON
Ow. What was that for?
CARLA
Willson, you’re so stupid at times.
Later, they go back into the house.
Pulchritudinous eyes.
You see Carla trying to carry a heavy load of hay and then drops it.
WILLSON
Here let me help you with that.
Willson goes to pick up the hay when he notices Carla’s pulchritudinous eyes.
WILLSON
Oh, my darling, your eyes, they strike me so. It's like thousands of monkeys fighting over a banana. I feel like the dying banana, only because I can't stare in them all day long.
CARLA
Willson, you’re so silly. These are contacts my eyes are blue.
WILLSON
Oh.
Carla kisses Willson on the cheek for saying something nice about her. Willson blushes.
Planning to go to the mall
CARLA
I was thinking about going to the mall to do some shopping. Want to go with me?
WILLSON
Okay.
the shoe store
Willson goes and gets a very small shoe and tries to put it on.
WILLSON
Darn it, they won't fit.
CARLA
Stop acting like an idiot.
WILLSON
They’re only two ninety-nine if I can get them on. That’s a bargain!
CARLA
Stop being silly.
WILLSON
My bad.
Later they leave the mall.
Planning to go to the movies
Willson comes into view.
WILLSON
Carla, we’ve been friends for along time now and I think we should be something more. Will you go to the movies with me?
CARLA
Are you asking me out on a date?
WILLSON
Yeah.
CARLA
Okay, I’d love to go with you Willson.
WILLSON
Okay, the movie starts at ten.
The movies theater.
Carla and Willson go into the movie theater to watch “Romanzo” A few minutes go by.
carla
Oh, this part is good.
WILLSON.
[Bored] Yeah, sure is.
Willson puts his arm around Carla and leans in for a kiss; Carla sees him and puts her arm out to stop him.
CARLA
Stop!
Willson
What?
CARLA
You were trying to kiss me.
WILLSON
Oh, sorry.
A few hours later the play ends and they go home.
At the door
CARLA
I had a good time tonight Willson, we should do it again.
WILLSON
How about Saturday night?
CARLA
Okay.
WILLSON
Okay, see you then.
They enter the house.
Second date
WILLSON
I had a fun time on our last date. Would you like to go on another?
CARLA
Okay.
WILLSON
Okay, we are going to "Le Montique" at eight.
CARLA
Okay, see you there.
At the restaurant
Carla and Willson sit down at a big round table. A waiter passes by.
Waiter one.
Bonjour madam! What will you be having?
Carla looks at her menu.
CARLA
Le escargot svp.
WAITER ONE.
Et vous monsior?
WILLSON
Le escargot svp.
Five minutes later the waiter returns with their food.
Carla and Willson
Merci.
The waiter hands them their food.
CARLA
Wow, this escargot is really good.
WILLSON
It should be; it cost me thirty dollars. So, why did you move to America.
CARLA
My dad lost his job and thought it would be better if we moved here.
WILLSON
Oh, what was your dad's job?
CARLA
He was an accountant.
WILLSON
Oh, okay.
They finish their dinner and head home.
The beach
Willson pulls out a picnic basket and they start to eat. Later they take a walk around the beach.
CARLA
The ocean is so pretty.
WILLSON
Just like you.
CARLA
Thanks.
WILLSON
Can I ask you something?
CARLA
Sure?
WILLSON
Can I kiss you.
CARLA
Okay.
Willson pulls back Carla pulchritudinous hair and starts to kiss her. His lips inches in closer and closer until they finally reach Carla soft lips. Later they lie on the ground and start kissing.
WILLSON
You’re an awesome kisser.
CARLA
Thanks.
Will you marry me
Carla and Willson have been dating for six months and Willson is thin king about asking Carla to marry him. He sets up a romantic table outside under the moonlight.
WILLSON
Carla, I need to ask you something very important.
CARLA
What?
Willson gets down to one knee and opens a ring box.
WILLSON
Will you marry me?
CARLA
[Excited] Yes.
Willson and Carla hug and kiss.
Bad news
Giorgio goes to turn on the tv.
Tv.
Today, Germany has dropped a atomic bomb on France, France has declared war on Germany and is requesting Americas help. America says that they will need extra people so, they are reopening the draft.
GIORGIO
Can you believe this?
WILLSON
Believe what?
GIORGIO
France has declared war on Germany.
WILLSON
Oh.
Giorgio
And, they’re drafting people.
Drafted
Willson gets mail that he is being drafted and decides to break the new to Carla.
WILLSON
There’s something I need to tell you.
CARLA
What?
WILLSON
They picked me.
CARLA
Do you have to go?
WILLSON
Yes.
CARLA
I'll miss you.
WILLSON
You too.
The airport.
Carla drives Willson to the airport and kisses him goodbye at the gate Willson enters the plane. Carla leaves the airport and drives home.
Army base.
Sargent
"Welcome rats, you're the worse scum I've seen but it's my job to turn you pathetic excuses for men, into men that I can be proud of. I wish I didn't have to waste my time with you's. Due to the war I need to, so I don't like you. You don't like me. Now! Left turn! March over to that hut You shall find your uniforms."
The walk into a small building and pick out their clothes.
SARGENT
Okay, now that that is over it's time for you to get your haircut.
The men enter another building and get their haircuts.
Later, they go out to the field to take shooting lessens
Gun practice .
Sargent.
Okay, it's time to try out the guns. Take your guns and aim for the target.
The men aim their guns at the targets.
SARGENT
Once you have the gun on sight you may fire.
The men lock on to their target and fire.
SARGENT
Nicely done men. Now to test out the grenades.
The men pick their grenades.
SARGENT
Now take pull off the tab and throw the grenade.
The throw the grenades and blow their targets.
SARGENT
Nice job everyone.
The first battle.
Now that the men are ready to enter the war they get their first mission.
Sargent
Okay, men our mission is to move the Germans out of Poland. Now let's board that plane and move out.
Men
Yes sir.
The men enter the plane and go to Poland.
Poland.
The men our now over Poland near the town of Warsaw. The men are now force to jump out of the plane. After doing so they take on hostile fire. Once on the ground the men open fire on the German killing lots of them while at the same time losing lots of their men.
WILLSON
Grenade!
The men duck to avoid the grenade.
After that, they moves forward killing everyone in their way.
Sargent
Oh, shit, tanks! Willson, I need you to run back to point Alfa and get those anti tank weaponds.
Willson runs back to avoiding the gunfire in the process and gets the weaponds then, he aims the weaponds at the tanks and blows them to little peaces.
Sargent
Good job.
By this time the Germans have called in an Air rade so, the men run to take cover while most of them die but, Willson makes it to cover. Next, the Germans send in more renforcesments so now, the Americans are higly out numbered. So, the Americans plain to take out the German by using snipers sense they already control the roofs. One of the snipers aims his gun and shoot the German leader, leaving all the other Germans confused then the Americans sniper a few more until the number are on thier side then, they ambush the Germans leaving some of the other running for the hills.
The letter.
Carla gets a letter in the mail from Wilson.
Letter: “We recently got back from a long battle with the Germans unfortunately, many of our allies we last in the battle but we did mange to take out one of the major officers in the German army. Anyway, how are things at home? I hope to be home soon. Ps. I love you, Wilson. “ |
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Last edited by thething912 on Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:56 pm; edited 41 times in total |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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1421 Points
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| Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 2:37 am Post subject: |
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Realism. My main complaint is that you haven't done much to flesh the characters out or said things about them that will set them apart; their conversation is rather boring and flat.
Even in plays where small talk is taking place, the characters don't sound stiff...some of their personality still shows through. Here, they sound like people who have never heard of slang, colloquialisms, or sarcasm. Even when speaking in Italian, the diction is flat (of course, I'm judging by the English translation, but still).
So...think about how real people sound. How would you speak, or how might one of your friends or relatives speak in a situation like this? Make your characters like real people; they deserve to be depicted more realistically.
Foreign Language. While using Italian makes the characters more "real" it also makes half the play impossible for those of us who aren't bilingual. You could get away with putting it all in English so that we can take the play seriously.
Look at West Side Story--when all the Sharks and their girls are together, you'd think that they would speak Spanish. But they don't, they speak English so that an American audience can know what's going on.
I do like the Italian title though; that's a nice touch because it's a well-known phrase.
Good luck!
-Colleen |
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thething912
Novelist
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Country: America
385 Points
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| Posted: Wed Nov 21, 2007 3:11 am Post subject: |
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| Thanks for reviewing. I will try to make the conversations more interesting. And, I will get rid of the Italian. Do you have any ideas on how to make the conversations more interesting? |
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Someangel69
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Country: USA
300 Points
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| Posted: Thu Nov 22, 2007 2:41 am Post subject: |
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LOVE THE STORY BUT... you have a few things that should be fixeded. i found a few spelling errors, and i also thought about the flow of the story.
Your story should have more detail, and there should be a reason to why things happen, like willson, how does she go about saying a random name?? Why does she pick that name??
also why does she aske questions about that trip, why is her father fired, why do these things happen??
you leave your story very open ended, but other then that i think you have a pretty good story!!
Then again my reply isn't the best i can't even seem to get my story going, but i hope i help a little!! |
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little.angelfire
Nya?
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300 Points
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:29 pm Post subject: |
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I think you should add a bit more to act one. I don't know much about plays, but I think to make it a bit more realistic, Victor should try a bit harder and argue more to keep his job.
I also think you have some directions that the actor/tress would already pick up on, so they really aren't needed. For example, in act two: Carla: Questionably: “Why?”~ I don't think the "Questionably" is really needed. So it would be just fine if you cut these things out. Leave it to the actor/tress's and director to work out.
I hate to say it, but the beginning is just....there's really nothing there. maybe it's because I'm used to stories where there's more going on, unlike a script, but the flight scenes just seem useless. I think you should just take it all out. There's no real importance to it, except to show the fact that they're leaving. I suggest coming in when they get the bags, and actually telling the audience why the moved to America during the cab ride. The beginning is just so bland, and I have a bit of trouble picturing it on stage.
okay, instead of going over scene, I'm going to try and help you make the conversations more real. You have a good plot here, but it's really just taken away because of the blandness of your conversations. What I suggest doing is just thinking of what you would do in the same situation. When I write stories, I really do put my own thoughts into. I make up the situations and I pretend to be one of the characters. Put yourself in the play, put down what you would say if something said somethign to you. It takes practice, but it really pays off in the end. Plays are very boring if you don't have well-written dialogue, so you really have to work on it. You don't have a bunch of descriptions to cover it up.
Also, pace yourself. Don't rush all of your conversations. You can make a long script, because directors, if they are short of time, will make revisions to take some of it out. Make it long if you have to, it's okay. Length is another thing that I think will help you improve your conversations.
I hope my critique isn't too confusing XD. If you need me to explain myself, then bother me in chat and I will. I kinda skimmed through your work after a while (sorry >.<) so if you want me to look at a certain part, tell me in chat and I'll tell you what I think and how I think you can improve it. Okees?
--meow ^.^ |
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thething912
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385 Points
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:40 pm Post subject: |
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| Thanks little.angelfire. I will take your advise and take out the airport scene. And, try to make the conversations more real. Also, I will make them longer. |
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Maybe
Definitely.
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542 Points
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| Posted: Fri Nov 23, 2007 8:41 pm Post subject: |
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*Sorry it's late, thing. My dad kicked me off without even letting me save what i had already done. But here's my crit.*
Pretty good. You have the plot down and set, but the story/writing itself needs some patching up. Here's my suggestions:
Spelling and Grammar: Most of your mistakes are small and minor, but they're plentiful. You should seriously consider going back through your work and try to pick out as many mistakes as you can. It draws the readers attention away from the actual story when they have to read over stupid mistakes like the misplacement of a comma or two letters switched around in a word. But like i said, your mistakes are small so they aren't too distracting.
Flow: Your story flows pretty well, but the use of contractions would help tremendously. Instead of saying "I will" say "I'll" or instead of "Would have" say "Would've", especially when the characters are talking. Since your story is modern day, or close to it, making the speech more modern will make your story seem more realistic. Like Cade said, it seems as though the characters have no idea what slang or sarcasm or any of that other stuff is. Add more details, too. Have the characters interact like you or another person you know would talk/act.
Characters: This is a biggie. Your characters don't seem like real people to me at the moment. They're too alike. Have their own personalities show through a little more so they all don't seem like they're talking mono-tone all the time. Again, adding detail and contractions and adjectives to your characters speech will make them come alive. Make one of them really sarcastic and funny. Make one question everything that happens. Make one seem wise and thoughtful. Those are just examples, but if you add that to your characters personalities, it will help so much. A little bit of William's personality showed, and a little bit of Carla's, too, but everyone else just seemed too alike to be believable.
Setting(s): Most of the scenes in your story can be cut out to make it so much smoother. For instance, half of those airport scenes can be cut out or added to to make it more entertaining. I really disliked having to read like four scenes that could've and should have been cut out. Maybe it would look better in a actual play, but as of right now, they're just boring and hold no significance.
Romance: Honestly, other than William getting to his knees and asking Carla to marry him, the story didn't seem all that romantic. Maybe add a few more scenes with William dotting over Carla, or even of him just staring after her in amazement and love. I'm not great with coming up with romantic scenes but i can think of about three that would make your story so much better, romance wise. Brainstorm for a bit. You'll come up with something. 
So...basically fix those things and your story will be much more interesting and believable. I really liked it though, don't get me wrong! ^.^
Hope it helps!
-Maybe |
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smorgishborg
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286 Points
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| Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:22 am Post subject: Re: Amore(Love). |
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I just deleted my entire crit. Oh well, I'm not that easily discouraged!
This has too many mistakes for a basic description, so I've done a line by line in the spoiler.
PM me with any questions.
Click here to see the hidden message (It might contain spoilers)
| thething912 wrote: |
Okay, now it's done. I rewrote it some and added more love scenes.
Amore(Love).
Characters.
Carla is an affluent woman who comes to American from Italy. She has blonde hair and is twenty seven years old.
Willson is a man that Carla finds unconscious in a cornfield.
Molly is Giorgio’s personal helper.
Victor is Carla’s father. He has gray hair and is sixty years old.
Martello is Carla’s exboyfriend from Italy. He has black hair and is twenty five years old.
Giorgio is Victor’s older brother. He is fifty nine years old.
Introduction, after Victor loses his job, the family is compelled to move to America. There, Carla finds a man in a cornfield unconscious who has no idea who he is. Carla is forced to nurse him back to health, and, while doing so, falls in love with him and decides to marry him. But, right before the wedding, Carla’s exboyfriend comes to America and tries to take her back. And, two days before the wedding Willson goes missing. Will she pick her exboyfriend or will she remain with the man she found in the cornfield and why was he missing? Also, why was Willson in the cornfield?
Act One: Victor loses his Job.
Setting: A office.
The boss is sitting in a letter chair in his office when he calls Victor into his office.
Boss: “Victor come into my office!”
Victor walks into the boss’s office. You see the boos sitting in a large leather chair waiting for Victor.
Victor:“Yes sir.”
Boss: “I’m sorry Victor but, we don’t need you anymore.”
Victor questionably: “ What? Why?” He is losing his job. Surely he is a little more perplexed/angry then you make him out to be.
Boss:“You’re too slow and lazy. You rarely complete your work and you turn things in late. You haven’t completed anything this whole week.” Too blunt. He would beat around the bush more.
Victor: Trying to keep this job: “But, I really work hard. I have even turned my work in early this week.”
Boss: “That’s not what I am talking about Victor, you hardly ever complete anything and you take break when you’re not supposed to.”
Victor: “That’s because my back has been hurting all week.”
Boss: Angry: “No more! Victor you’re fired.!”
Victor: “You can’t do this to me, I have been working here for years.”
Boss: Livid: “Out!”
Victor leaves to get his things and walks out of the office very depressed.
Act Two: At home.
Victors enters though the front wooden door.
Carla: “Hello father!”
Victor: “I have bad news.”
Carla: “What?”
Victor: “I got fired.”
Carla: Felling sorry for her dad: Oh, sorry dad, that’s horrible.” She seems like she doesn't care.
Victor: “I was kind of thinking that we should go to America.”
Carla: “Why?” This is waaay to big an announcement to merit a simple "why?"
Victor: “I thinking that I can make more money over there.”
Carla: “Okay.” Wait, she agrees with this?
Victor: “Would you want to go?”
Carla: “ No, I love Italy.”
Victor: “ I’m sorry honey but, we have to go.” Too unrealistic that he goes from asking her opinion to forcing her.
Carla: yelling: “But, I don’t want to go!” and now, suddenly she reacts. Too late.
Victor: “We have to go”
Carla: “Well, what about my friends?”
Victor: “There will be some over there to meet.”
Carla: Not liking what Victor has to say but thinking things will be okay: “Well, alright then.” and she capitulates to quickly...
Act Three: The Taxi ride.
Setting: In a taxi.
Victor and Carla are standing outside the San Francisco Wouldn't New York be a more logical choice? airport when a oldlooking taxi pulls up. Victor is talking to the Taxi driver.
Victor: “How much will it cost to go to Sacramento?”
Taxi driver: “$34.” Perhaps with the declining dollar and the strength of the Euro, it may feel this cheap, but it sure as hell isn't..
Victor: “Okay.”
Victor and Carla enter the taxi; Carla is talking to her father.
Carla: “Why are we going to Sacramento? I thought we were somewhere else.” She strikes me as an ignorent, foolish, girl completely in the thrall of her father. I doubt this is you intention.
Victor: “I thought we should stay with my brother sense he lives there.”
Carla: “I didn’t know you had a brother.”
Victor: “Well, you never asked.”
Carla looks confused. The taxi driver starts to talk.
Taxi driver: “So, where are you all from?”
Carla: “We’re from Italy.”
Taxi driver: “Oh, okay; buona notte!”
Victor and Carla simultaneously: “Buona notte!”
Taxi driver: “What brings you to America?”
Victor: “Well, I got fired from my job, and was think that they are better opportunities to make money over here plus, my brother live here.
Taxi driver: “Oh, okay. Well, welcome to America.”
Victor: “Thanks.”
Act Four: They arrive at Giorgio’s house.
Scene One: Greeting.
Setting: Outside and Inside the house.
The taxi arrives at Giorgio’s house. Victor pays the taxi driver and then goes to meet his brother, Carla follows.
Giorgio: “Welcome! Nice to see you all.”
Victor and Carla simultaneously: “Thanks. It’s nice to see you also.”
Giorgio: “Carla let me help you with those bags.”
Giorgio lifts up two heavy brown bags and helps bring them inside.
Carla: “Thanks.”
All three of them walk inside. Molly walks into the room.
Molly: “Hi!”
Carla: “Hi!”
Carla is talking to Giorgio.
Carla: “Who is that?”
Giorgio: “Oh, that’s Molly, she is my personal helper.”
Carla: “Oh, okay.”
Carla goes to introduce herself to Molly.
I recommend striking this because Carla should simply introduce herslef when they first meet.
Carla: “Hi, I’m Victor’s daughter Carla.”
Molly: “Nice to meet you.”
Carla: “You also.”
Carla wants to know more about Molly so she asks her more questions.
Carla: “How long have you been working for Giorgio?”
Molly: “About five years? So, what is Italy like? I’ve never been there.”
Carla: “Oh, it’s wonderful; you should go if you ever get the chance.” This conversation should go on longer and include more questions. Let us learn about the characters.
Giorgio starts to talk.
Giorgio: “Let me show you to your rooms.”
Giorgio and the others walk upstairs and enter a big size room.
Giorgio: “This will be Carla’s room, I hope you like it.”
Carla, “Oh, it’s lovely.”
Giorgio goes to the room on the right.
Giorgio: “And this will be Victor’s room. My room and Molly’s room are down the hall.”
Victor: “Okay.”
Victor and Carla enter their rooms for the night.
Act Two: Day two at the Giorgio’s house.
Scene One: Breakfast.
Setting: In the dinning room of Giorgio’s house.
The next morning, Victor and Carla go downstairs for breakfast.
Giorgio: “Molly made ham, bacon, and eggs for us; enjoy.”
Carla and Victor sit down at the table.
Carla: “I saw the horse on the way in. Is it rideable?”
Giorgio: “Oh, yeah, her name is Fancy, we just found out that she is going to have a baby.”
Carla: “Oh really? That’s interesting. Can we go out and ride her today?” A bit presumptuous. She probably ought to be more humble.
Giorgio: “Sure. So, how did you all sleep last night?
Carla and Victor simultaneously: We slept well thanks.” The simultaneous talking is getting very creepy. Only once or twice please!
A few minutes later, they all finish their food and exit the room.
Scene Two: A horse ride to remember.
Setting: In the barn.
Giorgio walks into the barn with Carla.
Giorgio: “Let me just saddle her up for you.”
Carla: “Okay.”
Giorgio put the rains and the saddle on Fancy. Fancy is a pant Could be a technical term that I don't know, but otherwise it isn't a word incase you were wondering.
Giorgio: “Do you know how to ride a horse?”
Carla: “No.”
Giorgio: “To go you just give her a kick, to stop you pull back on the rains, to turn right you pull to the right and to turn left you pull to the left.”
Carla: “Okay, thanks.”
Giorgio: “You’re welcome. Well, have fun riding her.” With that kind of a crash course she'll kill herself for sure. She probably should have ridden a horse before.
Carla: “Okay, I will.”
Carla gives Fancy a kick and heads for the cornfield while there, she finds a man unconscious and decides to get him help as quick as she can.
Carla: Yelling: “Giorgio!”
Giorgio: “What?”
Carla: “I found someone in the cornfield.”
Giorgio comes running.Giorgio looks at the man.
Giorgio: “We'd better take him inside.” No exclaimation of shock? No surprise? Do men just drop out of the sky in California?
Giorgio and Carla take the unconscious man inside the house. Victor sees the unconscious man. ... and what does he think?
Scene Three: Rehabilitation.
Setting: The livingroom.
Victor: “What happened? and who is he?”
Carla: “I found him the cornfield, and, I don’t know who he is.”
Victor: “Lets put him on the couch.”
Carla: “Good idea.”
Victor helps to move the man onto the big black leather couch.
Carla: “I think we should call a doctor.” In situatrions such as these, people generally do not give suggestions, they give orders. "Call the doctor!", "Put him on the couch!"
Giorgio enters the room. You didn't say that he had left.
Giorgio: “There is no doctor for miles.” In California? Really?
Carla: “Well, do you think he will be okay without one?”
Giorgio: “I don’t know, we will have to wait and see?”
Carla: “How long do you think he was unconscious for?”
Giorgio: “Maybe a few hours.” ...and why does he think this? People need to explain their opinions...
Carla: I just hope he’ll be okay.”
Giorgio: “Yeah, so do I.”
Carla waits for the man to wake up. The rest exit the room.
Scene Four: Awaking.
Seven hours go by when Willson finally wakes up. Carla is shocked to see the man awake.
Willson: “What happened, and where am I?” Nice, he appears to have woken up the moment she enters the room. Unrealistic.
Carla: “We found you in the cornfield.”
Willson: “What was I doing there?”
Carla: “I don’t know.”
Willson tries to get up but has trouble doing so.
Carla: “Here let me help you.”
Willson: “Thanks. So what is this place?”
Carla: “This is my uncle's house.”
Willson: “Oh.”
Carla: “So, do you have a name?”
Willson thinks very hard but can’t recall this own name.
Willson: “CarpThis is hilarious. Carp is a kind of fish. Crap is... crap., I forgot my own name.”
Carla: “Is it okay if I call you Willson?”
Willson: “Okay. Why Willson though?”
Carla: “Willson was one of my best friends, he died in a car crash when he was fifteen. WOAH! If I was "wilson" I would strongly object to being named after a dead former friend. Bad bad bad.
Willson: “Oh, sorry to hear that.”
Carla: “It’s okay. So, do you know how old you are?” Dumb question. Rephrase it as: "So I guess you don't know your age either?"
Willson thinks hard but can’t recall his age. Carla wants to know if Willson is around her age.
Willson: “No, I don’t remember my age.”
Carla: “Oh, okay. Well, it is nice to know you.”
Willson: “You also.”
Carla: “Are you hungry? There are some leftovers from breakfast.”
Willson: Oh, yes, thank you.”
Carla: “You’re welcome. Let me help you down there.”
Willson: “Okay.”
Carla helps Willson into the dinning room. Victor and Giorgio are happy to see that Willson is conscious.
Victor: “It’s nice to see that you are feeling better.”
Willson: “Yeah.”
Willson and the others go into the dinning room.
Giorgio: “Here let me get you some food.”
Willson: “Thanks.”
Giorgio returns with a plate of food.
Giorgio: “Here you go.”
Willson: “Thanks.”
Giorgio: “You’re welcome.”
Willson starts to eat some bacon.
Willson: “This is some good bacon.”
Giorgio: “Thanks, Molly cooked it.”
Willson: “Who is Molly?”
Giorgio: “Oh, she is my personal helper.”
Willson: “Oh, okay.”
Willson finishes his plate.
Willson: “Thanks for the food.”
Giorgio: “You’re welcome.”
Carla begins to talk to Willson.
Carla: “So Willson, is there anything you would like to do?”
Willson: “What is there to do here?”
Carla: “Well, you could ride the horse or take a look at the animals.” Isn't this a bit irresponsible? Why does Carla keep coming across as so stupid?
Willson: “Well, I guess when I fell better I will ride the horse.
Carla: “Okay, so what do you want to do right now?”
Willson: “I kind of fell like taking a nap.” duh
Carla: “Oh okay.”
Giorgio walks into the room.
Giorgio: “Willson, come with me and I will pick a room out for you.”
Willson: “Okay.”
Willson and Giorgio go upstairs.
Giorgio: “Here you can stay in this room next to Carla’s.”
Willson: “Okay thanks.”
Willson enters the room. A few minutes later Carla goes to see Willson and finds him undressing.
Willson: “Hey, do you mind?”
Carla: Embarrassed: “Oh sorry.”
She closes the door and stands outside the room looking embarrassed and walks away.
INTERMISSION! This is where it ought to go.
Scene Five: The start of love.
Setting: Out of Giorgio’s house.
Carla and Willson go into the barn to ride Fancy. Willson offers to help Carla mount the horse.This is... several days later I presume?
Willson: “Let me help you mount her.” I cringed at this line. Sexual innuendo!
Carla: “Okay, thanks.”
Willson helps lift her up onto the horse then mounts himself onto the horse. Fancy is going really slow because Carla is still getting used to riding her.
Willson: Tired of waiting: “Any day now.”
Carla: “God, you’re so impatient.” Yeah he is. That line comes out of nowhere. When did he get so cynical?
Willson: Sarcastically: “I’ve seen continents move faster than this.”
Carla kicks the horse really hard and they almost fall off.
Willson: Yelling: “Slow down!” Wilson is coming across as an idiot...
Carla pulls back on the rains and Fancy kicks her feet up into the air. Willson falls off the horse.
Carla: “Ow!” I thought Wilson was the one hurt.
Carla goes to see if Willson is okay. Willson is lying on his back and appears to be hurt.
Carla: “Are you okay.”
Willson rolls on top of Carla and they starts to kiss. TOO FAST!!!!!!! THAT CAME OUT OF NOWHERE! HOLD ON! LET THE AUDIENCE AT LEAST FEEL SOME SORT OF CONNECTION BEFORE THEY START MAKING OUT!
Carla: “Oh, Willson.”
Willson: “What?”
Carla “You’re such a silly person.”
Willson: “Yeah, I know.”
Willson notices Carla’s eyes.
Willson: “Your eyes are like two pools of blue.”
Carla: “My eyes are black, I’m wearing contacts.”
Willson: “Oh.” funny.
Willson and Carla decide to take a walk around the farm. Willson and Carla walk past some flowers.
Carla: “Those flowers are really pretty.”
Willson: “Just like you.”
Carla: Confused: “Why are you acting so romantic?”
Willson: “I think Cupid has shot me with one of his arrows?” If any guy uses this set up, they will NEVER EVER GET DATES. EVER!!!!
Carla: “Huh?”
Willson: “Carla, I think I love you.”
Carla: “Oh, well that’s really nice of you Willson.” It's more then nice... 
Willson: “Do you love me also?”
Carla: Unsure of what to say: “ Yeah, I think I do.”
Willson: “Well, that’s good.”
They start to kiss again.
They hold hands and go back into the house.
Act Three: Day three That was fast. at Giorgio’s house.”
Scene One: Planning to go to the fair.
Setting: The livingroom.
Giorgio comes into view.
Giorgio: “There is a fair in town today. Would anyone be interested in going?”
Willson: “I'd like to go.”
Willson goes to ask Carla if she wants to go.
Willson: “Would you be interested in going to the fair with me?”
Carla: “Um, okay.”
Willson: “Okay, good.”
Scene Two: The fairground.
Setting: At the fairground.
Willson and Carla walk past the fairest wheel.
Willson: “What to ride the fairestAnother innocent funny mistake. The Ferris Wheel is named after a guy named Ferris. Fairest has nothing to do with it. wheel with me?”
Carla: “Okay.”
Willson and Carla go to enter the fair wheel while doing so Willson plans a move on Carla... for the third time...
Carla sees Willson puts his arm around her; Willson leans in for a kiss.
Carla: “Oh Willson.
They start to kiss. I don't care.
Willson and Carla walk by a one of those games where you have to hit the thing with a mallet and it has a scale to see how hard you hit it. anyway, I forgot the name of them. Willson goes to try to win Molly I hope you mean Carla a prize and manages to hit the thing hard enough to make it all the way up the scale.
Carla: Thinking to herself: “Wow, he’s really strong.”
Willson hands Carla a prize.
Carla: “Thanks.”
Later the family two finish riding all the rides and decide to go back home.
Scene Three: A night in Willson’s room.
Setting: Willson’s room.
Carla walks into her room to find ticks all about her bed.
Carla: “Ew! What is that?”
Giorgio enters the room.
Giorgio: “Oh those are ticks, the dog most have been in here.” Shouldn't apologize.
Willson enters the room.
Willson: “You can sleep in my room if you want.” Blatant. Every 13 year boy know what is about to happen next.
Carla: “Okay, thanks Willson.”
Carla and Willson go into Willson’s room.
Carla: “Can I sleep on the bed?”
Willson: “Sure. I’ll just sleep on the floor.”
Carla: “Oh, you can sleep on the bed also if you want.” *cheesy* ooooooooo
Willson: “Okay.”
Carla goes into the bathroom to change into her nightgown. Willson goes to sleep on the bed Carla follows. Willson lies on his back and Carla rests her head on this chest.
Willson: “I can’t take this anymore.”
Carla turns to face Willson.
Carla: “What?”
Willson: “I love you too much.”
Willson gets off the bed and bends down to one knee.
Willson: “Carla, I love you.”
Carla heart stars to race.
Willson: “Carla, Will . . . ”
Carla almost faints. You bet she does. Two days and a marriage. This harkens back to older musicals like Guys and Dolls, where Sky marries Sarah after one night. Only... these two are so young, I keep thinking they're going to regret this in two years or less.
Willson: “Will you marry me?”
Carla: In shock: “Yes.
Willson: “What?”
Carla: “I said yes.”
Carla pulls Willson shirt off and they start to make out. Remember what I said about the 13 year old boys?
Act Four.
Scene One: Martello comes to America.
The doorbell rings and Giorgio answers it.
Martello: “Hello!”
Giorgio: “Who are you, son?”
Martello: “I’m Martello Carla’s ex-boyfriend.” And how exactly did he find her so quickly?
Giorgio: “Oh, I will go tell her that you’re here.”
Martello: “Okay.”
Giorgio goes to get Carla.
Giorgio: “Carla, there is someone here to see you.”
Carla goes over to the door to see Martello standing there.
Carla: In shock: “Martello it’s nice to see you.” Why doesn't she eask him how the hell he got here and followed her?
Martello: “It’s nice to see you also.”
Carla: “I want you to meet a friend of mine.”
Martello: “Okay.”
Carla goes to get Willson.
Carla: “Martello, this is my friend Willson.”
Willson talks to Carla.
Willson: “Who’s he?”
Carla: “Oh, that’s my ex-boyfriend Martello.”
Martello: “Nice to meet you Willson.”
Willson: “You also.”
Martello: “So, Carla how have you been?”
Carla: “Good thanks. Are you hungry? Molly has made dinner for us.”
Martello: “Oh, yes, thank you.”
Martello goes into the dinning room and the rest follow.
Martello: “Hey Carla, want to hear a joke?”
Carla: “Okay.”
Martello: “Okay, so, this horse walks into a bar and the bartender says, hey why the long face?” Why did the Pirate go to the movie? Because it was rated ARRRRRRRRRRR!
Thought that was fitting.
Carla starts to laugh. Willson starts to become envious of Martello and starts to eat his food rapidly.
Carla: “Something wrong Willson?”
Willson: “Huh?”
Carla: “Why are you eating so fast?”
Willson: “Oh sorry.”
Willson starts to eat slower. A few minutes later they are all done eating and exit the room.
You have explained nothing about Martello.
Act Six: The wedding.
Setting: On the beach.
Scene One: The limo shows up.
The limo shows up and “Here come the bride” starts to play. Carla walks down the aisle.
Preacher: “Who takes this lovely women to be wed?”
Victor: “I do.”
A few minutes go by.
Preacher: “Willson, do you take Carla Brutini to your lawfully wedded wife?”
Willson: “I do.”
Preacher: “And Carla, do you take Willson to be your lawfully wedded husband?”
Carla: “I do.”
Preacher: “You may now kiss the bride.”
Willson kisses Carla. Victor puts his hand over his heart and falls to the floor.
Carla: “Dad!”
Willson turns around.
Willson: “Someone call 911!”
A woman goes to call 911.
Carla: “Dad are you okay?”
No answer. The ambulance shows up.
Act Seven: A mystery solved.
Scene One: A talk with the doctor.
Setting: Outside Victor’s hospital room.
Carla goes to talk with the doctor.
Carla: “What happen to Victor?”
Doctor: “You dad is really sick we found out that most of his heart has gone bad.”
Carla: “Is he going to be okay?”
Doctor: “I don’t think so, sorry.” That sucks.
Scene Two: Victor’s death.
Setting: In Victor’s hospital room.
Victor wakes up.
Victor: “I want to tell you something.”
Carla: “What?”
Victor: “I put Willson in the cornfield.”
Carla: “What do you mean?”
Victor: “I wanted you two to meet so, I hit him over the head and dragged him into the cornfield.” So many questions are unanswered. But the foremost of which is: WHY DIDN'T VICTOR JUST INTRODUCE THE TWO NORMALLY?!?
Carla: “Oh.”
Victor dies.
Carla: “Well, that was very thoughtful of you.”
No answer.
Carla: “Dad?”
No answer.
Carla starts to notice that her dad was pasted away.
Carla: Crying uncontrollably: “No!”
Willson walks in to see Carla crying and decides to support her.
Carla: Crying uncontrollably: “He’s dead.”
Willson: “I’m really sorry.” Is that all he can say?
The End. |
Okay. *rolls up sleeves* The first and foremost problem of this is that there are too many errors. I've corrected most of them, anything in bold is my edit. I also removed certain letters which I didn't note, but I'll tell you that "ridding" is actually spelled "riding".
In general, this story was too cliche, too rushed, too melodramatic. It felt like a spanish soap opera or a bollywood movie. The dialouge was often unbelievable, characters weren't voicing very obvious thoughts they should have been having. There was one too many make out scenes, and the romance was incredibly rushed.
The plot desperately needs fixing, the resolution to the mystery was so bizarre and implausible that the audience will walk out after watching this laughing. I said the romance was rushed, the least you could do it have Carla get pregnant and have them marry when they find out. That would help to explain the hastiness of it all. And completely strike the ex-boyfriend and Molly out. There is no relevence to those parts, nor is there any chemistry. Your one fix there would be to have those two fall in love as well.
You absolutely need to work on your characters, especially Carla and Wilson. As the leading actors, we care nothing for them in the slightest. I don't care about their romance. The character I like the most is the Taxi Driver, followed by Giorgio, and then the Boss.
The dialouge was really bland and uninspired. Even then, the worst is when a character clearly should be asking a question and they don't. Flesh out your scenes by going as far as you can with each one. It feels so unbelievably rushed, (everything does) you need to fill each scene up completely with dialouge, instead of short snippets of conversation.
I credit you on the length, you clearly put effort into this. Now you need the effort to completely overhaul this and make it more palatable.
Good luck. |
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Last edited by smorgishborg on Sat Nov 24, 2007 1:36 am; edited 3 times in total |
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Cade
Stores writing utensils in a flowerpot.
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| Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 12:53 am Post subject: |
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| thething912 wrote: |
| Do you have any ideas on how to make the conversations more interesting? |
Watch real people, and watch TV. Look at how people interact both in the real world and on television. You'll find that they don't all speak like they do in a first-year Spanish book.
Unrealistic:
Joe: "Hello, Jane. Welcome to my home."
Jane: "Greetings, Joe. Thank you for inviting me."
Joe: "Please come in. Would you like a cold beverage?"
Jane: "Why, thank you, Joe. Here, I brought you a gift."
Joe: "My, a gift! Oh, look, a sweater, just what I have always desired!"
No. Just no.
There's no easy way to make your dialogue realistic. But you have to 1) Make your characters talk more like real people and 2) Make a character's speech specific to his personality. Where is he from? How does that affect his diction? Where does he currently live? Does he have any idiosyncrasies in his speech that set him apart from other characters? Can his speech betray anything about his fears or insecurities? (Example: A character with a lisp avoids words with "s" sounds. A character who's trying to impress his smart friends uses long words a lot, even though he doesn't understand them.)
Good luck!
-Colleen |
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smorgishborg
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286 Points
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| Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 9:53 pm Post subject: |
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thething912,
One of the most cruical things that if wrong with this play is your methodology. You seem to be trying to write a flawless draft every time. You say you've rewritten this three times now. I say it's time to get a plot and stick to it!
I've read a book about the greatest broadway flops of all time. One of the telltale signs of a flop is a major rewrite just days before showtime. The producers get jitters and order an overhaul. The rushed product is always worse then the former. Often, writers may need to bite the bullet and accept that what they've written is not the next Casablanca. Your task is not to rewrite the ending each time it take a hit. Your job should be to make the script the best that it can be within the perameters already set out.
In my critique of your show, I critisized quite a few aspects of it, including the plot. I told you that you needed to overhaul the script. However, I want to tell you that I meant for you to keep the same plot that I had read, but liven up the dialouge, remove certain lines and scenes, and add some extra details.
I'm not even going to bother doing a line-by-line critique of your latest effort. You still have not adressed the most simple elements which conspired to bring down the first two editions. Cade has done a fine job of illuminating the difficulties with your dialouge. I corrected many of your mistakes in my line-by-line.
There are some people on these forums who do not listen to critiques, and never follow up on their work. You do follow up, and you do listen, and you do seem to be genuinely interested in making this story work. But it pains me to see the way that you are going about this. Please, please, stick to your guns. Please, your next effort to me or anyone else to proofread before you post it again.
Thank you. |
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thething912
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 18
Joined: 01 Sep 2007
Posts: 420
Reviews: 103
Country: America
385 Points
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kinzygirl223
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 66
Reviews: 59
Country: USA
200 Points
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| Posted: Sat Dec 15, 2007 6:45 pm Post subject: |
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I thought it was good.
Still i thought that there was a few things wrong.
The way everyone is always saying stuff simultaously is actually annoying at times.
Try using other phrases if you have to do that. Like Carla and Wilson answered at the same time. Only do better then what i just did.
I also thought that things between Wilson and Carla moved to fast.
Draw it out more to help the reader understand what they are feeling.
If you give them a real relationship with problems then the readers will feel more when he has to leave for war.
You should aslo make it so the scene where he gets his letter longer. More intense.
Make the readers feel like they are Carla feeling the pain of your true love leaving.
Maybe add some scenes explaining how they plan the wedding, telling her dad. Maybe her dad doesn't approve. All these things would add something to it.
And don't just listen to everything i say, make it your own.
PM me if i was to harsh just trying to help.
Good story though |
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Rigel
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 12 Jul 2007
Posts: 115
Reviews: 105
Country: Third star in Orion, and straight on at the speed of light for 800 years.
300 Points
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| Posted: Tue Dec 18, 2007 2:46 am Post subject: |
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| The sex scene at the end was funny, perhaps intentionally. If you don't want that to be funny then change it right now. |
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