Topic ID: 18094
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Fandilocks
Minxfrau. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 23 Jul 2006 Posts: 1350 Reviews: 368 Country: Cockaigne 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Jul 23, 2007 4:12 pm Post subject: Leave Your Message at the Tone |
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Hello, this is—
How may I help you today?
Is it a matter of life and death,
or the hum of pocket jingles?
Breathe in deep—smell the coffee,
ignore the formaldehyde,
it’s not my fault. He told me—
but yes, pocket jingles, so I said,
true, true, I did; ma’am may I help you?
You hear the keys click like bones
popped out of joint, like jaws
gnawing at grit; like fingernails
tapping on the Formica in the foyer—
ignore, please, how the fluorescent lights
denude the stains in the carpet.
It was here when my grandfather had
this desk. Here are his initials;
yours go here. Sign the dotted line.
Crack your knuckles. Take off your ring
and pick up the phone.
I’ll be with you tomorrow. |
_________________ A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep.
Last edited by Fandilocks on Mon Aug 13, 2007 7:22 pm; edited 2 times in total |
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TheEccentricScribe
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 21 Joined: 14 Nov 2006 Posts: 147 Reviews: 104
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 12:48 am Post subject: |
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As you know, poetry is not my area, so I am a poor critique when it comes to matters of style in the genre. As far as content goes, I do like it; it captures the frustrations of the business world and office work rather well. There are "gaps" in the narrative voice: "Hello this is-," etc, which help to highlight that harried feeling, the incompleteness that goes with dealing with people barely view the associate as a real person; that goes both ways, of course . . . and traces of defensiveness, the sort of "this isn't my fault, I just work here" frustrations that everyone feels when working for a big, lunky organization. Overall, I like the content of the poem, and think it does what it's trying to do. Again, poetic linguistics aren't my thing, but I have a couple of points:
I don't particularly care for pocket jingles being described as humming. Since "jingle," obviously standing for money, connotes a sort of metallic sound, whereas humming is more of a machinery noise. The clash is pretty subtle, but I think finding a different word would make the phrase better: maybe noise, sound, even clash, clink, etc.
Secondly, the line florescent light/highlights has the word light twice . . . I realize this might be intentional, but I don't really like it. It's a repetition which doesn't really fit with the cadence or style of the poem. I'd stick with florescent light, since that emphasizes the office-oriented nature of the poem's subject, so I'd find another word, a synonym for highlights: "draws attention, underscores, illuminates, reveals," etc.
I particularly enjoyed the lines: "Crack your knuckles. Take off your ring/pick up the phone." It really brings to the fore the sort of confrontational feelings stirred when dealing with the irate and obstinate masses, lol. |
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Fandilocks
Minxfrau. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 23 Jul 2006 Posts: 1350 Reviews: 368 Country: Cockaigne 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Jul 24, 2007 6:41 pm Post subject: |
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^^ Thanks, Tony.
There is a play on jingle in here, juxtaposing the word's links to both money and advertising; maybe I need to clarify that? Anyway, that's where the humming comes from.
I see what you mean about the "flourescent lights/highlights" dealio. I'll fix that one. Thanks for pointing it out. ^^ |
_________________ A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep. |
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xanthan gum
gummyface! Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 13 Sep 2005 Posts: 991 Reviews: 683 Country: Scenic New Jersey 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 1:15 am Post subject: |
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"please ignore", perhaps, would flow off the tongue easier - that is an important aspect to this poem, correct? |
_________________ Carpe Diem. |
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Suzanne
verbivore Writer of Legend

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 21 Sep 2006 Posts: 6963 Reviews: 1747 Country: Riverbluff, MO 734 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 1:54 am Post subject: |
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I think "Ignore, Please" fits the jumpy tone of the poem.
I know I gushed all over you in the PM but now I'm just going to re-ramble about it ^_~
I love the way it feels jumpy, but it flows. I feel like I'm in the office area, and my brain is melting, and I'm bored, and I've just signed my soul away, agreeing that I'll sit in this room for hours on end and answer phones and do nothing--but what did I get out of it? I love the poem in this most immensely unspeakable way ^_^
I feel without you having to state the emotion, which I think means you transcended the second level of poetry, yes? People won't say, "It needs more emotion," they'll say, "Wow, I feel it." But where is the emotion hiding? In between the lines.
And that is why your poetry will always kick my poetry's butt XD
EDIT: Er, I forgot stuff. As to the title, it is perfect. Way better than anything I could have ever come up with! Go bake in your poetic perfection :p |
_________________ Dr. Bishop: Am I required to keep him alive?
-Fringe
What am I reading? |
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Fandilocks
Minxfrau. Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 20 Joined: 23 Jul 2006 Posts: 1350 Reviews: 368 Country: Cockaigne 300 Points
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Posted: Wed Jul 25, 2007 12:37 pm Post subject: |
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Gummy: Thanks! It's not supposed to flow quite perfectly, though; as Clau mentions, it's got a jumpy--or as I prefer, distracted--feel. The speaker's the quintessential bureaucrat, after all, with far too much on his plate. ^~
Scooz: Poetic perfection? xD Thanks. I'm glad you like the title! I was worried about it... o0. |
_________________ A poet's work is to name the unnameable, to point at frauds, to take sides, start arguments, shape the world, and stop it going to sleep. |
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Gadi.
OBAMA FOR PREZ Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 06 Aug 2007 Posts: 938 Reviews: 393 Country: I wish it was in my comfy bed, under the covers... 229 Points
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Posted: Fri Aug 24, 2007 5:55 pm Post subject: |
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| Wow! I liked it! It was really intriguing, though I had to read it a second time in order to really understand it. It really gave off the feeling of an infuriating day of the secretary. |
_________________ my world isn't only beautiful
it is so far away |
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Wolf
ςђเคг๏รςยг๏ Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 13 Joined: 25 Oct 2007 Posts: 1381 Reviews: 567 Country: Wherever my imagination takes me 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:20 am Post subject: |
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Wow!
That was really, really good. I loved how if flowed and I dunno, it just sounded really good
I'm not very good at reviewing poetry, and well, there's nothing else I can say...
That was awesome!
Great job,
.:Ayra:. |
_________________ " My books are water; those of the great geniuses are wine. (Fortunately) Everybody drinks water. "
- Mark Twain (1835-1910)
♥ Got YWS? The user formerly known as: Ayra Help much appreciated! |
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GingerLizzy
But The Tops Of Carrots Are Green Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 19 Aug 2007 Posts: 1077 Reviews: 461 Country: England 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 2:29 pm Post subject: |
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I loved the little jump frog rhythm of it all; it moved at a fast pace but kept that poetic edge. It was a different idea as well, which intrigued me into what was actually happening, then I realised and just though - oof, this is clever.
A good idea you have here, nice one; in lame-man's terms. I think I said that wrong...
GingerLove
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_________________ Worship the ginger monkey aaand join my new group!
Oh, and enter my new contest! |
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Kit
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 25 Jan 2007 Posts: 133 Reviews: 80
300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 11:07 pm Post subject: |
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This is so deliciously frenetic.
Now, I will notice around here there tends to be an anti-modernist/post modernist sentiment, and I'll admit terrible things have been done with stream of consciousness, but this, this gives the whole technique new credibility. This is Delillo on speed, this is accessible Joyce, if such creatures can be imagined.
This reminded me most of the works of William Kentridge, the South African Artist, especially, "Zeno Writing", his surreal shadow puppetry, his charcoal addition subtraction animation, that kind of energy, the tactile sensation of writing's creation, of the pulses of living in your words. This energy is beautiful counterbalanced by your delicate specifics, I like the bones simile especially very evocative. This is imagery sleek as a bullet to the brain and I loved every moment of it. |
_________________ Princess of Parataxis, Mistress of Manichean McGuffins |
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