Topic ID: 22335
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Jasmine Hart
Laced With Darkness Speaker of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 19 Joined: 03 Jun 2007 Posts: 786 Reviews: 318 Country: Ireland 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 10:34 am Post subject: Cinderella |
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The clock’s face is blank now I’m without you.
All substance trickles through my hands like tears
Though lessons are stored, I don’t have a clue
What bitter sweetness could assuage my fears
Of sitting by fires, long since gone out,
My face smudged with cinders which cannot fade.
Despite magic poured, I must always doubt
The true solidity of the joys made.
My pumpkin was smashed, that’s all that it was,
Halloween horror with one stroke of light.
At least I ran before darkness because
Better to weep than be wed to the night.
My last hope fragmented like my glass heart.
Love’s a void promise which tears you apart. |
_________________ "How poetic you are,' she said, "I have a notion that poetry is the highest form of self-deception." - Gregory Maguire
Last edited by Jasmine Hart on Mon Nov 19, 2007 9:02 am; edited 1 time in total |
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jonny911
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 14 Joined: 03 Oct 2007 Posts: 203 Reviews: 62 Country: Amereuroafristrallsia... Nevermind. 300 Points
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Posted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 1:32 pm Post subject: |
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| Good flow, and I felt it was really powerful. "Halloween Horror with one stroke of light" seems a little off-topic for me. Overall, I really wouldn't change much (poetry isn't my strong point, however). |
_________________ "Son, what do you want to be when you grow up?"
"A felon!"
"Are you sure?"
"Yah! This kid at school says they get all the girls!"
"I should try that..." |
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Kim
Novelist

 Gender:  Age: 16 Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 338 Reviews: 317
300 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 5:29 am Post subject: |
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This very good, i like the discriptions you use.
It is hard to read though, try and break it up into paragraphs. Large blocks tend to keep people from reading all the way through.
you also need to add some periods at the end of your sentences. Try reading it out loud to your self. When you pause put in a comma or a period.
other then puncuation errors, this is great.
kim |
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Sharon
Junior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 30 Oct 2007 Posts: 19 Reviews: 19 Country: Malaysia 300 Points
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Posted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 8:04 am Post subject: |
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"The clock’s face is blank now I’m without you"
I don't get that part. Awesome, awesome poem, though.  |
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Jared
because bears do it better Master of the Forum

 Gender:  Age: 15 Joined: 07 Oct 2007 Posts: 1559 Reviews: 585 Country: USA 1064 Points
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Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:25 pm Post subject: |
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Whoa...that was really good! I liked how you described the whole....you know the ball and midnight. It flowed pretty good. You used correct punctuation which really made me happy.
Good job!
BBB |
_________________ If you're a Mormon writer who wants to get to know other people like yourself, or if you're someone who wants to learn more about our church, join The Mormon Club.
"Even a poor tailor is entitled to some happiness!" - Fiddler on the Roof |
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Audy
Senior Writer

 Gender:  Age: 18 Joined: 10 Nov 2007 Posts: 156 Reviews: 53 Country: USA 300 Points
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Posted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:07 pm Post subject: |
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I really love this! I think you did an excellent job, your word choice was great and it flowed very well! ^_^ |
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