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Ink and Tongue
Ink and Tongue

by Maybe in Storybooks
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Narrative Poetry

This thread was created on November 18, 2007
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Cinderella
Topic ID: 22335
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Jasmine Hart   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 10:34 am    Post subject: Cinderella Reply with quote

The clock’s face is blank now I’m without you.

All substance trickles through my hands like tears

Though lessons are stored, I don’t have a clue

What bitter sweetness could assuage my fears

Of sitting by fires, long since gone out,

My face smudged with cinders which cannot fade.

Despite magic poured, I must always doubt

The true solidity of the joys made.



My pumpkin was smashed, that’s all that it was,

Halloween horror with one stroke of light.

At least I ran before darkness because

Better to weep than be wed to the night.

My last hope fragmented like my glass heart.

Love’s a void promise which tears you apart.

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Last edited by Jasmine Hart on Mon Nov 19, 2007 9:02 am; edited 1 time in total
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jonny911   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 18, 2007 1:32 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Good flow, and I felt it was really powerful. "Halloween Horror with one stroke of light" seems a little off-topic for me. Overall, I really wouldn't change much (poetry isn't my strong point, however).

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Kim   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 5:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This very good, i like the discriptions you use.

It is hard to read though, try and break it up into paragraphs. Large blocks tend to keep people from reading all the way through.

you also need to add some periods at the end of your sentences. Try reading it out loud to your self. When you pause put in a comma or a period.

other then puncuation errors, this is great.

kim
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PostPosted: Mon Nov 19, 2007 8:04 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

"The clock’s face is blank now I’m without you"

I don't get that part. Awesome, awesome poem, though. Very Happy
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PostPosted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 4:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Whoa...that was really good! I liked how you described the whole....you know the ball and midnight. It flowed pretty good. You used correct punctuation which really made me happy.

Good job!


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PostPosted: Tue Nov 27, 2007 10:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I really love this! Very Happy I think you did an excellent job, your word choice was great and it flowed very well! ^_^
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