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Gadi.
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 Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 1:07 am Post subject: Deleted! |
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Last edited by Gadi. on Tue Feb 26, 2008 5:52 am; edited 4 times in total |
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Azila
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| Posted: Fri Aug 31, 2007 10:03 pm Post subject: |
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I really like this piece. I like how you wrote it (second person makes anything seem new and different... and personal) and what it is about --the mother going insane. A moving anti-war piece. The sad part about this piece is how terribly realistic it is... Anyway, let's get on with it, shall we?
It is difficult for you to rise from the bed and water the plants on the ledge of the window. It is too painful a day to wake up; every day is, actually, but this one is the worst.
Too many the's. Take out the first one.
You stop mopping the floor, stand still and look down at your two veined feet.
Comma after two.
Tears flame at your pupils but you can’t, no, you can’t break down just then.
Now, not then, yes?
You then wash the plate in the sink and place it on the table for all guests to see, even if there never were any.
Are, not were, yes? Remember that this piece is in present tense!!
The bed mattress is still as stiff as ever, the pillow bouncy, the linen soft and flowing in your hand.
Should be an and after still rather than an as.
Then you edge to your own bed to have an afternoon nap, a nap to stop time and begin one to just forget it all.
It may just be me, but the second part of this sentence doesn't make much sense.
One-forty-three
You say this a few times, make it one-hundred and forty-three. That's the way they say it where I come from, anyway.
He had knocked on your door. Said your son, he had passed away, fallen in the war. Fighting for a cause, a good cause. Cause of death unknown, he said. But his life’s cause was to save his country, that he isn’t only your son but Israel’s son. The country is cradled in his arms, and when he had died, he sheltered it from the fire that must have rested in the Arabs’ soul.
This whole section is really choppy. I don't know if that was what you were going for or not, of course...
You remember those words, you remember the tears, and you also remember the man’s name. You hate that name.
Maybe mention the name??
I LOVE the last line.
Keep it up! I don't understand why nobody has critted this yet!!!!
~Azila |
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nickelodeon
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| Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 2:32 am Post subject: |
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This was really, really good.
"The country was sheltered in your arms." Maybe i'm missing the whole point of this sentence, (most likely) but it doesn't make sense to me. Maybe the country was sheltered in HIS arms? meaning the son's? It is a really good visual (sheltering a country in someone's arms,) just clarify who's arms we're talking about.
"Then, stinging darts of anguish and disillusionment find their mark on your chest,..."
I love this line. Again, a wonderful visual.
In the fourth paragraph, you list a few years, twelve, thirteen, etc. Is this how long he's been in service? How long he's been dead? my best guess is how long he's been serving, but clarifying that point would make the story flow better.
Overall, really good job. I usually don't like sob stories, but this one really caught my attention and seemed wonderfully realistic. (even if it was sad.)
=) |
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Riedawriter23
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| Posted: Sun Sep 02, 2007 10:46 pm Post subject: |
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First of all, full of feeling. I cried reading this and that doesn't happen very often. I also loved the way you put it into second person, great addition and it emphasized the emotion that it had.
1.You stretch your fingers on the pillow, trying to feel where his skull once rested and inhale the scent of perspiration that still remains from scorching Israeli nights, him twisting in the bed, clutching the end of his pillow, like a lost slug melting in the sun trying to reclaim his shell.
**Incredibly great symbolism here, but it's a run-on sentence and it was hard to read through. Maybe cut it in half at: trying to feel where his skull once rested and inhale the scent of perspiration that still remains from scorching Israeli nights. Watching him twist in the bed, clutching the end of his pillow, ...and so on.
2.You dream of tucking a little boy in his bed, hugging and kissing him for the night, cooking his lunch every morning for him, sending him off to school, crying with him when he’s sad, sniggering at his stupid jokes, cuddling him, telling him stories about his ancestry, reading a book to him, watching TV with him sitting on your lap…so many things you remember but long for the forgetting of.
**Again, major run-on. And also you may want to change "but long for the forgetting of" to just "but long to forget." It reads easier.
3.One hundred and forty-three people have died that year, you hear a man on the radio, one hundred and forty-three people died this year from the conflict with the Arabs and we all must remember them; one hundred and forty-three
**I think you used One hundred and fourty-three one too many times here. You SHOULD emphasize it the way you did but when you said that she heard a man on the radio saying it, it momentarily confused me since it was already said.
4.Parents watching over them like angels. Their vigilant eyes always searching for trouble, a bruised knee or a yank of pigtail.
**After trouble there should be a period. Either that of you could say "like a....". Also A yank of pigtail sounds sort of odd, maybe "or the yank of a pigtail". Also I think after trouble there should be a semi-colon.
5.How you wish you were standing there, watching your son, bruising a knee, falling on the ground. How.
**I like this part, but the punctuation seems a little off. I think that watching is also too little a word if you compared the other parents compassion to that of angels. Hmm, "How you wish you were standing there, guarding your son from a simple fall or bruised knee. How." Eh, sounds a little better... I like how you but "How." at the end of this. You'd said the word how so often but then after this one it seemed alright to have so many.
6.You don’t know whether to bawl or rush and clinch him when the book floats in his palm.
**Clench doesn't really seem like the right word because it usually implies anger. ie. "she clenched her fists" possible the word embrace would work here? Or something of that nature. And when she was choosing to bawl or run to him, was she going to bawl because she said the book floating in his hand and knew he wasn't real?
***Okay that was all! I really loved this. Tell me when you make any changes and great job! 
Keep it up!
~Rieda |
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Misty
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| Posted: Mon Sep 03, 2007 12:05 am Post subject: |
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| I can't even say anything. I can only sit here and be wowed. |
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canislupis
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| Posted: Sun Sep 23, 2007 12:21 am Post subject: |
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Wow, this was really good. Most of the errors I found have already been pointed out. I have to say I really liked this. The emotion felt very real, and the whole thing was very moving. Your language is overall very visual and descriptive, which is a really good thing. I at first though that the main character was just sortof angry about war, but then you realize what was in the character's background......
Anyway, I really liked this. |
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JFW1415
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| Posted: Mon Sep 24, 2007 7:01 pm Post subject: |
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This was really good. Most of the second person I have read makes the story sound odd, but this fit perfectly. Kudos on writing it this way; second person and present tense are hard!
~*~
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| It is difficult for you to rise from bed and water the plants on the ledge of your window. |
This sentence seems to take away from the flow of the story. I'd scratch it.
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| Tears flame at your pupils but you can’t, no, you can’t break down just now. |
This also doesn't flow that well. I'd change it to 'Tears flame at your pupils but no, you can't break down just now.'
| Quote: |
| You dream of tucking a little boy in his bed, hugging and kissing him for the night, cooking his lunch every morning for him, sending him off to school, crying with him when he’s sad, sniggering at his stupid jokes, cuddling him, telling him stories about his ancestry, reading a book to him, watching TV with him sitting on your lap…so many things you remember but long to forget. |
This sentence sort of drags. Break it up, or take some of the examples out.
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| Yarin. You hate that name. |
I love the short sentences here. They're really powerful.
~*~
This was really moving. I nearly cried while reading it. The doves, though a small part, really added to the story. I'm not sure about the title, though. I'm not too fond of the current title, but I also don't like 143 too much. I'm terrible at titles, though, so I can't offer any suggestions, sorry. 
~JFW1415 |
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Gadi.
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| Posted: Wed Nov 14, 2007 5:56 am Post subject: |
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Thanks ya'll: you really raised my self-whatever it is. It really made me happy that you felt this was moving (because that's the feeling I was aiming for.  )
Anyway, thank you again. I think this piece was the most improved I have ever...well...you understand. In the beginning it was in third person, ugly verbs, unemotional, really just nonsensual crap--but you helped me transform it into a real beauty.
Thanks! |
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