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The Grim Life
The Grim Life

by gryffgotgame in Fantasy Fiction
Young Writers Society Forum Index » Action/Adventure Fiction

This thread was created on November 1, 2007
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Midnight Darkness Prologue

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BigBadBear   View This User's Portfolio
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 12:36 am    Post subject: Midnight Darkness Prologue Reply with quote

This is my NaNo novel. I hope you like it! It's about werewolves!

_______

Prologue: Wolfgang the Terrible

“Trick or Treat!”

An elderly lady came to the door with a wide grin on her face. “Oh! Oh, my! What do we have here?” She looked out through the screen door and saw a six-year-old boy smiling. His father was standing next to him.

The six-year-old was in a shaggy dog lupine looking costume. The old lady couldn’t recognize it. She opened the screen door with a bowl of candy in her hands. The bowl was orange.

“So, dearie, what are you tonight?” she asked kindly. The boy frowned and stepped back, too shy to answer. He put his arm around his dad’s leg. The dad laughed and patted him on the head. “He’s a werewolf this year. Isn’t that right, Landon?”

Landon stood there. He didn’t answer.

The dad laughed again and said, “Landon, go and get your candy and lets go home. We’ve done enough tonight.”

Landon quickly grabbed a handful and put it in his blue pillowcase. The case was really full, and getting heavy, the woman noticed.

“Well, thanks a lot!” she said kindly to them. The father turned around and waved. Then he turned back and walked little Landon back home.

“We’re home!” David shouted. He looked at Landon and said, “Go take off your costume. It’s getting late and it’s a school night.”

“But, Dad!” Landon protested.

“No buts! Go!”

Landon huffed and puffed and went back to his room. His room was his favorite place in the world. He could do anything – everything – in there. And he did.

He slowly stripped out of his ugly werewolf costume. That costume itched like crazy! There must have been something inside of it.

As he pulled off the leggings, he saw something out the window. It was quick; like it was there and then it was gone. To him it looked like a big dog. He was curious and ran to the window. Nothing was out there but a few more teenagers going trick or treating.

Landon, keeping an eye on the window undressed and pulled on some dinosaur pajamas. The pajamas were tight fitting, just like Landon liked. He liked that feeling of being surrounded, but not claustrophobic. He liked to know that he was protected. He glanced down to get his left foot through the legging, and he saw it again. Just a quick little gray flash run by his window. His head jerked over and he ran over to the window again.

He could see it.

He couldn’t believe it.

There was a huge dog out in his front yard. Really big. It was the biggest dog he had ever seen. Its gray fur was sleek and smooth, and it reflected the full moon’s gaze. Its head was turned and Landon gasped.

It was looking at him. Landon scooted closer to get a better look, and the wolf dog disappeared.

Landon stood there, not realizing the dog was gone, but when he noticed that the moon’s glare was not reflecting anymore, he turned around. He pulled on a T-shirt and suddenly stopped.

His bedroom door was slowly creeping open.

Landon didn’t move. He couldn’t. Was it that dog thing again? Could it be? Wouldn't his Dad have fought the monster off? Would his Dad let this monster come and get him?

The door inched forward, and Landon could now see behind the door. He gasped. David Maxfield walked in.

“Hey, little buddy. Ready for bed?”

Landon nodded and stifled a yawn. He turned around and slowly crept into bed. He then realized that he was dead tired. “Ok, good night, sport.”

“No! Dad! Wait!” Landon cried. David turned around and looked at his only son. “What?”

“Dad, tell me a story, please? I want to hear a story about a werewolf!” Landon asked, his big brown eyes pleading with his father. David sighed and grabbed Landon’s desk chair. He swiveled it over to Landon’s bedside and stopped.

“So, what story do you want me to tell you?”

“”One about a werewolf, Dad! I just told you!” Landon laughed. David smiled and thought. Did he know any stories about werewolves? If he did, they weren’t coming to him. Suddenly, a great story popped up into his head.

“Oh yeah! Ok, now listen closely, ok, Landon?” Landon nodded.

“Ok, let me think…all right, now I remember. This story is about Wolfgang the Terrible.” His father said, and then started into the story.

As a cub, Wolfgang was considered an outcast from the pack. Werewolves, as you know, are really similar to dogs and wolves. They travel in packs, and have a ‘leader’ of the pack. Back then, Artimus was the leader of the pack, and brave werewolves would challenge the leader every year.

Wolfgang did terribly. He was a very weak boy when he was first bitten. It is unlikely that you know that werewolves cannot have babies. The only way for their population to increase is to bite other people. But, they try not to bite girls, because they can’t hold the werewolf genes very well, but that is another story for another time.

Well, throughout Wolfgang’s life, he trained and trained and trained to become the leader of the pack. He had masters that he followed and friends he could rely on. At last, when he finally did conquer Artimus, the whole pack stood back.

With Artimus’s body on the ground, Wolfgang claimed leadership and the dominant ruler of the werewolves. He loved hate and chaos; peace and happiness were not his style . He thought that werewolves should be greedy and horrible, and so they became that.

Throughout the years, Wolfgang taught the werewolves to become vicious and bloodthirsty. They went into war with their enemies, the Vampires. They won the first time, because the Vampires were surprised. The blood-sucking breed wanted peace in their lives, and they attained it. Wolfgang could not tear them apart, so the Vampires would tear Wolfgang apart.

The last war that killed off the werewolves was terrible. Wolfgang was the only survivor out of millions. The Vampires had won, and he admitted it. With dead werewolf bodies lay askew on the ground, Wolfgang fleed out of America for the last time. We believe that he made a settlement somewhere in Canada called Fort Wolfgang. I believe that is where he lives now, but we cannot be sure.

Fort Wolfgang was used as a sort of headquarters for the werewolves. Wolfgang repopulated the werewolves again, and one day in the future, he knew, the Vampires would die.

“Good night, Landon. Sleep tight. Don’t let Wolfgang bite.” David chuckled. He had thought that was pretty amusing. He had totally forgotten about Wolfgang. His father had that story to him when he was just a kid. David remembered those days. He shook his head and walked out of Landon’s room.

Landon was terrified. Not because of the story, but because of what he had seen out the window before his father had come in. Landon knew that what he had seen was not a big dog. He knew it was a werewolf.

He looked out into the dark, Halloween sky and cuddled with his blankets. Whatever it was couldn’t get him now. He was safe, back at home. Nothing could eat him. Nothing.

And then the window unlocked itself. Landon’s eyes flashed towards the glass window, smudged with dirt and grime. Even through its dirty frame, Landon could see it outside.

It was waiting for him. There, in the dark. It had one paw on the window, and was using the other three for support. The werewolf was huge; the biggest thing Landon had ever seen, but yet, its features were if those as a dog or a wolf.

Landon heard a small cry, and realized that it was he. The thing was trying to get in! Its paw was obviously using force to push the window up. At last, Landon felt a cold wisp of air travel through his room. He threw the covers over his head and waited. In the dark. Where no one could save him.

He saw the window open more through his covers, and he saw a big black shadow jump through, and landed silently. Landon froze. It was in his room!

The black shadow crept up to him. “Go away!” Landon whispered to himself. It moved closer. And closer.

And then it was on him.

Landon screamed as loud as he could. He jerked the covers off and gasped.

His mother was bending down to him, to kiss him. “What?” she said, and pulled back.

Landon looked at the window. It was closed. Landon’s heart slowed down. There was nothing in his room. It was all fake…wasn’t it?

“Good night, honey.” She bent down and kissed him on the check. Landon stared at the window and finally went under his covers, and fell asleep.

_________________________

Can you guys tell me what you think?


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Last edited by BigBadBear on Sat Nov 24, 2007 3:21 am; edited 2 times in total
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 4:34 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

wow bear, this is awesome. the only thing i found was , in one sentence you used had three times, probably a typo.
but that is it. your writing is changing, you are getting so good . not that you werent before. but this is great.

kim
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PostPosted: Fri Nov 02, 2007 10:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I found other grammar issues and little things like that, but I always leave them up to other people to look for.

I do enjoy the innocent feel of the prologue, and the mystery it ends with.

"The six-year-old was in a shaggy dog wolf-y looking costume. The old lady couldn’t recognize it. She opened the screen door with a bowl of candy in her hands. The bowl was orange." When you say "dog wolf-y looking costume" it really doesn't work for the story. It makes it sound kinda choppy, and just throws off the mood. Maybe go into better detail with the costume, and come up with some else to say for that, because it really throws it off, which is a shame.

I actually think that you can even add to the little boys innocence. I can't exactly explain how to do this, but I think it might add even more to this if you show the boys age through his actions.

I can't exactly think of anything else to say, but I'd like to compliment you on when the father tells Landon a story. I think you did that very well with the way the story was interupted with the "What? You didn't know?"

yep, that's it ^.^

--meow

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2007 1:22 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I think this is the best work of your's that I've read so far. Other than some typos, there wasn't anything I noticed wrong with it. I really liked how you incorporated Halloween and the werewolf trying to get Landon. Also the way we're left wondering if the werewolf is even really there. Nice job, can't wait to read the rest!
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PostPosted: Sat Nov 03, 2007 4:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

*Shudders* Oh, gosh! That was creepy!

I will just say this: I did see little nitpicky mistakes, grammer and such, but i think the others got most of it. Anyway, this is Nano. editing is for next month. ^_^

Can't wait to read the rest of it!!

Sachiko

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

I'm not much on werewolves, but I really enjoyed this! It's incredebly unique, and I loved how it was only his mother kissing him, that worked out nicely.

I don't really have a whole lot to say on it? I decided not to critique grammar since it is NaNoWriMo. It's a good beginning, and certainly interesting. Keep it up!

I'd say the only thing you could do to improve is to try to do less telling, but even then, it's still good. I liked how childish Landon seemed--it's cute.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 2:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sup BBB.

Alright, when I got about half way through your story, one word sprang into my mind: Cliche.

Of all the horror movies I have seen or read, there is often an info dump by one character and then the horror appears. This is the case with this piece. It's been done to death. Info by one character to another character/s then the horror appears and gives them some scares. When the MC's mother was telling him a story, I just skimmed past it as it was hardly thought provoking.

Your characaters were also quite bland in my opinion. They feel like cookie cut outs and have little to no personality. We were given little insight of them as a character. Think over your characters carefully and make them feel more involved with the horror in the story. Make us care about them. Make us feel their horror. Use actions to portray their character more. Right now, I hoped that the main character actually gets killed off.

On the other hand, your descriptions were done well and establishes the setting well. Also, the dialogue for the characters feel quite natural at times and fits them well, though they feel a bit forced in other parts.

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PostPosted: Sun Nov 04, 2007 11:18 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Landon, for one, acts too old. He acts more like he's sixteen other than six. If he acted his age, it would be more believable.

And when you said "Vampires like peace and calamity", I got lost.

Calamity--great disaster

Peace--harmony


But that's all I have to say. Thank you for revewing "Eighteen Hundred Seconds" !

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PostPosted: Mon Nov 12, 2007 11:24 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

I loved it. although it sucks that there aren't any girl werewolves. Sad

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PostPosted: Thu Nov 15, 2007 7:48 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey Bear,

Sorry, but it seemed quite stited in places, and a few typos really detracted from the overall impact.

Conversely, I loved the premise. I would be very interested in reading a revision and the sequel.

To me, on a scale of 1-10 it would be a 6, but it could easily make an 8 or 9 with minor editing. If it flowed smoothly it would be great piece.

Nothing personal--I just think we can always do better.

Great first look though,

Blue

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 2:21 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey there BBB! I'd be glad to crit your NaNo. I took a look at your profile and it seems you've been quite prolific with this story. Good job.

The critique:

This piece had it's ups and downs, it's pros and cons. I thoroughly enjoyed Landon's character who was very true-to-life and realistic and was also pleased with how the "werewolf" was his father and mother, so to speak. Very cleverly done. Your dialogue wasn't half bad either. Kudos.

However, this piece suffers from a bad case of the cliches. The whole werewolf-vampire premise has been used a thousand times over and, undoubtably, will be used a thousand times in the future. You're walking a thin line, my friend. I hope that as the story progresses you throw in something unique and different, a few twists maybe. Be careful with this. Also, the transition from trick-or-treating to bedtime was rushed. One minute they're at the old woman's door, the next he's putting on his pajamas. Take some time to describe walking home and - while you're at it - David's personality. That lag time between trick-or-treating and bedtime would enhance the pacing and make us more attached to the characters.

You're grammar is terrible. Absolutely atrocious. Go back over this with a fine tooth comb and root out the mistakes. I've noted a few errors below, but gave up flagging them because they were so goshdarn abundant. Please correct this. It will make this piece - and ultimatley you're novel - better.

One last problem I had: your voice. For the most part, it was entertaining and had a certain innocense about it, but at times it became childish and somewhat immature. Your lack of vocabulary attributes to this. Use a thesaurus -- don't go overboard, but use a thesaurus. Also consider using some similes and metaphors in this. Writing is art. Like painting. Similes and metaphors are your colors and pastels. Don't confine yourself to broad strokes. Fine details are what make masterpieces.

Some nitty-gritty:

Quote:
with a huge grin on her face


Find a better word for "huge".

Quote:
The six-year-old was in a shaggy dog wolf-y looking costume. The old lady couldn’t recognize it.


"Wolf-y" isn't a word. "Lupine", however, which means the same thing, is. Please change. If you don't want "lupine", just cut out "wolf-y". It seriously dumbs down the story.

Quote:
she shouted to them.


Shouted in this context seems negative. Like she's angry with David and Landon. It's just a little confusing.

Quote:
though probably he didn’t even know that word.


Cut this line out. It's irrevelent and heavy.

Quote:
He sighed because he knew that he had not had a very fun night.


You can cut this as well. And besides, why didn't he have fun? You didn't explain that very well.

Quote:
It was real quick; just like it was there and it was gone.


Use a thesuarus for the bolded word and make the second portion easier to digest. Consider, " just like it was there and it was gone."

Quote:
leg part


Leg or legging works just fine.

Quote:
Wouldn’t his dad of fought him off?


Poor grammar. Consider: "Wouldn’t his dad have fought the monster off?"

Quote:
“So, what story do you want me to tell you?”

“”One about a werewolf, Dad! I just told you!”


This just seems like word filler. You don't need this exchange at all. Take it out.

Quote:
Wolfgang, the Terrible.”


No need for a comma there.

Quote:
every brave werewolf would have to challenge the leader every year.


You use "every" twice here in close proxemity which throws the syntax off. Find a different word or cut one out.

Quote:
Wolfgang did terrible.


Grammar again. "Wolfgang did terribly."

Quote:
exceed is to bite other people


The word you're looking for is either "increase" or "succeed".

Quote:
peace and happy was not his thing


The content of this sentence seems awkward and contrived, but if you're determined to keep it fix "happy" to "happiness".

Quote:
The blood-sucking breed wanted peace and calamity in their lives, and they sustained it.


Calamity is the opposite of peace. It means disaster. Fix this. Also, sustained doens't seem like the proper word in this context. "Maintain" would be a better here.

Quote:
limped out of America for the last time


How does one "limp out of America"?

Quote:
“Ah!” Landon screamed as loud as he could.


This, I'm sorry to say, was laughably weak. Cut what's shown above. Please. It's for the good of the story.

----------------------------------------------

Anyways, you've got a nice start here. I want more! So I'll look over the next few chapters in the near future.

See you around, then.

-Kylan

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PostPosted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 3:12 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Hey thanks. I'll go back and edit this next month. But for the things that you pointed out, Kylan, I'll go and edit right now.

Thanks a ton!

BBB

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