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Sgt.Pepper
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 Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 10:43 pm Post subject: Sunchips and Coke |
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Yay, I walked proudley
down the empty dark alleyway
I didn't come last
I came third...last
But there was something missing
So I bought something for my victory
Sunchips and a one dollar coke
Now feeling whole, I ate the chips
now feeling half, I drank the pop
So now i feel empty
What a wierd day. |
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ohhewwo
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| Posted: Sun Mar 27, 2005 11:31 pm Post subject: |
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That's pretty wierd. But I enjoyed it. It made me laugh. But I did have to copy and paste it and blow it up to read it. If you want much more crit, you should fix that. |
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nickelpickle
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| Posted: Mon Mar 28, 2005 2:22 am Post subject: |
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Yay, I walked proudley
down the empty dark alleyway
I didn't come last
I came third...last
But there was something missing
So I bought something for my victory
Sunchips and a one dollar coke
Now feeling whole, I ate the chips
now feeling half, I drank the pop
So now i feel empty
What a wierd day.
tHERE YOU GO...bLOWN UP....
Okay then... Let me go through the poem for you.
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| Yay, I walked proudley |
Horrible beginning, it wasn't strong and proudly was spelled wrong.
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down the empty dark alleyway
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It sounds better "down the dark, empty alley way. (space between alley way I believe)
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I didn't come last
I came third...last
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I don't evn know how to fix it...The concept was good, I guess, but you need a different way to say it. Maybe "I didn't come last"
"I came in third... or last."
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Now feeling whole, I ate the chips
now feeling half, I drank the pop
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Now, (comma) feeling whole, I ate the chips. ( period)
Now, (capital N and a comma) feeling half, I drank the pop. (period)
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So now i feel empty
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Add a period to the end. The ending was horrible. How unoriginal, boring, and strange. This poem wasn't really a poem, it didn't have a point and was a hopeless rambling. Try again. |
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And these mistakes you've made, you'll just make them again
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filmcanister
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| Posted: Tue Mar 29, 2005 3:25 am Post subject: |
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i honestly can't figure out why you opened with "yay." it's distracting.
what would be funny is if you capitalized Whole, and left half un-capped.
if you came third, you'd be one third. so buying the stuff was two thirds (one third an item), and sunchips and coke were each a negative half? explore mathematical relationships in this. what does action do? what does consumation do? is there a formula? it's like saying that active making is only a third of a whole (what consitutes a whole? explore.) whereas eating (<3) is detrimental. det. ri. men. tal. |
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Elizabeth
1 Piece To The Original YWS Couple
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antigone
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| Posted: Wed Jul 06, 2005 10:22 pm Post subject: |
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| Yeah, it's weird, but I liked it for some reason. I liked the 'What a weird day.' line. I have no idea why it's so cool, but it definitely is. Great poem. |
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