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Firearris
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 Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 4:23 am Post subject: The flower fields |
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“All the children should be kicked out! That way our population will stay low enough.” A strange man said, about five adults were meeting: the mayor, the clothes maker, the hunter, and someone they don’t know well that they call Tricken.
“Well good sir, if we got rid of the children the town’s population would be too low! Us adults would all die and there would be no one left in the town. Also, some children might not get married and might not have children themselves.” The woman said.
“Meeting over! She has made her point and I agree!”
“But mayor!”
“Meeting over, sir.” Everybody separated, except Tricken grabbed the woman and pulled her to and inside his house.
“What can I give you to make you stop going against me in the meetings?”
“Nothing.”
“What do you like?”
“I like the flower field! I will always be with the flowers, they will be my deathbed, and I will be with them on there death.”
“I will keep that in mind. You are a strange woman, clothes maker.
“So they say, but so are you.”
“I am not a strange woman, for one thing I am a man and I am not a clothes maker!”
“True, but you are strange.”
“You embarrassed me at the meeting fraulein. Therefore you owe me. I make things called matches. Tomorrow I will show you how they work. Meet me in your ‘special spot’ tomorrow.”
“Okay.” He walked her to her house and stayed there a while talking to her about the meetings.
“Um, I will be right back.”
“Where are you going?”
“Restroom.” He went to the Bathroom and replaced her shampoo with a different bottle. He left the bathroom and started walking towards the door out of the house.
“I have to be going now.”
“Bye, see you tomorrow, Tricken.” After he left, she went to sleep for the night. When she woke up, she took a bath and washed her hair, when she was done she went to the flower fields and saw he was waiting there holding a match.
“Ready miss?”
“Yes.” He pulled out a piece of wood and scraped the match until the match flamed.
“Watch and learn.” He held out the match and dropped it on the flowers and watched the whole field catch fire.
“NOOOOOO!!!!!” She shouted she ran to the man and slapped his face as hard as she could, she was crying. Tricken pulled the woman close and kissed her, but he knew what he had to do for his rights. He ended the kiss and the woman began to back away.
“How could you?!” She cried out. He did not respond, he picked her up, her struggling did nothing, and he got closer to the fire and put her down.
“Please don’t do it!” but he did, he pushed her in and turned his back. He went to a hill and watched the fire at a distance, and then he said:
“The flammable sap from those flowers is very easy to get in a shampoo bottle.” |
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Vernon
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| Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:13 pm Post subject: |
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... .... (O_O) Ah... Erm... *takes a deep breath* Okay sorry but god that so scared, the title doesn't suggest something scary. This was freaky, I suspected him but when it came to him doing deed... God. I know not much help. I'm trying. Okay you're missing setting and scenery description. I understand at you're age, and to scare me that was good. Rewrite this get some detail of characters and scene. I really loved this, but god you could make it more horrific with him staying to watch the women burn. Describing her screams and shouts of helps as she burnt. I'm into horror and this could very well be much more creepy and even hint at his intent. AMAZING pure amazing. just work on what I say and read articles on horror writing, character and description. I've never written something like this when I was ten so kudos, KUDOS!.
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canislupis
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| Posted: Mon Oct 22, 2007 5:30 pm Post subject: |
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I really like your idea, but it definitely definitely needs some work.
You did a very good job disturbing, as has already been said.  Plotwise, it didn't feel like anything was happening. First there was some kind of meeting, and then some guy kills someone after a few minutes of conversation, even though there is no hint of a gain for him after it happened. That said, on to my critique:
| Quote: |
| “All the children should be kicked out! That way our population will stay low enough.” A strange man said, about five adults were meeting: the mayor, the clothes maker, the hunter, and someone they don’t know well that they call Tricken. |
Even just this first sentence is full of errors. Try aranging to something like:
"All the children should be kicked out! That way our population will stay low enough."
There were about five adults at the meeting, discussing the problems of the village. The mayor looked them over thoughtfully. The clothes maker, the hunter, and someone he didn't know well named Tricken. "
And here:
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| “Meeting over, sir.” Everybody separated, except Tricken grabbed the woman and pulled her to and inside his house. |
"except Tricken grabbed...." ? HUH? I think you meant something like:
"Except Tricken, who grabbed the woman by the arm and pulled her into his house."
Maybe something like that?
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| “I like the flower field! I will always be with the flowers, they will be my deathbed, and I will be with them on there death.” |
I think you meant "their"?
Other than these, the rest of the errors I think you should be able to pick out yourself easily. It obviously needs some work, as has been said, but I think you have a promising plotline, and it could be really good. I think that's it....... No wait! I also wanted to suggest that you space out your lines a bit more, and add some description and setting other than just leaving it all as dialogue. OK, I'm really done now.
PM me with questions or comments! |
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Last edited by canislupis on Wed Apr 30, 2008 6:55 pm; edited 1 time in total |
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Buscador!
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| Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 6:39 am Post subject: |
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Right off the bat--double space your paragraphs.
I like your dialog. The initial exchange between Tricken and the Clothes-maker is very amusing. It has an almost Greek wit to it.
Using the Clothes-maker's name almost seems detrimental to the story--I would stick to calling her the Clothes-maker until the end. The plot is rather interesting, though the delivery is sketchy. If you want to add a little depth to it, add some description. Describe the setting around the town (because it comes across as a small town), perhaps describe Tricken, and the four elders that are present at the meeting. I would also add some detail to the scene where Tricken makes the bottle swap, for it seems an important part of the story.
The end as a whole seems rushed--you sprint through the night and the morning, to the meeting. add some detail to give the story depth.
As for the field of flaming flowers--unless he doused the entire field with oil first, the field would not burn easily. Healthy plants are very resilient to fire.
I like the plot in general, though. A plot hole, however--would she not be aware that he had switched the liquid in the shampoo bottle? It would smell different, have a different consistency, and would wash off during the shower.
Food for thought.
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Dreamer
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| Posted: Sat Dec 08, 2007 11:38 pm Post subject: |
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This was a pretty good story. Funny, but terrifying, and all in a little over 500 words. That's pretty good. There's always room for improvement, however, so let's get started.
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| about five adults were meeting: the mayor, the clothes maker, the hunter, and someone they don’t know well that they call Tricken. |
You say five, but you only name four... If you had said 'about 100' or some big number like that, I wouldn't really care if you only named four people. In fact, I'd be grateful. But now I'm wondering who this fifth person is... Who is he??
Wait!
| Quote: |
| “All the children should be kicked out! That way our population will stay low enough.” A strange man said, |
Okay, but the fifth is still just a strange man. Normally I would think that the elders would be making the decisions, but then you brought in Tricken, and nobody knows him. But at least Tricken has a name. Maybe you should give the strange man a name, or at the very least, a title, so he doesn't feel so out of place. At the moment, he just feels like a filler. If you don't have any names come to mind and all your titles are taken, maybe you should just delete him.
Hear me out!
He only has one line and no name. His only purpose is to instantly let the reader know what's going on, and even though this is a good thing to do, that's all he does. The hunter doesn't say much either, but at least he has a title, so maybe you should have him say that opening line instead. That way the hunter has some dialogue, as well as a name. Right now, if you have the strange man open up the story, the reader expect to find out more about him later on... especially if there's only five people attending the meeting. 
Next!
| Quote: |
“Well good sir, if we got rid of the children the town’s population would be too low! Us adults would all die and there would be no one left in the town. Also, some children might not get married and might not have children themselves.” The woman said.
“Meeting over! She has made her point and I agree!” |
What? Hold it. From the strange man's line, I automatically assume that this meeting is about the high population. When the woman points out a flaw in one plan, the meeting's closed because the mayor agrees about the flaw? She didn't solve the problem they're there to find a way to fix, so why would the mayor close the meeting based on that?
Here's where it gets tricky:
| Quote: |
“But mayor!”
“Meeting over, sir.” Everybody separated, except Tricken grabbed the woman and pulled her to and inside his house.
“What can I give you to make you stop going against me in the meetings?” |
Okay, so there is no nameless strange man? Tricken's the strange man? That puts you back down to four characters. Just change the 'five' to 'four'.
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“I will keep that in mind. You are a strange woman, clothes maker.
“So they say, but so are you.”
“I am not a strange woman, for one thing I am a man and I am not a clothes maker!” |
Haha! That was pretty funny.
| Quote: |
| “You embarrassed me at the meeting fraulein. |
–noun, plural Fräu·lein. English. Fräu·leins. German.
1. an unmarried woman.
2. the conventional German title of respect and term of address for an unmarried woman, corresponding to Miss.
Some how, the word fraulein seems out of place... Maybe make it a bit clearer right off the bat that they're in Germany?
Other than that, I don't think there's much I can say that hasn't been said already. Again, this was good. I think it was amazing in that you actually scared me. I don't tend to get scared from reading very much, so this was... wow. Keep it up!
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 3:06 am Post subject: |
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I didn't like this. First of all, it was very hard to read because it was ingle-spaced, and then you were missing so much description, that I didn't know who was talking to who and who was who.
You didn't even describe where they were, what they looked like, names (apart from Tricken) or their problem. Why do they want to get rid of all the kids?
There really wasn't anything in this stry that would attract an audience, and what do you mean about violence? Yes, this story was random, but not violent. |
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 10:03 am Post subject: |
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Why would he kiss her before he set her on fire? Why didn't she just get out of the fire? Why did he have to kill her at all? What was the point, exactly of this story?
but you did pretty good for a 10 yr old!
jai |
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ata87uk
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| Posted: Sun Dec 09, 2007 11:05 am Post subject: |
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It would be an easier read if you double-spaced your paragraphs. But I like your dialogue. The initial exchange between Tricken and the Clothes-maker is very amusing. However, there is a lack of description here. This is quite frustrating since I felt like i wanted to know more about the environment and people. The end as a whole seems rushed, you sprint through the night and the morning, to the meeting. Some more detail would give the story greater depth.
But I do like the plot and there is something good humo[u]r here. An interesting piece of work! |
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Suzanne
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| Posted: Wed Dec 12, 2007 2:38 am Post subject: |
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This is incredebly weird... the plot goes way to fast, and it is all dialogue. Also, there isn't really any conflict except... he kills the woman. And that doesn't really make any sense. You start in the middle of the town meeting about something, and we don't even know what. So we have no idea what is going or who anyone is, and you just start in on the story... and... *shrugs* It's probably more like an outline in dialogue form.
Sorry, I don't have a whole lot to say on it. Perhaps you should consider lengthening it, making your characters more realistic, like real people, giving the story more of a plot and something rather than dialogue. Best of luck! |
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CrimsonRose
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| Posted: Thu Dec 13, 2007 7:59 am Post subject: |
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not a fan of all the dialogue, but aside from that i like the story line, its very creative. Scary yet great.
good job |
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| Posted: Fri Dec 21, 2007 2:05 am Post subject: |
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Nah, didn't cut it. Disjointed and rambling. The random bits of actual plot description were kinda useless, better cut them and let the dialogue speak (pun!) for itself. Better yet, this is a script and not much of traditional text.
And then, the... problems. I just don't think it was all put very well, or creatively. You pretty much told things as they were, and that was it. No description, no real character development.
The plot was nonexistent, for example the conversation at the begins pertains not at all to the story. And then, so he kills her and starts a forest fire. It really isn't that interesting. The shampoo... well, who cares about the shampoo? I bet she would have been killed anyway. And to have us think that she didn't notice she was putting sap into her hair is a bit ridiculous-
To be honest, I really can't continue to pick this apart, because there are simply too many problems here to recommend a rewrite. I regret to inform that it simply doesn't work. Just doesn't work. I say, new topic, new form. |
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lykeOMGitsSABRINA
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| Posted: Sat Jan 05, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject: |
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| Hey, very very good story. Although, there were some things that did confuse me. For instance, at the beginning, you said that there were five people attending the meating, but only named four. Also, since there were only four or five people there, then you would think that it was a top secret meating, that only very important people were aloud to attend, since the mayor was there. But you said that there was someone there that not many people even knew so he was obviously not invited. So if this was an open meeting, then you would think that many more people would attend. Also, try to describe the town more, was it big or small? And so on. Also, when you have the same person say something twice, then you don't need two different quotes, cuz i expect it to be the other person talking, but it's not, so it confuses me. I like the irony of the story, that was very good. But i think you rushed to much at the end as if you just wanted to get through with it. I think that you should build up to the climax of the story much more. Oh, i liked the bathroom part, because you left it vague enough to where it was a complete surprise at the end, but you went in depth enough to where i knew exactly what you were talking about in your ending line. Well, you are an extremely good writer for ten, so keep up the good work!!! |
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| Posted: Tue Apr 29, 2008 10:28 pm Post subject: |
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I liked the use of dialogue to keep the story moving. Another thing I enjoyed was Tricken as a name. It made sense, yet, it sounds a bit like a name.
I think that the last line, where Tricken tells about the flammable sap, is unneccessary. Nowhere else in the story is flammable sap mentioned, and I don't even think flowers give off sap (they have pollen).
It would be beneficial to the story if you described her struggling more. Instead of saying, she struggled but it didn't work, you could say that she desperately kicked and scratched and bit, but Tricken was to strong. People don't like being told what is going on, often they want to find out on their own.
Nice job on making a simple plot original! |
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