Topic ID: 20306
|
View previous topic :: View next topic |
| Author |
Message |
motherflippinflapjacks
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 17
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 142
Reviews: 36
Country: United States
300 Points
|
 Posted: Tue Sep 25, 2007 4:13 pm Post subject: All We Know |
 |
|
FADE IN:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL – HALLWAY - MIDDAY
A bell sounds and students begin to flood the hallway. There is a musky smell in the air and the dingy, off-white walls are lined with gray lockers. Students are stuffing the contents of their lockers into their book bags, and others students are standing around talking. Paper planes and spitballs are flying through the air and being shot at fellow classmates. Teachers stand at the doors to their classrooms waiting for students to enter.
JOE, a young Hispanic girl with long brown hair wearing a pair of jeans and a shirt with a recycling emblem on it, walks through the hallway. A group of kids running through the hall bump into Joe and she yells something incoherent at them. She turns around and keeps walking, then stops behind BRIAN, a tall African American boy wearing slacks and a letterman jacket, at his locker.
Joe’s hand, covered in beaded jewelry and with red painted fingernails, reaches up and taps BRIAN on the his shoulder.
BRIAN
(Looks over his shoulder. Sees that it’s Joe and smiles.)
Hey, Joe.
JOE
(Smiles back at Brian while adjusting her bookbag.)
Alyssa’s out of town, so I’m all yours for the evening.
BRIAN
Cool. I was thinking Tommy’s around 6:30.
JOE
Why so late?
BRIAN
Football practice starts tonight.
JOE
(Laughing.)
Oh right. I forgot about you being that hotshot football player.
BRIAN
Just because you think the sport is stupid doesn’t mean it is.
(Turning around to face his locker. Moves some papers around, looking for something.)
I invited someone else to come along with us, if you don’t mind.
JOE
Sure. Who’s the someone else?
BRIAN
(Stops sifting.)
His name is Andy.
(Quickly grabs something out of his locker and stuffs it in his bookbag.)
You haven’t met him.
JOE
(Suspiciously.)
Okay.
(Looks at her watch and begins slowly backing up.)
I’ve got to get to class, but I’ll be there.
BRIAN
(Nods his head.)
Okay. See ya later.
There are only a few stragglers left in the hall as Joe walks away. Brian grabs one more book out of his locker and then slams the locker shut. He grabs his bookbag and walks the other way.
EXT. HIGH SCHOOL - PARKING LOT – LATE AFTERNOON
It’s autumn and the leaves are vibrant oranges, yellows, and reds. The wind is blowing the trees and the parking lot is almost empty except for a few cars scattered around.
CUT TO:
A hand shuts the trunk of a silver Pontiac Sunfire, revealing Andy, a slim boy with blonde hair and blue eyes. He’s wearing a band hoodie, ripped jeans, and vans.
ANDY
(Ruffles his hair with one hand.)
Is she hot?
BRIAN
Is that really important?
ANDY
No, I just want to know.
Brian walks around to the driver’s side door.
BRIAN
(Rolls his eyes and sighs.)
She’s attractive.
ANDY
(Smirking.)
Think I could get her number?
Brian laughs.
ANDY (CONT’D)
(Walks to the passenger side door.)
What? Is she that far out of my league?
BRIAN
(Shakes his head.)
It’s not that.
(Opens the car door.)
Just trust me on this, alright? She’s not interested.
Andy waves Brian off. They both get into the car. Brian starts the car and they pull out of the parking lot.
INT. TOMMY’S RESTAURANT – BOOTH – DUSK
The restaurant is filled with families and couples sitting at the tables and wooden booths. Everyone is conversing and laughing with one another. Some people are being served their food. A few older men sit at the bar with glasses of beer filled to various points, engaging in deep conversation.
A younger woman, dressed in a black blouse and black slacks with her hair pulled into a ponytail, walks wearily out of two swinging double doors. She’s carrying a tray loaded with plates of steaming spaghetti and small saucers full of thick, red sauce. The woman walks past Andy and Brian sitting at a table talking, revealing them talking to one another
JOE enters the restaurant and stands by the entrance looking around. Brian looks in Joe’s direction, sees her, and then waives her over to the table. Joe begins weaving her way around the tables to get to Brian and Andy.
ANDY
(Looks in the direction that Brian is looking. Becomes wide-eyed at the sight of Joe.)
That’s Joe? How did you--
Joe walks up to the table and stands next to it with her coat folded over her arm.
JOE
Hey Brian. Sorry I’m late. My mom got caught up at work, so I had to take my sister to my dad’s.
BRIAN
No problem.
(Andy coughs, bringing attention to himself. Joe looks at Andy and smiles.)
BRIAN (CONT’D)
Joe, this is Andy. Andy this is Joe.
JOE
(Reaches out her hand for Andy to shake.)
Nice to meet you, Andy.
ANDY
(Looking cockily over at Brian. Looks back at Joe and smiles, shaking her hand.)
It’s a pleasure to meet you, Joe.
Joe nods and then sits down in the chair between Andy and Brian.
ANDY
So, you’re the one who’s been keeping Brian company while I’ve been gone.
JOE
You could say that.
ANDY
Well, I’m glad someone was there to keep him from going all emo on us.
(Laughs.)
JOE
(Looking at Brian.)
Really?
Brian blushes and Joe smiles at him.
JOE (CONT’D)
When I’m not with Alyssa, I can get a little distant from other people too.
ANDY
(Sarcastically.)
Yeah, well Brian being so attached to me, I’m sure it really took a toll on him.
(Starts taking a drink of water.)
JOE
Well, good thing you’re back.
(Looking at Brian.)
I bet you missed having a boyfriend like Andy around.
Andy spits out the water in his mouth. They all pause for a moment. Brian is wide-eyed, Joe is looking at her water-covered clothes and Andy is wiping his mouth off with his hoodie. Brian shakily hands Joe a napkin. People in the restaurant stare at the three.
BRIAN
(In a hushed voice.)
We aren’t together, Joe. He’s just my friend.
Joe becomes wide-eyed. Andy looks around the restaurant at the people returning to eating and then leans in close to the other two
ANDY
(Hushed hiss.)
Just because I dance doesn’t mean I’m into guys, or feminine—
JOE
(Shaking her head with her jaw dropped.)
I didn’t know you danced. I just assumed because Brian—
ANDY
Well, I’m not. I’m a regular guy, okay? I like girls and sports, and… guy stuff.
CONNOR, an Asian boy with shoulder length black hair wearing a letterman jacket, walks into the restaurant with 2 BOYS in letterman jackets following him. He walks by all of the tables, heading for the back of the restaurant. He stops when he sees Brian and says something to the two other guys. They walk over to the table.
CONNOR
Look who it is! The fumbling fool. Still think you’ll be starting on Friday?
(Laughs.)
BRIAN
Connor, what do you want?
CONNOR
(Looks at Andy and then at Joe. Stops on her.)
And how are you?
JOE
(Leaning towards Brian.)
So this is the infamous Connor?
CONNOR
In the flesh and as dashing as ever.
(Leans down and wraps one arm around Brian’s shoulder.)
Been talking about me with your pretty little friend? I hope you’ve said good things. I wouldn’t want you giving her the wrong impression about me.
JOE
(Smiling at Connor.)
You don’t have to worry about him giving me the wrong impression. You’ve done that well enough on your own.
CONNOR
You’re feisty. I like that in a girl.
Connor moves closer to Joe, making Joe visably uncomfortable.
ANDY
She’s obviously not interested, Connor. So just back off.
CONNOR
(Standing up and walking over to stand next to ANDY.)
Andy Bennett. I’m so glad your back from your retreat for homosexuals. How was it?
Andy abruptly stands up and glares at Connor, fists clenched.
CONNOR
(He puts his hands out in front of him.)
Relax man, you don’t have to get all defensive.
(Adjusts his letterman jacket and coughs into his hand.)
I just thought you should know I not interested. You know, in you.
Connor and the other two football players laugh together. Andy tries to lung at Connor, but Brian stands up and stops him. People in the restaurant begin to stare at the group.
BRIAN
(Talking to Andy.)
Let it go, man.
(Turns and looks at Connor.)
Cut it with the snide remarks and leave us alone.
CONNOR
What are you, his boyfriend or something?
(Snickers.)
I’d be careful, Brian. Your dad might be upset if he found out you were kicked off of the team.
Brian looks up at Connor, with his jaw clenched and hands rolled into fists. Connor nods and smiles to the two other football players in the direction of the door. They leave the restaurant the same way they walked in. Brian turns and sits in his seat, putting his head down on the table. Joe and Andy return to their seats as well. Everyone sits in silence until a server comes over.
SERVER
What can I get for you all?
CUT TO:
EXT. TOMMY’S RESTAURANT – SIDEWALK - NIGHT
The night is cold, and there is a slight breeze. The stars can be seen, but sky is still a little pink and orange in the distance. People are walking up and down both sides of the street talking, laughing, etc.
Brian, Andy, and Joe are all walking down the sidewalk. Joe is straight ahead with her hair pulled into a bun. Andy is looking around at the people and cars that pass them as they walk down the sidewalk. Brian has his hands stuffed in his pockets and looking at the ground as he walks with Joe and Andy.
JOE
Are you okay?
Brian shrugs. Joe looks at Andy for help, but Andy just shakes his head and mouths --let it go. Joe looks back at Brian.
JOE (CONT’D)
You haven’t said anything since we left the restaurant.
ANDY
(Looking around more purposefully.)
It’s a nice night.
JOE
Fine. If neither of you two will talk about it, then I will.
(Stepping in front of Brian and putting her hands on his shoulders._
Brian, what happened in there? You just let that idiot disrespect your friend and diss you. Why--
BRIAN
(Lifts his head up and stares Joe in the eye.)
He threatened to get me kicked off of the team. I need that spot.
JOE
You don’t need that spot, Brian.
BRIAN
Yes, I do. It’s important to my dad. And it wasn’t like it was easy for me to have to listen to Connor bash Andy and not be able to do anything about it.
JOE
Not be able to do anything about it?
ANDY
I’m fine Joe, really.
Andy and Joe look at each other for a moment. Then Joe looks back at Brian.
JOE
And what about you?
BRIAN
What about me?
JOE
He made all those comments about being gay and you said nothing. You just let him say it.
ANDY
There’s more to it, Joe. You wouldn’t understand.
JOE
The hell I wouldn’t understand! I’m gay too, Andy.
Andy’s jaw drops and he stares surprised at Joe.
JOE (CONT’D)
Yes, Andy. I’m a lesbian.
ANDY
But--
JOE
(Lets go of Brian’s shoulders.)
I’m not butch? Just because I’m a lesbian doesn’t mean I’m any more masculine, just like you being a dancer and not being feminine.
(Says quietly to herself.)
You men and your ideas about masculinity! They are so blurred.
(Takes Brian’s hands in hers and speaks in a softer, more sympathetic voice.)
Listen Brian. Being on that football team can’t define you. You can’t let it.
BRIAN
I’m not letting it define me. I’m just—
JOE
Lying to yourself. Listen, I know what you’re going through, I do. But the more you try define yourself by what Connor thinks or what your father thinks-- I tried that with my family and it didn’t work. You’ll feel much better once you can finally accept who you are. My god, you’ve already broken the rules by being gay. How could a little less football damage the image anymore? Right?
Joe lets go of Brian’s hands and sighs. Andy looks at them both for a moment, but then steps closer to Brian and puts his arm around his shoulder.
ANDY
She’s right man.
All three continue walking. They pass a store selling sports gear. Brian stops in front of the store window and stares at the football helmet. Brian stares at the football gear.
BRIAN
You’re right. I can’t let it define me anymore.
CUT TO:
Brian opens a door with Coach Robinson inscribed on a gold name plate and nailed to the door. He steps into a nicely furnished office. There is a large desk in the center, on which sits a computer and a large stack of papers. A leather chair is behind the desk and there are medals and pictures of various sports and players. Brian is carrying his football gear in a bag.
Brian stares around the room for a moment. His eyes fall upon a picture of his team in which he is centered in the middle. He looks at the bag and then looks at the picture. He takes a deep breath in and then turns back to the desk. He sets the back of equipment on the desk and walks towards the door. He stops, turns around, and takes one last look at the office. He then turns back around and exits through the door.
FADE OUT |
_________________
"I wonder if Ryan realizes that he's really twelve and a passenger on the Titanic." ~ A loving friend
Last edited by motherflippinflapjacks on Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:07 pm; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
|
|
chocoholic
Give me the chocolate and nobody gets hurt
Master of the Forum
Gender:
Age: 14
Joined: 31 May 2007
Posts: 1615
Reviews: 516
Country: Raxacoricofallapatorius
318 Points
|
| Posted: Sun Sep 30, 2007 2:12 am Post subject: |
|
|
It was... alright. I can't say it's exactly the type of thing I'm in to, but it was okay.
Sometimes you called Joe and boy, that was really confusing.
I couldn't see any spelling or grammar mistakes. Apart from it not being what I particularly enjoy reading (and that's not your fault at all) it was good. |
_________________
*Don't expect to see me around much in the next couple of weeks. School has started again, and it'll be a couple of weeks before I've settled in. If you've asked me for a critique, you will get it, but not for a little while. Sorry* |
|
| Back to top |
|
elephantwalrus
Senior Writer
Age: 16
Joined: 14 Mar 2007
Posts: 174
Reviews: 138
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 06, 2007 4:47 pm Post subject: |
|
|
I have to agree with the chocoholic. This wasn't something I enjoyed reading. It sounded like you were trying to make the play realistic, and it really wasn't. Some of the lines were a tad forced. Read it aloud: do people talk like that in real life?
You had good information about setting, but let the actors act. They don't need to talk to communicate the message. It seemed to me that the characters were always talking, and maybe that's why the dialogue seemed off. Facial expression and body language is sometimes more effective then words. And in conversations, one person doesn't talk at a time. It's not just me-you-me-you-me. People let other people continue their thoughts and don't say anything.
The only other suggestion I have is to make Joe more human. She seems all-knowing, and though it's good to have all-knowing characters in the play, people aren't like that in real life. It seemed unrealistic to me that a girl would be able to confidently say the lines you put into her mouth on a whim. The lines you've given her are well thought out, and she needs to think them through before she says them.
I'm sorry if I seem harsh. If you have any questions about my comments, let me know. |
_________________
You have just had the meritorious honor of encountering River L. Dayes. Don't let it get to your head. |
|
| Back to top |
|
EnchantressMuffin
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 21 Apr 2007
Posts: 427
Reviews: 193
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Oct 09, 2007 5:43 am Post subject: |
|
|
This wasn't exactly the most intriguing thing that one could pull up out of the jumble. The beginning was not captivating, and I had a hard time getting through it.
I agree with the previous; some of the lines were a little forced, especially Joe's line about wanting to learn to dance. I know about one person who'd ever say something as pretentious-sounding and forced as that.
I think that this requires a little rereading. See if you can figure out what sounds awkward, and what doesn't. Then, tweak accordingly.
Best of luck.
Peace, love, chocolate,
Muffin |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
Someguy
Senior Writer
Gender: 
Age: 15
Joined: 09 Sep 2007
Posts: 243
Reviews: 211
Country: Somewhere in the South...
448 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 6:08 pm Post subject: t |
|
|
I don't know...
You have a good idea, but it is not good enough.
| Quote: |
JOE
Hey, you listen here. Tell your dad what they did to you. He already knows that your gay, and I bet if he knew what Connor did to you, he’d be more upset at that than he could ever be about you quitting the team. And don’t stereotype us girls as being wimps. Like the idiot in there said, we put up a good fight. Don’t let what Connor says bother you. He’s the farthest thing from a real man, trust me. What you did in there, standing up for all of us, that was being a real man. |
your - you're
You made a few spelling mistakes here and there.
The idea of the woman being a lesbian is different so that is good.
Poor Andy 
I think it was all right. You need to work on it a liitle more. |
_________________
IM BACK!!! for now |
|
| Back to top |
|
smorgishborg
Novelist
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 08 Oct 2007
Posts: 271
Reviews: 153
Country: Somewhere that's green
350 Points
|
| Posted: Wed Oct 10, 2007 10:14 pm Post subject: |
|
|
Aside from the occasional spelling/grammar mistake, I really don't like the content. Not so much as a matter of personal preference, but from a playwriting perspective I don't find it to be that original. Especially for a contest. This showed me little that was new. "Surprise! Everyone is gay!" was the theme of a ton of broadway shows last year.
As for the dialouge, I agree with earlier comments regarding the dialouge, I think you're trying way too hard. When writing dialouge, it's best to write the first thing that comes into your head, based on the situation and the personalities of the characters. When you go back over your script, then is the time to edit it all. With a play like yours which takes place in a very believable setting you might want to read the dialouge to a friend, or simply read it out-loud. You'll hear what doesn't fit in an instant.
Good Luck with your future works.
PS. Personal preference, but I love reading stage directions.
EDIT: Ah, thanks for clarifying the character of the contest. |
_________________
"Why so serious?"
It cost $7 million to build the Titanic, and $200 million to make a film about it.
The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets
Last edited by smorgishborg on Thu Oct 11, 2007 1:07 am; edited 1 time in total |
|
| Back to top |
|
motherflippinflapjacks
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 142
Reviews: 36
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Thu Oct 11, 2007 12:03 am Post subject: |
|
|
Thanks everyone for critiquing this. This is my first ever shot at writing a screenplay, so I appreciate all of the input and will add it all into the screenplay.
As for the "everyone being gay" thing. There's a point to it. The topic of the contest is "What's The Deal With Masculinity?" I didn't make my main characters gay and lesbian because I thought it would be cute. There are plenty of prejudices, stereotypes and masculinity issues concerning gays, heterosexuals, and lesbians, and the point of the screenplay is to point out those stereotypes. I thought it was important for people to see that the topic of masculinity doesn't just apply to straight men. |
_________________
"I wonder if Ryan realizes that he's really twelve and a passenger on the Titanic." ~ A loving friend |
|
| Back to top |
|
SASSYLADY333
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 16
Joined: 07 Jun 2007
Posts: 185
Reviews: 120
300 Points
|
| Posted: Sat Oct 20, 2007 2:26 am Post subject: |
|
|
Actually I liked it and for me it wasn't hard to read. Although I think there are some awkward parts in there and you misspelled "wave" at least I thought you did. I think this is very raw, and that it was easy fro me to read cause many of my first drafts of writing are like this. And I agree with everyone; with just more editing to make it more natural and less forced. But I really liked the concept and I hope you can further develop your characters, particularly Joe. At first I thought the characters said she was butch but then coming out the resturant Andy says Joe doesn't seem butch enough to be a lesbian. Just take note of that. And I"m wrong sorry! But good luck with that,  ! |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
motherflippinflapjacks
Senior Writer
Gender:
Age: 17
Joined: 19 Aug 2007
Posts: 142
Reviews: 36
Country: United States
300 Points
|
| Posted: Tue Nov 20, 2007 9:09 pm Post subject: |
|
|
| I went through and made some changes. I think I covered everything everyone mentioned. If not, just restate it again and I will fix it! Thanks everyone for your help. =] |
_________________
"I wonder if Ryan realizes that he's really twelve and a passenger on the Titanic." ~ A loving friend |
|
| Back to top |
|
kinzygirl223
Writer
Gender:
Age: 15
Joined: 10 Dec 2007
Posts: 67
Reviews: 60
Country: USA
300 Points
|
| Posted: Fri Dec 14, 2007 12:36 am Post subject: hmmmm |
|
|
I thought it was pretty good.
I thought it was a little awkward. |
|
|
| Back to top |
|
|
